- Joined
- Jul 15, 2006
- Messages
- 155
- Reaction score
- 11
It's been a long time and several hundred pages getting here but I'm still not done yet! Argh 
I love this craft, I really do, really teaches you patience and how to handle things. (I think anyway)
I'm working on the fifth draft of my story when I got an email from someone who's opinion I value greatly as she's on the same general line that I am in terms of story content. She gave the idea that I should start it with a bang (Seems obvious I know) but she also gave me some ideas on how to get the first 3 chapters worked into the story as they weren't serving the story directly where they were. Serving as backstory for the events of chapter 4 and on.
So after some work I reset the start of chapter 4 to be the starting chapter. . . I guess I'm asking if you would keep reading? Does it catch your attention and raise questions without being melodramatic and dicy or is it just 'too much'. Any crits on the writing would be appriciated too but not a requirement
Shades of Grey
Draft 5.5
Alternative Start
Started May 22, 2007
Chapter 1
Thanks for any comments/crits/input!
I love this craft, I really do, really teaches you patience and how to handle things. (I think anyway)I'm working on the fifth draft of my story when I got an email from someone who's opinion I value greatly as she's on the same general line that I am in terms of story content. She gave the idea that I should start it with a bang (Seems obvious I know) but she also gave me some ideas on how to get the first 3 chapters worked into the story as they weren't serving the story directly where they were. Serving as backstory for the events of chapter 4 and on.
So after some work I reset the start of chapter 4 to be the starting chapter. . . I guess I'm asking if you would keep reading? Does it catch your attention and raise questions without being melodramatic and dicy or is it just 'too much'. Any crits on the writing would be appriciated too but not a requirement
Shades of Grey
Draft 5.5
Alternative Start
Started May 22, 2007
Chapter 1
“Anything else?” The clerk looked up as he was bagging the hot dogs and soda.
“Yeah, twenty on three.” Jonathan dug in his pocket for his money.
“That'll be twenty six, even.”
Jon handed the older man the money, glancing through the window, at the dark Wagoneer as Kathrine put the gas cap back on. He grinned a little as he accepted the change, memorizing the angle of her face. Even with her sunglasses he still had a clear mental picture of her bright green eyes. She might have been watching him the way he was watching her but he doubted it. She was his teacher, his friend, she'd never be anything more. “Thanks. . .”
Pushing through the door, a stiff breeze swept by, carrying with it the smells of gas and what might have been old tires. A bright red car was parked in front of the other pump, it's sleek frame and wide body easily recognizable even before he found the markings; 'Monte Carlo SS'.
A short woman was leaning against the car’s door. She couldn't have been more than five feet tall but she was built in such a way that made Jon a little jealous. Her well muscled arms were crossed over her skin tight tight black t-shirt. Her dull raven hair and baggy pants would have made her vanish in the right shadows but under the bright lights, she looked like some kind of mafia hit-woman from one of his favorite action movies. She even had a pair of mirrored sunglasses to complete the look.
She might have been cute, pretty, if not for her overbearing posture and stance. Who did she have to impress? The woman’s head turned just slightly as he stepped through the door but she looked back to the corner of the gas station.
“Here ya go.” Jon handed Kat the foil wrapped hot dogs as he got in. She didn't wait long enough for him to get the door closed before she had one half gone.
“Thanks.” She managed around a bite.
“Yeah.” He smiled as he pulled a bottle of root beer from the bag. Something moved in his peripheral vision. A man got out of a pickup truck that had been parked along side of the building. “Want some?”
She took another, larger bite. “No thanks.”
“Good?” He chuckled softly.
“Lunch.” Kat finished off the hot dog before grabbing the other. “Dinner.”
He laughed a little, jumping when he saw another motion from the right side. The older man right outside the window grinned softly. At some point it had occurred to Jon to smile back, right before he looked down at the boxy handgun the man was aiming directly at him.
Something glinted in the man's ear to ear grin, a little sliver of light that, at any other time, might have been reassuring. It might have actually shed some kind of light on the questions racing through Jon's mind. A fraction of a second later, the man's finger tightened against the trigger of his pistol. Why? What did I do? Who are you?
Thunder clapped through the night and Jon slammed his eyes shut. It took him a full breath to realize that he was still alive, that he was still breathing. He opened one eye just as fragments of bone and a thin spray of blood erupted from the right side of the man's neck. The shocked expression in his dull eyes faded quickly as the spray evaporated and a thick wash of bright red blood pumped out of the massive hole. He pitched sideways and smacked onto the pavement, his neck seeping out into a spreading puddle of crimson. He grabbed blindly for the wound while his head rolled back at an impossible angle. He stopped moving a second later.
A wave of bile worked it's way up Jon's throat as the image really hit him for the first time. The shock absorbed him while just at the corner of his vision he saw the white pickup truck parked beside the building, and another man opening the driver's door.
Jon looked up as fresh adrenaline surged through his body. The driver of the pickup truck was pulling something out of the cabin but Jon couldn't see what it was. The man stepped back and then Jon saw it. The guy had a gun; a rifle of some kind. He wrapped the sling of the heavy looking weapon around his hand, kneeling down to prop it on the gap between the body of the truck and the door, aiming directly at them.
“Go!” Jon shouted as the first sharp pop gave way to a metallic crunch. Right next to the door, the frame of the Wagoneer groaned as the bullet punched a hole through the steel. A dull heat burned his temple even as puff of cloth exploded next to his face.
Another wave of adrenaline surged through his body, washing away the fear and shock when he finally saw the tuft of fiber filling burst out of the headrest. He knew it had happened but somehow his mind wasn't working fast enough to keep up.
He turned back to see Kathrine staring straight ahead, her sunglasses as blank and unseeing as her glazed expression. Another pop and the passenger's window exploded over Jon's face before something punctured the dashboard with a hollow plastic thump.
“Kat! Go!” Jon looked at the rear view mirror as he tried to push Kat against the seat and make room for himself. The woman in the black shirt was coming around the gas pump, a massively over sized rifle in her left hand, supported by the right. She was aiming at the man in the truck.
She fired a shot and the thunderous roar of her rifle drowned out the dull grind of the Wagoneer's engine as Jon cranked the key, trying to get it to turn over. Once, twice. . . All at once Kat pushed him aside, grabbed the key and slammed the gas pedal down. The truck jumped forward and the tires screamed as they tried to get traction. A long burst of shots erupted from behind them with a low pop, pop, pop. The rear windows shattered as rounds pounded the side of the truck but they were going too fast for the gunman to get a good shot. Jon held his breath as the shots echoed through the cabin, deafening in the still night.
Jon looked back to see the man duck under his door, trying to use it for cover. The woman fired and Jon just barely saw the man fall to the pavement. The Wagoneer pitched up slightly, they started up a hill and for the first time the woman looked up at them, her mirrored sunglasses reflecting the gas station's overhead lights. Her expression was as cold and distant as the road which rolled down the crest of the hill, down around a curve, and into the darkness.
Jon watched the sides of the road, scanning the darkness for some kind of threat but even his heightened awareness couldn't help him see anything beyond the thick trees. The valley of the road they were on would have made a perfect spot to ambush someone, at any second. . .
The truck skidded as Kathrine took the curve, pedal still to the floor. The tires had stopped screaming but Jon's body didn't believe it. His adrenaline surged between strangled breaths of chill air and the millions of questions that came cascading through his mind when they slowed down. “What in the fuck was that?”
Kat slowed the truck a little more and turned into an area where the hill wasn't quite as steep. There were tire tracks in the dirt but they had been overgrown and it was barely noticeable.
The truck bounced into a shallow ditch, picking up a sharp groan. Jon looked back to make sure they weren't being followed. When he looked forward he saw a trail snaking deep into the shadows of the tree cover. The Wagoneer bounced when the rear end cleared the road and Kat mashed the pedal again, propelling them further into the murky darkness. Without the headlights he couldn't see anything, but Kat seemed to know exactly what to expect. She didn't miss a beat when they came near a large rock in the trail, she didn't slow down either. “Kat?”
She turned slightly, avoiding the obstacle and the truck revved as they climbed up another small hill. A second later it pitched downward sharply, causing Jon's stomach to churn. A light at the end of the trail painted a swath of dew soaked grass in a soft blue color, the closer they got the more he could make out. As they approached the bottom of the hill the whole valley came into view.
A two story log cabin was sitting atop a small plateau, the thick logs that made up the exterior were painted with the same pale blue light that filled in the rest of the valley. At the farthest side, the highway could be seen. Jon realized it just as a streak slipped by, a bright red streak. It had to have been the woman's Monte Carlo. There was a gravel driveway leading from the highway to the front of the cabin but the thick grass made it hard to see as they got closer to the cabin. “Kat, you okay?”
She pulled up to the side of the house, parking the truck right next to a pile of chopped wood. Only when they stopped did she make a move. Even with the relatively bright moonlight he wouldn't have been able to see her if it hadn't been for her white knuckle grip on the steering wheel. She leaned back slightly, and slid her right hand off the wheel, pulling the truck into park and sliding grabbing the keys before she turned the engine off and pulled them out. After a couple heartbeats she looked down at the keys, then closed her hand and let it drop to her side.
“Kat, you alright?” Jon looked her over quickly, noting the ragged hole in her headrest as she leaned her head back. Something glistened from her cheek, moisture of some kind. Tears. She was crying. “Hey, speak to me.”
She didn't move at all.
“Kat.” He leaned toward her and removed her sunglasses as carefully as his shaking hands would allow. Her eyes were closed, both cheeks stained by tears. “Kat, we're okay.”
She took a shallow breath, a sniff, and then her eyes opened. She reached down with her left hand and opened the door, grabbing his arm with her right. The fear in her cracked voice didn't quite register when she dropped her keys, scooping them up and fumbling through them before she found a small one. “You're bleeding!”
Without waiting for some kind of response, she dragged him around to the front of the cabin, up the three steps to the wide deck and to the large wood and glass door. Patterns carved in the window cast pale blue snowflake shadows against the wall inside.
She slid the key in and pushed her weight against the door, forcing her way in before leading him through the small arched hallway and into the living room where she let him go and threw her jacket down. “Wait here!” She didn't look back as she ran up the stair case that was built into the right wall.
Jon took a quick glance around, trying to find a light. With the three expansive bay style windows facing out to the highway, there was plenty of ambient light to see the oversized couch that sat in the middle of the room, even the little plastic tray table next to it, but no actual powered light.
Kat's sneakers pattered softly as she came jogging down the stairs, water sloshing from the small bowl she was carrying. It almost spilled out over the hardwood floor when she skipped a couple steps. “S- sit down!” She nodded to the couch, setting the bowl down on the table and shoving him down. “Are-” She took a deep breath and winced. Looking away, she let it out. “Are you dizzy? Do you know what day it is?” She pulled a rag out of the water and wrung it a couple times.
“I'm fine, Kat. Seriously, are you okay?” He flinched when she pressed the warm rag to the side of his head. A sharp driving pain gouged the flesh of his temple where she wiped at it. She continued to pat the wound, her voice shaking nearly as much as her hand.
“I'm. . . I'm- Why?”
He watched out the window, trying to think of something that might answer the woman, or at least keep her quiet. She'd want to call the police soon, any moment and she'd be demanding something be done. He sighed.
The deafening silence lingered for seconds, hours measured in the time it took him to actually look at her shining green eyes. She was watching him, silently pleading for some kind of reason, any reason for what had just happened. Jon swallowed back on his own questions, seeing the fear and child-like uncertainty in the woman's endless eyes, he wanted to help her. . . For a second he actually considered calling the police himself, but threw it out as soon as she dipped the rag back in the water and wrung it out again. They were alive, that's all that mattered. The who and why would wait, they'd would have to. “Y- You have a nice place. . .”
She stared for a second and recoiled ever so slightly, tilting her head. For another moment neither of them spoke or breathed. When she did, her voice was even more unsure. “Thanks.” A flash of orange reflected from her eyes when she looked down at the rag in her hand. “It's- It's peaceful.”
“Looks like it.” Jon swallowed. “Is this where you grew up?”
“No.” She looked up, searching his face for something only she would understand. “We. . . We lived in the city.”
“Oh, cool. So did you go to North View?”
She stared for almost a full minute. “Home schooled.”
“How was that?”
Kat took a deep breath as the seconds ticked by in silence. She finally let it out, speaking so low that Jon almost missed it. “We need to call the police, we need to get you to a doctor. . . Man, we. . . What? Guns! Jon! They had guns! They were shooting at us!”
“I know.” He tried hard not to shrug and even harder to keep his voice calm. “I know, but we're okay. Right?”
“This- This doesn't bother you?”
“It's over. We're alright. . . We don't need to call the cops for-” He winced away when she pushed the rag to his temple, hard. “We're alright. Life goes on.”
Kat stared at him, her eyes narrowing just slightly. “Did you know them? Were they trying to. . .”
“I've never seen them before.” Jon tried his best not to ball his fists up as the woman pressed the rag harder against his wound. “Seriously. We made it though, that's the important thing right now.”
She took a long breath, letting several minutes pass before she spoke again. “Yeah. . . I guess so.”
*
Thanks for any comments/crits/input!
Last edited:
