Is this punctuated properly?

Stew21 · Jul 27, 2007

"Take it with you!" I didn't mean to yell; scared the hell out of Tim.

The "I didn't mean to yell is a complete sentence, but the character is adding an extra thought at the end. Should it be a separate sentence? Separated by a semi-colon? Though I wonder about that because what is on the back side of the semi-colon isn't a complete sentence. Is it just a parenthetical remark like this?
I didn't mean to yell, (scared the hell out of Tim).

I seem to have confused myself.

Thanks!

TheIT · Jul 27, 2007

"Take it with you!" I didn't mean to yell; scared the hell out of Tim.

I'm not sure whether your punctuation is correct. The clause after the semi-colon has no subject. This sentence is something which makes perfect sense to me in spoken word, but looks a little odd in writing.

How about this instead:

"Take it with you!" I didn't mean to yell. My shout scared the hell out of Tim.

maestrowork · Jul 27, 2007

If you want to keep the fragment (instead of a complete sentence as TheIT suggested) to give the prose a punch, I'd suggest using an em-dash:

"Take it with you!" I didn't mean to yell -- scared the hell out of Tim.

Otherwise, if you use a semicolon I do think it should be a complete sentence:

"Take it with you!" I didn't mean to yell; it scared the hell out of Tim.

Stew21 · Jul 27, 2007

Yes, TheIT, the reason I questioned the punctuation is because the sentence after the semi-colon doesn't have a subject and I completely agree that it "sounds" ok and makes sense verbally, but in writing it just doesn't look right.
Thanks for the suggestions. Perhaps I'll try it with the em-dash, in order to keep the fragment.

Ziljon · Jul 27, 2007

I agree with the em dash, but I don't put spaces before and after mine--this is how I learned to do it.

Jamesaritchie · Jul 27, 2007

Do you want grammatically correct, or do you want the way I'd write it in my own fiction? The way I'd write it is simple.

"Take it with you!" I didn't mean to yell. Scared the hell out of Tim.

pdr · Jul 27, 2007

I like...

JR's way, but if you want to play it safe try:

"Take it with you!" I didn't mean to yell, and/but scared the hell out of Tim.

Angelinity · Jul 27, 2007

i think it would also depend on the genre -- the writing style should fit the reader's expectations. for mainstream and some faster paced genres, Jamesartchie's version fits. if you're doing literary, alleycat's versions -- or you could even go deeper into the moment...

my two cents.

Literary Device · Jul 27, 2007

I agree with the others in that the semicolon use here seems somewhat awkward. On its own (i.e. without seeing the writing style that surrounds it) it's hard to give advice how to punctuate this particular passage, but it appears you've already gotten some sound options and advice (though my particular favorite is probably alleycat's first option).

maestrowork · Jul 27, 2007

Jamesaritchie said:
"Take it with you!" I didn't mean to yell. Scared the hell out of Tim.

This will work, too. All the other suggestions are sound but they change your flow and rhythm.

Is this punctuated properly?

Stew21

TheIT

Infuriatingly Theoretical

maestrowork

Fear the Death Ray

Stew21

Ziljon

Tortilla di Patate

Jamesaritchie

pdr

Angelinity

absent

Literary Device

maestrowork

Fear the Death Ray