Hi all, my first post here. I'm currently writing a scene which I think is going to have a one-sided telephone conversation, by which I mean that I will just give the protagonists side of the conversation, without giving the responses of the person he is calling. Any advice on how to lay that out on the page, given that it's a series of dialogue lines which obviously have a pause in between where the other person is speaking? Should I write it all as one paragraph with ellipses in between? Should I use italics rather than inverted commas? Not sure if there's a standard way of doing this.
One-sided phone conversation
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This is how I did one in Chapter 1 of my WIP. Frank is a PI, Brant is his client, who's getting stalked by a very psychotic ex-GF:
“Frank here, Brant… Already?… What was in the box?… Okay.… Calm down.… Here’s what I need you to do. Bring me the package and a list of everyone you’ve dated in the past three years… Of course names, addresses, and phone numbers… See you at six.”
I wanted to keep it as short as possible but not fall into bad movie-dom where the character on the phone rattles off everything without pausing for a reply.
“Frank here, Brant… Already?… What was in the box?… Okay.… Calm down.… Here’s what I need you to do. Bring me the package and a list of everyone you’ve dated in the past three years… Of course names, addresses, and phone numbers… See you at six.”
I wanted to keep it as short as possible but not fall into bad movie-dom where the character on the phone rattles off everything without pausing for a reply.
If there is another person in the room in your story, then obviously they can only hear one side of the conversation. so you write what they hear. If your character is there on his/her own, then why not use both sides of said conversation.
Elodie
Elodie
That looks as if it would work pretty well. I've probably got one or two bits of detail- character looking out of the window for example- to break it up as well as using ellipsis.
There's only one person in the room. It's not essential to cut out the other side of the conversation, but it keeps the place they arrange to meet unknown to the reader until it happens, which seems more interesting to me.
If you have a long conversation, I think it could be good if you put in some beats, for example:
“Frank here, Brant… Already?… What was in the box?… Okay"
He jotted a few things down on the pad, pinning the phone to his shoulder with a twist of his neck. "Calm down.… Here’s what I need you to do. Bring me the package and a list of everyone you’ve dated in the past three years."
“Frank here, Brant… Already?… What was in the box?… Okay"
He jotted a few things down on the pad, pinning the phone to his shoulder with a twist of his neck. "Calm down.… Here’s what I need you to do. Bring me the package and a list of everyone you’ve dated in the past three years."
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Mine is from the viewpoint of a character (Rebecca) who has just handed the phone to her brother:
I've left Clive's frustrated responses to the reader's imagination. I didn't really see a need for ellipses; I think the paragraph breaks indicate the pauses.
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Be very careful about this-- withholding information from the reader that the viewpoint character knows is hard to do well (which is why there are so many mystery novels written from the POV of the ace detective's sidekick). I'd recommend against it, especially if the meeting place isn't phenomenally impressive or surprising.
That's me, though. YMMV.
If you're pretty close to your main character - writing strictly from his POV - this is probably going to seem like cheating to the reader. Just to warn you.
Like Jo said, I think this could lead to a POV problem. If there was someone else in the room, you could be in their POV and have them hear the conversation. Or if you were writing from omniscient POV, it might work. Otherwise, if I was reading something like this, I think it would be jarring to me.
I don't write mystery myself, but I did have a place in one of my stories where the MC overhears a phone conversation she figures is about her (which it is). I imagined both sides of the conversation but did it like this example to show the breaks and pauses one hears in overhearing one side of a phone conversation. Her imagination fills in the holes she doesn't hear but she has no idea what's going on. The reader does, because they're privy to that info beforehand through the POV of another character.
You have to be careful how you pull this off. Give up some info to keep the reader interested and not feeling cheated but not too much, to keep it as realistic as possible for the way it is when you overhear one side of a conversation.
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That doesn't feel like a cheat to me, JMO. That's a fairly small secret, one unlikely to irritate the reader (who may not even realize an especially interesting locale is coming up soon), and then there's quick resolution with more impact. Seems worth the trade-off to me.
Personally, as a reader, I like a few surprises.
Personally, as a reader, I like a few surprises.
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Is anyone besides me old enough to remember Bob Newheart coming out on stage with just the handset of a phone and doing a skit? If he could pulll it off live and in person, one-sided surely works in a book.
Re-reading my post I see I've called this guy the protagonist, which isn't right. He's the central character in this scene, but not the main character, who doesn't appear in this particular scene. Dunno if that makes using the one-sided conversation okay to use. I'm going to write it that way to start with, but will consider everyone's comments when I come to edit it.
The question to ask is who is the POV character for the scene?
If the POV character is someone other than the person talking on the phone, then definitely make the conversation one-sided. What the POV character (and the reader) learns would be through observation of the person talking or what the person talking decides to reveal about the conversation. The person talking could also lie or deliberately withhold information from the POV character.
If the POV character is the person talking on the phone, then as a reader I would have issues with not "hearing" both sides of the conversation depending on the type of narrative. If we've been deep inside the POV character's thoughts, I'd feel cheated if suddenly we can't hear what the other person is saying. On the other hand, if we've only lightly touched on the POV character, then only hearing one side might work.
The only information you're trying to keep hidden is a meeting place, correct? If so, then there might be other ways to do it. Is this a place both people have been before? You can use an oblique reference, i.e. "Meet me where we met last time," and there's no need to hide anything. The POV character knows the place, so it wouldn't be strange for him not to think of it specifically by name.
If the POV character is someone other than the person talking on the phone, then definitely make the conversation one-sided. What the POV character (and the reader) learns would be through observation of the person talking or what the person talking decides to reveal about the conversation. The person talking could also lie or deliberately withhold information from the POV character.
If the POV character is the person talking on the phone, then as a reader I would have issues with not "hearing" both sides of the conversation depending on the type of narrative. If we've been deep inside the POV character's thoughts, I'd feel cheated if suddenly we can't hear what the other person is saying. On the other hand, if we've only lightly touched on the POV character, then only hearing one side might work.
The only information you're trying to keep hidden is a meeting place, correct? If so, then there might be other ways to do it. Is this a place both people have been before? You can use an oblique reference, i.e. "Meet me where we met last time," and there's no need to hide anything. The POV character knows the place, so it wouldn't be strange for him not to think of it specifically by name.
I like surprises, too. Withholding information that the POV char receives during a scene isn't the way to set one up.
Personally, to me as a reader, it isn't the size of the secret that is irritating in this situation. It's that the one-sided phone conversation makes it obvious that information is being withheld. It comes across like, "I know something you don't know! Neener, neener."
Well, I'm going to go with the one-sided conversation in the first draft, but will revisit bearing in mind people's comments. It does at least pass my first rule of writing, "if Elmore Leonard does it then its ok". I opened 'Swag' on the train this morning, and the first thing I came across was a 25 line one-sided phone conversation, using ellipsis, which began, 'Stick dialled Arlene. When she answered, he said... etc etc'
See Iain Bank's The Business
Best telephone dialog ever, for my money:
http://tinyurl.com/37gwqm
(go to page 2 of the preview)
Best telephone dialog ever, for my money:
http://tinyurl.com/37gwqm
(go to page 2 of the preview)
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