I Noticed that I Heard so I Turned and I Saw

Shadow_Ferret · Feb 12, 2007

I was editing my novel and I saw that I was using a lot of "I noticed" to begin sentences and realized I could simply eliminate that. It was extraneous description. Of course "I saw!" It's in first person, right? Who else would be seeing or noticing or hearing or feeling?

So I did a search for all the:
I noticed
I heard
I saw
I felt
I looked
I glanced

and simply eliminated them with some minor sentence editing.

An example was, "I felt a tap on my shoulder." I changed it to. "There was a tap on my shoulder." "I noticed the monster was growing in strength." to "The monster grew in strength." Things like that.

Have you noticed anything superfluous in your WIP?

loquax · Feb 12, 2007

I sometimes take out superflous segments, but I'll also put them in for clarity or flow. The worst thing you can do it make the text weaker by changing things that seem superflous. Personally I would keep "I felt a tap on my shoulder." Or at least change it to "someone tapped me on the shoulder". "There was" is very boring and passive sounding.

scarletpeaches · Feb 12, 2007

Since vomiting my first three chapters all over Share Your Work, I've noticed the amount of dialogue tags I use.

I'm proud of not head jumping, one of my top three pet hates (I'll tell you what the other two are later...maybe), but - gah! That dastardly dialogue attribution just slips past me, time and time again!

People exclaim, ask, comment, insist and ejaculate all over my books.

Shadow_Ferret · Feb 12, 2007

loquax said:
I"There was" is very boring and passive sounding.

How about, "A tap on my shoulder caught my attention." Or "A tap on my shoulder startled me."

scarletpeaches said:
Since vomiting my first three chapters all over Share Your Work....

Ew! I missed that. Did you clean up after yourself?

scarletpeaches · Feb 12, 2007

I'll wait until it sets; it'll be easier to scrape off the forum that way.

Maryn · Feb 12, 2007

Ferret, if you look around, there've been numerous threads about "filtering" through your POV character and how to dodge it, since it puts readers at arm's length needlessly.

Other terms to search for are knew, thought, considered, regarded, wondered, noticed, sensed, felt, saw, hoped, realized, smelled, heard... you get the idea.

FWIW, Something tapped my shoulder seems far stronger, to me, than either I felt a tap on my shoulder or There was a tap on my shoulder.

Maryn, reaching around to tap your right shoulder while she exits left

Shadow_Ferret · Feb 12, 2007

Maryn, thanks. But I couldn't think of the word "filtering." That's why my initial post is worded so lamely.

KCathy · Feb 12, 2007

My best writing teacher once told me that if I can say it in fewer words or shorter words without sacrificing meaning, I should. I keep reading interviews with editors who mention "concise" or "tight" writing, and I think that must be at least part of what they mean by it.

Or maybe I should say: That must be what editors mean when they mention liking "concise" or "tight" writing. Or maybe: Editor like "tight" writing. Or mabye: Write tight. Okay, I'm going too far, but you get what I mean, lol.

scarletpeaches · Feb 12, 2007

That lol was superfluous. I mean unnecessary. I mean, it was shite.

kristie911 · Feb 12, 2007

I went through my novel and searched for: she felt, she noticed, she saw, things like that and I was shocked at how much I used them. That's why I love the search feature on Word...it makes it pretty easy to get rid of some of those things.

Penguin Queen · Feb 12, 2007

I do the dialogue tag thing far too much.

@Maryn, Ive found a few verbs on your list-of-verbs-to-avoid, that I find quite useful: hoped, heard, smelled, wondered.
These can say a a lot about either a situation or a character, or both, IMO.

I smelt gas, and then the house blew up. I wandered away, wondering* whether anybody would ever find out....

*before you ask, yes, I'm using those two on purpose. I like alliteration (if that's what they're doing)

MightyScribbler · Feb 12, 2007

I don't think the dialogue tags are such a bad thing. I like to use them like so: "I hate you." She said, as she got up from her chair abruptly and moved closer to the peach-colored wall.

scarletpeaches · Feb 12, 2007

In that case, I would say the 'she said' is unnecessary, because we read the words in quote marks, so we know they were said. The fact her actions immediately follow these words, in the same paragraph, also show us who spoke.

Even if they were included, it would be

"I hate you," she said, as she got up...

Penguin Queen · Feb 12, 2007

I use them when I have just two poeple talking.

"Blah," she said.
"But, I said.
"Well," she said.

etc. I think I do that because when I read something like that & it's not done really well (with characterisation in the dialogue) I get lost immediately & have to count off whose turn to speak it is. And I know that dialogue is not my strong suit, so my ow dialogue will not always be that clear.

Or mebbe I just assume that everyone is as muddle-headed as me. *sigh*

scarletpeaches · Feb 12, 2007

I use them when I have three people talking - beat that!

I don't think they're necessary when it's just two, not all the time, as he said she said he said she said gets repetitive, but three or more? That gets complicated, and you need to make it clear who's speaking.

I just think with two people, your reader knows they're taking turns.

loquax · Feb 12, 2007

My worst fault is using "seemed" too much. It has a double usefulness - not only can it be used to replace "was", it also tightens the POV. Still, it's very telling and not at all showing. So it has to go.

blacbird · Feb 12, 2007

loquax said:
My worst fault is using "seemed" too much. It has a double usefulness - not only can it be used to replace "was", it also tightens the POV. Still, it's very telling and not at all showing. So it has to go.

"Seem" seems unnecessarily indefinite to me. I tend to use it a lot in first drafts, too, and have found it easy to replace with more definite words (of which "was" is one, frankly). Often a thing either is or is not, and to say it "seems" to be something is just weak and waffly. I try to use "seem" only in those situations when it is important to indicate doubt or uncertainty on the part of the POV character.

caw

Shadow_Ferret · Feb 12, 2007

Yes, I believe I have a lot of seemed in mine, too.

It seemed like... It seemed to be...

It seems like that would make the writing seem really weak.

loquax · Feb 12, 2007

The main reason I use it is because it tightens the POV, I think. Take for example:

Steph paused as Jack walked into the room. He seemed upset

Steph paused as Jack walked into the room. He was upset

The use of "was" not only sounds passive, it also breaks the POV (unless steph can read minds and knows 100% that Jack is indeed upset)

Arghh it's so hard to get rid of! But I'm a better writer for doing it... must... show......... not... tell....

Jack walked into the room, smiling as usual. But the defeated look in his eyes made Steph pause.
"Are you okay?"

THERE, done

WildScribe · Feb 12, 2007

scarletpeaches said:
People... ejaculate all over my books.

I hope you write romance!!

Shadow_Ferret · Feb 12, 2007

loquax said:
The main reason I use it is because it tightens the POV, I think. Take for example:

Steph paused as Jack walked into the room. He seemed upset

Steph paused as Jack walked into the room. He was upset

The use of "was" not only sounds passive, it also breaks the POV (unless steph can read minds and knows 100% that Jack is indeed upset)

Well, you could have "He was visibly upset." Then not only do you have a passive sentence but you have a much maligned adverb, too.

I'm not sure we can eliminate all "was"es.

I mean, where would the poem,
Fuzzy Wuzzy Was A Bear

be without wuz, I mean, was.

maestrowork · Feb 12, 2007

Shadow_Ferret said:
Yes, I believe I have a lot of seemed in mine, too.

It seemed like... It seemed to be...

It seems like that would make the writing seem really weak.

Not only is it weak, it also makes the narrator unreliable. The narrator should always know... unless the narrator is reporting about the POV character: "It seemed odd to Jared that the door would be open." Otherwise, avoid ambiguous, weak verbs.

maestrowork · Feb 12, 2007

loquax said:
The main reason I use it is because it tightens the POV, I think. Take for example:

Steph paused as Jack walked into the room. He seemed upset

Steph paused as Jack walked into the room. He was upset

The use of "was" not only sounds passive, it also breaks the POV (unless steph can read minds and knows 100% that Jack is indeed upset)

There's nothing "passive" about was. "Seemed" is a weaker verb than was.

How about:

Steph paused as Jack walked into the room. He breathed heavily and clenched his jaw, his frown deep. He kept shaking his head.

"I can't believe you," he said as he approached Steph.

SHOW, don't tell.

loquax · Feb 12, 2007

Well I didn't say "was" is passive, I said it sounds passive, or gives the impression. I've read this many times, and have come to adopt it. "Was" just isn't good. For me, "seems" is a stronger verb. It's a loaded word, and raises questions, gives meaning etc.

However, I still think it's weak, and at the end of the day it's just a variation on "was".

(And my last italicized example was my attempt at showing, not telling. Looks like I failed on that one!)

TrainofThought · Feb 12, 2007

My WIP has a chronic disease called Habitulitis. It reproduces words and phrases without my knowledge. I am aware of its repetition, so the fourth edit is taking longer to correct.

I Noticed that I Heard so I Turned and I Saw

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