First line help

Alexandra Little · Jul 17, 2007

This is soo embarrassing that I'm fussing this much over my first line (though not too embarrassing, since I'm among fellow writers), but I was wondering if my opening line made sense:

Virken unravel me if I lie, but I think something tainted's come into Pearlspire.

Does that make sense to people? Does it grab you? Are you intrigued? Does it make sense grammatically? Am I worrrying to much (*twitch twitch*)? Is my brain fried?

...Okay, I'm done now. I think I need to lie down :Huh:

TheIT · Jul 17, 2007

Worrying too much, yes, but that's all right. You're not the only one. :Sun:

From just this line, I'd say Virken is a god of some sort. I'm intrigued by "unravel", and I like the name Pearlspire. Grammar-wise, I would suggest "tainted has come" rather than the contraction. Yes, I'm intrigued enough to read the next line.

Now write the rest! You might find later that your first line changes once you get to the ending. Just keep going.

dolores haze · Jul 17, 2007

"Tainted's" made me shudder - the rest is fine. Keep going, and don't stop until you write "the end".

dclary · Jul 17, 2007

For me, I would limit the number of words that no one has ever heard of or seen before in your first sentence to no more than 1. Which is more important: Pearlspire, or Virken?

In a hole in a ground there lived a hobbit.

Followed by a 'graph on holes, and then a 'graph on hobbits.

This is much easier to follow and be intrigued about than "Under the watchful eye of the Istari, hobbits have lived peacefully in the abandoned lands of the Edain."

Alexandra Little · Jul 17, 2007

TheIT said:
From just this line, I'd say Virken is a god of some sort. I'm intrigued by "unravel", and I like the name Pearlspire. Grammar-wise, I would suggest "tainted has come" rather than the contraction.

dolores haze said:
"Tainted's" made me shudder - the rest is fine. Keep going, and don't stop until you write "the end".

That was one of my problems. So a question for that then--is "tainted's" really so horrible? I'm not trying to pick a fight, honest, but my character is lower class and so her grammer isn't quite proper. If it's a grammatical turn-off, though, then I'll definitely change it.

dclary said:
For me, I would limit the number of words that no one has ever heard of or seen before in your first sentence to no more than 1. Which is more important: Pearlspire, or Virken?

Good question...at this point in time, Virken. Would "the city" work in place of "Pearlspire"?

TheIT · Jul 17, 2007

If "tainted's" is indicative of how the character speaks or thinks, then I'd say leave it. First person POV is essentially a dialog between character and reader, so it ought to be true to how the character communicates.

ChunkyC · Jul 17, 2007

My only niggle was the contraction, but as you said, if that's how the character would say it, leave it as is.

As for 'new' words, there are only two and both are easily identifiable as person and place, so I think you can get away with it as long as you don't pile a bunch more on in the next sentence.

Overall, I like the sentence and would want to read on.

mscelina · Jul 17, 2007

IMHO, lose the contraction. I don't have a problem with both Virken and Pearlspire, but I think *the city of Pearlspire* would eliminate any confusion with unfamiliar words and could draw the reader in in a stronger fashion.

I like Virken's name, btw.

Sage · Jul 17, 2007

"Virken unravel me if I lie" seems a little awkward to me (both because I don't know who Virken is & how "unravel" is being used in this context). Even if it is the way the character may speak, it strikes me as odd right out the gate, which might keep me (& probably other readers) from giving it a chance.

dolores haze · Jul 17, 2007

"Tainted's" sounds a little better now I know it's dialogue, but my eye is still having trouble sweeping on by that word to the end of the sentence. It's causing me to stick and goggle at it. You want your reader to plunge right in, right? The other unfamiliar words are not bothering me. I want to know who the hell is Virken, and where the hell is Pearlspire.

Saanen · Jul 18, 2007

I'll chime in and agree with those who think "tainted's" is awkward. It made the sentence seem much more complicated than it really is. Clarity before all, I say! You can introduce the speaker's poor education in the next sentence or two.

I don't have a problem with Virken or Pearlspire. It's obvious from context that one's a god and the other's a city. And I do think it's an interesting opening that definitely grabbed my interest. I want to know what the taint is!

Bartholomew · Jul 18, 2007

Alexandra Little said:
Virken unravel me if I lie, but I think something tainted's come into Pearlspire.

I'd keep reading, for whatever that's worth.

small axe · Jul 18, 2007

Ahhhh, first sentences. They paralyse me.

Virken unravel me if I lie, but I think something tainted's come into Pearlspire.

'Virken unravel me if I lie' I utterly love, especially if 'unravel' is some deep mystery.

'but I think' seems weaker. 'Think' just seems bland, how about 'but I fear' or some other mysterious verb?

'something tainted's' really is a speedbump (I agree with those who barely catch that it's a contraction for 'has come' ... my first grope was that it was a possessive 's ... And to confuse the reader in the first sentence is ... well, hell, that's my stylistic trompe, ye devil, give it back!

And it hits me as a bad riff on Shakespeare's 'rotten in the state of Denmark' ...

Now, as to the word 'taint' ...

Um ... 'taint' ...

Is that a slang word just in the Mid West, or do others hear the unfortunate slang word there too? 'Taint' as in the area of the anatomy ...?

Anyway, your opening sentence has a strong First Act, but weakens in Act II and Act III ... well ... taint.

DragonHeart · Jul 18, 2007

I would keep reading, it sounds intriguing.

I think it might flow a bit easier if you use 'to' instead of 'into'. I didn't have a problem with 'tainted's' when I read it that way.

"Virken unravel me if I lie, but I think something tainted's come to Pearlspire."

Just my opinion, of course.

~DragonHeart~

larocca · Jul 18, 2007

Yes, Alexandra you worry too much. Something wicked this way comes, something's rotten in Denmark, and something tainted's come into Pearlspire. Yes, your sentence works for me. Including the word tainted. Virken is, as mentioned before, a very cool name, and Pearlspire's pretty good too.

(And between typing the above and clicking Post, I've read the comment that it comes off as a cheap ripoff of Shakespeare. Nah, I don't think so, but one of my favorite things about Star Trek is assuming that everyone in the future reads and furthermore quotes from memory the great Bard himself. Don't I wish?)

Sage · Jul 18, 2007

Oddly, I had more of a problem with "unravel me" than with "tainted's." The contraction read perfectly well to me. Maybe that's 'cuz my last novel was in first person, & my MC would be one to use a contraction like that. Clearly I'm in the minority, though

ink wench · Jul 18, 2007

Sage said:
Oddly, I had more of a problem with "unravel me" than with "tainted's." The contraction read perfectly well to me. Maybe that's 'cuz my last novel was in first person, & my MC would be one to use a contraction like that. Clearly I'm in the minority, though

Same here, and my WIP is in first person too with a less educated MC. Otherwise, I like the sentence.

blacbird · Jul 18, 2007

I had to read it three times, which is a bad sign. First problem, who, or what, is Virken? At first I thought your narrator was addressing someone of that name, which, if so, means you need a comma after it. Then, after a couple more readings, it dawned on me that it might be some sort of admonition to a god or spirit, along the lines of "God help me, but . . ." In which case, for pure clarity, you might say something like "May Virken unravel me if I lie," But unravel? What? Are you a ball of string or something?

Short answer is, for me, No, this doesn't work. Too much unfamiliar information thrown at the reader too quickly. Two unknown names (Virken and Pearlspire) lacking any descriptive reference that would give them meaning, and a very odd verb that, similarly lacking context, just doesn't make sense. I think you're just trying to do too much with that opening sentence.

caw

JCT · Jul 18, 2007

"There was a brief silence then the orc's head rolled to my feet, it's eyes staring up blankly at me."

How's that for a first line?

Sassee · Jul 18, 2007

The contraction may or may not work... Since I was unfamiliar with the first part I had to read it a second time, but I caught on pretty quick that it was just a saying, and a pretty creative one at that.

I think you worry too much.

alanna · Jul 18, 2007

See, I'm going to be evil here... I like the contraction. Like has been said here before, it works in 1st person. Honestly, what bugs me is the "but." Whoever is speaking, they're convinced. The qualification doesn't fit.

I would agree that "Pearlspire" is a bit much.

Julie Worth · Jul 18, 2007

Alexandra Little said:
Virken unravel me if I lie, but I think something tainted's come into Pearlspire.

I think I need to lie down

Me too. Reading something like this makes me sleepy. Why should I try to decode it if I've no time yet invested, if I'm not the least bit hooked. I'd close the book and go on to the next one.

dclary · Jul 18, 2007

Ok, here's the problem:

why would you be lying?

Virken unravel me if I'm lying but....

Is the second half of this statement so preposterous that no one would believe its possibility?

Pearlspire! Bastion of the last free God. The very essence of all things clean and holy. All that remains of the days that were, and the final promise for tomorrow. Virken help me, but I think something tainted's come to Pearlspire, and nothing good can come of this.

ChunkyC · Jul 18, 2007

Sage said:
"Virken unravel me if I lie" seems a little awkward to me (both because I don't know who Virken is & how "unravel" is being used in this context). Even if it is the way the character may speak, it strikes me as odd right out the gate, which might keep me (& probably other readers) from giving it a chance.

Its oddness is what makes me want to read on.

-- "unravel" appears to be a time-worn expression on this world, and this Virken wields some sort of power, either physical or metaphysical. Is Virken a mortal or a deity? I wanna to know who he/she/it is and what these people mean by "unravel" coz it sounds unpleasant.

-- The way the first clause is delivered tells me the speaker earnestly wants the listener (me) to believe him/her. I want to find out why it's so important I believe.

-- Something tainted? That can't be good. I wanna know what it is.

-- Come into Pearlspire? Pearlspire sounds like a nice place. This taint appears to be poised to cause problems. I hate when scumbags move in and ruin a nice neighbourhood, so I already wanna see this taint get a whuppin'.

That's what I got out of that sentence. I think it's a great opener. Questions should be posed in the first sentence/paragraph/chapter. People will then read on to find the answers.

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