Me and my script

[DoubleIT]

I will be posting about my script a lot in here... as a way to get help and a forum to get some thoughts and ideas out. It will be a second home for my script. A bit about myself;

I am a little more than half way through my first screen play. Ive been writing shorts and the like for years, but never really learned all the fine rules and techniques. Last summer I got into and this semester I am taking a script writing course. I have read "Making a Good Script Great" by Linda Seger and "Writing Great Characters" by Michael Halperin (And I just ordered Segers book on characterization, which I hear is better)

I am a film major so I know a lot about making movies and a bit about the business. Its my passion so I read and learn about this stuff for fun, never seems like work. Because of this, I feel well suited to write a potentially successful screenplay. I know almost no first timers get optioned and even fewer are made into movies. But at the very least I think I can get some meetings. Even though this is my first screen play, I'm not new to this.

I am hoping to get some constructive criticism here. We do readings in every script writing class, and that does help a bit, at least to hear the scenes read by different people. But for the most part (There are a few exceptions)my class mates aren't that helpful in offering good ideas or solutions. The professor is great, but he only has so much time. My best friend at school is the only other person who shares a similar vision as I do, but I can get thoughts out better by writing them down. I hope that this board will give me another medium to explore my characters and script.

If nothing happens with this screen play I already have started outlining whats next. I love writing and film so I'm in this for the long haul.

The script is tentatively called "Pro-Tekt" (My WGA certificate came the other day, yay!). Here is the paragraph story synopsis:

When the president and family of the worlds’ largest oil company, KRK Oil, get taken hostage, the elite hostage rescue team at Pro-Tekt is sent into war torn Iraq to save them. Commander Leo Hartman soon finds himself in love with the presidents’ daughter, Aadab. After the father and brother are murdered the two realize there is a plot to exterminate the entire family. The cunning Sir Hamilton Powers has constructed an elaborate scheme to become president of KRK and take control of the worlds remaining oil. With both the father and brother killed, control of the company is in Aadab's hands. Hartman must get her out of the country, as rebel Iraqi militia and corrupt Pro-Tekt soldiers hunt them down. All the while, Hartman must struggle with the complexities of love and decide between the Iraqi he just met and the women he’s been married to for 15 years.

I plan on it being 120 pages, and I'm at page 62. Ill be writing all week and plan to be at page 80 by Sunday (I like to set goals).

I am curious if I am going about this in a sane manner. I try to get all the actions down on the first draft. There may be a few gems of dialog but for the most part I'm trugging through it. After writing for two hours to so I'll go back and rewrite the stuff from the beginning. Once I finally reach the end I am going to go back and rewrite again, only with a focus on dialog and discovering the characters. I have gotten pretty deep into my main characters head and I am working on the others.

For me, getting the actions down is a chore. I have all that outlined and know exactly what needs to happen, so nothing is that exciting. I've already had the great revelations, now its just getting them down. A lot of the stuff about the characters I dont know yet. Ill have those 'big idea' moments while writing and I just want to get to that stage. I cant help going back and rewriting, especially when I get bored... Perhaps that was more of a rant than a question, but I am very enthusiastic to write right now, which is exactly what I wanted this to do! Sorry this was so damn long, I'm a bit stoned. :smokin

[SimonSays]

Double -

I'm not really sure you'll get what you're looking for here. For one thing if you are posting isolated scenes - people will be critiquing in a vacuum - they won't be able to give you the type of feedback which will be most useful - structure, character development, theme, pace, etc. Novice writers often don't have the experince or the tools to evaluate a script in the way that you are looking for, as you have seen by the majority of your class.

You'll probably get a lot line edits and alot of different opinions based on what people like or don't like. Feedback based on taste usually leads to confusion more than anything else because one man's fruit is another man's candy. And generally speaking it is not very helpful.

But give it a whirl and see what happens.

As for how you are going about things, that's a matter of process. Every writer has their own creative process, and if it works for you to get your action down in the first draft - then that's what you should do.

There is no right or wrong as far as that goes. Do what works for you.

[DoubleIT]

Thanks for the words Simon. Thats a good point about being in a vacuum. Ill give it a whirl anyway. I know I'm going to want some feedback on the way I write action, so once those scenes are more polished Ill post them.

At the very least its good to have a 'distraction' thats about script writing.

[dpaterso]

DIT, interesting thoughts. Feel free to post your script pages any time.

Damn those cunning English knights! They're so hungry for power and corrupted with dreams of empire they'll stab you in the front.

-Derek
-----------------------My Web Page - naked women, bestial sex, and whopping big lies. (http://hometown.aol.co.uk/DPaterson57)

[Optimus Maximus]

If you have a REALLY thick skin and can take both constructive feedback and bullshit nonsense (but, you'll get more helpful advice than crap), then post your pages on Done Deal's Script Pages forum. (http://p068.ezboard.com/fdonedealfrm32) (up to 5 at a time. Start with the first 5 of your script)

I got a lot of really good help from posters there when I was first starting out.

Even Derek!

:p

[NikeeGoddess]

i think your biggest problem in the long haul is getting a meeting if your story involves Iraq. that's a red flag for many producers....unless your pitch about yourself involves being in the military, intelligence or secret service then you'll have a tough time convincing them that you know anything about Irag that you haven't only seen in the paper, tv, or other movies.

rewrite on!

[dpaterso]

i think your biggest problem in the long haul is getting a meeting if your story involves Iraq. that's a red flag for many producers
How dare you pre-empt our crit comments?! ;)

-Derek
-----------------------My Web Page - naked women, bestial sex, and whopping big lies. (http://hometown.aol.co.uk/DPaterson57)

[DoubleIT]

Optimus Maximus - Ill give that a go, thanks.

NikeeGoddess - That is actually something I am trying to figure out now. I have not decided how I want to handle the Iraq issue. My interest does not lie in politics and I dont want this to be a political piece. But setting it in Iraq, with a major oil crisis, I assume I have to at least touch upon it.

What I would rather explore is how similar we are to the Iraqi people. In the end the basic emotions of love and happiness are universal, which is what the main character is searching for, and he finds in the Iraqi women.

My professor thinks its a great idea to set it in Iraq, since the issue is somewhat 'hot'. Of course if the movie somehow got made it wouldnt be out for almost two years. But it doesnt HAVE to take place in Iraq. It can still be about oil, love, happiness, and an elite hostage rescue team and not take place in Iraq.

Id love to hear some thoughts on this issue.

[scripter1]

Welcome to the boards. I do think you will find some help and growth here, I think it's a good board.

Sounds like you're off to a good start with you first script. It's an idea that has many working elements.

Still, I do have a few preemptive comments. Sorry D.

I agree with Nikee, you'll need to REALLY make sure you know your stuff. Do some serious research, most of it talking to soldiers and military personnel. Not all of it will be in your movie or part of the story but it will show in your writing. It will give you ideas.
Mention to people that you are working on a movie and many of them will be more then happy to talk to you.

Something in your synopsis bothered me. It was the part about him choosing between his wife of 15 years and the new girl. This always bugs me because it turns my sympathies away from the man. He becomes a cheater, someone who has broken the most sacred and personal of trusts. It's hard to feel sympathetic to someone who will turn away from 15 years just for a cute piece of tail.

NOW, having said that, yes it does happen, and yes it is a flaw, and yes it may have a valid place in your story.
People fall in love with, (or BELIEVE they love) each other when they have gone through a traumatic experience.
So it would be natural for him to have some feelings for the young woman. But to walk away from his marriage?

My whole point, think this part over carefully and work hard to set it up well. If he chooses to go with the young woman it has to be for a DARN good reason. His wife needs to turn on him in some way, or let him go willing, otherwise a large portion of your audience will end up hating him and the girl.
Audiences can be very fickle about this.
Remember how people reacted to the love affair in that Russell Crowe/Meg Ryan flop?

You can't always write for the audience though, you have to write for the story. I'm just saying that something like this may have to be worked over a few times and you'll get lots of opinions and advice on it.
BUT, eventually if you work on it you'll get a strong version that adds to and supports your main story.

Do post your pages at Donedeal and then brace for impact.

And happy writing!!

[Writing Again]

Some subjects should be avoided just because people do tend to make quick judgments based on too little information. This is an instant conclusion many people will come too:

It's hard to feel sympathetic to someone who will turn away from 15 years just for a cute piece of tail.

True, it is an assumption that may not be valid.

Would the reaction be the same if it were a woman who was torn between her husband and a new man, or would the assumption be that her husband was a browbeating jerk who should have been left years ago?

I know married couples where neither my wife nor I were ever able to figure out why either one of them stayed with the other -- Unless it was because they feared no one else would have them.

Frankly, I think I'd be careful about including that element. Not saying "Don't do it" just saying "Be sure that is what you want to deal with."

[DoubleIT]

I have already thought through the love story angle and the main character will be totally justified in doing what he does. The way i want to set it up the audience will be rooting for the main character and happy that he finally finds true love. The audience will not hate the wife in the end, but they will agree with the main character. He will struggle with his choice for the majority of the movie, until a major turning point and self realization allows him to change and be open to discovering true love.

How should I go about finding military personal to interview? Can I do it through email or should I try and setup a physical interview? There is also a big muslim population near my school that I could use as a resource for learning about their way of life. What sort of questions should I ask them? Any tips for this would be great.

[NikeeGoddess]

my suggestion....forgetaboutit or put it on hold. it's too big an undertaking for a first script. save it for later when you're more experienced.

ever hear of that term, "write what you know"? there's a reason for that. work smarter, not harder!

write on!

[DoubleIT]

Why do you think I should forget about it? While the story follows this elite hostage rescue team, thats not what its really about. I know a bit about military "stuff" (Years of TLC/Discovery Chanel/History Chanel,hehe) and its not that hard to research it online. The true story is in the characters and their relationships, something that I know. The Iraqi part is just a 'backdrop' to tell the deeper story.

I plan on finishing this script, at the very least a first draft. If at that point I dont think I can do it, ill shelf it and come back to it some other day. But I think it might turn out to be a good screen play.

[DoubleIT]

Ok, I cant register on DoneDeals forums (I HATE ezboard... you guys all need to swtich over to VB or even PHPBB, but thats another post...) So I guess Ill post my first five pages here and see if you guys have any sugestions. Im hoping for sugestions on writing good action.... I exported this from Final Draft as HTML but the formatting isnt that great pasted in here, but its readable.

EDIT: I have made some changes, here is the new copy.
Edit 2: More changes

FADE IN:



EXT. DESERT CITY - NIGHT

Three buildings tower in the background. Overshadowing them
all is a tall HEAD QUARTERS building. Bright, busy, alive.
Gun shots and explosions echo through the night. The heros,
ALPHA SQUAD, are on top of...



EXT. ROOF - CONTINUOUS

The five man team is gathered on the roof in full combat
fatigues. Machine guns strapped to their backs. High tech
gadgets adorn their uniforms. All wear Combat Assist Heads Up
Display Helmets.

Determined, dedicated, COMMANDER HARTMAN, 33, pears over the
edge of the building. Six tall stories. EDISON, 30, and BECK,
35, join him.

BECK
Better than that time in Malaysia.

HARTMAN
Yeah, having rope is nice.

EDISON
And bullets.

They attach their ropes to the side railing and jump over the
edge. The three man team repels down.

CRACKY, 28, and HOLLYWOOD, a 25 year old thrill seaker, hold
their position on the roof. Cracky takes out a PDA and hits a
button.

A FIRE ALARM goes off inside. Red lights flash and the sound
pierces through the night.



EXT. SIDE OF BUILDING - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

All three repelers kick hard off the side of the building and
crash feet first into a large fourth story window.
Their steel toe boots shatter the glass instantly. They swing
into...



INT. 4TH STORY ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Hartman, Edison, Beck and shards of glass fly into the small,
dark room. The flashing red light is the only source of
illumination. Hartman clicks on his radio.

HARTMAN
Kill the alarm.

Silence.



INT. HOSTAGE ROOM - NIGHT

Terrified. Two well dressed MALE HOSTAGES tied to chairs,
facing the wall. Their three captors pace around.
Anticipation. HOSTAGE 1 coughs. TERRORIST 1 swings around and
looks him in the eye.

TERRORIST 1
No sound.



EXT. ROOF - NIGHT

Cracky attaches an antenna to his PDA. He types quickly,
TWITCHING slightly as he works.



INT. 4TH STORY ROOM - NIGHT

The three Alpha Squad walk to the door. Hartman pauses.
Instinct. His finger run along the crack of the door. They
stop on a thin piece of wire. Trip wire. Deadly explosives
hide in the darkness. He removes a SMALL TOOL from his pocket
and cuts the wire. Now safe, they proceed out.



EXT. ROOF - NIGHT

The image on the small computer screen reads " File Location
Complete. Download documents?" Cracky hits a button. A
LOADING BAR comes up as the file downloads.

Hollywood waits by a door.



INT. HALLYWAY - NIGHT

A sterile hallway. Hartman points to Beck then down the hall.
He nods and follows his point. Hartman looks at Edison then
points to the cieling. They act as one.



EXT. ROOF - NIGHT

The loading bar reads '100% Done'. Cracky clicks on his radio

CRACKY
Ready on the roof.

His eyes twitch.



INT. CIELING DUCT - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

Edison pulls himself up into the pitch black cieling ducts.
The light on his helmet flickers on. He alligator crawls
through the metal duct. Stealth, silence.



INT. HALLYWAY - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

Hartman places small explosives on the hinges of the door.



INT. END OF HALLWAY - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

Beck places similar explosives on his door and moves toward
Hartman.



INT. CIELING DUCT - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

Edison pulls up a cieling tile just enough to reveal the
hostages and solders directly below. The tile suddenly slips
out of his hands and falls back into place. A light thud. He
takes a deep breath and cracks the tile open again. The men
below didn't notice.



INT. HALLYWAY - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

Hartman taps two buttons on what looks like a wrist watch.
BEEP BEEP BEEP. BOOM! The door explodes into the room, debris
flies everywhere. At the same time...



EXT. ROOF - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

Hollywood steps away from the door just as - BOOM! It
explodes open. As the debris settles he rushes down the
stairs.



INT. CIELING DUCT - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

Edison removes the tile and jumps down from the cieling on
top of TERRORIST 2.



INT. HOSTAGE ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Hartman and Beck enter the room in 1+1 formation, guns drawn.

HARTMAN
EVERYONE DOWN. NOW!

Edison and Terrorist 2 tumble to the ground. Beck sticks his
gun in throat of Terrorist 2. Not a chance. Hartman's helmet
flashlight shines through the falling dust, illuminating the
face of Terrorist 1.

TERRORIST 3 grabs the laptop and throws. It flies through the
room and crashes out the fourth story window. Hartman's arm
darts to the terrorists neck, gun to his back.
He throws him to the ground. Pieces of steel dust fly back up
into the air as he goes down.



INT. STAIRWELL - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

Hollywood races down the staircase and out the forth floor
door at the end of the hallway.



INT. HOSTAGE ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Hartman looks at the man he just threw to the ground and puts
him in handcuffs.

HARTMAN
You are in violation of the 2007
International Treaty of Peace. You
have the right to an International
Court hearing. If you waive that
right you will be prosecuted in the
United States under article 6 of
the ITP. Do you understand your
rights as I have read them to you?

The man submits to Hartman.

HARTMAN
(into radio)
Hollywood, the VIP isn't in here.
Get to that supply room, NOW!



INT. END OF HALLWAY - NIGHT

Hollywood runs down the hallway, past the hostage room, to a
door at the end. He slams into it. It crashes open to reveal
a small SUPPLY CLOSET.



INT. SUPPLY CLOSET - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

Tied up and gaged is the VIP HOSTAGE. Explosives are strapped
to him. A bright red LED display attached to his arm counts
down... 65...64....63

HOLLYWOOD
(into radio)
62 seconds til another explosion.

HARTMAN (V.O.)
Cracky, get your ass down there!



EXT. ROOF - NIGHT

Cracky is plugging away on the computer

CRACKY
Already on it, sir.

He hits some more keys.



INT. SUPPLY CLOSET - NIGHT

The LED continues to count down. 21...20...19. Hollywood
doesn't know what to do. The hostage screams and moans
through the gag.



EXT. ROOF - NIGHT

Cracky taps a final button and the computer beeps.



INT. SUPPLY CLOSET - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

The countdown reads 5..4...3... It goes black then reads
"@#%$ YOU". Hollywood lets out a sigh of relief.

CRACKY (V.O.)
Gotcha from the roof top.



INT. HOSTAGE ROOM - CONTINUOUS

HARTMAN
(into radio)
Objectives complete.

The side wall slides up and reveals a small command center. A
TECHIE sits at a desk in front of a computer. COMMANDER
TOMPSON walks into the hostage room.

COMMANDER TOMPSON
Nice work.

HARTMAN
Yes sir.

COMMANDER TOMPSON
That was our hardest course yet.

HARTMAN
Its all about the instinct.

[SimonSays]

Double IT

Write whatever you want to write about. You are learning the craft at the moment and should not be focusing on the spec script market or whether it's 'too big'. Write a story you really want to tell, and it sounds like you really want to tell this one.

As William Goldman so eloquenty put it - "in Hollywood no one knows anything."

Whether you can 'do it' or can't 'do it' you won't 'do it' in the first draft anyway. That's to be expected.

Just write,
Simon

[DoubleIT]

"Whether you can 'do it' or can't 'do it' you won't 'do it' in the first draft anyway. That's to be expected.

Just write,"

I totally agree. Even if this goes nowhere except under my bed as 'my first script' I have already learned so much from going through the process. It will make me even more prepared for my second screen play (Which is a lot more personal, marketable and easier to write... I just didnt come up with the idea until I was 40 pages into this one... and I need to at least finish this for my script writing class). I still want to make this script as perfect as I can.

[SimonSays]

Double IT

I'm not gonna give you a lot of feedback right now - I don't have a lot of time. But I do want to point out one thing.

You identify that this is set in a "training center" and then you say in the description after the terrorist 1st speaks, that they are all Pro-tek memberts in disguise.

If this is in fact a training mission I suggest you don't let the reader know right away. Take out that sentence and only identify the training center as a building.

Let the reader think it's real - it's more exciting that way - your heart doesn't necessarily go pitter patter if you know the guns are loaded with blanks. Plus you have the added benefit of giving the reader a twist early on when you reveal it's a training scenario.

You want as many twists as possible for the audience.

If this is a real mission - then you need to remove or rewrite the disguise line.

You also might want to consider giving a little more info about the main characters (i.e. physical description or punchy personality descriptions i.e. CRACKY, a human pitbull...

It's a little overwritten and needs to be tightened - but that's what rewrites are for. Many of the descriptions are generic, but you'll find your own style the more you write. Also 5 pages may be a little long for a sequence like this if it doesn't tie into the plot in some real way - especially since there is no real establishment of any of the characters in the scene.

Hope this helps,
Simon

[DoubleIT]

Simon - That helps a ton. Thanks a lot. I knew it was a bit long, ive already cut a page from it, and I think Ill try to get it down to 3.5 or 4 pages. It is in fact a training mission and I think you are totally write. Right after Hartman says "mission complete" the head commander walks in and says good job, so I guess both the reader and the viewer will realize it is a training mission after that.

I will work on tighting it up and giving some more description. I guess I just need to find that balance between giving enough info and not too much. Any sugestions on what to cut out?

Thanks again, your comments really helped.

[SimonSays]

Double IT -

If it's not clear that it was a training mission then make it clear - i.e. have the hostage and the terrorist high five each other afterward or whatever. Just clarify AFTER instead of during.

Good luck

[DoubleIT]

I edited my post with the script...

[dpaterso]

Simon seems to have covered just about everything, dammit! At the risk of repeating what's been said or what you may have already repaired:

Some character description would help me see these guys, including their ages, they could all be 18 for all I know.

The training vs. reality thing bugged me no end and killed drama stone dead. Major blip.

During training, one would usually try not to damage or cripple fellow soldiers playing the roles of terrorists, e.g. dropping out of air ducts to land on top of them.

Re the countdown stopping on ONE -- argh! This made things a little too cartoony for me.

Trivial, (O.S. Into radio) is a misnomer, you need (V.O.) which goes after the character's name, e.g. CRACKY (V.O.) not as a parenthetical on the next line. Voice Over tells your reader that the speaker is on the radio, on the phone or on TV. If you need distortion then (FILTERED) can be used instead tho' I'm told this has fallen out of favor, don't ask me why.

Hope it helps, good luck with it.

Good luck also with asking Muslims for info to use in an anti-terrorist film where Muslim terrorists get splatted. Consider arranging for a police or military escort so you at least escape with your life. Yes, yes, that's just a little joke. Maybe. I know it's something I wouldn't dream of doing, that's all.

-Derek
-----------------------My Web Page - naked women, bestial sex, and whopping big lies. (http://hometown.aol.co.uk/DPaterson57)

[DoubleIT]

I fixed the training thing and edited my post, so check that out. Thanks for the clarif on the VO/OS thing. I actually knew that and forgot to fix it so thanks for pointing it out.

I am going through right now and working on character descriptions.

Should I just get rid of the entire sequence with the VIP hostage? I thought it added a bit more, but I agree the coutndown to 1 is a bit corney.

Thanks!!

[DoubleIT]

Do you guys think I should just totally get rid of this into and not start with a training sequence at all? I could start with something with the wife and Hartman... maybe a party for Pro-Tekt and they have to end it short becaue they get called to a mission? I knew Id get too hung up on the begining so i just wrote somethign to get moving and figured id come back to it later. I didnt want to be stuck on the first five pages for an entire semester, so i just wrote and rewrote...

[SimonSays]

DIT

Do not get hung up on this stuff now. Keep going forward with your story.

There is certainly nothing wrong with starting with an action sequence - it is often better to start off running - especially in the action genre.

What will serve you best depends alot on your theme. There are an infinite amount of options for each and every moment in each an every script. If you let yourself get snared into debating these options you will never write a word.

The further you get into your story, the more alive your characters become, the more your story will let you know the best way to tell it.

[DoubleIT]

Changed it around again... Gotta go walk my dog :D

[dpaterso]

You could always halt the countdown at 007 like James Bond did. ;)

Or (and this is just a casual suggestion) have them fail to stop the countdown! That gives you a fallible team whose members are kicking themselves, and maybe looking to kick each other too. Later we'll be wondering if these guys can actually stop the bad guys, instead of thinking of them as Super Anti-Terrorist Force.

Should you write another opening? I dunno, these scenes could work just fine with the thrill factor upped (removing the training angle, making us think it's real) and are as good a way of introducing your heroes as any. What's the alternative? A teaser sequence with the bad guys, setting up or hinting at what's to come? Either could be effective, flip a coin. Easier to stick with what you have, methinks. Don't rewrite unless it's necessary, go with the flow, finish the darn story.

Shrug, my humble opinion. Use whatever you find useful and disregard the rest without a second thought.

-Derek
-----------------------My Web Page - naked women, bestial sex, and whopping big lies. (http://hometown.aol.co.uk/DPaterson57)

[DoubleIT]

K, as a few of you have said... Ill just keep writing. Check out the updated version that i edited though... i added some character stuff, made the training thing be a surprize and changed the countdown a bit (Although im not sure if that works).

[DoubleIT]

any thoughts on the updated intro?

[scripter1]

I could nit-pick these pages but that's not really going to help you out right now. The thing to do is keep on working and get the story down on the page. And you do need to write this one, if it's the story right now that is really on your mind. No pages or effort is ever wasted as long as you learn something from it.
You can come back later and clean it up, rework all the little things that will make it really kick butt.

I like starting with action. Don't change the opening scene right now.

Only this bothers me enough to mention it.

"HOLLYWOOD, a 25 year old thrill seaker," <misspelled

This will stay on the page. Meaning there is no way for it to be transfered to film and thus to the viewing audience.
You write this to direct the actor but Hollywood doesn't do anything thrilling right away.
He stays there on the roof top.
SO, how are we in the audience able to learn that he is a thrill seeker?

The easiest way to fix this is to have one of the guys who goes over the side of the building be the thrill seeker.
Maybe he takes a run toward the edge, then does a double back flip with a half twist off the side.
That SHOWS us his character.

Also, the guy who jumps onto the Fake terrorist, maybe his flaw is that he's the overzealous rookie, too wound up?
So when the training season is over the terrorist gets up limping and says something like "You jump on me again I'm gonna bust your A$$ back to private."
Just a thought.

Now, far as doing research.
You could probably find some generic stuff on the web. Just type in what ever you can think of and see where it takes you.
Also you need to read spy and war books, and also other scripts that are similar to yours.

Then start building friendships with military people or policemen. There are thousands of them in every city so someone you know is bound to know someone.
Talk it around a little and see who you can come up with.
Then just give em a buzz and say "This what I'm working on and I wondered if you could provide some info for me or know someone who could answer some questions."

What happened when you tried to log on to done deal?

[dpaterso]

DIT, a couple of trivial thoughts on your Edit 2 version, scribbled over breakfast so pardon any toast crumbs. Use whatever comments/suggestions you happen to find useful, and ignore the rest without a second thought. I am not a professional screenwriter.

EXT. DESERT CITY - NIGHT

This slugline made me see Las Vegas. If it's somewhere in Iraq, or wherever, say so.

Three buildings tower in the background. Overshadowing them
all is a tall HEAD QUARTERS building. Bright, busy, alive.
Gun shots and explosions echo through the night. The heros,
ALPHA SQUAD, are on top of...

This description made me see skyscrapers, and an even bigger skyscraper looming over the smaller ones. Then the next scene says "six tall stories" which shot this mental image to pieces. May need some clarity, "tower" and "overshadow" may be too "big" when applied to buildings this size. / I'm not sure how I'd know the taller building is a "HEAD QUARTERS" -- in a city, who's to know what building serves which function? If it's someone's H.Q. I'd maybe expect guards and searchlights on the roof, thus identifying the building. Shrug, random thoughts, which are maybe prompted by a wish for what you're telling me to match up with what you're showing me.

I'm not sure whether your "heroes" sentence belongs here or in the next scene. Here it has no context, as you haven't introduced Alpha Squad yet. And I don't know which rooftop they're on. Presumably the H.Q.? Or how they got up there. Helicopter drop? Parachutes? Hang gliders? This could be the exciting opening sequence you're missing -- armed guards patrol the roof, they glance up, WHAP! Five hang gliders swoop in out of the night and Hartman's team lands running, ready to rock and roll.

Determined, dedicated, COMMANDER HARTMAN, 33, pears over the
edge of the building. Six tall stories. EDISON, 30, and BECK,
35, join him.

It's nice to see character description appearing but, how can Hartman show us he's determined and dedicated? Those attributes are hard to see. Just for fun's sake, compare with "JIM HARTMAN, 33, a tough professional soldier, peers over the rooftop edge." That tells us what he is in real terms, and also implies he's determined and dedicated.

BECK
Better than that time in Malaysia.

HARTMAN
Yeah, having rope is nice.

EDISON
And bullets.

This dialogue says these guys are unprofessional -- or, it strongly suggests this isn't a real mission, which has no room for casual banter. You ever watch PREDATOR? Arnie's team are all banter and jokes on their way to the rebel camp in the jungle. Once they get there? It's all hand signals and head motions, not a wasted word -- not only do they appear professional but this also ramps up tension levels because we know by their silence that they're about to go into combat. I appreciate you want to show your team's experiences with reference to a past mission in Malaysia, but timing seems wrong. Or, maybe here's the place to show Hartman is determined and dedicated, e.g.

BECK
Hey Edison, you remember Malaysia?

EDISON
Do I. At least we got ropes this time.

BECK
And bullets.

HARTMAN
Clock's ticking. Let's move.

They attach their ropes to the side railing and jump over the
edge. The three man team repels down.

One moment it's a five-man team, the next it's a three-man team. You're confusing me!

CRACKY, 28, and HOLLYWOOD, a 25 year old thrill seaker, hold
their position on the roof. Cracky takes out a PDA and hits a
button.

Odd description -- how can I know Hollywood is a thrillseeker? Consider contrasting the two characters in real terms, e.g. "CRACKY, 28, calm and relaxed, and HOLLYWOOD, 25, gung-ho and alert, never stops moving." Shrug, just an idea, and I appreciate Cracky is the twitchy one. But what I'm thinking is that Hollywood ought to have gone over the roof edge with Hartman -- he's the first to throw himself over! That shows us he's the thrillseeker type, on a buzz throughout the mission. What I'm suggesting is that keeping the "thrillseeker" up on the roof doing guard duty seems like poor distribution of assets! "Two heat signatures patrolling the fourth floor hallway," says Cracky. "I got 'em!" says Hollywood, his knife clenched firmly between his teeth.

Hartman, Edison, Beck and shards of glass fly into the small,
dark room.

Beware unnecessary size descriptions, a small room can't have a large window. Or maybe it can, but not large enough for three grown men to swing in through simultaneously, so the extra adjective conflicts with previous adjective.

Hartman clicks on his radio.

HARTMAN
Kill the alarm.

Silence.

You could have written "HARTMAN (into radio)" and I'd know he's using his radio, the action is clearly implied without your having to include "Hartman clicks on his radio." / "Silence" is ambiguous -- do you mean the fire alarm shuts off, or that Hartman's radio isn't working?

Terrified. Two well dressed MALE HOSTAGES tied to chairs,
facing the wall. Their three captors pace around.

The room is terrified? / I'd maybe write the above as:

Two terrified MALE HOSTAGES in business suits are tied to chairs, facing a wall. Three armed TERRORISTS wearing Arab headgear pace around the room.

Anticipation. HOSTAGE 1 coughs. TERRORIST 1 swings around and
looks him in the eye.

"Anticipation" just seems to sit there on its own hoping a sentence comes along, just like "Terrified" in the previous paragraph. Seems like a "writing style" thing. It's not working. / If Hostage 1 is facing the wall, how is Terrorist 1 able to swing round and look him in the eye? Yes I'm being shamefully picky but you set up the choreography, now you're ignoring it. If you mean Hostage 1 glances back over his shoulder and meets Terrorist 1's cold stare, say so.

TERRORIST 1
No sound.

I'd be more impressed with Terrorist 1 if he put a finger to his lips instead of talking. ;)

Cracky attaches an antenna to his PDA. He types quickly,
TWITCHING slightly as he works.

I'm sure the twitch will be explained later but if I were Hollywood, I'd be asking him if he's okay! But what is Cracky doing, exactly? What does he download, from where, and what value is it to the team? See "no intel" comment below.

The three Alpha Squad walk to the door. Hartman pauses.
Instinct. His finger run along the crack of the door. They
stop on a thin piece of wire. Trip wire. Deadly explosives
hide in the darkness. He removes a SMALL TOOL from his pocket
and cuts the wire. Now safe, they proceed out.

I sense a tendency to describe what the audience can't see. Just for fun's sake:

Hartman creeps to the door, removes his helmet, presses his ear to the wood and listens. He runs a finger around the door frame, and stops when he finds

A GLEAMING SILVER WIRE

He takes WIRE CUTTERS from his belt and snips the wire. He opens the door a crack and peeks out. Opens it wider and exits. Edison and Beck follow.

Hartman looks at Edison then
points to the cieling. They act as one.

What does "They act as one" mean? What am I supposed to be seeing? They move under the ceiling duct, Hartman gives Edison a boost up?

I'm also wondering why the terrorists haven't posted guards in this hallway or anywhere else in the building. I know I would have. Big guards, with big guns. Instead, they stay in the one location and wait to be hit. This makes Hartman's victory appear too easy.

The loading bar reads '100% Done'. Cracky clicks on his radio

CRACKY
Ready on the roof.

As above, CRACKY (into radio) makes the action redundant. Shrug, just an idea.

Edison pulls himself up into the pitch black cieling ducts.
The light on his helmet flickers on. He alligator crawls
through the metal duct. Stealth, silence.

Betcha know what I'm gonna say about "Stealth, silence." What are the words doing here? They look lost.

Edison pulls up a cieling tile just enough to reveal the
hostages and solders directly below. The tile suddenly slips
out of his hands and falls back into place. A light thud. He
takes a deep breath and cracks the tile open again. The men
below didn't notice.

This is kinda low tech, I expected an infra red scan or a hair-thin optic fiber camera probe or similar. We just don't know how Edison knows the hostages and terrorists are right below him, we've received no intel on this. Just as an idea, maybe you should show Cracky downloading building schematics or similar, or a complex scan from an orbital satellite showing the positions (heat blooms) of everyone in the building? / The terrorists' not noticing the ceiling tile noise is rather convenient. Rather than being ramped up, tension slips a notch because the terrorists appear dumber and less dangerous. Hence my tech penetration/intel suggestion.

Hollywood steps away from the door just as - BOOM! It
explodes open. As the debris settles he rushes down the
stairs.

I didn't get this, Hollywood blows the rooftop door too? I didn't see him setting explosive charges, he just "waited by the door."

Hartman and Beck enter the room in 1+1 formation, guns drawn.

Pausing to detail "enter the room in 1+1 formation" is less dramatic than "leap in through the smoke and dust, guns ready"

Edison and Terrorist 2 tumble to the ground. Beck sticks his
gun in throat of Terrorist 2. Not a chance.

Does "Not a chance" mean "Terrorist 2 holds up his hands in surrender"?

Hartman's helmet
flashlight shines through the falling dust, illuminating the
face of Terrorist 1.

What is Terrorist 1's face doing, if anything? What is Terrorist 1's body doing while his face gets illuminated?

TERRORIST 3 grabs the laptop and throws.

What laptop? Should we have learned the significance of this earlier? What does it control, or what vital info does it contain? No one seems to care about what it does! And, it has to be said, this must be one hell of a heavy machine -- either that or the window glass is very thin!

Hartman's pausing to read a captured terrorist his rights when, for all he knows, the terrorist is wearing ten pounds of Semtex in his undies and only has to shake his manhood to set it off -- and the building hasn't been secured, and a dozen things can still go horribly wrong -- seems like awful timing. And, terrorist rights seem to take priority over how the hostages are doing. Were they injured or concussed by the blast? Is one of the hostages a terrorist in disguise with a grenade in his pocket? See "failed the test" comment below.

The LED continues to count down. 21...20...19. Hollywood
doesn't know what to do. The hostage screams and moans
through the gag.

Just as an idea, consider having Hollywood stand by with a pair of wire cutters and tell Hartman he's gonna cut every damn wire he can see once the countdown reaches 3. Better a one-in-a-thousand chance than waiting passively for death! Consider also making the hostage a beautiful woman! Now it's absolutely imperative that Hollywood saves her! Both these would give Hollywood something to do, rather than forcing him to stand there like a dummy. Also -- have him remove the hostage's gag! Can he/she tell him anything about the device? Supply further intel on the terrorists? Are there other bombs? If so, where?

HARTMAN
(into radio)
Objectives complete.

You failed the test, Commander! Secure the building, search for other terrorists and for secondary explosive charges, call in bomb disposal, and we need immediate medevac for the hostages. Meanwhile, Hollywood gives mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to the grateful female hostage... ;)

The side wall slides up and reveals a small command center. A
TECHIE sits at a desk in front of a computer.

Just a thought, "command center" implies there's desks and computers so describing same seems redundant. "The side wall slides up to reveal a command center manned by TECHNICIANS and COMMANDER TOMPSON." I'd also expect people to help the "terrorists" and "hostages" up and dust them off and apply Band-Aids, since the exercise is over. The world doesn't just stop.

COMMANDER TOMPSON
Nice work.

HARTMAN
Yes sir.

COMMANDER TOMPSON
That was our hardest course yet.

HARTMAN
Its all about the instinct.

To me this is on-the-nose dialogue, it's exactly what we might expect them to say to each other. That makes it, and them, less interesting. What might Tompson say to surprise Hartman? What might Hartman reply to impress Tompson even more? Just for fun's sake:

TOMPSON
You failed to capture the terrorist leader.

HARTMAN (into radio)
Hollywood, how are we doing?

INT. HOLLYWOOD'S LOCATION

The female hostage lies face-down on the floor as Hollywood handcuffs her.

HOLLYWOOD (into radio)
I'd say pretty good, sir. Raghead bitch secured.

Or not, shrug. Hope it helps in some way, good luck with it.

-Derek
-----------------------My Web Page - naked women, bestial sex, and whopping big lies. (http://hometown.aol.co.uk/DPaterson57)

[DoubleIT]

Wow. Dpaterso - thank you so much. Thats EXACTLY what I needed. I now understand how to write this action stuff, all i needed was to see it like that (Ive ready scripts with action, but having my words transformed is so much better).

With the words like "Silience." you were right, i was trying a style thing. I wasnt sure about it and I think now I will take them out.

Welp, back to working on the script!

[DoubleIT]

scripter1 - More great sugestions, thanks so much. I think i've lrearned more in three days on here than an entire semester script writing class :D

With Done Deal i signed up like 10 times and after submitting it would take me to a page with some mysql error on it (

Warning: Failed opening 'offer.php' for inclusion (include_path='.:/usr/share/pear') in /mnt/nn/html/coreg/index.php on line 3

)
. I never would get the conformation email but I regestering with the name i just made would error out saying that name is already taken - so i think i just need the confirm email.