Sci-Fi script pages, unable to post in SYW

Hi Pansy,

hope you don't find my feedback overwhelmingly hostile.

I am not a pro writer, so, take any advice you find helpful and dump the rest.

Here are my knee jerk reactions as I read through.

How do we know Rainer is a bookworm?
When we are watching the screen how will we know he is a bookworm and say, not a computer geek? Or a science whiz?

If this is something that is VITAL to his character then you need to give us VISUAL clues. Does he have a stack of books next to him? What are they? And what kind? Sci-fi or Westerns? Fantasy or Historical?

Behind haystacks?
This confuses me. When I think of haystacks I think of the HUGE piles out in the fields, not inside barns. Do you perhaps mean hay bales?
(I've baled hay before, and worked in several barns so I think this qualifies me in this subject.)

Once inside the kitchen.
A collection of decoys........ uh, does what?
Why are you mentioning them? This seems like an unfinished thought.

Um, sorry, have to interject my personal experience here (see profile) but microscopes, rusty metal and punk rock posters a rough and tumble tomboy don't make.
NOW, show her going 5 rounds with some boys and you've nailed it.
I'm a firm believer in writing EXACTLY what you mean. If you say rough and tumble then by Jim she better be able to scrap.

There are several types of Tomboys. There are the don't mind bugs, frogs, and snakes kind. There are the sports Tomboys, there are the mechanic types, the hard labor types, and then there are the fighters. And of course combinations of any or all of the above.

The rock throwing was all right.

Not knowing where you are going with this story I would have to give you this advice for EVERY character. What do any of these things have to do with the STORY? How does each trait, and yes even posession, have to do with what happens in the story?

For example, if at some point in the story she HAS to use that microscope to solve a problem THEN it is VITAL to show it to us as part of her character makeup. Same with the hunks of metal, and the rocks.
IF however you are just trying to embellish her character or put something in the room then it ...
well, it's just not as powerful as it COULD be.

On the reverse, you've shown us a talent the kid has, a wicked arm and deadly accuracy. And there are aliens living down the road.
Hmm, is it at all possible that these two circumstances will collide with dramatic results?

"Rainer walks toward the barn as Elvia pops a few nails between her teeth, checks for loose boards. She finds one and slams a 16 penny nail home like a pro.

ELVIA
And stay down, son of a bitch."

That's better. Now you're really showing us some character.

It's getting late for me so I read straight through the rest of it.

Not bad. You've got me curious.
Took a slightly different turn then I'd thought which is good. I'm wondering what the aliens are up to and what they plan to do do with thier little project.

So, I would say for now just clarify your characters a bit and think about how the little details surrounding them could do more.

Hope I've been helpful.

I liked this. I may be inexperienced in critiquing, but as to the read and how it flows, I like it. Granted some of the dialect and dialogue is a little predictable, and maybe something you could work on, but the plot, the scene changes, the mysterious MP3 player interaction with Eliva were intriguing to me. Good luck.
Trish

pansy, have you tried accessing Share Your Work from the main AW menu? You should be promped for the vista password if you're not already "signed in." I'll leave this thread here until you reply.

-Derek

I posted a message in Tech Help forum, fingers crossed.

-Derek

The password thing protects it against webcrawlers and, since it's posted in a members-only forum, it's not considered published even though it's been put on the web (at least that's the theory).

Of course, someone can log in and steal someone else's work; my opinion is if they're so lazy and dishonest that they do that, then they're also too lazy to go through the process of getting something published. Still, it might happen from time to time, but I've never known of anyone who's had that problem.

Yes - what alleycat said.

Search engines won't index pages that are password-protected, so if somebody types in the title of your script or tries to find it on the web or just happens to be looking for a sci-fi script to rip off, yours won't come up in Google (at least not the AW SYW version.)

Also many members of this forum have stories in that section which they fully intend to submit for publication.

Why would an editor pay good money for a story when they can type the title etc. into google and get it for free? If a story is readily available on the world wide web, it is considered, in many publications, to have already been published and so they will not pay for it.

Hence the password protection...

pansy, Fahim suggests trying another browser (if you haven't already) e.g. Firefox if you're using Internet Explorer or vice versa, to perhaps narrow down the problem. Possible?

-Derek

Hmm, I'm having the same problem, usually I can get right in but today I cannot even enter the SYW section.

ETA: I tried on a different computer and it worked fine.

Yes, cookies come back when you visit the site, it helps to keep the cache clear. And mine was my laptop refuses to go into the share your work but my two desktops (one being my husbands) gets in just fine.

Just asking, have we had the chance to try alternative browsers yet? There's a "Get Firefox with Google Toolbar" button at the top of this page, if you don't already have Firefox installed. Satisfied users recommend it over IE. I'm just saying.

Also... have you tried signing out of AW, clearing your cookies, then signing back into AW again from scratch, making sure there are no cobwebs hanging around before you try to access SYW?

My laptop is my main machine these days, I'm seeing no errors, so you'll understand my reluctance to mess with what's working A-OK.

-Derek