First Little Bit...

[Darkness225]

Hay all well I'm just began to write the first little bit of it so far and would like to hear your into on it..... (PS Don't worry about the spelling or grammar)

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Part One.

I felt as cold as death as I lay in the thick white snow that has covered the landscape like an unending blanket. The sounds of laser fire surrounded me and the smell of burning flesh filled the morning air as the sun began to rise.

As I gazed out over the endless fields of craters and dead bodys which the snow had covered over night. I could just make out what looked like to be the Trodeon campes deep within a large forest at the bottom of the valley.

Hope you liked it and I'm looking forward to reading your comments on it

[jvc]

This would be better in the SYW forum, Darkness.

[alleycat]

Well, it's a good start, and it's easy to visualize, but we'd have to see more before we could make much of a judgment call.

I would change a word or two here and there, such as removing the word has in the first sentence. And while you said ignore grammar, you really do need to use a comma and connect the two sentences of the second paragraph; or else, rewrite the sentences somewhat.

Now that you've started . . . keep going.

[jvc]

, you really do need to use a comma and connect the two sentences of the second paragraph; or else, rewrite the sentences somewhat.

For the second para, I'd be tempted to take out the initial 'As' from the first sentence.

[alleycat]

For the second para, I'd be tempted to take out the initial 'As' from the first sentence.
Good point. That works better than making it one sentence.