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View Full Version : Repetion in a dream sequence.......


Alana Mortensen
04-10-2007, 08:04 AM
I am writing a paranormal romance and within two pages is a dream sequence relating to the MC's fiancee {that story is told later}. Here is thedream sequence followed by (what I hope is erotic, it is for the man watching her)....

Passage from novel:

Jess walked into her bedroom taking down her long black as she walked. Stood in the doorway, stepped out of her skirt and looked at her bed. Suddenly she felt cold and alone. The empty double bed, downsized from a king, looked like a death sentence.

She began to imagine Jimmy lying on the bed watching her strip for him, smile on his face and growing hard as she slowly undressed…

She slowly unbuttoned her blouse, giving him a glimpse of her breasts. Then turned to face the door as she dropped her blouse on the floor and turned so that he saw her from the side. Unhooking her thigh high hose from her garter belt, she leaned on the doorframe, caressing one leg from the ankle to the top of her thigh. She slipped her thumb into the top of her Hose and slowly slid them down over her slender thigh, bent her knee and slid it over her calf and off. Next, she removed the hose from the other leg in a similarly erotic gesture.

Now my question is do I need to repeat the stocking removal a second time indicating the opposite leg being bared?

Alana

ps excuse my typos I am awfully tired tonight and have a sinus headache that also affects my typing skills.

herdon
04-10-2007, 09:27 AM
You have a lot of passive sentences and sentence fragments. The entire thing is very tell-not-show with what my wife calls stair-step action -- she does this then she does this then she does this then she does this (etc.)

I would suggest thinking about which actions best transfer the feeling you are trying to get across and go into those actions in more detail while skipping the rest with as few words as possible. You might also want to engage the reader by creating a connection -- "she" is doing all this stuff but how is "she" feeling about it and how is "he" feelign about it (which she would only know by the expression on his face, sounds he made, etc).

loquax
04-10-2007, 03:10 PM
Now my question is do I need to repeat the stocking removal a second time indicating the opposite leg being bared?This question applies to all writing, not just (ugh) dream sequences. And the answer is - no, you don't have to repeat anything, ever. I would just mention that it was repeated in a non-invasive way.

maestrowork
04-10-2007, 04:12 PM
If you detail every move like an instructional manual, it's not very erotic. Sometimes less is more and let us use our imagination of how she undresses. So now, I don't think you need to repeat the description. We get it.

johnzakour
04-10-2007, 07:59 PM
I agree with what's been said so far, no need to hit the reader twice with details.

JanDarby
04-10-2007, 08:19 PM
Focus more on the feelings and thoughts than the stage directions. Perhaps take a look at action and reaction -- she does something, and what's his reaction and/or her own reaction to either the action or his reaction? It's not about the mechanics; it's about the thoughts and reactions and emotions.

Cut what's in red (generally b/c it's telling what you're bout to show) and add something for what's in blue (the reactions/emotions/thoughts).

She began to imagined Jimmy lying on the bed watching her strip for him, smile on his face and growing hard as she slowly undressed…

She slowly unbuttoned her blouse, giving him a glimpse of and he stared intently ather breasts. [add something here about how she feels under his scrutiny.] Then turned to face the door as she dropped her blouse on the floor and turned so that he saw her from the side. Unhooking her thigh high hose from her garter belt, she leaned on the doorframe, caressing one leg from the ankle to the top of her thigh. [Again, how does it feel to her? Then what does she notice about his reaction; this could be where the omitted arousal above becomes noticable. And then add something about why she continues with the show; is she doing it for him, for her, for both of them? Had she done it before? Is she anticipating the moment he jumps out of bed and drags her onto it with him? What's going on in her head? Then continue with the mechanics.]She slipped her thumb into the top of her Hose and slowly slid them down over her slender [pov violation] thigh, bent her knee and slid it over her calf and off. Next, she removed the hose from the other leg in a similarly erotic gesture.[Note: telling the reader it's erotic is sure to convince the reader that it's NOT.] Add in here how she feels about this? Is she getting aroused too? Is this something she's feeling a little naughty about? Did she always want to seduce him, but never had the courage before? Or was this something she did every Tuesday? Etc. Slow down the action and fill in the thoughts/emotions and also the physical reactions of the viewer (viewed from the outside, by the POV character) and of the stripper (from inside the pov character).]

A quick note on the issue of dream-like/fantasy sequences: They're fairly common in the erotica and erotic romance genres, and work well to foreshadow the sex between the characters when it's too early (or, in this case, too late) for them to have real sex. I think t hey have a valid purpose (and I'd have to believe that or be a hypocrite, b/c Alice has an imagined sex scene in What Alice Wants before she and the hero are together). In other genres, where it's just a dream of being afraid, or "ooo, bad things are a'comin' your way," I'm not so much a fan. But for this sort of thing, it can work well.

Alana Mortensen
04-11-2007, 07:24 AM
ok guys, fist of all, this is only a draft to say to my brain write about this...... so it will have lots of booboos and the actions to reactions, thoughts and feelings will come later. By all means it is not an outline either. Furthermore, thanks for the critiques. I admit I am no good at writing the "show" portiions of a story but now you all made me see the 3rd person omniscient POV is too limiting. Maybe first person would fit better? Or maybe multiple POVs? Whatever is the case thank you guys.

Alana

Alana Mortensen
04-11-2007, 08:09 AM
I just re-read the post and I must say I am sorry if it was rude or anything. I am half asleep and multitasking. Plus you guys big big stinkers. You are going to make me rewrie the whole darn thing by suggesing edits, aren' you? Well thanks it does need major rewriting but please for god sake not now! lol Just let me get a little more written first, then I will start the showing, ok? See I this idea spnning in my head for a crime scene to put in it and want to get it down before any revisioning happens.

Sorry this is not much better.

herdon
04-11-2007, 11:41 AM
My advice is to not post your writing on a writer's board if you do not want someone to tear it apart. I know that might sound harsh, but it is the truth.

Honestly, I don't often give critiques on boards because I never know if the person seriously wants a critique or not. But, because I appreciate the help my wife gives in editing all my stuff, I occassionally critique small passages.

Personally, I learned long ago that red marks were my friend. It might feel good for someone to say "hey that's great" but it doesn't help the story. The only thing that helps the story are a bunch of red marks indicating that I need to change this and that and the other and so on.

I'm not saying this to be mean, but if you want to be serious about being a writer you will need to learn to take a critique in the spirit it was given without becoming defensive. If, on the other hand, you aren't serious about being a writer that's fine -- there's nothing wrong with writing for fun -- but in that case you probably should avoid posting passages on a writer's board.

Alana Mortensen
04-12-2007, 02:59 AM
Havlen,

You misunderstand my intentions. I write because I have to. Yes I do write for fun also but I am serious about being a writer. The effort of writing 3 novels at once, lyric writing and my poetry plus editing it all Has me in a bad mood lately. It seems I am getting nothing done and it pisses me offto havean idea for a crime scene for this novel and not be able put it down.

I do appreciate the critiques and see nothing wrong with them. Although I hate the red marks, what was said about that peice of scheiss I posted was accurate and, dare I say, way too helpful for my brain to hold on to. Yes sir, it was only an example of my intentions for this dream sequence........ I applaud everyone for making me look stupid. I do have alot to learn, I admit that and hope to find solmeone to teach me. But please know I mean no offense to you guys and I speak my mind bluntly sometimes. Forgive me?

I am making far more changes than you all suggested. I needed that painful kick in the butt! Thank you.

herdon
04-12-2007, 03:45 AM
That is good to hear, but keep in my that when you respond defensively to a critique of your work you are making those of us that could help point a writer in the right direction not want to get involved.

I know I don't want to say something that will upset someone, nor do I think most people do, so any time someone is asking for advice on a piece of writing what goes through my head is whether or not they'll take offense to a true critique. More often than not, I simply don't respond unless I know the author of the post and know they take critique in the spirit that it is given.

I just think you should keep it in mind that it is somewhat counter-productive to respond with frustration as it means people will be less likely to provide help. No one really likes red marks but, unfortunately, it is one of many prices we pay for wanting to improve our craft.