Would this hook you?

seun · Apr 28, 2007

I'm trying to come up with an hook to put in a submission letter for my fantasy/adventure July. The best I've got is:

A force powerful enough to destroy worlds wants a thirteen year old girl dead. Her hope for survival lies with her friends and people from another world. Their only chance is what happened in July.

Would that make you want to read a sample of the book?

Writing Jedi · Apr 28, 2007

It doesn't hook me. Now I'm going to be of no use to you at all because I don't quite know why. Maybe it sounds a little vague or something, like I can't quite get an immediate sense of what it is actually about.

NeuroFizz · Apr 28, 2007

The following is a bit harsh, purposely so, to over-emphasize the problem (as I see it).

The problem--it's very vague. A force...(a mysterious force = cliche) wants to kill a thirteen year-old girl (so what, why should we care about this girl?). Her only hope lies with family (no problem) and people from another world (mysterious aliens just jump in). And it's all due to what happened in July (bad 4th of July potato salad?).

Seriously, we need to care a little, or be intrigued, to be hooked.

Siddow · Apr 28, 2007

I'll vote for too vague, too.

Try again.

Devil Ledbetter · Apr 28, 2007

I think the problem is that this is the girl's story, but your hook starts off talking about what "the force" wants. Obviously, the girl wants to live, but we all do, so that's not particularly hooky. Maybe if you start off with a bit about the girl's character (something we can relate to, or that makes us feel protective of her), then say the force (or something less vague) wants her dead, it will work better.

seun · Apr 28, 2007

Not feeling much love for my attempt

OK, I'll have a think about this and see what else I can come up with.

ChaosTitan · Apr 28, 2007

seun said:
A force powerful enough to destroy worlds wants a thirteen year old girl dead. Her hope for survival lies with her friends and people from another world. Their only chance is what happened in July.

To me it sounds like the opening lines of a query, but not the hook itself. The basic structure of a hook is very simple: Character A wants X, but can't have it because of Z. Often Z is an event or an antagonist. We need to know something about the girl before we care that someone wants her dead. Why is she special? Who are these otherworldly people? What's so special about it happening in July?

For some good examples, check out the recent Hook contest over at the Fangs, Fur and Fey blog. Or scroll through the Snarkives over at Miss Snark's blog.

seun · Apr 28, 2007

I've stressed myself out with this to the point of I can't think of a f*cking thing so I'm going to sod off and drink beer.

Hopefully I'll come up with something by tomorrow morning. Thanks for the thoughts. Always appreciated.

Will Lavender · Apr 28, 2007

The first two lines may be vague, but I really love that last sentence.

"Their only chance is what happened in July."

For me, the vagueness of that sentence is what makes it work. I'd keep it.

Sean D. Schaffer · Apr 28, 2007

seun said:
I'm trying to come up with an hook to put in a submission letter for my fantasy/adventure July. The best I've got is:

A force powerful enough to destroy worlds wants a thirteen year old girl dead. Her hope for survival lies with her friends and people from another world. Their only chance is what happened in July.

Would that make you want to read a sample of the book?

I'm afraid it wouldn't hook me, no. Sorry about that, but something about the way it reads, bothers me. I'm sure it's probably the wording, and if it were worded better it might do a better job hooking me.

I think what it is, is that the words read as though you're trying too hard. I know I get that way when trying to hook an editor. I tend to change gears when I'm trying to hook someone onto one of my works, and the changing gears changes the way I write. Instead of working within your hooking gear, perhaps you can stay within your storytelling gear. Maybe you could be more natural in your words, and not try so hard to hook the reader. That, in and of itself, might read more naturally and less forced, and might thus better hook the reader.

Forgive me if I'm not making any sense; I haven't had much coffee yet this morning and I'm still not quite awake.

NeuroFizz · Apr 28, 2007

I'll agree with Will. With a good first two lines, the July thing could work. But as is, it falls short. But even then, this "all because of what happened.." finale might be better if it refers to a thing (or event) rather than a time.

BlueBadger · Apr 28, 2007

Kind of reminds me of the premise of "The Scrapped Princess" manga series. Not a bad hook, but if you're hoping to sell it for its originality, sorry.

The Grift · Apr 28, 2007

Maybe it's too big in scale? We're supposed to care if the world gets blown up, but its hard to relate to it.

Seunita never thought that a backyard barbeque could end with a world-destroying force wanting her dead. Now this thirteen year old's only chance to get back to her life of text-messages and American Idol lies with a pair of nervous accountants from another world who may hold the answers to her survival and what exactly happened last July.

That's actually worse. The sentences are convoluted, run-on, and grammatically imperfect. But my point stands.

Oddly enough, what interests me isn't this world destroying force, but rather who these people are from another world and how they relate to the MC. Other things I'd like to see in a hook are stakes, personality of MC, and quirk. Of course, I'm not an agent, and editor, or even published.

Judg · Apr 28, 2007

Wondering, how can a force want anything? Electricity and gravity have not been setting up wish lists or people-to-kill lists, as far as I know.

Sean D. Schaffer · Apr 28, 2007

Judg said:
Wondering, how can a force want anything? Electricity and gravity have not been setting up wish lists or people-to-kill lists, as far as I know.

Forgive me for this, but I cannot stop thinking about the following line by Darth Vader:

"Don't be so proud of this technological terror you've constructed. The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant compared to the power of the Force."

Now back to our regularly-scheduled programming.

Gillhoughly · Apr 28, 2007

NAME, who commands a force powerful enough to destroy worlds, wants thirteen-year-old Jessica Smith dead. ~~Her hope for survival lies with her friends and people from another world. Their only chance is what happened in July~~. A headstrong daredevil, Jesse escapes death with the help of other-world friends and family, but ultimately has to (fill in this blank) herself. [/quote]

Not the best, but hopefully you get the idea. Intro names, problems, and what the character does to solve the problem. You may know what's so important about the mysterious force, but it's not a biggie to a slush reader. You have to spell it out so they know what's at stake.

Your best bet is set aside a few hours to delve into Miss Snark's Crap-o-meter contest archives to see what she rips up (and why) and what works for her (and why).

If the girl is your hero, make sure she is actively participating in solving the problem. Having people coming to her rescue is fine, used once. After she gets her "adventure legs" under her, she needs to take the lead for her own fate.

"Young Frodo Baggins inherits the perilous One Ring of power that can rule all Middle Earth. He must make the dangerous journey to the fires of Mount Doom and destroy the ring before the Dark Lord Sauron takes it for himself. With help from family and friends Frodo begins the quest, but the Ring itself works to seduce him to its evil power."

.

Oddsocks · Apr 28, 2007

The only problem I can see is that it tells you a little bit about what's involved, but not the interesting ways in which those things tie up. Force, girl, other world, some event - but it would be good to know a little bit more about what makes these, and their relations to each other, unique/different. Something to intrigue, something which will leave a question in the reader's mind (like the july thing, this at least makes you ask "what happened in July?")

Novelist in Paradise · Apr 28, 2007

It's too generic for me. This could describe a whole bunch of stories. What's unique about yours?

seun · Apr 29, 2007

Would opening it with a question help?

How does a thirteen year old girl stay alive when the force that can destroy the world is coming for her?

Kay_XX · Apr 29, 2007

I get you want to condence your story, but I think you've condenced it too much. Your protagonist could be ANY teenager. Your destructive force would be ANYTHING. That's why it's vague and that's why it's not hooking people, IMO. We want to know who is your protagonist, what makes this 13-year old so special? What's her unique trait? What's the unique deal with the "force"?

I think you can afford to make your hook longer, by adding more info, especially about the main character and why the force is coming at her.

Nolita · Apr 29, 2007

Re-read what Gillhoughly said. I have like 0 experience, and even I want to read the non-existent book used in their sample. They laid down everything you need. Just follow what they wrote, and use the correct characters, and plot from your story, in place of what they used for examples.

If they made it any simpler, I could write a really good hook.

BTW: Does the force have a name? Is it just going after random 13 year olds? Is the reason why it's after your character a big mystery?

If it's not a big mystery, why leave it one in your hook? Here's a bit of free and fast, if not good:

Shambala(force name, free and fast gets you a 3 dog night song) wants 13 year old Jenny(it also gets you a bit of Weill) dead by her 14th birthday(just riffin'). Bright as a penny(more Weill). Can poor Jenny escape Shambala's clutches, aided only by her wits, chutzpah, and the Smurfs?

It's your story, and your hook, you know what goes where, and can clean up grammar + riff on your own, but that's how I translated fast via theft.

Nolita · Apr 29, 2007

This is fun. I know I should be writing my own stuff, but this is fun. Here's a slightly different version...

The clock's ticking for Jenny. Shambala wants her dead by her 14th birthday. She's bright as a penny, and sharp as a knife. Can poor Jenny escape Shambala's clutches -- aided only by her wits, chutzpah, and the Smurfs?

Still riffin', earlier bits about grammar and riffing on your own still apply. Hope I gave you a giggle, even if I couldn't help.

Michael Dracon · Apr 29, 2007

seun said:
I'm trying to come up with an hook to put in a submission letter for my fantasy/adventure July. The best I've got is:

A force powerful enough to destroy worlds wants a thirteen year old girl dead. Her hope for survival lies with her friends and people from another world. Their only chance is what happened in July.

Would that make you want to read a sample of the book?

To be honest: No, not really. It sounds a bit like Buffy the Vampire Slayer set in the near future, and that's actually done already.

Replace 'thirteen year old girl' with a name and remove the 'enough to destroy worlds' bit. It makes it more personal and also doesn't make people think why that force doesn't just whipe out half the planet to get her killed.

I love the last line though. That makes you wonder what is going to happen.

seun · Apr 29, 2007

John Kempton has been dead for centuries. That doesn't stop him from killing girls. Now, with the help of a monstrous evil, he's coming for thirteen year old Lucy Adams. Lucy doesn't know why Kempton wants her dead; she just knows that what happened in July may hold the answer.

If she's going to survive, she must travel beyond the borders of her reality and find Sarah, the queen of a ruined world next to our own.

If they fail to help one another and stop Kempton, Lucy will lose her life and Sarah will lose her world.

Nolita · Apr 29, 2007

Ooh that's good. You'll get advice for tightening it up, but that's good.

Would this hook you?

Horror Man

The grad students did it

I'm super! Thanks for asking

Come on you stranger, you legend,

Horror Man

Around

Horror Man

Everything is what it seems.

The grad students did it

Knows notebooks can kill.

Tom Swiftly's Favorite Adverb

DISENCHANTED coming soon

Grumpy writer and editor

Ah, the joys of dengue fever

Horror Man

Urban Fantasy Geek

Horror Man