pages 8-14

&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp
EXT. HOUSE IN THE HILLS - NIGHT

Smoke trails through an open car window.

Dugan waits, looking through the maze of trees where an isolated cottage sits. Peaceful until --

A WOUND out engine, SQUEAL of tires, headlights splice
through the trees.

A car hooks around a turn, hugging the road. . .
sliding neatly into a space in front of the cottage.

The intoxicated behemoth, Jerry O’Riley steps out, slurring a Scottish tune.

JERRY
Oh no Pope of Rome, no more
Catholic to sadden my eyes.
No nuns, no priests, @#%$
your rosary beads. Everyday
is the twelfth of July.

Dugan takes a hearty pull from a cigarette.


EXT. NIGHT - FRONT OF COTTAGE

DUGAN
(calling out)
Hey Jerry. . . Jerry O'Riley.
Whatdya say?
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp
At the top step leading into a screened off porch.
Jerry squints through the darkness.

Jerry
Who's that there?

Jerry latches onto a shotgun.

DUGAN
Dugan Roach.

Jerry’s hand unclenches. Dugan walks into the light.

JERRY
Not good to be sneaking around
a man’s land Roach.

Jerry pushes open the screen door. Dugan stands
below him, on the path, leading to the steps.

DUGAN
Seeing how ya feeling that’s all.
Thought you might be under the
weather.

JERRY
Tell Jolly to take a pull on me
popsicle. It'll be coming when
it comes.

Dugan steps onto the bottom step, looking up at
the Goliath.

DUGAN
Kevin's a patient man, but
come yesterday, it was time
enough.

Dugan takes another step.

JERRY
I’ve owed bigger than him.

DUGAN
I know it’s a burn to think back
that far. But did you not get
your wad when you won?

Dugan moves up another step. A small flutter of fear
rolls across Jerrys.

JERRY
You keep coming – you’re gonna
get hurt here.

DUGAN
What are you spraffing about?
Kevin’s a fair man twice over.
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp
Jerry clamps onto the shotgun and wheels with bad intentions.

FROZEN TIME: We spin this stilled moment, three hundred
and sixty degrees.
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp
DUGAN (OVER)
At that moment, that very second
my life changed. In the time it
took that bastard to reach for that
shotgun and try to blow me into
tomorrow my entire existence
disappeared -

uNFREEZE: explosion

Dugan slams into the door, to late -- the door splinters – buckshot paints his shoulder with a hundred little holes.

Jerry gets to his knees, shotgun in hand, ready to
shoot again, he swivels – smack – right into a fist.

The shotgun clangs down the steps to the ground. Jerry follows toppling forward, cracking his skull against the walkway.

Blood oozes into the walkway cracks, into the gun, slowly filling, then moving into more cracks.


INT. KEVIN JOLLY’S HOUSE - LATER

An open wound covered in powder burns.

KEVIN
Ya off, outta here -

MARGARET JOLLY, a thick, large bosomed woman with fire engine red hair, stitches Dugan’s shoulder.

KEVIN
The States, that's where you're
headed.

Kevin paces. His face flush with worry.

KEVIN
I know a guy. A good
pipeline – he’ll help.&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp

DUGAN
America? @#%$ had a gun.
Shotgun you could stick your
dick in. Sorry Maggy.

Maggy keeps stitching.

MAGGY
dugan honey. Sit still please.
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp
DUGAN
He was ready to use it.
Me or him.

KEVIN
There's no explaining that when
you're there collecting.
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp
DUGAN
Run, that's @#%$ all. It
can be sorted out.
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp
KEVIN
Nothing's gonna bring back that
fella O'Riley. When they start
asking the questions and you
and me don’t supply the same
answers – you'll grow old in a cot
with real killers, me joining yah.

DUGAN
I won’t go. Can't leave my
Mum alone.
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp
KEVIN
She'll be alone with you put away.
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp
DUGAN
She can't take no more sadness.

KEVIN
She'll be fine. Better with
you safe across the sea.
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp
MAGGY
She's a sturdy women, pulled
through all right after your
father passed.

She tenderly blots his swollen face with a damp rag.

MAGGY
We'll watch over Ellen. . .
we will Son.

Maggy finishes the last stitch, wrapping white gauge
around the wound, assisting him with his shirt.

KEVIN
boy, with your talents – better
off over there. My friend, he’ll
have a place for you. And you'll
be able to earn. Send your Mum
enough for the rent and all.

DUGAN
I can’t leave her.


INT. HOTEL NIGHT CLUB – MIAMI

SUPER: THREE YEARS LATER

Deep thumping ‘house’ music surrounded by Disco lights. Surf through bodies on the dance floor TO

A STRIKING BLONDE (35) grinding into a YOUNG BUSINESS MAN (25) fondling his tie, slowly moving to his hands.
&nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp &nbsp
AND THIS IS WHEN WE MEET THE ORGAN DOCTORS

Who killed Jerry? It wasn't Dugan. Will we find out?

dugan hit him with a crunching right, jerry's head smacked against the granite step and split open.

dugan killed jerry in self defense.

vig

Dugan slams into the door, to late -- the door splinters – buckshot paints his shoulder with a hundred little holes.

Jerry gets to his knees, shotgun in hand, ready to
shoot again, he swivels – smack – right into a fist.

Click to expand...

This confused me. If Jerry just shot Dugan...how does he NOT see Dugan coming to punch him? Why does he swivel? Guns shoot bullets in straight lines. The last time Jerry saw Dugan was at the end of his gun barrel. Dugan would've flown backwards...still in Jerry's line of sight.

Why not have Dugan get shot...go flying/crashing through the front door and out of Jerry's view. Then when Jerry walks inside the door looking for Dugan's body...Dugan can smash Jerry in the face sending him back out the door, down the steps, and cracking his head on the sidewalk. The way it's written now, it suggests someone else was there with Dugan.

As you've previously mentioned, since I'm an inept writer, you probably shouldn't listen to me.

well, maybe i would say that if you had a problem with the word shotgun, which does everything but shoot in a straight line, you might have a problem understanding that there was only two people in the scene.

i will make it crystal clear, just in case..

Dugan slams into the door, to late -- the door splinters – buckshot paints his shoulder with a hundred little holes.

shotgun, which does everything but shoot in a straight line,

Click to expand...

Sounds like a pretty straight line here...enough for 100 pellets to strike him in the shoulder and none in the face, arms, or torso.

Next time I go duck hunting...I'm gonna try your method. Shoot and then look behind me(wheel around) to see if I got 'em...smiles.

the closer the person is to the shotgun, the better chance he has to getting hit in a concenration of three to five inches.

okay, i've never used a shotgun on ducks.

vig

Writer 1

"As you've previously mentioned, since I'm an inept writer, you probably shouldn't listen to me."

:rollin

Just about died laughing.
I know, too bad for the rest of the world, but I did recover.

Vig, if it was in self defense and he's got wounds to prove it and the death was accidental, why does he Dugan allow himself to be blackmailed?

I read over your logline thread and I agree with the person who said "Have Benny threaten his mother."
In this scenario Dugan doesn't have much control.
In the current version Dugan can just hit right back, there is no REAL threat.

Either I'm a real gluten for punishment, I can't help meddling, or I really do want to help people.
Hmm, I think it's a combo of the last two.

Vig, some comments for you.


"A WOUND out engine, SQUEAL of tires, headlights splice
through the trees."

Splice means to connect things together, usually rope.
The headlights are doing the opposite, they are BREAKING the images of the trees. Slice works, it's typical and ordinary but it conveys the right image.


EXT. NIGHT - FRONT OF COTTAGE

You've changed the slug. Technically this would indicate a change in location, we've moved from A HOUSE IN THE HILLS to the FRONT OF A COTTAGE.
Perhaps you should try to clarify Dugan's location in relation to Riley's.

"Dugan moves up another step. A small flutter of fear
rolls across Jerrys."

Across Jerry's what?


"JERRY
You keep coming – you’re gonna
get hurt here.

DUGAN
What are you spraffing about?
Kevin’s a fair man twice over.

Jerry clamps onto the shotgun and wheels with bad intentions."

You don't need to tell us his intentions are bad, we've gathered that from his dialog "You're gonna get hurt."
This is a good action moment, keep it short, fast, and specific.

"uNFREEZE: explosion

Dugan slams into the door, to late"
That would be too late

" -- the door splinters – buckshot paints his shoulder with a hundred little holes."

This would rip huge holes in him, smaller in the front, huge in the back, probably would kill him, if not instantly then he would bleed to death pretty quickly.
Buckshot is large lead beads, 8 to 10 of them loaded into a cartridge and at two or three feet......
Birdshot might produce the wounds you're looking for,
or you could just go with a 22, or other small caliber gun.

Dugan isn't near the door, he's still standing on the steps outside the porch. Jerry has walked in slightly but Dugan is still outside, he has no where to go but back down the steps.

"Jerry gets to his knees,"
Why is Jerry on his knees? It's just a shotgun.
Yeah, they kick pretty hard but Jerry's a goliath.

"shotgun in hand, ready to
shoot again, he swivels – smack – right into a fist."
Writer 1 covered this one.

"The shotgun clangs down the steps to the ground. Jerry follows toppling forward, cracking his skull against the walkway."

Several problems here. 1) Jerry is ABOVE Dugan.
2)Jerry is a Goliath so we can assume it would take a serious punch to knock him over and 3)Dugan's just been shot. And he immediately hammers Jerry right back?
Not buying it.

"INT. KEVIN JOLLY’S HOUSE - LATER

An open wound covered in powder burns."

See note above.


"DUGAN
He was ready to use it.
Me or him."

He DID use it, that is why Dugan is getting stitches!


"KEVIN
Nothing's gonna bring back that
fella O'Riley. When they start
asking the questions and you
and me don’t supply the same
answers – you'll grow old in a cot
with real killers, me joining yah."

Why wouldn't they have the same answers?
Jerry isn't there to tell his part, Dugan can just say he was there to pick up money Jerry owed him, perfectly honest and Jerry flipped. Or Dugan can say he was there to give Jerry a friendly warning and Jerry misunderstood his intentions.

"Maggy finishes the last stitch, wrapping white gauge
around the wound, assisting him with his shirt."

It's gauze not gauge.

"INT. HOTEL NIGHT CLUB – MIAMI

SUPER: THREE YEARS LATER

Deep thumping ‘house’ music surrounded by Disco lights."
The way you've written this the music is surrounded by the lights and that's not possible since music is intangible.
Try something like "Deep thumping 'house' music plays.
Surf through bodies on the dance floor surrounded by Disco lights TO -"

Your strong points are great dialog and scenes that contain conflict and escalating tension. Your pages move.

I hope I've helped a little.

scripter, great energy, realy but let me ask you a question.

you're in the woods, in a car, a thicket of trees in front.

when a car off in the distance get's closer it's headlights hit a tree, then get interupted for that brief moment, then rejoin.

so, when headlights splice from tree to tree, they do what?

and second, house music surronds... has nothing to do with what is tangible. that is just silly. and any screenwriter who gives you an answer like that has not read scripts, cause it happens every day that type of discription

script venacular is the most creative and visual bending of the principles of word usage there is.

i don't even want to get into anything else.

i guess what i'm saying about your broad strokes angle on the craft of screenwriting is that when you fish with a greenade, you're going to get fish, but that don't make you a fisherman.

and i can guarantee it doesn't qualify you to run charters for the beginner fishermen. the frst rule in boat club, is to know how to read the equipment that finds the fish. the secod rule in boat club, is to know how to fish.

vig

"Either I'm a real gluten for punishment, I can't help meddling, or I really do want to help people." - scripter1

You seriously charge $45 for your services?

Simply astonishing.

Main Entry: glu·ten
Pronunciation: 'glü-t&n
Function: noun
Etymology: Latin glutin-, gluten glue —more at CLAY
Date: 1803
: a tenacious elastic protein substance especially of wheat flour that gives cohesiveness to dough
- glu·ten·ous /'glüt-n&s, 'glü-t&n-&s/ adjective

Click to expand...

i think what it boils down to is that scripter is convinced she is helping people. I agree she can. but does that mean she knows how to structure a story? does she know how to write dialogue? has she read hundreds of scripts that she can draw from with specific examples that permeate her pov in the review? it doesn't look like it.

In the real world, she's asking for what amounts to 5 bucks an hour after it is all said an done. she's worth minimum wage. but that's a barometer that you don't want to be measured against in this field.

i can tell you this from personal experience that i think i have an idea why the working writers and the ones who have tortrued themselves in pursuit of their great stories, scoff at the people teaching the craft at all levels, is because to actually learn this craft it takes an enormous amount of diligence, combined with the ulitmate man vs. himself struggle that literally reshape who you think you are.

it's astounishing what you can make a character do and how you react to his decisions. since many of our characters are our filter for ouselves, the personal investment becomes almost surreal at times..

anything worth working for becomes part of you, as if a possesion. something the writer holds deeply to his/her heart....

... you get pissed off at people who make light of your sacrafices by adopting the notion of someone who has also sacraficed. or even thinks that they know how it works, when clearly they don't.

i now it's not only me, but i think others can tell just how far you are along in the craft by the advice you give. i know you have no idea what that actually means scripter, and your continual defense of our point of view is case in point, but maybe 100 scripts from now, you will look back on yourself and puke. and what you will puke up is your shame.

vig

exhausting

scripter1 should stick to finding typos. beyond that, she's grossly underqualified to give advice on any levels. but the ability to find a typo here or there could be of value to someone.

Fine until you get to "DUGAN, now (7)-."
NOW is present tense and we are in the past. Just cut it. SCRIPTER

just another example of what i'm talking about. when you go to flasback, in the movie it may be past tense, but in terms of how it works out, it's present. it's right now.

so, when you skip to different ages and differen looking people, his age is what he is NOW.

these little things are perfectly fine for you, cause you have no idea what you're talking about, and the person getting your information has no idea what he's doing, and it becomes one person learning from another and nobody hae a clue what they are doing and this is the foundation that the internet is predicated on, misnomers, rules that aren't rules, axioms that aren't true. do you understand.

now, i'm gone back and rewrote on your suggestions on things that helped, cause they just did. but it's just plain wrong to not know what you're talking about and passing that on like some kind of disease, passed on to the next schmoe who will go to a message board and defend his honor about something he leared from you and he takes it as gospel because they gave you 45 bucks.

i think you should go listen to alice in chains and repent.

vig

vigorish

scripter1 has a point re: buckshot. it kills - it does not paint hundreds of holes - it punches through its target, leaving gaping wounds.

what you've described is like a 20 gauge or .410 with #4 shot or birdshot (as scripter rightfully pointed out)

make no mistake, buckshot from a 12 or 20 gauge goes right through a person (whether or not it has to go through a door to get there)

if you want the person to sustain a shot but live - make it #4 shot (through a door) from a 20 gauge or 410 - even that's far fetched but your version is silly and shows no respect for shooting people with the intent to kill them


zilla

jesus, are you defending someone just to defend them? the wound it leaves depends entirely on the CONCENTRATION of the shot, the angle of the gun, the stars allignment with the ozone layer.

this is what i'm talking about. she knows the very purpose of a shotgun, to blow holes in things and she saw a couple hunter episodes and now she knows how a shotgun works. ludicrous, and you backing her up, even more preposterous.

No respect for killing a person? have you read a script lately. have you seen a movie lately? last time i checked the amount of leeway a writer has in the fire arms department is big enough to roll a fully operational death star inside.

what i explained is a perfctly feasible, legitimte movie scenario, and what could and has actually happened in real life just on police files.

so, you think she's right. i think you're both wrong. but i'm a gluten for punishment and when i say gluten, i really mean glutton.

can i write the scene ten time more and make it better, hell yes. will i? hell yes. but come on... let's not talk out of our asss.

vig

vig

no, i wasn't defending anyone. i was saying scripter is correct in the assessment of the effect buckshot has when it hits a person. but, stick to your guns (so to speak). if you remain adamant in your assertion that buckshot (which has two to eight shot per shell) would 'paint' a shoulder with 'a hundred' holes, well, fine. write what you want. consider the criticism withdrawn


zilla

no, no. i think she's right. It wouldn't make a hundred little holes. i was going for the effect. not the literal definition of 100 holes.

if anything, i think i'll take it out entirely and think of better way to say he was grazed.

a buckshot is little cannonballs, the size of tic-tacs.

vig

"i don't even want to get into anything else. "

Funny Vig that you're not willing to discuss what DID work and DID help. But you are quite willing to damage my business.
Everything else is serious continuity and believability problems.
You can't even keep your characters facing the right way for the actions to work. In these pages you didn't write believable action. Someone would just have to come along and rework it anyway.

If I watched this movie as written I would be laughing at the unbelievability of it all and thinking about switching theaters. ( I mean come on, an average Joe knocks down a goliath AFTER being shot? Lays him out in one punch?
What ever.)

And I obviously know quite a bit more about guns then you do. Not only have I shot quite a variety of them but my husband is a collector.
You are jumping to the dangerous conclusion that I'm just a silly woman who has sat at home all her life playing with dolls and watching soap operas.
I have led a varied life that fully qualifies me to comment on topics ranging from needle-point to Thoroughbred racing,
childrearing to wilderness survival.
And if I don't know it then there is someone I can ask.
(many writers probably have someone they could turn to for a bit of research but they are either too lazy or too proud.)

Yes I do make mistakes from time, some of them quite silly and very embarrassing to me when I do.

BUT the major things I got right. The important items were dead on.

And yet several members on the boards continue to bash me, even when they will admit that I have helped them and that they are applying my advice.
Would it kill you to just say thank you?

I could understand your points if I charged pro prices or even if I was totally wrong and really, truly misleading people.
The fact of the matter though is that I don't and I'm very honest about what I do and over the course of a script (or even a few pages) I can make a big difference.
I can find the major problems in a novice script and get them over the big issues that could result in a pass.
And do it for less then most charge.

they bash you cause you're not good at what you do, not because of me. and i didn't damage your business, i only pointed out how foolish you are, and so did the others. word of mouth is what you need, and there hasn't been one person, on this board, or donedeal that has seen you work, that would say you are nothing but a beginner.

what makes me laugh even more is that you still continue to defend yourself when it's obivious you don't know what the hell you're talking about.

to me, you're igorant.

dugan is a collector, he's wiped out men bigger than he many times in the line of duty. he has been fighting his entire life.

and i'll say it again, the things characters do while shot, beat up and other things within cinema aren't things that happen in everyday life.

movies are rarely what would happen.

you should not be charging people. you don't know enough. you can't even use the word glutten correctly.

you should be ashamed of yourself.

vig

SHOTGUN WOUNDS: "Pellets rarely exit therefore wounding effect = wounding potential;" google for shotguns, and you will get all the answers you need to know in a chart form and muzzle distance, and wounds and whatever else you need to know about shotguns and the effect they have on people, and the amazing things people did while a shotgun seared their shoulder, face etc. a site i live on and reference many times.

scrpter, i would consider not using the "i'm not a dumb girl my husband has a shotgun defense." it is so much like you're, "i've read a script, therefore i know how to help you rhetoric."

vg

i think the scene can work better with a WWI bazooka

lol

v

ah, i see. you subscribe to the 'look it up on google' school of research. this accounts for a lot. many writers use such cursory methods (in lieu of life experience) to inform their stories - and it shows.

try firing a shotgun instead of reading accounts of firing one. i suggest a full-choke 12 gauge with 00 buckshot (each shot is the width of the shell, not the size of tic tacs). for a target try three yellow pages. use the same distance to the target as in your script. the destructive power of this weapon is not something a person's body could sustain - sorry. a hit anywhere would leave a person dead or dying. no such thing as 'grazing' a person with buckshot.

if you don't want to use double aught, then use anything larger than birdshot. it won't make any real difference. the notion that someone could sustain such an impact and keep going is silly and shows no respect for the act of shooting someone with the intent to kill them. in other words: it's offensive to any thinking audience


z