Critique children's book please!!!

[simplycottage]

Waiting for responses from my submission. Please give me feedback! Any suggestions???
Thanks! :)


There was a little boy, who liked to dress in hues,
matching the color of his hat to the color of his shoes.
He wore blue checkered pants and a blue checkered hat; he wore a pair of blue socks and had a blue fluffy cat. Wherever he went, people would say,
“My you look great, wearing blue today!”
He ate lots of blueberries and flew blue balloons.
He sat on his blue bicycle staring at the moon.
He played a blue harmonica and he had a blue drum.
He had a blue finger, when he sucked his thumb.
He went to sleep under a blue blanket on a blue bed,
and when he awoke, he said “Today I’ll wear red!”

[Ziljon]

There was a little boy, who liked to dress in hues,
matching the color of his hat to the color of his shoes.
He wore blue checkered pants and a blue checkered hat;
He wore a pair of blue socks and had a blue fluffy cat.
Wherever he went, people would say,
“My you look great, wearing blue today!”
He ate lots of blueberries and flew blue balloons.
He sat on his blue bicycle staring at the moon. whistling a tune
He played a blue harmonica and he had banged a blue drum.
He had a blue finger when he sucked on his his thumb.
He went to sleep under a blue blanketed on a blue bed,
and when he awoke, he said “Today I’ll wear red!”

[Symphony]

There was a little boy, who liked to dress in hues,
matching the color of his hat to the color of his shoes.
He wore blue checkered pants and a blue checkered hat; he wore a pair of blue socks and had a blue fluffy cat.Wherever he went, people would say,
“My you look great, wearing blue today!”
He ate lots of blueberries and flew blue balloons.
He sat on his blue bicycle staring at the moon.
He played a blue harmonica and he had a blue drum.
He had a blue finger, when he sucked his thumb.
He went to sleep under a blue blanket on a blue bed,
and when he awoke, he said “Today I’ll wear red!”


Hello there,

Here's my tuppenceworth:

'hues' - complicated word for pre-schoolers and obviously there to rhyme with 'shoes'. I think you need to avoid this type of 'contrived' rhyming - very important in books for the very young. The trick is for everything to sound totally natural and the rhymes almost incidental

Agree with Ziljon for some of the lines - whistling a tune much more apt, for example. I think the problem here, though, is the difference in rhyming metre. I have to say this is probably very personal but I'm a stickler for metre and correct scanning when it comes to 'rhyming' verse. I think very young pre-schoolers take to it much more easily, too, when the lines all have a very constant rhythm.

This is a lovely theme and a gorgeous idea AND it works really well, but I think that with a little playing around you could make it GREAT!

I hope this helps? I don't mean to sound negative. And anyway ... what do I know? lol

This is so much fun I think it'll be worth the extra effort.

Symphony

[Kat Frass]

I really agree with Symphony about the metre. It is an adorable idea.. but you really need to work some more on making the lines flow.

One of the best recommendations someone gave me was to have another person read it out loud to you. Don't let them read it first. Just have them sit down and read it out loud.. cold. You will quickly find the areas that are problematic. You have to remember that this is what parents will do with their kids.

Also - one thing that helps me a lot in writing rhymes is to break it into sections as I write. So I would have actually written it:

There was a little boy
who liked to dress in hues,
matching the color of his hat (I'd say He matched the color of his hat)
to the color of his shoes.

He wore blue checkered pants
and a blue checkered hat;
He wore a pair of blue socks
and had a blue fluffy cat.

When I tried to break out these last two lines.. I had trouble. It immediately made me realize that the flow was off on these lines. I really think that breaking it up like this makes you really look at how the lines flow together. Based on the first lines.. the story almost "bounces" (which is lovely).. but the "beat of the bounce" really falls off on the next two lines. See what I mean?

Oh, and the blue fluffy cat bit throws me off.. because it isn't something he wears. It feels like it was just thrown in there because it rhymed.

Now.. all that being said.. the idea really is sweet. and I love the last bit about "Today I'll wear red".

The biggest issues you need to overcome is the flow, or bounce, or metre, or whatever the heck you want to call it... (grin)

Best of luck with this.