Help with a cliche

[Little Red Barn]

I can't seem to correct this last part... I'm describing the person walking in to the room...And I keep coming up with this silly cliche.
I'm trying to conclude with his mannerisms...southern gentleman with class. blah blah Argg..any ideas, suggestions--appreciated.
I describe his suit that compliments his eyes then I say....

His clothing screamed wealth while his mannerisms spoke class. The kind of class money couldn’t buy.

[davids]

Hell kimmi what ya worried about-too much worry ruins a good book don't ya know? I think it is a terrific sentence-is it in fact a cliche'? Maybe but life is full of cliche' and in a work of fiction-well-try and write one that is without just a nibble of clicheotomic words. Write for yourself-write for you readers-or a combination of both? Hmmm-I think the combo thing might be a wise choice-this would probably be the old money factor kiddo-money flows to the writer they say. It usually flows to the writer who can write sellable books-Hmmm what a thought-in case you did not get my drift-great sentences-descriptive-to the point-tells me everything I wanna know-Kilgore Trout would understand and like it-what the hell else do ya want? Oh and Steinbeck and Hemmingway as well among others!!!! At least I am pretty sure they would but hey that is just my not so humble openonion!-Dave

[Little Red Barn]

Hell kimmi what ya worried about-too much worry ruins a good book don't ya know? I think it is a terrific sentence-is it in fact a cliche'? Maybe but life is full of cliche' and in a work of fiction-well-try and write one that is without just a nibble of clicheotomic words. Write for yourself-write for you readers-or a combination of both? Hmmm-I think the combo thing might be a wise choice-this would probably be the old money factor kiddo-money flows to the writer they say. It usually flows to the writer who can write sellable books-Hmmm what a thought-in case you did not get my drift-great sentences-descriptive-to the point-tells me everything I wanna know-Kilgore Trout would understand and like it-what the hell else do ya want? Oh and Steinbeck and Hemmingway as well among others!!!! At least I am pretty sure they would but hey that is just my not so humble openonion!-Dave
Huh? :smiles: nice seeing you Dave--doing ok?
Soo you like it...
I say, yada body, eyes, blah blah and then... end with--- His clothing screamed wealth, while his mannerisms spoke class---The kind of class money could not buy.
Maybe I'm focusing on this last sentence too much--but...I feel I...oh snap I don't know... ;)

[alleycat]

Both his elegant, well-tailored clothing and his impecible manners indicated a gentleman of class. The kind of class the nuevo riche could never buy.

Not great, but I'll throw it out there.

[davids]

I can't seem to correct this last part... I'm describing the person walking in to the room...And I keep coming up with this silly cliche.
I'm trying to conclude with his mannerisms...southern gentleman with class. blah blah Argg..any ideas, suggestions--appreciated.
I describe his suit that compliments his eyes then I say....

His clothing screamed wealth while his manners spoke class. The kind of class money could not buy.

So there a minute adjustment-says it all-I told ya stop worryin'! If you took these two sentence and made them as verbose as you could-added tons of extra words and someone suggested to you that the idea within was terrific but you should tighten it up and you did, this is what you would end up with tight and right and just fine-cliche'anoia is gonna make your ears fall off and stop you in your tracks!!!!

[Little Red Barn]

Both his elegant, well-tailored clothing and his impecible manners indicated a gentleman of class. The kind of class the nuevo riche could never buy.

Not great, but I'll throw it out there.
Nice Alley, good to see you.

I like it better than mine...not too elegant though...he's a professional...attorney.

[Little Red Barn]

So there a minute adjustment-says it all-I told ya stop worryin'! If you took these two sentence and made them as verbose as you could-added tons of extra words and someone suggested to you that the idea within was terrific but you should tighten it up and you did, this is what you would end up with tight and right and just fine-cliche'anoia is gonna make your ears fall off and stop you in your tracks!!!!
Dave...argg...whats verbose--anoi'.
Do you think I should keep it or change it...
Kimim is getting confused...sorry guys :D

[FloVoyager]

His clothing screamed wealth while his mannerisms spoke class. The kind of class money couldn’t not buy.

I'm having a little trouble with "couldn't not buy." ;)

Okay, here's my two cents: "His clothing screamed wealth while his unaffected manners spoke class--the kind money couldn’t buy."

[davids]

Dave...argg...whats verbose--anoi'.
Do you think I should keep it or change it...
Kimim is getting confused...sorry guys :D

verbose-wordy

Look at my last post-I made one small change-read it aloud-tight and right correct? I say do not change it except for the minor change. Or you can listen to the next 3000 replies well intentioned as they may be and not improve one jot on these two sentences which are now perfect in my opinion which contrary to popular belief is sought and not fought. Now get on with it and stop makin yerself nuts!

[Little Red Barn]

I'm having a little trouble with "couldn't not buy." ;)

Okay, here's my two cents: "His clothing screamed wealth while his unaffected manners spoke class--the kind money couldn’t buy."
Thank you Flo, his manners...mannerisms are exuding... you get the sense as so as he steps into the room...walks toward the mc.

[Little Red Barn]

verbose-wordy

Look at my last post-I made one small change-read it aloud-tight and right correct? I say do not change it except for the minor change. Or you can listen to the next 3000 replies well intentioned as they may be and not improve one jot on these two sentences which are now perfect in my opinion which contrary to popular belief is sought and not fought. Now get on with it and stop makin yerself nuts!
:smiles: I love you!

[davids]

:smiles: I love you!


NO-I luv's ya would be the correcterer forum of Aynglich-now go finish/sell/your book-NO-make yourself nuts-you are so damn cute when you are cornfusicated!!!!

[Little Red Barn]

NO-I luv's ya would be the correcterer forum of Aynglich-now go finish/sell/your book-NO-make yourself nuts-you are so damn cute when you are cornfusicated!!!!
;) ..later guys, take care.

[Judg]

Not wanting to be difficult, but if you are going to use Alleycat's suggestion, the proper spelling is "nouveau riche." That's singular. "Nouveaux riches" for plural.

[The Grift]

Ooh! Are we making suggestions?

Anyone with a big enough credit card could have bought his designer suit, but his manners were the sort that had no price and only very old money could ever hope to produce.

[Sandi LeFaucheur]

My problem is--money can't buy class. Neither can the nouveaux riches. Money, or the people who have it (whether new-rich or come-down-in-the-family-from-Henry-II-rich), can buy things. Things are not class. Things show you have a lot of money; they do not show you have class, and they, in themselves, are not class.

[Nolita]

My problem is--money can't buy class. Neither can the nouveaux riches. Money, or the people who have it (whether new-rich or come-down-in-the-family-from-Henry-II-rich), can buy things. Things are not class. Things show you have a lot of money; they do not show you have class, and they, in themselves, are not class.

Good point. People do try to buy it though. So maybe that's what kimmi's saying. People try to buy class and fail.

Famous example of someone who has a lot of money, but whose behavior makes me believe she has little if any class: Paris Hilton. If her last name wasn't Hilton, I would swear she just won the lottery.

[Anthony Ravenscroft]

A great book to own/read would be Paul Fussell, Class. There're distinct differences in the respective behaviours of "old money" & "new money." I don't want to overreach, but my impression is that there's similar distinctions in Europe between those who've inherited titles going back to about the time of the last dinosaur, & those whose lines were created recently (like after 1520).

The book has practical uses, not the least of which are how a type of person will sit, dress, stand, speak, & shake hands. When I interviewed for a middle-upper job with a big company, I went out & found a bunch of used high-end shirts at the Goodwill, trimmed the fray at the cuff-edges, then had them professionally washed & pressed (medium starch). I not only got the job, but I scared the crap out of the execs for months because they assumed I was dropping in from Corporate to check up on 'em.

An old-line "Southrin gen-mun" is likely wearing clothing that's very neat, a few decades out of style, & a little frayed around the edges. The jewelry might be flashy, but it won't be a ring unless it's a "good" college or the Masons. The shoes are creased (i.e. comfy & practical) but blindingly polished. The pants creases are proper & fresh but not razor-edged from heavy starch. The older this man is, the more likely he's either gone tough as a dried-out boot, or has a sparkle in his eye that suggests a degree of curiosity & mischieviousness -- & one might be hiding the other.

If he walks into the room, & you've already introduced the reader to the people in it, how do they react to this gentleman's entrance? This spares the writer from having to go all God-dy, & helps involve the reader by asking them to wonder why the people act/feel the way they do.

[Bartholomew]

I'd make one change:

His clothing screamed wealth while his manners spoke class. The kind of class money couldn't even touch.

[Doctor Shifty]

I can't seem to correct this last part... I'm describing the person walking in to the room...And I keep coming up with this silly cliche.
I'm trying to conclude with his mannerisms...southern gentleman with class. blah blah Argg..any ideas, suggestions--appreciated.
I describe his suit that compliments his eyes then I say....

His clothing screamed wealth while his mannerisms spoke class. The kind of class money couldn’t buy.


His clothing screamed of wealth, his bearing spoke of class, and somewhere there was the whisper of old money.

[akiwiguy]

While his clothing suggested wealth, his refined mannerisms were unmistakably bred.

[ErylRavenwell]

I can't seem to correct this last part... I'm describing the person walking in to the room...And I keep coming up with this silly cliche.
I'm trying to conclude with his mannerisms...southern gentleman with class. blah blah Argg..any ideas, suggestions--appreciated.
I describe his suit that compliments his eyes then I say....

His clothing screamed wealth while his mannerisms spoke class. The kind of class money couldn’t buy.

Bearing sounds better than mannerism (why the ess?). Comma necessary in front of "while".

[maestrowork]

Depending on the voice, style and story, this may not be a "bad" cliche. There are many ways to write the same sentence, but sometimes I think it's counterproductive if we stress over everything, trying to make every sentence "original" -- they may lose "authenticity," especially if the narrative voice is conversational.