Need some feedback on a fantasy hook

[Chris M]

Hi there,
This is a first draft, it's raw, I just need some direction. Please let me know what you think. I hate this part BTW, the sum up your novel in two paragraphs part. :)

Rane, a chaser who feeds on human souls, must save himself and his clan of chasers from a witch’s curse. He seeks out the only source of help he can think of, Markin, their creator. But in finding Markin, Rane learns more about himself than he ever wanted to know and nothing about breaking the spell. He does, however, meet the girl of his dreams; Tash, an edgy, young photographer struggling to make sense of her awkward life. Orphaned at age five, Tash was raised by Markin, forced to occupy the thin place that exists between humans and chasers; in Markin’s home she is enveloped by death and torture, away she scurries on the border of mortal life, unable to connect with ordinary people.

While Rane is figuring out how to save his friends, Tash is learning that not only did the last surviving vampire kill her parents, but that she is a pure soul, one who cannot be devoured by a chaser; and as their lives become more and more entwined, Rane and Tash discover that in each other they have found home. Together they will painfully uncover the many secrets that have dominated their lives while avenging the wrongs committed against them. In the end, they will test whether a pure soul and a chaser can make a life together or if their differences will ultimately tear them apart.

Chris

[alanna]

Here are a few comments/suggested edits... take 'em or leave 'em. :)

Rane, a chaser who feeds on human souls, must save himself and his clan of chasers from a witch’s curse. (First sentence should grab you, and be short. The "chaser" bit just confuses me. How about something like "Rane has two problems: he feeds on human souls, and he's cursed. The two have nothing to do with each other." Anyhting short and biting at this point. Save the long sentences for after I'm interested.) He seeks out the only source of help he can think of, Markin, their creator. But in finding Markin, Rane learns more about himself than he ever wanted to know and nothing about breaking the spell. He does, however, meet the girl of his dreams; (should be : ) Tash, an edgy, young photographer struggling to make sense of her awkward life.(Delete. That's a cliche... edgy young photographer is not.) Orphaned at age five, Tash was raised by Markin, forced to occupy the thin place that exists between humans and chasers; (raised by Markin "and" forced... then start a new sentence at the semicolon)in Markin’s home she is enveloped by death and torture, away she scurries on the border of mortal life, unable to connect with ordinary people. (Okay... cool... but makes NO sense to me.)

While Rane is figuring out how to save his friends, Tash is learning that not only did the last surviving vampire kill her parents, but that she is a pure soul, one who cannot be devoured by a chaser; and as their lives become more and more entwined, Rane and Tash discover that in each other they have found home. (Splitting this up into at least two sentences, if not three, would help it flow better.) Together (insert comma here) they will painfully uncover the many secrets that have dominated their lives while avenging the wrongs committed against them. In the end, they will test whether a pure soul and a chaser can make a life together (I still have no idea what a chaser is...) or if their differences will ultimately tear them apart.

If I were in a bookstore, and I read this on the back of a cover, I'd be interested enough to read the first page of the book. But I would not be 100% sold... mainly because the sentence structure is a bit long and cumbersome for something that is supposed to convey suspense. I've think you've got the workings of a good hook here, because your story is interesting. Good job! :)

[Chris M]

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Tremendously helpful!

[alanna]

You're welcome. :)