Is it just me...?

kristie911 · Nov 18, 2006

I'm reading a book (I won't mention what it is) by a first time author. I got it from the "library" at work and thought it looked interesting. Good story line, believable characters...but it seems the author fell short of his word count and decided to add some description to fill the count. Either that, or he's just really annoying.

For example, here's a passage I read last night...it made me put the book down:

He finished his speech and loosened his tie like a football player removing his helmet after the winning touchdown.

Is it just me, or would this description be better if it was toned down a bit? More like: He finished his speech, loosened his tie and smiled triumphantly. Or something similar?

Am I the only one that is annoyed by these overly flowerly passages? Or am I missing something in my writing. The book is littered with these...at least one or two a page. I find it very distracting!

Ol' Fashioned Girl · Nov 18, 2006

You're not wrong... but not exactly right, either. Probably because it's all a matter of personal taste.

I don't mind 'flowerly passages', but I do mind rotten cliches - which that seemed to be. I do like your version better in this instance.

Sean D. Schaffer · Nov 18, 2006

kristie911 said:
I'm reading a book (I won't mention what it is) by a first time author. I got it from the "library" at work and thought it looked interesting. Good story line, believable characters...but it seems the author fell short of his word count and decided to add some description to fill the count. Either that, or he's just really annoying.

For example, here's a passage I read last night...it made me put the book down:

He finished his speech and loosened his tie like a football player removing his helmet after the winning touchdown.

Is it just me, or would this description be better if it was toned down a bit? More like: He finished his speech, loosened his tie and smiled triumphantly. Or something similar?

....Snipped.

I don't think I would enjoy reading such a passage at all. I personally agree with you that the option you gave would be more acceptable.

But like others have pointed out, it really depends on individual reading tastes. What I like might not be what someone else will enjoy reading; nor is what I do not like necessarily something no one else will enjoy reading.

Bufty · Nov 18, 2006

Hope you have a good stack of books ready at hand.

Willowmound · Nov 18, 2006

kristie911 said:
For example, here's a passage I read last night...it made me put the book down:

He finished his speech and loosened his tie like a football player removing his helmet after the winning touchdown.

Is it just me, or would this description be better if it was toned down a bit? More like: He finished his speech, loosened his tie and smiled triumphantly. Or something similar?

Your verson would be a completely different motion, though. When I read 'like a football player removing his helmet', what I saw was a one-handed movement, fingers pointing down, palm turned upwards, removing the tie in one wrenching motion.

I might have cut out 'after the winning touchdown'.

EDIT: On second reading, I see he 'loosened' his tie this way. Well that's just wierd. OK, I agree with you now

TrainofThought · Nov 18, 2006

kristie911 said:
For example, here's a passage I read last night...it made me put the book down:

He finished his speech and loosened his tie like a football player removing his helmet after the winning touchdown.

Is it just me, or would this description be better if it was toned down a bit? More like: He finished his speech, loosened his tie and smiled triumphantly. Or something similar?

Am I the only one that is annoyed by these overly flowerly passages? Or am I missing something in my writing. The book is littered with these...at least one or two a page. I find it very distracting!

His description is off, but I like flowery passages. They are a relief from the mundane statements like the one you used. I tend to write flowery rather than use the same descriptions I read more often than I would like. It’s a personal preference and the way I write. Just my two cents.

bsolah · Nov 18, 2006

Flowery passages can be ok, as long as they're not clichéd. For me, they have to strike me as original and the comparison cannot be obvious. Murakami seems to do this particularly well without detracting from the story and just focusing on showing off his vocabulary.

Writing Jedi · Nov 18, 2006

kristie911 said:
He finished his speech and loosened his tie like a football player removing his helmet after the winning touchdown.
...
He finished his speech, loosened his tie and smiled triumphantly. Or something similar?

It sounds to me like this author was just trying to follow the rulebook. Someone probably told him, "Triumphantly is an adverb! That is telling not showing! SHOW us how he acted triumphant!" Thus, the football analogy was born. LOL. Poor guy.

Scrawler · Nov 18, 2006

kristie911 said:
He finished his speech and loosened his tie like a football player removing his helmet after the winning touchdown.

Now I keep seeing a guy removing his own head. Don't know why it strikes me that way..maybe because I don't watch football.
I probably would have written something like "dug his fingers into his tie and yanked it loose"-- but what can I say? You're got his book in your hand and not mine!

Cassiopeia · Nov 18, 2006

kristie911 said:
I'm reading a book (I won't mention what it is) by a first time author. I got it from the "library" at work and thought it looked interesting. Good story line, believable characters...but it seems the author fell short of his word count and decided to add some description to fill the count. Either that, or he's just really annoying.

For example, here's a passage I read last night...it made me put the book down:

He finished his speech and loosened his tie like a football player removing his helmet after the winning touchdown.

Is it just me, or would this description be better if it was toned down a bit? More like: He finished his speech, loosened his tie and smiled triumphantly. Or something similar?

Am I the only one that is annoyed by these overly flowerly passages? Or am I missing something in my writing. The book is littered with these...at least one or two a page. I find it very distracting!

I would wonder at who this author's target audience is. With a description like that I am assuming it is a sport loving male audience

C.bronco · Nov 18, 2006

I like getting to the point, but that's just me. I skim over bountiful description to get back to the plot. I'm not the biggest fan of literary fiction either.

WriterInChains · Nov 18, 2006

If it says something about his character, I'd be OK with it. But if it's the only sports reference and neither the tie-remover nor the narrator are/were jocks (or fans), it would yank me out of the story -- I'd start wondering how it got in there. But, I love well-done "flowery" -- whether it's in a steamy romance or something literary. It's all a matter of taste.

And, like Scrawler said, his book is published and mine isn't so he did something right that I haven't (yet). Now I want to know what book you're talking about. :ROFL:

blacbird · Nov 18, 2006

This example may say as much about the current state of editing in the publishing world as it does about the current state of writing.

caw.

virtue_summer · Nov 18, 2006

Have you read "On Writing"? Stephen King mentions this very thing. It's about similies and metaphors and how sometimes people get carried away. I think the example he gives is from a book he read where the author claimed the character waited for the coroner "as patiently as a man waiting for a ham sandwich." Now that's even worse than the one you gave. Seriously, similies and metaphors work if done right, if the connection is strong and the comparison clarifies the situation rather than causing confusion. The problem is that a lot of writers don't manage to do this. Instead they jar the reader with similies like the one given.

PeeDee · Nov 18, 2006

virtue_summer said:
Have you read "On Writing"? Stephen King mentions this very thing. It's about similies and metaphors and how sometimes people get carried away. I think the example he gives is from a book he read where the author claimed the character waited for the coroner "as patiently as a man waiting for a ham sandwich." Now that's even worse than the one you gave. Seriously, similies and metaphors work if done right, if the connection is strong and the comparison clarifies the situation rather than causing confusion. The problem is that a lot of writers don't manage to do this. Instead they jar the reader with similies like the one given.

TURKEY sandwich!

Gawd!

I've always thought that descriptions like that should, like dialogue tags, give you a quiet sense of motion without actually being very visible in the reader's mind. Like "said," it should just convey information without calling attention to itself.

Bufty · Nov 19, 2006

I just don't get this. What's up with some folks? It's one sentence in a book.To me there's nothing wrong with it. It's gone in a flash. If the story's fine I wouldn't even dwell on it.

The guy's got all dressed up to deliver a speech -he's delivered it, presumably successfully and loosened his tie. The writer has simply -and not to everybody's liking - picked a footballing metaphor to explain the relief and satisfaction.

PeeDee · Nov 19, 2006

I didn't say I'd stop reading. One wonky passage won't make me put the book down, not by a long shot.

Tracy · Nov 19, 2006

I didn't like it either. I think I'd find it jarring if I read it in context. And you say there's many such examples. Yipes!

So, to answer your question, no it's not just you.

janetbellinger · Nov 19, 2006

I don't find it too flowery but I do find the connection rather between the tie and a football player taking off his helmet strange but then I don't know much about football or how a football player would remove his helmet after scoring the winning touchdown. I assume, without having ever witnessed it, he'd snatch the helmet off his head and throw it on the ground, with some force. How do you loosen your tie in that manner? I assume you'd do it with some force but it brings in mind a person who was under some stress rather than a triumphant gesture. Did the guy yank on his tie to loosen it? Did he choke himself in the process? I don't think the simile works very well.

kristie911 said:
I'm reading a book (I won't mention what it is) by a first time author. I got it from the "library" at work and thought it looked interesting. Good story line, believable characters...but it seems the author fell short of his word count and decided to add some description to fill the count. Either that, or he's just really annoying.

For example, here's a passage I read last night...it made me put the book down:

He finished his speech and loosened his tie like a football player removing his helmet after the winning touchdown.

Is it just me, or would this description be better if it was toned down a bit? More like: He finished his speech, loosened his tie and smiled triumphantly. Or something similar?

Am I the only one that is annoyed by these overly flowerly passages? Or am I missing something in my writing. The book is littered with these...at least one or two a page. I find it very distracting!

Cassiopeia · Nov 19, 2006

PeeDee said:
I didn't say I'd stop reading. One wonky passage won't make me put the book down, not by a long shot.

love the new avatar

I agree with you...one sentence should be able to add to the ambiance and then we move on.

virtue_summer · Nov 19, 2006

You're right PeeDee. I just checked. It is a turkey sandwich. Well, whatever kind of lunchmeat is used, I have to agree with King that the similie is pretty awful.

jpserra · Nov 19, 2006

To all of you who've just commented without it, I would read the book!

John Serra

p.s. It's not mine!

kristie911 · Nov 19, 2006

The problem is, I just gave one example of a passage that yanked me out of the story. The book is literally filled with them. At least one of these per page. It's really hard to get into the story when I'm constantly wondering where the heck the author came up with that or if it's supposed to mean something that I'm not seeing. It's confusing and jarring to read.

Of course, he's published and I'm not...so what do I know?

And for those wondering...it's not a well-known author or anything, and I didn't buy the book. I borrowed it.

BruceJ · Nov 19, 2006

kristie911,

I have to mostly agree with you. I don't mind the simile itself, so much, especially if it fits the overall genre and writing style. I've seen descriptions stick out like this, though, when they're the only one of their kind in the book. They kind of trip me. I think, after engaging in the art of writing myself, I'm a little more critical when I come across what I consider to be groping for flowery descriptions than I used to be. That probably says more about me than it does about the writer of the passage, though. It's easy to overdo these things, which is probably why they're so easy to parody, like Garrison Keilor does with the Mike Hammer style with his Guy Noir series.

Having said that, I should probably go back to my own manuscript with a more critical eye. ;-)

anodyne · Nov 19, 2006

janetbellinger said:
I don't find it too flowery but I do find the connection rather between the tie and a football player taking off his helmet strange but then I don't know much about football or how a football player would remove his helmet after scoring the winning touchdown. I assume, without having ever witnessed it, he'd snatch the helmet off his head and throw it on the ground, with some force. How do you loosen your tie in that manner? I assume you'd do it with some force but it brings in mind a person who was under some stress rather than a triumphant gesture. Did the guy yank on his tie to loosen it? Did he choke himself in the process? I don't think the simile works very well.

I think it was intended to convey violent exultation.

It's a little clumsy, but if all of the other descriptions are in the same vein, I think it would depend on how the author carried it off. Does it work for the character/narrator? Does it build characterization? I'm willing to put up with a lot of mistakes if the story is interesting. Actually, I'm an atypical reader, I'll put up with a lot of mistakes if the story is mediocre.

I was really upset when one of my favorite authors published a few books in succession that were badly copy-edited, if at all. I still read the author, even if I mark in red in her books.

Is it just me...?

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