Begging for help

I posted a short script in the SYW form: http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=51629

I need help - I’m submitting this to a contest on 1/15, the requirements are for a 8-12 page short, although they say they will accept up to 15 pages. My first draft was 30 pages and I’ve cut it to 15 (14 ½) but I would really like to have it as close to 12 as possible.

The area where I think it can be improved is in the first 5 pages, I think they are slow and I’d really like to get the reader hooked and into the meat of the story quicker. I just don’t know how, I think I need everything I have there to set up the ending.

Let me know what you think – and if you read and comment I promise I’ll try and read something of yours when you post it.

Once again, thanks to all who reviewed my short, no one was overly hostile and I have some great ideas for revisions to make over the weekend.

Part of the problem with this was reducing it from the original 30 pages… a number of the suggestions for things that were lacking were actually in the first draft, I cut them to get the page count down and now I’m back to thinking that I need to add some more back in.

And Derek, even though you thought it had a “crap ending” I know where you’re coming from and you’ve given me a great idea for taking it one step further and depending on what happens in the contest I think I may write this into a feature.

Thanks all!

Thanks again for the help. I did get it cut down to 12 pages. What an exercise, from 30 to 12 pages. If you'd like to read the final revision that I submitted follow the link to the Share Your Work Forum.

http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=51629

Thank you everyone!