Word choice problem

[Frosty]

Not sure if this is the right forum, but I'm having trouble picking the right word for the noise my broken-footed MC makes:

I rolled over onto my feet, tried to stand – and buckled back to my knees with a pathetic cry.

The impression I'm trying to give is not an angry, or macho, or dramatic snarl or howl. I'm trying to evoke a really human, vulnerable, noise. The kind of noise you'd make if you stood on a broken foot at the end of a really brutal day. A whimper or yelp rather than a snarl.

So I went for pathetic, aiming for the sense of "arousing pity, esp. through vulnerability or sadness". Trouble is, I think pathetic is more commonly thought of as meaning "worthy of scorn or derision", and that sends the wrong signal: the MC is so hard as nails that she scorns anybody expressing discomfort at a broken foot.

It's a small point, but can anybody help?

[trumancoyote]

Why don't you just use yelp? I like the sound of it.

[Bufty]

A yelp sounds okay to me. But, just out of curiosity, how does a reader picture 'I rolled over onto my feet'?

Maybe in context it's clearer. Do you mean a somersault?

[Frosty]

Thanks, guys. Yelp is probably the best word. I'll go with it.

I shall make the rolling thing clearer. Sam starts on her back, and I wanted to give the impression that she moved onto her feet and then put weight on them. Maybe..."I shifted onto my feet" or something will work.

[Silver King]

I always get the impression animals yelp. A simple "cry of pain" might work better, as we all know what that sounds like.

Also, it seems that you're complicating the act of standing.

Maybe you can say, "I tried to stand but fell back to my knees with a cry of pain." Then, if you haven't already done so, you can describe the level of pain the character is experiencing.

See how easy that was? :)

[Frosty]

Much, much, much better I think. Thanks, Silver.


I was all out of rockets and hand grenades, so getting the rifle back was my first priority: I didn't much fancy trying to hold off a platoon of warrior bugs with my sidearm. I tried to stand –*and buckled back to my knees with a cry of pain. Something in my right foot was badly broken, and putting weight onto it felt like stepping barefoot onto a razor sharp spike. I stayed on my knees for a moment, blinking tears out of my eyes and feeling stabs of pain shiver up through my foot and calf. "Painkillers," I gasped, and my armour squirted a dose of neural binders into my neck. We'd been ordered over and over to only use them in emergencies. This seemed to qualify...

[Jamesaritchie]

I think "pathetic" is the perfect choice purely because the character would think the kind of moan she made was pathetic. She would feel scorn and derision at herself for giving in to the pain.

[triceretops]

dispirited
plaintif
delerious
mournful

[midwife]

pitiful

[Sean D. Schaffer]

I think "pathetic" is the perfect choice purely because the character would think the kind of moan she made was pathetic. She would feel scorn and derision at herself for giving in to the pain.



I would agree with JAR on this. 'Pathetic' would be perfect IMO because, like James pointed out, this tough-as-nails individual would be hating herself for making the sound. Therefore, for her to call it a 'Pathetic' whatever, would be most appropriate considering her attitude toward her reaction to the pain.

[Frosty]

Thanks for all the help, everybody.