THE TEN PRINCIPLES OF SELF-SABOTAGE
In order to successfully fail at writing, you must rigidly follow these guidelines:
1) ALWAYS anticipate rejection. (You know you really aren’t good enough to write. Everyone else is, but not you. Spare yourself the embarrassment and give it up.)
2) NEVER believe in the quality of your work. (Theodore Dreiser was a much better writer than you, so why even bother?)
3) ALWAYS adhere fanatically to every published canon, tenet and imperative about what is “acceptable” and what isn’t. (You’re an ignorant newbie, so shut up and follow everyone else’s rules, even if they are arbitrary, contradictory and idiotic.)
4) NEVER think for yourself. (What do you know, anyway?)
5) ALWAYS set aside your own creative inclinations to follow those of others. (Their ideas are better, they’ve already had thirteen novels published, they’ve already had thirteen novels rejected, and what do you know, anyway?)
6) NEVER stand up for or defend yourself or your writing methods. (As a lowly aspiring writer, you have zero creds and no right to your own instincts.)
7) ALWAYS spend eight months agonizing over every preposition in a query letter. (That’s what everyone else does, so where do you get off questioning the wisdom of it?)
8) NEVER rebuff those who tell you what to do. (They’re all brilliant. You’re a cretin. Deal with it.)
9) ALWAYS accept every scrap of unsolicited advice from whatever source. (Bear in mind that if you don’t genuflect before every single agent, publisher, self-styled writing expert and your Aunt Millie’s cat you run the risk that someone will regard you as a sociopathic individualist. Unacceptable.)
10) NEVER entertain the idea that you might know what you’re doing. (Following your self-delineated path might actually get you published on your own terms, and that would be utterly, unreservedly intolerable.)
