An inspiring children's song - please critique!

No offense, Guy, but this is not a children's song. The words are sophisticated, and the dynamics are too involved for children.

Haven't seen ya for a few days. Welcome back. I haven't been around as much, either.




Mike

Nice lyrics but, perhaps not quite aimed at little people Guy?

DreamWorks said:

Actually, I don't see why not. Certainly aimed for everyone, but doesn't it have a distinct "educational" tone about it?

Click to expand...

I was fine until you said 'educational'. We don't need no education. Everybody knows writing is so easy anyone can do it.

Food good,
fire hot,
must drag woman by hair,
Rick the Cromagnon Man

What about it isn't for children? It sounds fine to me. Or are you guys defining "children" as under 4 years old? I can say that my kids would have been fine with it. The songs they hated were the ones that talked down to them--showed lack of respect for their comprehension and vocabulary.

I'm not sure I'd call it "educational;" It's definitely on the verge of being didactic, and it certainly has a moral.

OK, here goes.

I like it. [There - does that satisfy you? ]

There are a couple of places that pull me up, that seem a bit awkward, though. In the second verse, second line, "Between good and not good advice" doesn't seem to scan right. I have a rhythm in my head established by the first verse, and this just doesn't fit it. Alternatives might be:

Between good and not so good advice
Between good and bad advice

In the chorus, "If you’re poor or you’re a star" is a bit too cliche' for my taste. If you could come up with something more surprising, it would be better.

Fourth verse, punctuation could be improved, like this:
How can I tell, if it’s good? Well,

Last verse, one line leaves me unenthusiastic:
Just like trying bread; if it tastes like lead

How would they know what lead tastes like? I don't. It's pretty obvious that lead is just here to rhyme with bread. You might want to try to improve this line. For example, "if it tastes like something dead," might get their attention, especially if it's at the end of the song like this.

I don't think it's too long.

What kind of music?

Oh, I did like it, Guy. Glisten and discern are the only words that jumped out at me and gave me pause. What age bracket are you aiming for?

I know that children are more sophisticated than when I grew up (internet, etc.). I wouldn't have recognized these words until I was at least twelve. I didn't mean to underestimate today's youth.

This is awkward:

Just like trying bread; if it tastes like lead
You should return it where it was bought

Maybe it's just me. Probably is.

Take care.




Mike

It is a lovely song, and yes little people are very smart

I suppose, i was trying to look at it from a writers perspective.

Glisten shouldn't be a problem, I would think. They might not know the meaning of discern, but I think it's obvious from the context,and it'll improve the little buggers' vocabulary.

I KNOW I'm a noob!
I LIKE it. It borders on rap but without hearing it, I can only go by the inherant rhythm. If it is rapesque, then it needs to be longer and drive to a point. Difficult to judge because of the lack of music. Do you have a link?