jwehwfx
06-30-2003, 03:33 AM
I'm writing a historical fiction. Oddly enough it is the first script that I have a clear picture for every scene and yet can't think of a title or character names.
Anyway it takes you from the Creek War to the Trail of Tears. The first scene would be around the 1770 and it is the protaganist's family being massacred. The film then jumps to the 1810's when the boy is grown up. The particular scene has been down before but what's your take on my opening.
______
EXT. HOUSE -- DAY
A man, a woman, two boys (one teenager, one child) and a little girl are doing chores.
A sound of running horse can be heard. It is getting closer and still closer.
The man looks up from chopping wood. Several Creek warriors are riding toward the home.
The teenage boy runs up the porch steps and reaches inside the front door. He returns with two rifles and runs to his father.
FATHER
Put those away Jonathan.
JONATHAN
But father...
FATHER
(sternly)
Put them away. We don't know what they want.
Jonathan starts to walk back to the house. The Creek warriors are now sitting about 10 yards away. One has a bow in hand.
Jonathan's father walks to them slowly.
FATHER
Good morning gentlemen.
The Creek are all unresponsive. They didn't understand a word of the greeting. They simply look at him with fierce eyes.
FATHER
(still walking closer)
Is there something I can do for you?
The warrior with the bow quickly grabs an arrow from his quiver and strings it. The arrow strikes the man in the center of his chest.
Jonathan hears the commotion and turns. He sees his father falling to his knees. He tries to @#%$ one of the rifles. It's jammed.
Another warrior starts riding toward him with a tomahawk in hand. He gives out a warrior's cry.
Jonathan looks up and sees him coming. Panic takes over. His hands move quickly with the gun.
He gets it to unlock. He raises it and takes aim.
It's too late. The warrior is already upon him. An uppercut swing of the tomahawk kills Jonathan.
His mother screams and the sound attracts the warrior's attention. She is struck down by an arrow.
The young girl and boy are running across the field. The Creek on horseback follow and close the gap quickly. One throws a knife into the girl's back. Another catches up to the boy and strikes him in the head with a club.
A Creek that stayed by the house walks to the body of the father, knife in hand. He goes to his knee and picks up the head. He scalps the man and stands waving it as a trophy.
The warriors shout victory cheers and ride away.
Anyway it takes you from the Creek War to the Trail of Tears. The first scene would be around the 1770 and it is the protaganist's family being massacred. The film then jumps to the 1810's when the boy is grown up. The particular scene has been down before but what's your take on my opening.
______
EXT. HOUSE -- DAY
A man, a woman, two boys (one teenager, one child) and a little girl are doing chores.
A sound of running horse can be heard. It is getting closer and still closer.
The man looks up from chopping wood. Several Creek warriors are riding toward the home.
The teenage boy runs up the porch steps and reaches inside the front door. He returns with two rifles and runs to his father.
FATHER
Put those away Jonathan.
JONATHAN
But father...
FATHER
(sternly)
Put them away. We don't know what they want.
Jonathan starts to walk back to the house. The Creek warriors are now sitting about 10 yards away. One has a bow in hand.
Jonathan's father walks to them slowly.
FATHER
Good morning gentlemen.
The Creek are all unresponsive. They didn't understand a word of the greeting. They simply look at him with fierce eyes.
FATHER
(still walking closer)
Is there something I can do for you?
The warrior with the bow quickly grabs an arrow from his quiver and strings it. The arrow strikes the man in the center of his chest.
Jonathan hears the commotion and turns. He sees his father falling to his knees. He tries to @#%$ one of the rifles. It's jammed.
Another warrior starts riding toward him with a tomahawk in hand. He gives out a warrior's cry.
Jonathan looks up and sees him coming. Panic takes over. His hands move quickly with the gun.
He gets it to unlock. He raises it and takes aim.
It's too late. The warrior is already upon him. An uppercut swing of the tomahawk kills Jonathan.
His mother screams and the sound attracts the warrior's attention. She is struck down by an arrow.
The young girl and boy are running across the field. The Creek on horseback follow and close the gap quickly. One throws a knife into the girl's back. Another catches up to the boy and strikes him in the head with a club.
A Creek that stayed by the house walks to the body of the father, knife in hand. He goes to his knee and picks up the head. He scalps the man and stands waving it as a trophy.
The warriors shout victory cheers and ride away.