what to do when the person you love the most doesn't support your dream?

I'm really sorry she said that to you. It must feel awful. But you mustn't give up on your writing. My guess is that she merely feels left out. When we're angry, we often say things that are mean and hurtful, but we really don't mean them. I know, because I said a similar thing to my husband once. I meant it at the time because I was very angry (a similar situation - he was spending a great deal of time away from the kids and I, and I'd had enough.) I later realised I was wrong, and had been lashing out in anger. I think he realised it too, but of course it doesn't take away something that's already been said.

I think you should talk to her about it. Tell her how upset it made you. You need someone who will really support you, but sometimes non-writers just don't understand the depth and significance of what our writing means to us. Maybe that's all it is.

Hope this helps.

To be perfectly honest, I couldn't live with someone who thought my need to write was stupid or that I'd never get anywhere with it. He doesn't have to "get it", he doesn't have to be my cheerleader, but I couldn't deal with the negativity. I've had to make a few compromises about my writing time, but he's never once given me any indication he thinks I should NOT write (quite the contrary...he just felt we weren't spending enough time together, and he was right).

kborsden said:

She thinks it's a stupid dream and that I'll never get anywhere with it.

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So, is she an editor or a publisher or something? What's her area of expertise? How does she know this? Is she a beta reader for some other genius? Can she clarify what areas of weakness in your writing will cause your failure? I'm just interested in how knowledgeable a conversation she can have about the writing business. If she's just wishing bad upon you, well then that tells you something about her character, and I'm afraid, also about yours for having chosen her.

Show me who you love. I'll tell you who you are.

Two hours a day to insist on having to yourself is nothing. If she's finding it a problem now, you can bet every time that child cries when it's born, she'll insist you attend to it.
Sit her down now. Tell her what's non negotiable. Be firm.


I'm afraid if your two hours a day are negotiable, depending on whether your partner allows it or not, then you lack the back bone to succeed. Would she be ok if you spent two hours in front of the tv? If the answer is yes, then you are living with a saboteur. By the way, if she has any dreams or pursuits, I hope you are supporting her in those. If she don't and resents yours, well one of you is going to have to change. You give up your dreams or she gives up her resentment,


This reminds me terribly of another thread I read on here a while back. After everyone tossed it back and forth for long time, with lots of great advice and writerly well wishing and support, the op popped back with a timely comment on how amazing his partner was in bed. I stopped reading the thread. There's nothing to say to that.

roght there and then I wanted to give up on my writing for good.

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OK, but don't you ever blame her for it. Years later, when you blame her for your broken dreams and all those lost years, she won't even remember the conversation. Shake it off. Toughen up. This is but the first battle. There will be many others.

The Lady said:

So, is she an editor or a publisher or something? What's her area of expertise? How does she know this? Is she a beta reader for some other genius? Can she clarify what areas of weakness in your writing will cause your failure? I'm just interested in how knowledgeable a conversation she can have about the writing business. If she's just wishing bad upon you, well then that tells you something about her character, and I'm afraid, also about yours for having chosen her.

Show me who you love. I'll tell you who you are.

Two hours a day to insist on having to yourself is nothing. If she's finding it a problem now, you can bet every time that child cries when it's born, she'll insist you attend to it.
Sit her down now. Tell her what's non negotiable. Be firm.


I'm afraid if your two hours a day are negotiable, depending on whether your partner allows it or not, then you lack the back bone to succeed. Would she be ok if you spent two hours in front of the tv? If the answer is yes, then you are living with a saboteur. By the way, if she has any dreams or pursuits, I hope you are supporting her in those. If she don't and resents yours, well one of you is going to have to change. You give up your dreams or she gives up her resentment,


This reminds me terribly of another thread I read on here a while back. After everyone tossed it back and forth for long time, with lots of great advice and writerly well wishing and support, the op popped back with a timely comment on how amazing his partner was in bed. I stopped reading the thread. There's nothing to say to that.




OK, but don't you ever blame her for it. Years later, when you blame her for your broken dreams and all those lost years, she won't even remember the conversation. Shake it off. Toughen up. This is but the first battle. There will be many others.

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You hard ass!


If my girlfriend turned around and said something similar to what you describe kborsden, I would ignore her until she firstly apologised and agreed to let me write without a background of moaning. I'm such a passive agressive git. Thankfully though she loves my writing and fully understands it's one of the most important things in my life.

I'd rather give up on the person than the writing.

My heart goes out to you, if I may be serious for a moment. When writing's your dream it hurts, really hurts when someone tells you you'll never make it. Even if she believes that, she doesn't have to say it. She could still support you.

Really, the spark of creativity we all have is what makes us human - and she's creative too...she's given birth.

I don't know what else to say, except...man, it must really hurt to hear such things from your significant other. If it were me, I'd question whether a partner who could say such things (in anger or not) could really 'get' me.

I split up from my first boyfriend for that reason. I was 16, he was 21 (as Cher sang) and he told me I'd "never make it." We didn't part ways there and then, but that was the moment I knew it was over.

Sorry, very gloomy reply and not much help I'm afraid.

kborsden said:

Maybe she did say it in anger just to spite me, maybe there is a truth in her words, maybe it will go nowhere. I'm going to keep on writing until it kills me, but at what expence?

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I'm not one to accept that something so hurtful is forgivable because it was said "in anger". That it was said indicates that it was thought...perhaps they didn't want to say it, and in their anger, did so...but I have a hard time believing that something like that just randomly fell out of her mouth because she was mad. My experience has always been that if something out of line is spoken in anger, it was either 1) something they didn't really think, but said because it would cut the other person down (which is almost as bad, IMHO), or 2) something they really thought, but hadn't actually intended to say out loud.

As far as continuing to write, but at what expense, think about it: would you ask her to give up something that is a core part of who she is? I always hear the advice given to people that you CANNOT change who your partner is. Either accept the way they are, or move on. You should be able to expect that from her as well. It's one thing to ask for compromises -- ie., if you were writing so often that you never spent time with her, it's reasonable to expect you to meet her in the middle somewhere -- it's another completely berate something so important to someone and imply that they shouldn't do it AT ALL.

Good luck to you. I hope it works out well for you, whichever road you take.

That's really awful for you Kie, your wife should be more supportive of you and encourage you with your writing and your dreams.
My husband used to complain when I first had a computer and was on here talking to people a lot on an internet site. But once I started writing on it, a couple of years ago now; he says that he can't wait to see me published and my writing in book form. He doesn't care if I sit on here all day and all night now... That's only so he can watch what he wants on the TV all of the time I reckon? LOL. My husband isn't a reader, never has been, but he is all for me trying to get published, especially as I finished my first WIP this week,and a friend is reading it over for me to look for any mistakes I may have done.


Elodie.

Gabriel said:

You hard ass!


If my girlfriend turned around and said something similar to what you describe kborsden, I would ignore her until she firstly apologised and agreed to let me write without a background of moaning. I'm such a passive agressive git. Thankfully though she loves my writing and fully understands it's one of the most important things in my life.

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If my husband said something like that to me, I'd passive-aggressively put all of his paintball gear on eBay so we could spend time together that he WOULD have spent paintballing...

Your priorities are yours alone but we are talking two human beings here and one created out of love on the way...your odds of creating and keeping a content and happy marriage are far greater than becoming the next unforgettable writer. You may, however, become ( without question ) an unforgettable husband and father.

Speach over.

Your dreams are yours alone. Writing is solitary, we all know that. Your sig. other is just starting to see what this writing thing is all about. Patience. Explain and explain again. In the meantime, balance. All of us can go overboard with our obsession to want to create, sell and build a audience/readership. It's so much easier to lose ourselves to our work and to the computer than to discuss for however long it takes WHY we feel driven to write.

If writing is going to be a part of your life, just as she is and your child will be, then a pleasant medium must be created that you both can live with. Many have done it, you're not alone.

Best of luck to you.

JM

kborsden said:

Every few days or so, the missus and I will have an argument. Usually because I'm 'spending too much time on the computer'. She's always on at me for not paying attention to her, although I only write for two hours a day. The last argument went so far, it ended with her telling me what she really thinks of my writing. She thinks it's a stupid dream and that I'll never get anywhere with it. This hurts and upsets me deeply. The mother of my child, my wife-to-be has no belief in what I hope to achieve. roght there and then I wanted to give up on my writing for good. Does anyone else recognize this situation?

kie

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Is she pregnant? I would like to help you put this into perspective by saying...she is probably feeling insecure and most likely hormonal even if the child is already born. Perhaps she is jealous and feeling that she wished she had something of her own that she loved as much as you love your writing.

Perhaps she is afraid she will be lost to her role as a mother and soon to be wife. I know you said you are writing only two hours a day but do you also have another "day job"? Is she trapped indoors?

It seems she knows you very well. In fact so well that she knew just where to punch you. She is trying to get your attention. However, don't even think about it for a minute. Don't give up on writing. I don't care if a million people tell you that your work is cr@p. I think what she really wanted to say was..."I am afraid you will get so successful you will leave me and our child."

So here is what you do...first you ask yourself why she would say it. Don't ask if what she has merit...it doesn't. But ask what is she going through to turn on you in such a vicious way. Then if there is nothing plausible...THEN consider if you need to have a serious conversation about where your relationship is going. Also...I don't know you so my question now is not in judgement...but do you support her in finding something she finds joy in? If so..what does she love to do? Make sure that in writing you aren't hedging out time for her to do what she needs to do.

Just some thoughts,

Man I know how you feel. I've had my own parents shoot me down numerous times. And yes, I've given up on a couple of 'dreams' or at least put them on hold for a few years.

Anymore I just shove the rude comments in the back of my mind and tell myself they lack the knowledge to have a rational conversation with me about my chosen passion. It is not worth arguing with them about it. Anymore, I keep my dreams to myself to protect them, and myself, from getting shot down again and again. They don't even realize they put me down, and when I do bring it up they deny it until they are blue in the face. Yes it is irritating, yes it is depressing, and yes it lessens your faith in yourself as a writer and even as a person.

Having to deal with it growing up, I've grown fairly thick skin. But there are times I am cut to the heart by their hurtful comments. It hurts because they are so close. If it were a stranger, it likely would have rolled off like water from a ducks back.

If a fiancee' had said something that hurtful, I would have sent them packing that night. It is hard to get your foot in the door as a writer, the last thing you need is someone to drag you down in order to build themselves up.

I honestly would look for another mate, regardless if she fathered your child. I would want someone to walk WITH me, not walk all over me. Her true character seems to shine through based on what little you've posted. Thats my .02 cents.

Dixie said:

If a fiancee' had said something that hurtful, I would have sent them packing that night. It is hard to get your foot in the door as a writer, the last thing you need is someone to drag you down in order to build themselves up.

I honestly would look for another mate, regardless if she fathered your child. I would want someone to walk WITH me, not walk all over me. Her true character seems to shine through based on what little you've posted. Thats my .02 cents.

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Wellllllll...now...let us not be too hasty. We are reading a brief description of the situation at hand. We are not hearing her side of the story and there are many reasons a person may lash out like that.

While I am all for having people in your life who are supportive and amazing and think we are great...I also think we have an obligation to be just as supportive in return.

I think it is unwise to give advise that someone should leave a person who either is or has carried their child without knowing more of the details.

For all we know...she is a writer as well and he called her a hack. The point is...we don't know everything about the situation.

It's not my place to tell you whether to leave your partner or not - that's between you and her. Yes, things are said in anger. Many times, we say things we don't mean. I've been the recipient of many hurtful accusations from my DH before he straightened himself out. Your fiance may be hormonal, God knows I was when I had my children.

My problem was that I concentrated on the children and was accused of not giving my husband enough attention. That was before I began writing. Then I was accused of sleeping with every man I met. But that's another story.

After he went to the doctor and got his medication (yay!) he responded with mild enthusiasm when I told him I would like to write, and he helped me out by refurbishing an old Thinkpad for me to store my work (my handwriting sucks, and hurts, too).

After two years and two novels, and no agent or contract, his lukewarm support has cooled off somewhat. Still, he doesn't bother me when I sit on the couch, trying to edit my novel. He doesn't complain because he has no right. I dedicated countless hours catering to his well-being for twenty years, nurturing his neuroses and stroking his ego, and he can pay me back by not giving me any grief if I want to spend a couple of hours a day writing. God knows he ignores me for hours at a time, and it doesn't bother me.

He makes no secret of the fact that he believes my writing is only a hobby until I get my first cheque. He doesn't encourage me like other family members do, but so far he doesn't discourage me, either. I don't care. Whatever he says will not stop me from writing.

You guys may have to sit down and work out a schedule, or you can devote a set time every weekend for her, to do what she wants. Even if it means getting a babysitter so you can spend some time alone together, whether it be a walk in the park, a nice dinner, or curling up together to watch a slobbery chick flick. You gotta give a little to get a little. Just wait till your first sale - use the advance to buy your little baby something special!

If you find it difficult to respond to her heated words in person, use your writing skills and write her a nice letter, expressing your concerns in a loving way. But above all, don't give up your writing.

I am a little concerned by the fact that when your two hours are over, they're not really over, that you keep drifting back to the computer. Maybe she's feeling neglected and maybe, just maybe, that feeling is justified.

I believe in win-win situations. Negotiate. For instance, you could tell her to consider it a hobby and an amazingly cheap one at that. It beats hanging out at sports bars with the boys, building sports cars in the garage, etc. etc. On the other hand, when your two hours are up, give her some time. Really give it. Don't have your head wrapped around the computer and a glazed look in your eyes as she talks to you. It sounds to me like you might be a little bit in denial about how much of your life this is really taking.

It's all very fine and well to have a dream and pursue it, but not at the price of sacrificing family and relationships. Nobody is perfect, and I'm more than a little appalled at all the advice you are getting to give her the boot. Yes, that was a hurtful thing for her to say. I know that when I'm fighting with my husband, I have to make a determined effort not to say a lot of things I'm thinking because by the next day even I won't believe it any more. So it wasn't necessarily what she really thinks.

The perfect woman doesn't exist. This can be worked out, and if you make it very clear to her that you are genuinely committed to her, and that you are willing to set boundaries around your dream, chances are very good she won't ask you to abandon it. She might not become a fantastic cheerleader, but you can't have everything. Benign indifference is enough.

My own husband is a wee bit conflicted. He thinks it's great, but... Basically he wants to make sure that important things aren't being neglected. Much as I hate to admit it, he's right.

Relationships - and most especially marriages - are incredibly valuable things. Please don't play the self-indulgent artist and sacrifice something of such great value.

Don't give up on your writing because of this. If you do it will come back to haunt you. It will weaken your relationship with your wife-to-be. You may find yourself resenting her because of it. Better to work through it with her. Why does she think it's a stupid dream? Perhaps she has secret dreams which she denies herself, perhaps because of the child. Maybe she secretly wishes she had the time to write or do some other creative endeavour as well and is envious that you have the time. Perhaps you could help her find a way to fulfill her creative dreams so she won't feel resentful of your's.

kborsden said:

Every few days or so, the missus and I will have an argument. Usually because I'm 'spending too much time on the computer'. She's always on at me for not paying attention to her, although I only write for two hours a day. The last argument went so far, it ended with her telling me what she really thinks of my writing. She thinks it's a stupid dream and that I'll never get anywhere with it. This hurts and upsets me deeply. The mother of my child, my wife-to-be has no belief in what I hope to achieve. roght there and then I wanted to give up on my writing for good. Does anyone else recognize this situation?

kie

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kborsden said:

I say 'two' hours, but ocasionally there is an overflow. Mostly I keep the computer on and go back and forth after I've had my time. I'm an obsessive compulsive when it comes to my manuscript.

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And you don't see how she would have a problem with this? Really?

I'm just taking a guess, but I'd put down money that "occasionally" is really "usually".

I'm not excusing what she said, but I'm guessing she's at the end of her rope and her other attempts at getting your attention have failed. She's competing with a computer and losing. (At least from her vantage.)

I am fortunate to have a husband who is more enthusiastic about my writing than I am. He's the one who talked me into trying to get published.

My mother, however, was a very harsh critic of my father's dreams. She said she was practical and I saw how she wasn't supportive of him. My own husband has some ideas that I think are really boneheaded and unrealistic, but I am supportive of him and try to help him to see all sides and think things through, not only because I love him, but because I refuse to be like my mother.

My mother was insecure and afraid of change or anything new; she refused to leave her comfort zone. Something similar may be going on with your SO.

Good luck.

kborsden said:

I say 'two' hours, but ocasionally there is an overflow. Mostly I keep the computer on and go back and forth after I've had my time. I'm an obsessive compulsive when it comes to my manuscript.

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1. Pay some attention to your partner - designate good, quality time with her. Take her out on dates. When you're with her, focus on her. Don't sit next to her while your mind is caressing your manuscript.

2. Give yourself two hours and that's it. No more going back and forth, and no more OCD behaviors when it comes to your manuscript.

3. Turn off the computer when you're supposed to be spending time with her and your family. Seriously, TURN IT OFF. Unplug it. Lock it up. If you can't control yourself, at least don't allow the temptation.

4. If she still gives you a hard time and tells you you're spending way too much time with your "stupid dream" and not enough time with her, consider that she might be too needy and dependent on you, and seek couple counseling.

5. But do put some effort into working on having a balance between pursuing your dream and your family -- it is your life, the whole thing.

6. If she really doesn't care about your "dream" then there's nothing you can do about it. Forget it. You don't need her approval. But it doesn't mean you need to ruin your relationship because of that. Only you know what's best for you -- but seriously, there's no rule that says our spouse/partner must support and share our dreams. However, we do require some respect, and not distain and ridicule.

Good luck.

My ex-husband never ever supported my writing, he pissed and moaned about me writing when we could be spending time together...which basically was us watching television, usually something I didn't want to watch. Now keep in mind I have a laptop, so I was in the same room with him. He'd get pissed when I read too. So I would sit on a separate couch while he watched baseball or some other sport and pretend I was interested in it.

When I started submitting my manuscript I didn't even tell him for awhile. When I finally did, he laughed and said, "So when are you going to make me some money."

I'm glad he's my ex-husband. It was very discouraging.

My ex-boyfriend was like that - he pretty much laughed at me for wanting to write.

Unfortunately, it's a danger sign when a person who claims to love you doesn't respect your dreams and ambitions, I've found. It doesn't bode well for the relationship.

You are not alone. This is a fairly common problem:

http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=39894&highlight=spouse
[how supportive is your spouse/so?]

http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=39613&highlight=spouse
[your loved ones vs. your sanity]

http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=24453&highlight=spouse
[writing and spouse]

http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=14478&highlight=spouse
[sharing spouse/so and writing time]

http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=6825&highlight=spouse
[support from spouses]

And, some contrast if you were working together -

http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=42465
[(writing) spouses working together]

Judg said:

I am a little concerned by the fact that when your two hours are over, they're not really over, that you keep drifting back to the computer. Maybe she's feeling neglected and maybe, just maybe, that feeling is justified.

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This caught my attention also. Even if you're really only going back a couple of times, the problem is that she may feel like your attention is not really on her when you're with her, but on the manuscript. You're like a yo-yo bouncing back and forth, and she feels like she's not the one holding the end of the string. Personally, I like bouncing back and forth between writing and other things, but I have no significant other, so my habits don't affect other people as much. But my mom can certainly tell when I'm not really listening.

Think of it this way: your computer is the other woman. Even if you and the other woman are just friends, you know them intimately and are spending an awful lot of time together...

It's quite possible that she is being too needy though. Of course, the writing may not be the real problem, it may be the straw on the camels back. What's bothering her may not even be totally tangible to her at this point, but with a young kid on hand, I suspect she's very stressed. These are things that'll work themselves out, you guys just need to communicate and figure them out together.

Also, I'm guessing that you've probably only been together for a few years? Couples spend a lot of time together or focused on family at this stage, especially with a kid in the mix. But eventually, after being married for a few years, spouses usually seek out their own personal space and time. This'll probably happen naturally. No one wants to spend *all* their time together.

For now, try to stop the yo-yo effect. See if that resolves anything. If not, then she's being unreasonable--everyone is entitled to some personal time, and how you spend it should be up to you (long as it's not an affair ).