Can you help with this brief passage?

A second-main character in my novel, Linda, is 30, a blonde-haired, blue-eyed California hottie. She's married to Greg, who is currently wrapped up in his project and is spending less time with her.

My intention is to show that Linda is attractive by having men flirt with her when she goes someplace by herself. As a counterpoint, she knows she's attractive and inadvertantly flirts right back to get what she wants without even being aware of it.

I'm currently working this out in a chapter I'm currently stuck on and am asking for help to make it right.

I'm also not sure if a real woman would react the way Linda does in this scene.

The setup: Linda is doing some newspaper microfilm research at the local library right before closing time.

***

“Miss?”

Linda looked up from the microfilm machine. A good-looking young man with wavy brown hair was leaning toward her, his arms behind his back.

Linda’s heart started beating harder. What was this all about? “Yes?” she asked, trying to keep her voice from squeaking. Damn, this guy was cute!

“The library’s closing.”

She lowered her head and gazed upwards at him. “Can I have just another second?” she asked in a small voice. “I sure would like to print this.”

The man straightened up and grinned. “Certainly. Anything for a young lady like yourself. Take all the time you need.” He backed away smiling and went to the shelves.

She smirked to herself and dropped her last dime into the machine and printed the article. He was clearly flirting with her and she loved the attention. Sometimes she had to get it where she could. Greg didn’t even pay her compliments any more, not like he used to.

She gathered her papers and went to the elevator thanking the librarian on the way. He smiled back and waved goodbye. “Hope you come back and see us again real soon,” he said as she walked passed him. “I’m always here. Always happy to help out.”

She waved to him again as she climbed on the elevator. She felt happy that she still had “it,” whatever it was that men fell over themselves for. She wished Greg would make that kind of effort. Well, he would have to do something if they were going to make a baby together.

Thanks everyone for the advice.

Carogirl, she is already aware that the library's about to close. She's rushing through the microfilm.

Marlys, you're right about the "young man," so I've changed it to "young guy." I'm not sure if that's an improvement, but it seems to make her feel not so "old" to me to say "guy" and not "man." And her use of the "little girl voice" is supposed to indicate that she's done this routine before to get what she wants. I mean, it's hard to to turn down a hot girl's request, especially if she she acts that way (speaking as a guy, I mean). And he may be a computer lab assistant, but for all Linda knows, he's a librarian because he works in a library.

And c.e. lawson, thanks for the comments. And it seems I definitely need to work more on the dialog, as I always seem to be. And I'll further describe the "young guy," in just a brief sentence. He's a one-off character who doesn't even have a name (I invented him last night) and exists solely for this scene. And I can lose one or two of the three sentences.

I just need to figure out what constitutes as "good looking."

ETA: How about this:

Linda’s heart started beating harder. What was this all about? “Yes?” she asked, trying to keep her voice from squeaking. Damn, this guy was cute! Wisps of hair fell across the forehead of his roundish face, and his small round eyeglasses caught the glint of the overhead lights. He looked all of twenty years old.

allen

Round face, round glasses, and dimples. Sounds cute to me!

And Danger Jane, I'm basing him on a guy I used to know who in fact did kind of resemble this librarian. But I can change him any way I'd like; it's what makes me God of the Novel.

allen

Thanks for all the help and suggestions. Sometimes I get bogged down on the simplest of scenes and just can't move on.

If you're interested, here's the revised scene:


“Miss?”

Linda looked up from the microfilm machine. A good-looking young guy with wavy brown hair was leaning toward her, his arms behind his back.

Her heart started beating harder. What was this all about? “Yes?” she asked, trying to keep her voice from squeaking. Damn, this guy was cute! Wisps of hair fell across the forehead of his roundish face, and his small circular eyeglasses caught the glint of the overhead lights. He looked all of twenty years old.

“The library’s closing.”

She lowered her head and gazed upwards at him. “Can I have just another second?” she asked in a small voice. “I sure would like to print this.”

The librarian straightened up and grinned, dimples appearing in his cheeks. “Of course. Take all the time you need.” He backed away smiling, his blue eyes lingering on her as he returned to the desk.

She felt her face grow warm as she smirked to herself. She dropped her last dime into the machine and printed the article. He was clearly flirting with her and she loved the attention. Sometimes she had to get it where she could. Greg didn’t even pay her compliments any more, not like he used to.

She gathered her papers and went to the elevator thanking the librarian on the way. He smiled back and waved goodbye. “Hope you come back and see us again real soon,” he said as she walked passed him, his eyes following her. “I’m always here.”

She waved to him again as she climbed on the elevator. She felt happy that she still had “it,” whatever it was that men fell over themselves for. She wished Greg would make that kind of effort. Well, he would have to do something if they were going to make a baby together.

Thanks everyone for the very helpful comments.

And regarding the use of "certainly" versus "of course:" I use "certainly" in my own everday speech, so that's why it crept in there.

AnnieColleen, you raised a very critical point with this character:

so it could be that her flirting was inadvertent and she realized afterwards what she was doing, but it doesn't read that way to me. If she's this consciously thinking about it, without any sort of moment of realization, it looks to me like she knew exactly what was going on while it was happening.

It was also a bit jarring to me to have her feelings spelled out here. Is she consciously thinking she loved the attention? If not, it's the narrator stepping into what's otherwise a close-in POV...and "She felt" is definitely the narrator. These lines could probably be streamlined into her thoughts to strengthen the effect you want

Click to expand...

Thanks for that analysis. I will have to rewrite those portions because with the character of Linda, she is conscious of men flirting with her and she loves the attention, but she is not really aware that she is also flirting. To her, she is just trying to act "girlish" and use her good looks to get what she wants, and it comes across as shameless flirting.

So, part of the passage is unclear on that point and I'll have to do some adjusting.

Thanks! That's why I love this forum.

Rep points for all!

allen

c.e. lawson, I didn't notice you were from Southern California. My novel takes place in Pasadena. And much of the key action takes place in the MC's garage.

I have no idea what Pasadena's library looks like, so I based it on what our main branch looks like in Cincinnati.

Meanwhile, not to beat a dead horse, but the character development is important, here's the revised portion of the parts in discussion.

--

She felt her face grow warm as she smirked to herself. Her last dime clinked into the machine and the article printed out. He was clearly flirting with her. The attention she usually got from strange guys felt nice, it made her feel sexy. Greg didn’t even pay her compliments any more, not like he used to. Sometimes she had to get it when she could.

She gathered her papers and went to the elevator. The friendly librarian stood beside it and pressed the button for her.

“Thank you for the extra time,” she said, hugging the papers to her breast.

He smiled again as the doors opened. “No problem. Hope you come back and see us again real soon. I’m always here.”

She waved her fingers at him; his eyes followed her she climbed on the elevator. When the doors closed she leaned against the wall and sighed as she began the descent. She still had “it,” whatever it was that caused men to fall over themselves trying to please a pretty girl like her. She wished Greg would make that kind of effort. Well, he would have to do something if they were going to make a baby together. Maybe tonight. She was in the mood for love.

--

allen

c.e. lawson, thanks for the link to the Pasadena library. Judging the exterior, I think my interior descriptions will work, but they may not be 100% accurate. I'm not that concerned about it.

Wayndom, I forgot to mention in my previous post that I did delete the unnecessary "He was good looking" sentence. Also, I changed the librarian's parting words to "No problem. Take care." And I put in the paragraph break where you suggested. I am not sure if it works, but I'm leaving it like that. There's always more revision later. So, thanks for the comments.

And Anniecolleen, thank you also.

I do appreciate the feedback. It's letting me know that the writing is not as substandard as I'm secretly afraid it is. It's really hard for me to tell.

allen