does this tickly your funny bone.

[Vigorish9]

INT. STADIUM/SPORTS ANNOUNCER’S BOX - SAME

TV Sports announcer, BO STEVENS (30), a living Ken doll, with a smooth, condescending southern cadence, slips open a velvet ring box to reveal a solitaire engagement diamond.

4.

BO
When I get to one knee, I
* * * * want to be in frame and
* * * * on the Jumbo-tron. Got it?

A pudgy CAMERA MAN, (22) rolls his eyes.

* * * * * * * * CAMERA MAN
* * * * I got it the first ten times you told me.

* * * * * * * * BO
* * * * And….?

* * * * * * * * CAMERA MAN
* * * * Get the rock in the picture
* * * * and hold the money shot.

* * * * * * * * BO
* * * * Exactly. And for the record,
* * * * the reason I’m me, and you’re
* * * * still watching porn in your
* * * * mothers basement with a
* * * * sock over your pecker is
* * * * because I pay attention
* * * * to how things are done.
* * * * Comprende?

* * * * * * * * CAMERA MAN
* * * * Yeah.

* * * * * * * * BO
* * * * Then be on point.

He snaps the ring box shut.

[scripter1]

No Vig it doesn't.

It doesn't do anything except establish Bo as rude and crass.
If that is what you were going for then it's a fine start.
But funny, no.

Beavis and Butthead would find it funny because you said porn and pecker.

Do you ever write anything Vig that isn't crude?

And it's tickle, not tickly.

[kojled]

vig

tight, good rhythm in dialogue. good tension. not funny per se, but comedic. good energy, moves forward at every beat. clicks


zilla

[SimonSays]

Vig -

Comedy is so subjective - I mean there are many people who thought Pauly Shore was funny - so you really need to go with your own comic sensibilities.

The only thing that I would say in a big picture kinda way is that you never want to forego either character development or story for the sake of a laugh.

In this instance, my question would be whether or not it serves your story to expose Bo as such an ass so early on. He is proposing to what I assume is your female lead - do you want the audience to know he's a bonehead before they get engaged? That's a story call and only you have the answers to that.

[Edison Vandall]

Why does he have a sock over his pecker?

[kojled]

vig

disagree with ss. character should be established right off the bat. complexity in character takes time to delineate (duh) but general personality should be clear upfront. your scene does this (assuming it's char's first appearance) with style, efficiency, technique. sharp


z

[SimonSays]

Koj -

I usually agree with ya, but in this case - I don't think it's so cut and dried. Definitely depends on both the genre and story structure.

The Usual Suspects is a great example of not revealing a character's true character untill the very end. Obviously this is a different genre. But you can't say it wasn't effective.

Sometimes with ROM-COM it's better to set-up what appears to be a happy couple - then expose the character for the snake he/she is when it serves the story. You can set him up as vain and pompous from the get-go - but you don't have to blow your whole wad in the guy's first scene.

If Bo's outta there by page 18, that's one thing, but if he's still in the picture on page 94 that's another thing entirely.

As I said it depends on where the story goes - and Vig's the only one who knows that.

[Vigorish9]

some good thoughts. the genre is no doubt part of the reasoning. as i've come to know comedy, (romcoms) are better served if the characters have a specific mindset from the begining. a rooting interest for the audience and clearly defined roles.

bo is part of the script the entire way, antag.

in bo's first scene i wanted to show how he really is a jerk. a man who throughout the movie continually shows his colors by ridiculing and schemeing to get what he wants.

i can appeciate the subtleties of the decisions on when to reveal information and in the end your considerations are part of how us writers do rewrites.

as you remember, or not, in my version you critiqued, bo was nice, and even getting pointers from the camera man.

but, i felt it didn't serve the story. bo is what he is. i tried to convey that from scene, jump.

in contrast to that, the only time he's sweet is when he's with hayley. so, i'm choosing that rode, to allow the audience to understand why hayley may love him.

the complexities of writing are vast. i think i'm a student of hte craft and have a merit badge to prove it.

anyway, the rom com breaks alot of the rules of other dramas. it allows you to have that inner monolgoue put into someone's dialogue. also, i know it may seem strange for a writer to give pages up on the internet, and any repsect from real writers, but that's how i work. i really enjoy the rewrite and this is one of my devices i use to help my writing.

i get the six people who will go to my movie and i see what they like. my six degrees of separation theory, and i get to have people help me, help myself. i've found that having that extra person there, and their examples can start an entire new avenue for the script.

thanks for the comments, really, they are invaluable to me, as i am the mcgyver of screenwriting.

vig

[SimonSays]

Hey Vig -

Glad you found the feedback helpful.

Not sure I understand why you choose to post online, but if it works for you - more power to you.

I'll keep an eye out for your furture requests for feedback.

[William Haskins]

i think it can be a useful scene to establish character, and i think it works, with the caveat that bo's longer block of dialogue (jacking off in the basement) is too long and flabby.

if it packed more of punch through brevity, it'd flow nicely.

[Vigorish9]

so, haskins, what happens if i just dropped the other stuff and just have him end with

Exactly. So be on point.

i was trying to have the 'Be on point' line of dialogue be a theme. bo always says that, couple times in the movie, and in the end i have the protag say it to him for the ending.

the irony of it. be on point.

vig

[William Haskins]

i think there's an opportunity to have him say something in the spirit of what you have, but that particular block of dialogue just didn't do it for me.

the subtext, however, that bo has a high opinion of himself, is effective and it'd be worth it to find another way of conveying that.

[Vigorish9]

BO
Exactly. You see, the finer nuances,
the attention to detail is what makes
me who i am, and will become, from what
you are... and will always be. Taking direction
from guys like me. So, be on point.

how does that work?

[William Haskins]

still a little too unwieldy, in my opinion. just a rush job, but maybe something along the lines of:

BO
Exactly. Attention to detail is what makes
me who I am. And guys like me will always
tell guys like you what to do. So, be on point.

[kojled]

vig

agree with haskins - sock dialogue is loose (i would say jarring), but not by much. agree that in romcoms protag's personality must be established very quick - then aud follows them on their journey to change

in other genres it's flipped - see protag as more of a mystery up front then see their character revealed during ensuing events - like in usual suspects (comparing the two genres is not objective)


z

[SimonSays]

Koj -

Based on my reading of Vig's first few pages - I was under the impression that Bo was NOT the male lead - he was the female lead's beau going in - a romantic rival.

If he is the lead, I'd be in full agreement with you - regarding setting up his flaws from the get go. But as a romantic rival - who will not go through the growth process, I still think it's better not to blow your wad upfront - unless it is necessary for story purposes.

Vig -

I think the revisions need work but it's moving in the right direction - introducing Bo as pompous instead of an all out prick was really what I was getting at to begin with. Your first pass made him kinda hateable and since Hayley winds up engaged to the guy - you don't want the audience to think she's an idiot for being with him before they even know she's with him.

[kojled]

ss

yeah, if that's the case - your way is correct


z

[Vigorish9]

want to clairfy, bo is the antag, and the female leads husband to be.

also, the scene reveals character and a major part of the movie as it is the engagement scene.

vig

[scripter1]

She's going to be one really unhappy woman.

[Optimus Maximus]

Is there any other kind?

[sarajb]

Oh, that is telling.




Tonight, vig.

[Vigorish9]

i'll meet you at the statue, by the waterfountain. and bring your chapstick.

vig