Scene description

[indeterminate x]

Sorry, if you're all growing tired of my newbie posts.

I was just curious if I was setting my scenes ok. I didn't know if I wasn't going into enough detail.

EXT. Pescados Soñolientos Motel - Day

The truck comes rolling into a gravel driveway in front of
the office of the Pescados Soñolientos Motel(Drowsy Fish
Motel). The sign has a large, turquoise fish on it. The
paint on the sign, and on the building is chipping away.
It’s possibly the trashiest, most miserable establishment
these men have ever seen.

The two men step out of the truck.

[dchapma123]

First of all, I think you're doing fine.

There are different schools of thought on how much description to use in screenplays. Some people think that because film is a visual medium, you should write scenes with a fair amount of visual language. Other people think that because a screenplay is meant to be produced, it's both boring and a waste of time to have to read through a lot of description ("It's not a novel!"). I side with the first camp. Unless you're writing a sitcom or a stage play, you need to write visually.

I think a good rule of thumb is to use the 1 page = 1 minute rule as a guide. When you're working on description, think about how many minutes (or seconds) you want the scene to last. If you want a two minute scene, but you only have one page, maybe you need more description. If you have three pages, it's possible you need to cut down on some of your description.

Here's another good guide. Even though you're not writing camera angles and such into your script, you can still direct the movie in your head. Imagine the scene you're working on. Will it begin with a close-up or a wide shot? If you're thinking of a wide shot, don't describe in as much detail. When a close-up comes to mind, pinpoint the subject of that close-up and describe it more.

I don't think you should worry about any of that stuff right now, though, especially if this is your first script. I think the most difficult part of writing is actually DOING the writing. Don't worry about making it perfect (it won't be--it's a first draft). All of your concerns are issues that can be addressed once you've finished a draft of your script. In my opinion, at least, it's easier to revise than it is to compose.

No worries.

--Dave

[hippocritamus]

I'm all about the economy of words in description and action. I would run with the last sentence in your block of description, give it a little spice and move on. I have been instructed time and time again about details, but I only get granular with details only to expose plot and character in descriptions or set up/plant something.

[JustinoIV]

"Other people think that because a screenplay is meant to be produced, it's both boring and a waste of time to have to read through a lot of description ("It's not a novel!"). I side with the first camp. Unless you're writing a sitcom or a stage play, you need to write visually."

You do need to write visually, however, too much description will lead the readers or producers to say that this is boring and reads like a novel. And reading like a novel is a major sin to Hollywood types.

Basically, they want to see you show action.

[dchapma123]

"Action" is the perfect word to use. It's much better to show something happening than something just existing.

Then again, being "like a novel" is not what makes it boring. The fact that it's BORING is what makes it boring. Like I said, the amount of description you uses plays a big part in the pacing of the read (more than dialog, in my opinion). If the scene feels loooooooooong when you read it, you're probably going into to much detail. But it's just as easy to use too little as too much. It's a delicate balance.

The other thing I forgot to say in my previous post is that you can alleviate some of that "boring description shot" by not throwing all of your description in at once. If you've got a lot to describe, and the detail is important, trying breaking up the description with dialog.

But I think JustinoIV's advice is right on. To tie in with that, which is more interesting to read?

"On the wall hangs a beautiful impressionist painting, mild blues and greens, framed in tarnished brass."

or

"Harvey walks over to the wall and punches a hole in an expensive looking impressionist painting. Blue and green paint falls in flakes from his fist."

The second one is longer, but it's more active (and suggests a close-up at the end).

[mammamaia]

...but any agent's or producer's reader would relegate it to the 'newbie' pile at first glance...here are some 'whys':

EXT. Pescados Soñolientos Motel - Day[slug line must be all-caps]

The truck comes rolling [the/it's 'a' truck, unless we've seen it before and have been following it here... -ing endings should next to never be used] into a gravel driveway in front of
the office of the Pescados Soñolientos Motel(Drowsy Fish
Motel). The sign has a large, turquoise fish on it. The
paint on the sign, and on the building [u]is chipping away.[this means the paint has hands and is chipping something]
It’s possibly the trashiest, most miserable establishment
these men have ever seen.[there are no men... yet... so how can they see anything?]

The two men [the... no caps for characters who seem to be introduced here... if they've been introduced before and this is not the first time they're seen, names must be used] step out of the truck.

the whole thing is way too wordy and not even well-enough worded for a novel... just too many words that don't do anything but get in the way... here's one way a more seasoned screenwriter might write this scene:

EXT. MOTEL - DAY

A truck rolls into a gravel driveway, stops in front of
a seedy office. A battered, faded sign proclaims, "PESCADOS SONOLIENTOS MOTEL" over a fish with eyes at half mast and its turquoise paint peeling off like the scales on a year-old carcass.

TWO MEN get out of the truck. It's clear they'd rather be anywhere else. They take in the rundown surroundings, trade disgusted shrugs and head for the office.

...that's just one way to clean up this bit of action... some of the major basics of good screenwriting had been overlooked in your version, as you can see... i'd strongly urge you to do more reading of good scripts... i can recommend a few and also some good books on the craft...

love and hugs, maia
maia3maia@hotmail.com

[Pantherine]

mammamaia,
Interesting.
What books and/or screenplays would you recommend?
I have 'The Screenwriter's Bible' in my Amazon cart. Is that a good place to start?

[AstralisLux]

Then again, being "like a novel" is not what makes it boring. The fact that it's BORING is what makes it boring.

Thank you! Novels aren't boring because they have more text. It's what's happening that makes a story exciting. It's how you use the words, not how many there are.

[Pantherine]

I just spoke with maia in chat and she told me she no longer posts here. She also told me to tell everyone here that she says 'HELLO,' So I am carrying the message!
Blessings all...
Pantherine

[AstralisLux]

Would you carry the message to her and have her add me to her MSN chat? astralislux@hotmail.com

Thanks!

[Pantherine]

Actually, she told me that she does not prefer to communicate through chat, but rather through the e-mail. You can drop her an e-mail, she tends to respond quickly.
HTH
Pantherine

[AstralisLux]

Thanks. I e-mailed her.