Please fill in the blank:

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tfdswift

Okay I need another word:

"___________," moaned Dad.

Any suggestions will be helpful. Thanks. I did not know where else to look. Thesaurus.com was not helpful in this case.

~~Tammy
 

HConn

"Faster!" moaned Dad.

or how about

"Harder!" moaned Dad.

is that what you meant?

Or did you mean

"Meatloaf," moaned Dad.

?
 

tfdswift

I mean what sound is a moan? Like OH or awww or hmmm or aahh. I don't know how to write the sound of a moan.

Should I just say 'Dad moaned in his unconscious state'?

~~Tammy
 

tfdswift

rq,

Is that telling or showing?

Because that is what I had originally and then thought I should change it to a kind of dialogue thing.

~~Tammy
 

robertquiller

I doubt you will be castigated anywhere for writing 'Dad moaned.' (And anyway, I personally have a rule that goes 'avoid portraying gutteral noises as dialogue' which takes precedence even over 'show don't tell'.)

Also, "'Ooooo', dad moaned" (sounded like a zombie I'm afraid) is repetitious. I suggest in this case letting your reader invent his own moan.

~ R.Q.
 

ChunkyC

I think in this case, rq is right. Yes, it's telling, but a moan can't easily be described using english words since it's just a sound. Anything like

"Mnngnh," moaned Dad.

seems clumsy to me. What you could do is surround that two word sentence with some other details:

Dad moaned. I'd never heard him make a sound like that, and it terrified me.
 

tfdswift

Thanks, it's nice to know I got something right the first time.
It seems like all I do anymore is question what I wrote in the first place.

~~Tammy
 

ChunkyC

There's that zombie again...
Click to expand...

RQ -- was it the idea, or my execution of said idea you didn't like? I'm curious, so I don't make the same mistake in my work.
 

maestrowork

Dad moaned.

It's redundant to say things like "Awww," moaned Dad... same as:

"Whaaa," cried baby.


Just because you turn "Dad moaned" to "'Oww,' moaned Dad" doesn't make it "show." "Dad moaned" is good enough -- it IS showing (instead of saying "Dad is mad," which is telling). The action (moan), as brief as it is, is part of showing.
 

robertquiller

RQ -- was it the idea, or my execution of said idea you didn't like? I'm curious, so I don't make the same mistake in my work.
Click to expand...

Sorry, friend, there was nothing I disliked in your sentence. I was merely attempting (unsuccesfully, it would appear) to be humorous... Ah well, that's why you're in the humor business and I am not.

~ R.Q.
 

robertquiller

It seems like all I do anymore is question what I wrote in the first place.
Click to expand...

Nothing wrong with that! Your writing will undoubtedly be the better for it.

~ R.Q.
 

HConn

Ah, now I see that this is a show v. tell thread.

I recommend that you not worry about show/tell during the first draft. Just get it on the page.

When you're doing your revisions, you can spend as much time as you want fiddling around with the text.
 

tfdswift

I am revising. Just not being very successful at it , so it would seem...lol:bang

~~Tammy
 

wwwatcher

Show and tell

Swift

You can have some telling in your story, you know. If you're confused on how much I found typing a chapter from your favorite author (an Uncle Jim trick) gives me an idea about how a published author did it.

Faye
 

XThe NavigatorX

Re: Show and tell

I think the only way to fix it is to turn Dad into a zombie.

"braaaaiiiiinnnns," Dad moaned.
 

Greenwolf103

Re: Show and tell

LOL, Navigator!! :ha

Please allow me to offer a suggestion from someone who is deaf: It's probably best to go with the generic "he moaned/groaned/wailed" etc. because someone who hasn't heard a moan before can't really follow the "ohh" or "oooo" thing. You know? I have heard moans before I lost my hearing and can note that there are different types of moans. (Am I right?) The scene, if written well enough, would have the reader THERE and he/she will create their own version of the moan in their head.

From another standpoint, if this is written in first person, then you can try something like "He made some kind of guttural sound which I guess was a moan." Or some such. :)
 
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