Lets try this again - 5 first pages of my script

[DoubleIT]

The title is just a filler for now. Its the same thing i was working on before (the disaster thread) but its now totally restructered and such. Anyway, lemme know what you think.

Edited the new begining with a Gulfstream instead of a 747...

FADE IN:

EXT. O’HARE INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT - DAY

The jets of GulfStream G5 whine down as it approaches a set of portable stairs. Coming at it diagonally is JEFF, 20, good looking even in his stained blue jumpsuit, driving a small baggage car. Seated to his right is SAM, 22, a bit over weight with a round face. The wind from the engines blow against them as they near. Jeff pulls up to the baggage compartment and its door slowly rises.

He immediately scans the windows of the plane, and stops on one in the front. MADDY, a beautiful 25 year old blond, sits at the window, the plaid design of her Burberry shirt visible. Shes completely lost in something. The cargo door thuds to a stop but does nothing to break Jeffs trance.

SAM
How many times do I have to tell ya, Jeff?

Jeff, startled, comes to.

JEFF
What?

SAM
Gotta stop falling in love with every girl you see on an airplane. Especially one in a private jet.

JEFF
I just wonder who they are, where they’ve been. I wasn’t falling in love. Dick.

SAM
Their never as good as you make them out to be in your head.

Sam jumps into the belly of the plane and throws a bag at Jeff who throws it into the baggage car. They continue with this process bag after bag.

JEFF
Naw, I bet she’s amazing.

SAM
Well, you’ll never know. Might as well give it up.

Jeff looks back up to the window.

INT. AIRPLANE - CONTINUOUS

Maddy is seated at the window with her tray table down, working without looking up. Ten other PASSENGERS are already up getting their bags and exiting the plane. She pays no attention.

EXT. AIRPORT - CONTINUOUS

Sam throws Jeff a Burberry bag

SAM
I bet that's hers.

Jeff catches it, giving it a once over before throwing it in among the other ones.

JEFF
@#%$ you, Sam.

He laughs and continues unloading the bags.

INT. AIRPLANE - CONTINUOUS

The last person walks past Maddy. The plane is now empty and the CAPTAIN walks up to her.

CAPTAIN
Excuse me. Maddy? We have to get the plane ready for the next flight.

Maddy looks up

MADDY
One more minute, I'm on a roll.

The Captain looks down at her laptop screen. At the top of the page, in big letters reads AGAINST THE GRAIN which serves as the title screen. She types a few more words then closes the laptop and gets up. She smiles at the Captain and walks off the plane as the credits roll.

CAPTAIN
Writers...

EXT. AIRPORT - CONTINUOUS

Jeff and Sam watch her leave. Sam shakes his head and throws Jeff the last bag.

EXT. AIRPORT - CONTINUOUS

Jeff and Sam watch her leave. Sam shakes his head and throws Jeff the last bag.

INT. JEFFS APARTMENT - NIGHT

Jeff walks into his studio apartment. Bare minimum is an understatement. One small table, a chair, a TV and a refrigerator are the highlights. Jeff throws his keys onto the small table. The undsturdy legs wobble. He heads straight for the answering machine. The red LED light reads 1. He hits the LISTEN button and the computerized voice begins

ANWSERING MACHINE
You have one new message and no saved messages. First message. Friday, April 12th, 2004.

SARAH
Jeff, it’s your mom. Your father and I need some help with a few things. We’re expecting you after work.

He presses delete and heads for the fridge. The only contents are a box of baking soda and a 2 liter bottle of Coke, half empty. He takes a swig and throws it back inside then walks out the door.

EXT. HIGHWAY - LATER

Jeff drives down the highway in his 1989 Yugo hatchback, the ugly green color has faded into rust. A thick fog all around reduces the visibility to a few feet.

INT. JEFFS CAR - CONTINUOUS

He clicks on the radio but no sound comes out. He turns it off then back on again. Still nothing. A swift kick from his right foot finally brings the radio to life.

EXT. JEFFS CAR - CONTINUOUS

A red Porsche 911, top down and blond hair flying in the wind, zooms past Jeff. The fog parts as the car screams past.

INT. MADDYS CAR - CONTINUOUS

Maddy looks ahead with a bright smile, bobbing her head to the beat of the music. Jeff, now behind her, flashes his high beams. She pays no attention and reaches for her VOICE DICTATOR. It BEEPS to life, ready to record.

MADDY (INTO DICTATOR)
Ok, have it turn out that the professor has been behind the entire thing. She confronts him... And then. Then they end up falling in love!

She throws the dictator back on the seat and picks up her cell phone.

MADDY
Daddy! I got the ending for my book! I’m on my way home.

She clicks off the phone and throws it next to the dictator. She slams on her breaks and jerks the steering wheel to the right, nearly missing her exit. Jeff continues down the highway.

INT. JEFFS CAR - CONTINUOUS

JEFF
@#%$ spoiled bitches.

The thick fog has returned. His rear view mirror is broken and slanted toward him. He glances at his reflection, and watches his lips move as he talks to himself.

JEFF

You gotta tell em. Today. Now.

He wipes some dirt from his face. Bright blue lights penetrate through the fog and illuminate the cabin. Jeff pushes the mirror up so he can see behind him. A POLICE CAR, as expected, blues flashing in the fog. He lets go of the mirror, it falls back into place, and he pulls the car to the side of the road.

EXT. JEFFS CAR - CONTINUOUS

The POLICE OFFICER exits his car, right hand on his holster, left hand carrying a huge flash light and approaches Jeff. He taps on his window with the light, then shines it in his face. Jeff points at the passenger door. The cop taps harder on the window.

JEFF (YELLING)

The door and window dont open! Go to the other side.

He tries to show this action with his hands, but the officer is unable to translate. Instead, he slams the flash light through the window. Glass lands all over Jeff.

OFFICER
License and registration

JEFF
What? You just...

OFFICER
Licence. And registration. Now.

Jeff reaches for his glove box, but before he even makes contact with the handle...

OFFICER (CONT’D)
PUT YOUR HANDS UP! NOW!

Jeffs hand goes limp and he turns around to look at the officer.

JEFF
Sir, I was just.

OFFICER
You were just putting your mother @#%$ hands UP.

Jeff tries to put his hands up, but the roof isn’t high enough.

OFFICER (CONT’D)
Don’t you mock me. Get out of the car.

JEFF
I cant get out this side.

He tries opening the door, it doesn’t budge. The officer shines the light on his face, studies him for a moment.

JEFF
I’m sorry, sir.

He gets out through the broken window, scratching his arms and legs as he goes. A few pieces of glass shatter on the ground as he exits. The Officer looks down at it then takes out a ticket book and starts writing on it.

OFFICER
This is a ticket

He rips the ticket off the pad and hands it to him

OFFICER (CONT’D)
For littering.

He smirks and turns around toward his car. Jeff puts it in his pocket then gets in the passenger door of his car.

INT. JEFFS CAR - CONTINUOUS

He climbs over the shifter into the drivers seat, puts the car in gear, and drives off.

[Dew Fuzz]

DoubleIT -

Forgive me for not giving a detailed analysis, but this is what I'm noticing with a first-read:

1. "EXT. AIRPORT - DAY"

Since you are specific about what airport it is in the action lines following the slugline, why not just put "O'HARE INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT" into the slugline. Also, since the action first takes place on the ground where Jeff loads the luggage onto his vehicle, why not even be more specific about the location in the slugline.

I would, if I could, tell you the name of the location where Jeff would be driving his vehicle, but my McMillan Visual Dictionary is in a room that my mom locked. But if you've done your research, I'm sure you know the names of the exterior parts of an airport.

2. The action line paragraph beginning with "The clouds have.."

You packed a lot of information that would best be broken down with the use of slugs and mini-slugs of specific areas.

A lot of people are not familiar with this aspect of air travel, so you can enlighten the reader with your knowledge of what Jeff's job entails, and how it is made easier with Sam, his mentor, by his side.

I'm not saying you should pack ten pages of details, but just give enough about his routine. Also, Sam seems like he can be a crucial character in Jeff's life and vice versa. Reveal their relationship in dialogue and action.


I really don't know what to say about the rest. Just wanted to let you know what I felt about the airport scenes.

[DoubleIT]

The airport isnt really increadibly important to the story. Dont you think using the techincal term would just be more confusing than just saying its near the terminal?

[scripter1]

Technically the EXT of the Airport outside the gate where the Plane parks is called the tarmac (or ramp by airport people), and yes it would be confusing.

You should put O'HARE INT. AIRPORT in the slug but your description of the plane coming up to the gate works just fine. However, the baggage cart would not be tailing the plane, most likely it would be off to the side waiting for it to park AND then would maneuver alongside it.

ALL the doors (except the tail doors) on most airplanes either open to the side or lift up-wards to avoid accidents and having the doors knocked off by equipment.

And there is no way in H E L L someone on the ground will be able to see in to the windows of a 747.
Have you ever actually SEEN one of those things?
You know it's massive, but take a look at it again.

[DoubleIT]

Changed that around a bit.

[scripter1]

He STILL is not going to be able to SEE her and THAT blows your whole scene.
There is no way this could be filmed. No matter what angle the camera gets unless it is an extreme close up, which will NOT show us Jeff's POV (and you've written it from his POV) the girl is NOT going to be visible through that tiny, itty-bitty, teensy-weensy window!!!!!!!
Especially if she is focused on her computer. We would see her shoulder maaaaaaayyyyyybe but not enough of her face to know that she is beautiful.

Also, you don't go NEAR a 747 until the engines have completely stopped. Those things will push around a full-sized van even if it is parked 30 feet away.
(I know, I was DRIVING the van and that damn plane almost blew me off the ramp. Scared the crap out of me.)

[DoubleIT]

Do you think it will be justified when the rest of the movie has this slight surreality to it? A lot of strange things happen throughout the script. I think a cleaver director could film the window scene.

Now I have a great excuse to have wind (I like wind and fog, its all the Kurosawa films i've been watching). I'm going to fix that and maybe play with the window scene, but I'd like to hear others opinions. I want the two characters to overlap a few times like that - its happened 3 times so far in 26 pages.

[scripter1]

Well, hmm. It could work I guess if you set the surreality up before hand. There could be some type of a zoom up shot from Jeff to the window BUT
still in the back of my mind as an audience member I'm going to know there this no way HE can actually see her. It's not possible because of the size of the windows, the size of the plane and the angle he would be at.
It's fake. The camera is making it happen instead of Jeff actually being able to see her.

[scripter1]

This scene may not be hugely important but you should still try to get things correct. A little research can go a long way to making your story feel real.

They don't throw bags by hand anymore, not on the big planes. They drive a conveyor belt up to the belly and then one person loads them on at the top while another unloads them at the bottom. For a 747 there would likely be three or four trains of baggage carts. The drivers pull up and then advance in stages until each cart is somewhat full and then they drive off and another train gets loaded.
Everyone wears ear protection and there isn't much small talk going on. The leads might talk and maybe the wing walkers (the guys with the orange wands that guide the plane into the space) but a conversation like this wouldn't really be able to take place. Too busy, to loud.

I think you need to get a much smaller plane.
Was there a reason you chose a 747?
Is there a really GOOD, SOLID reason she can't be on a business jet? A 15 or 30 seater maybe?

[scripter1]

Sorry Double.
I would like to help you a bit more but it's waaaaay past my bedtime. I'll see if maybe I can't read over your pages tomorrow and give you some more feedback.

Night ya'll.

[DoubleIT]

Perfect!! A private jet is great - i have her mom talk about one in a later scene. Ill have to change the stewerdess scene a bit but thats no biggy. Thanks a lot, great idea.

[maestrowork]

Try a Learjet.

[Writing Again]

You might want to talk to a real live cop about the scene where he walks up to the driver's side of the car -- I believe the current practice is for a lone officer to walk up to the passenger side of the car.

[Noah1]

I posted some notes in your thread on Done Deal.

[Fartin Mowler]

Well, it was well formated :lol