Rate this Dialogue(Revised)

[Caroyles]

Did a revision on the dialogue now.
Tell me your thoughts!


INT. DR MYSTIC'S OFFICE - DAY

Miranda and Gary sit facing each other. Gary has his head faced
down with both hands grasping each other.

GARY
I'm feeling for this person, this girl.
(a beat)
Her name is Ashley. I first met her at the
legal lady house.
(a beat)
Actually, it's a legal whore house but I would
prefer to call it the lady house.

Miranda nods.

GARY
So, she was sitting with six other ladies.
(a beat)
She really shines among them. Her beautiful
eyes were fixed on me. I felt seduced
instantly. You do know what was next,
right?

MIRANDA
Yes.

GARY
The sex wasn't the greatest but her eyes,
her fragrance, her words...they touched my
heart. They really did...and that's when the
feeling starts to grow. It gets stronger
with each visit...
(a beat)
But as the feelings get stronger...so is my
fear. There are lots of ugly stories about
them...Tons...and those horrible things that
they might do to...live a better life.
I'm in love...at the same time...in fear.

MIRANDA
Have you asked her how she feels about you?

GARY
No...I didn't dare to...

MIRANDA
Was it the stories or is there something
else you like to add?

GARY
Those stories were part of it...but what I
was afraid most was...rejection...I don't
want to taste rejection again...It's worse
than being conned.

MIRANDA
You tasted rejection before?

GARY
Yes...

Miranda looks at Gary. Gary looks up for a moment before
putting his head down again. He clasps both of his hands.

GARY
It was back in high school.
(sigh)
She was just an ordinary yet beautiful girl.
But I guess that I wasn't good-looking enough for her.

MIRANDA
Did she tell you the actual reason for rejecting
you?

Gary looks up and answered.

GARY
No, I never asked...I just assumed it was my
looks. I always believe it is.

MIRANDA
Why?

GARY
No one ever complimented about my looks.
Not even my friends will. No girls will
date me out and I don't approach to them
either...because I'm afraid....is this
abnormal?

MIRANDA
I won't say it is. Everyone is afraid of
something. Will you call someone who is
afraid of the dark, abnormal?

GARY
I will never do that!

Miranda smiles gently.

GARY
I'm sorry.

MIRANDA
When did you start visiting the...lady
house?

GARY
(a beat)
The day I got rejected....I went there
alone. I was having suicidal thoughts back
then because the pain really hurts me to the
core. But I thought if I had to die...I must
at least lose my virginity before I did...so
I went....
(a beat)
My first time wasn't that bad. It was with
someone who was rather gentle and sweet. But
the process was enjoyable...I think that's
when I stop thinking about committing
suicide. Visiting the lady house has become
a habit. I went there once a month to
release myself....but I have never fall in love
until this one...this special one...
(a beat)
Tell me, what should I do?

MIRANDA
(a beat)
You need to know how she feels about you.

GARY
But I can't stand another rejection.

MIRANDA
Then it will always be a mystery that twines
in your heart.

Gary was surprised by that answer.

GARY
(a beat)
How am I supposed to do that?

MIRANDA
Ask her out for a romantic dinner, tell her
how you feel. See how she reacts...if she
really rejects you...you can always see
me again.

GARY
Well, there's just one problem

MIRANDA
What is it?

GARY
The pimp wouldn't let me take her out.

[Noah1]

My thoughts are the same as last time; that English is your second language and you'd do much better writing in your native tongue.

Also, I don't even understand the dialogue here, what it's saying, where it's going, or what story it's trying to advance.

[randesq]

the beats are very destracting. Beats should be precious. To convey a point where we should take weight of the moment. I'd hold on to them like it was your last hand grenade in Bastogne.

Also, don't be so quicdk to throw something else out there. If there are problems with these pages, no doubt we can all imagine what happens throughout the spec. Part of the fun of this writing gig is developing your own style, how your characters 'leak' information, breadcrumbs that can be followed throughout your story. If you leave loaves along the path most of us readers will be stuffed after a few pages.

Most often, what isn't said but understood becomes more powerful than OTN. The most important thing is to keep whaling away at it. gl

[maestrowork]

Noah, try not to tell someone to "write in your native language." If you want to give advice, give supportive advice.

Remember the rules here: respect each other.

Thank you.

Mod.

[kojled]

maestrowork

i agree with noah. not all advice is sugar sweet. it's not supportive to call this dialogue 'polished', it's misleading. this writer has a long, long way to go. for whatever the reason, this writing is gramatically and syntactically incorrect. this writer would be well advised to rethink writing as a profession (which is the assumption on this board).

if the writer is a hobbyist, well then, fine. but, that doesn't change any objective assessment. this dialogue is barely understandable.

maybe noah was too blunt, but that's his right. if english is this writer's second language, their skills need a lot of refining before they would be considered professional. to not say so would not be supportive. it would not show any respect.

perhaps you should get off your high horse and face reality. not everything is perfect. not everyone is naturally gifted. the only real way to improve is through honest assessment and working hard to correct faults. to do that, the faults must be identified

if you're so concerned about respect on screenwriting boards your services are needed, but not in this instance. there are plenty of rude childish posts everyday that you can address


zilla

[randesq]

maestro suggesting in another thread to get a literary agent specializing in screenplays? I mean jees - that's some pretty horrid advice if not taken tongue in cheek.

[Noah1]

Maestro,
Noah, try not to tell someone to "write in your native language." If you want to give advice, give supportive advice.
That wasn't an insult. It was an honest suggestion. Please learn the difference.

After reading this and the first batch of pages this person has posted, it's become quite obvious that either:

a) This person never graduated elementary school or

b) English is not this person's native language.

I'm more inclined to believe "b."

I see many foreign writers on messgeboards like this try to write scripts in English in order to "break in." And, it's always obvious, no matter how good their conversational English is, that it is not their native language. That fact shines through in their pages.

Therefore, my advice is for those people to try writing scripts in their native language and selling them to that country's film industry. If it's really good, it can later be translated.

If the person is English, then his/her main problem is a lack of basic grammar, punctuation, and sentence structure skills. I can't teach someone high school English on a message board. He/she should enroll in some classes and become better at basic writing before even thinking about trying to pursue an endeavor such as screenwriting.


That's all I was saying.

What was I supposed to say, "Wow, this is riddled with so many spelling, punctuation, grammar, and syntax mistakes that it has no chance of ever going anywhere...but good job! You're really getting there! Good luck with your work! Rewrite and repost! You're gonna sell someday!"?

No, because that would all be a lie...well...the second part anyway.

This person doesn't have a firm enough grasp on writing in general or even the English language to, at the moment, succeed as a writer.

Rather than giving this person false hope by telling them to work on his/her writing, I think it'd be much more beneficial to tell this person to go work on his/her English.

[maestrowork]

Zilla,

English is my second language, too, so is it okay to tell me to stick to writing in my native language?

I don't think it's okay to tell a writer to quit writing something. It's okay to tell them "Hey, you need to improve your English skills and here's how you can do it." Besides, I have seen "native English speakers" who abuse the language, who don't know a thing about grammar and spelling and punctuation. I'd never tell those people to stop writing or learn another language. Learn and improve, yes, but not telling them "stick to writing in your native language."

I don't want people to sugar coat their critiques. But I honestly don't see anything constructive in Noah's comment. How about some specifics? How about how the poster can improve? How about a suggestion of improvement? You don't need to sugar coat that to be constructive.

[maestrowork]

What is horrid about getting a literary agent? A friend of mine has optioned two of his screenplays through his agent. There are other ways to sell your screenplays, of course, and one is to get an agent. It certainly worked for my friend.

[Noah1]

How is telling someone who has no grasp whatsoever on the language in which he/she is trying to write to instead focus on writing well in their own language equivocal to telling them to "stop writing?"

You're wanting me to tell a person how to do gymnastics when that person barely knows how to crawl. My suggestion was, in essence, simply for that person to get good at crawling first before they even worry about doing a backflip.

You seem to have some issues, maestro, that go deeper than the hyperbolic crap you're shoveling in this thread.

[Caroyles]

Ok...cool it people.

I didn't know that you guys are grammar sensitive.
I'm sorry about that.

Initially, I'm just throwing out my ideas and write it down on the computer.

I will now work on the grammar...so please chill it ok.
Anyway I have did a slight grammar revision and have posted it.
I would appreciate it if anyone bothers to read it again...but if not that's fine too.

I know that it will still sound bad and awkward or whatever negative things you can say. I am ready to take the critics.
But I ain't going to give up screenwriting.
NEVER!

[Noah1]

Car,

It's not just that "we" are grammar sensitive; it's that ANYONE who will ever read your script and is in a position of importance will be grammar, spelling, punctuation, and syntax sensitive.

I'm not saying that you should quit writing. I never said that. Maestro is putting words in my mouth.

My suggestion is that you either write this script in your native language and try to sell it to someone of the same language or...

...take some English, spelling, and language arts classes at the local university/community college before you try to polish these pages any more.

It's not just your writing/dialogue that is subpar, it is the very basic mechanics of your English writing. If you don't fix that, you will never be able to adequately correct the other mistakes within your pages.

Learn to walk before you try to run. Otherwise you're just wasting your time.

[Caroyles]

Nope...coz some of them suggested about cutting down the therapist conversation. They didn't mention much about grammar. Not that I remember of.

Well if the grammar really offends you then I apologise beforehand.
Anyway, you just commented on the grammar. And then told me to write in my native language. :)

I was really surprise that you don't understand the dialogue because of the grammar. Although the grammar is wrong, I'm sure the idea of the dialogue hasn't been swayed.

[maestrowork]

...take some English, spelling, and language arts classes at the local university/community college before you try to polish these pages any more.

Noah, if only you had said that in the first place. Read your original post again. You didn't suggest that. You didn't suggest her getting any editing or polish done. You simply said:

"Write in your native language."

To me, that's a slam. If you didn't mean it that way, then you probably need to rephrase it.

And I agree with Carol: even with the grammatical and spelling errors, I got a sense of what she was trying to say. It's not like she was writing gibberish. There was logic in her dialogue -- maybe not as "good" as you'd like to see. But that's why she was here, to ask for advice and suggestions for improvement.

Peace.

[Caroyles]

Thank you maestrowork for agreeing with me.
Coz from noah post, he don't seem to understand the dialogue. That's why I'm surprised.

[Noah1]

To me, that's a slam.
That's your problem.
If you didn't mean it that way, then you probably need to rephrase it.
I don't "need" to do anything.

This person is on here for advice.

Real. Honest. Straightforward.

Advice.

That's what I gave.
You didn't suggest her getting any editing or polish done.
Yeah, because that won't help. It's not a matter of these pages needing an "edit" or a "polish." These pages and the language mechanics with which they were written are seriously and fundamentally flawed. No amount of "polishing" will correct that.

Maybe you're just thick-headed and that's why you're not understanding me.

My "suggestion for improvement" is for this person to write in whatever language he/she naturally speaks. If it is English, then this person needs to re-enroll in school and take some classes. However, why go through all of that trouble when this person can simply write the freaking script in his/her native language?

There is no amount of advice that I or anyone else could sanely give this person that will ever....EVER improve these pages, any of this person's other pages, or this person's writing in general until he/she learns the basic mechanics of the English language.

[Caroyles]

Honestly, how many grammar mistakes did I make?
I'm very curious.

Is it so bad that you can't even make out the idea of the dialogue?

Am I making any grammar mistakes in this post?

[kojled]

maestrowork

english is my second language, too. you're not being objective. this has nothing to do with it.

noah did not suggest the writer quit. he suggested they might do better (if english is their second language) writing in their native language. this is logical. it's a good conclusion based on what the writer posted.


z

[dpaterso]

Caroyles, you can't see them? Here's 3 from the first page, without even looking hard:

Gary had his head faced
down with both hands grasping each other.

A legal whore house actually but I would
preferred to call it the lady house.

So, she was sitting there among with six
other ladies.

Carelessness? Maybe. But too much carelessness gives a bad impression.

-Derek
-----------------------My Web Page - naked women, bestial sex, and whopping big lies. (http://hometown.aol.co.uk/DPaterson57)

[Vigorish9]

can people just simply be critical of someone else's writing without having to jusify it by being sensitive.

what scares me is i didn't see to grammar problems. lol. that's too funny.

vig

[ChunkyC]

Maybe you're just thick-headed and that's why you're not understanding me.
Easy, Noah. This is the kind of thing that is pushing it.

[Vigorish9]

wow. if that is pushing it... then my belief that his inapropiate comment is 100%, true makes me manson.

vi

[Caroyles]

Ok, I did another grammar revision.
Tell me if my grammar still sucks?

Am I making any grammar mistakes in this post?

[William Haskins]

"mistake" should be plural.

[ChunkyC]

Vig: posting personal insults is pushing it. With that said; no one has been edited, nothing has been deleted, it is nowhere near that stage. I'm merely suggesting that folks don't get too worked up, and to stay on point.

As mods, both Maestro and I have a responsibility to try to keep things civil here, that's all.

[Vigorish9]

wow. i see i now. my posts are so sloppy, and mangled i just read what my head thinks it should be and my eyes miss them.

but car, you are in a bad place. you may not speak broken english, but you write it.

vig

[William Haskins]

In the flourescent glare of the Absolutewrite Mods' Lounge, a tiny speaker, mounted in the corner of the ceiling, crackles.

VOICE
(filtered)
We've got borderline xenophobia in 'screenwriting'. Repeat: bor-der-line xen-o-pho-bia...

CHUNKY and MAESTRO, huddled over veggie sandwiches, spit synchronized bean sprouts across the table.

MAESTRO
Jesus Christ! Screenwriting! We don't have mods in there!

CHUNKY
I KNEW this was going to happen. Remember? I said so that one time.

Maestro wipes a trail of vinegar from the corner of his mouth.

MAESTRO
I'm going in.

CHUNKY
Don't be a fool, man!

MAESTRO
Someone has to. Screenwriters are foul beasts indeed. We can't just sit back as a burgeoning writer's career is crushed.

Chunky tosses the rest of his sandwich, jumpshot-style, into the wastebasket and sucks down the rest of his Tab.

CHUNKY
I got your back. Let's roll.

[maestrowork]

Listen, plain and simple.

Critiques should be done in a constructive way. You should be as honest as possible, but try not to hurt the poster's feelings. I can't tell you what to say and what not to say. Nobody has edited or censored anything here, and nobody will. But as one of the mods, I do have the duty to jump in and offer a word of caution when I see it's necessary.

Second, personal attacks are not to be tolerated here.

Please read the AW guidelines. When you registered and joined AW, you agreed to the guidelines. If you're not familiar with them, please read them again.

The original poster wants some advice and suggestions on how to make her script better. Maybe it's time for us to help her out a bit.

Thank you.

p.s. Carol, if you want, you can post your WIP on Share Your Work area. There are clear guidelines there for critiquing and I'm sure you'll get some helpful feedback.

[Vigorish9]

i think your desire to repress my hostility and the hositlity of others by condemnation will only unite the brothers in arms.

if we can not ridicule, point fingers and jeer while cloaked by the internet wall - then why do i spend 23 dollar a month?

you tell me that MR. MAESTRO and then i'll follow you into hell, dear sir. you tell me that (wipes mist from leaking eyes.

YOU TELL ME THAT DAMMIT.

vig

[maestrowork]

p.s. William, now that's funny. Although I don't eat veggie burgers and I hate vinegar. :D

[maestrowork]

vig, I suspect that English is your second language, and I think it might be better that you write in your native language.

I have no idea what you were trying to convey.

:D

[in case you didn't notice... we mods do have a sarcastic sense of humor]

[Vigorish9]

veiled in that post i see that you could have been ridiculing me and therefore you have done exactly what you are trying to stop.

En' guard

v9

[dpaterso]

Hey, vig has taken years to deliberately develop an incomprehensible writing style as part of his "craft," don't dare knock it.

-Derek
-----------------------My Web Page - naked women, bestial sex, and whopping big lies. (http://hometown.aol.co.uk/DPaterson57)

[Vigorish9]

he just called me somethng mean.

vig

[maestrowork]

Sarcastic sense of humor.

[randesq]

let's not alert vig to his incomprensionivessness

[maestrowork]

How about 'em Red Sox?

[Vigorish9]

the redsox are 'all' little red headed step children with an inferiority complex in that little stupid town, with that little habor, where they had that fight for tea.

who gives a damn about tea? and who likes a team known for fighting over tea. i mean, i drink tea, but hell if i would kill someone over it.

you guys with me? no killing over tea. the problem with this thread is to combine the first and secod acts so that the ending will be a twist.

maybe, just maybe CAR, can post another set of pages with a character who speaks broken thoughts? that would work.

vig

[Caroyles]

I will just post my doubt here. Help me and I really appreciate it. If you don't want to...please move on and ignore this whole damn thing. Don't waste your time telling me to; go to school and take a class, I waste the board time, I should ask my teacher or whatever because it all boils down to one thing. That is my english sucks. I agree with you. It sucks. I'm sick of ppl trying to use this chance to flame. Gosh....ah it's your freedom do what you see fits.

Here goes...


GARY
Her name is Ashley. I first met her at the
legal lady house.


Can I use 'I first met' or must I rephrase the whole sentence?


I felt seduced
instantly.


'Felt seduced' or 'felt seduce'?


but her eyes,
her fragrance, her words...they touched my
heart.


I purposely wrote it in fragments. Certain part of the dialogue are aslo written in fragments. Is this technique not allowed in screenwriting?


those horrible things that
they might do to...live a better life.


The word 'might' seems wrong. Is it wrong? About the "...", I used it often to signify half a beat. Is it wrong for me to do that as well?


MIRANDA
Was it the stories or is there something
else you like to add?


Is the word 'Was' the wrong word to start the question?
Do I have to rephrase this?


But I guess that I wasn't good-looking enough for her.

Should I lose the word 'that'? Or do I have to rephrase this?


But I thought if I had to die...I must
at least lose my virginity before I did


'Before I do' or 'Before I did'

That's all the doubts I have.
Thank you for spending the time to read and critic and er...flame even.

Maybe I just entered the wrong board................

[ChunkyC]

Veggie sandwiches? When did we get a cafeteria?

[William Haskins]

caroyles -

dialogue is a tough element to master. it requires a lot of intangibles, not the least of which is being able to mimic the "music" of conversation. there's a rhythm, a cadence, to how people speak that can sometimes be as unique as a fingerprint. you just have to read a lot and practice a lot to get it down.

your dialogue samples here aren't going to be improved simply by putting lines individually under a microscope. the biggest problem, in my opinion, is the conversation as a whole. shrink-and-patient dialogue can be written a lot of ways, but at its heart it's a cat and mouse game.

what you have here is two people basically acting as puppets for the information you want to express in the scene. they're just holding up big cue-cards that you've written.

get in their heads, let there be some interplay, some hide and seek, some dynamic to the conversation.

not simply exposition.

[maestrowork]

One way to find out how a shrink and a patient might converse in a session is actually take a few sessions... research! It's expensive, of course (unless your insurance would pay for them) but it's a good way to research how shrinks talk...

[William Haskins]

kidnapping a shrink is cheaper, though the quality of research may be marred by their raw fear.

as always, just be gentle.

[Vigorish9]

i've been to dozens of schrinks and they keep on saying. sir, sir, can you please let me go... sir... please-let-me go... our session is over.

and sir, can you not smoke in here.... sir, please put the joint down....sir put-the-joint-down.

okay... mr. vigorish why do you feel people are following you?

vig
cause i see dead people.

shrink
are they ghosts? are they suspended air?

[kojled]

maestrowork

implying the writer is mentally unstable and should see a psychiatrist is very rude! just because the grammar is a little off does not make the writer mental. please remember the rules: show respect

william haskins

suggesting the writer commit a felony to improve their writing is also rude.

in addition, your suggestion the logline for one of my scripts. please seek my permission in future. i'm highly offended

vigorish

you are the best writer here


zilla

[Vigorish9]

i feel i'm better at spelling than writing. but i think i'm really good a jax.

vig

[desmas]

You have an interesting idea. Work on it and when you think it's perfect work on it again.

Your dialogue needs improvement but that's not a real issue until the script is done and you want to turn it into a screenplay.

I think the character Gary is interesting but we are not getting into his mind. Okay?

You need to ask yourself why he is central to the story and delivery the goods to us as we read his dialogue.

Hid nothing from the reader. Never ever!

I do have a question. Why is Gary afriad of rejection? Is it really because of his looks? If it is I am not buying that.

A man is usually afraid of rejection when he has some internal wounds that haven't quite healed.

I would like to know more about Garys' past relationships and how they play a factor in his low self esteem.

Lastly to make a scene really work you don't need all that dialogue.

We are talking about a movie here not a noval so keep that in mind.

P.S. I disagree with Noah on your language. Beautiful prose is always a bonus but if your story is boring me to tears I don't care how beautiful you write because I am not going to read your script.

Good luck.

[Vigorish9]

hide nothing from the reader is got to be the worst, i mean the worst, advice you can give.

do you want to play jax with me though?

vig

[desmas]

Vig

hide nothing from the reader is got to be the worst, i mean the worst, advice you can give.

do you want to play jax with me though?

vig


desmas

Yes you do not want to hide anything from the reader but it doesn't mean you need to wave the answers around like a red flag. But if you think a good story is one that builds itself on nothing but mystery than you're wrong.

The Usual Suspects is a good example. I hope you've seen it.

THe best plot devise was used when the cripled became Kaizer Saso at the end of the movie. It wasn't minipulation on the writers part because the clues were all there. But theey were so subtle that unless you were very insightful you would have missed them.

[Vigorish9]

every pupil who begins there journey into his world called sceenwriting references two movies; pulp fiction and usual suspects

as time goes on, you'll start talking about sunset blvd. butch cassidy and the sundance kid, dog day afternoon, body heat, the deer hunter, apocolapse now... after you read those scripts come talk to me.

vig

[desmas]

Well don't hold your breath if you think I am going to go out of my way to pat your ego.

Your entitled to your opinions as I am to mine.

I was only trying to help Caroyles and if anything that I said in the end helps him then mission accomplished.

By the way I didn't really like pulp fiction when I saw it. Maybe I should watch it again.

[randesq]

Caroyles, there can be no right answer, only your answer. We're not saying you have to blow your sac into a lifevest, but there's a certain amount of earnest elbow grease that needs to be applied.

Caroyles can't be helped. Only caroyles can help caroyles.
Fighting and struggling through pages, writing 500 pages to keep 100 is vital to any writer's ability to refine their process. Why would Mantle want to swing like Mendoza?

[Caroyles]

Thanks for the feedbacks and suggestions. I really appreciate it.


Caroyles can't be helped. Only caroyles can help caroyles.
Fighting and struggling through pages, writing 500 pages to keep 100 is vital to any writer's ability to refine their process.


I know practice makes perfect, but I also know that practising a mistake will as a result, mastering the mistake. We won't want that, will we?

[dpaterso]

My last session with my state-appointed therapist went something like this. Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

INT. MIRANDA'S OFFICE - DAY

Miranda sits behind her desk watching Gary. Gary sits with his head bowed and his hands clasped.

MIRANDA
Go ahead, Gary. I'm here to help you.

GARY
What makes you think I need help? Do I look as if I need help?

MIRANDA
No. I didn't say you did.

GARY
I don't, okay? I'm fine.

MIRANDA
Well, we have another fifty-six minutes to kill. What would you like to talk about?

GARY
I dunno.

MIRANDA
Motorbikes? Cars? Women?

Gary looks up, interested.

GARY
Please yourself. Talk about anything you like.

MIRANDA
Do you have a girlfriend?

GARY
I'm not gay!

MIRANDA
Whoa, I never said you were gay.

GARY
I know that's what you meant.

MIRANDA
I just asked if you have a girlfriend.

GARY
Kinda.

MIRANDA
Is it an on-off thing?

Gary sniggers.

GARY
Yeah you could say that.

MIRANDA
Does she have a name?

GARY
Of course she has a name, everyone has a name.

Miranda waits.

GARY
Ashley. Her name's Ashley.

MIRANDA
How long have you known her?

GARY
A while. We met...

MIRANDA
Mmm?

GARY
We met at the lady house.

MIRANDA
The what?

GARY
The lady house. You know.

MIRANDA
I'm not sure...

GARY
The house... where you go... to meet ladies!

MIRANDA
The lady house... okay.

GARY
She was sitting with six other ladies. They were all lovely but her, her eyes, they kinda sparkled, and she smiled, and I got, you know, that breathless way, that way I get when I look at women.

MIRANDA
Gary, do you mean the whorehouse?

Gary rises to his feet and lunges at Miranda but the chains looped through rings in the floor stop him. He slumps back down into his chair, panting for breath.

GARY
Don't ever call it the whorehouse. You hear me? Do you hear me?! Ashley isn't a whore. She's a lady.

MIRANDA
I hear you. The lady house. Just calm down, take a moment and calm down.

-Derek
-----------------------My Web Page - naked women, bestial sex, and whopping big lies. (http://hometown.aol.co.uk/DPaterson57)

[NikeeGoddess]

good exchange dp

i'm adding my 2 pence: many psychiatrists are only called upon when the patient is in need of medication. many times they take the lazy way out and never really listen to the patient.
psychologists cannot prescribe meds and therefore must rely more on talk and psychoanalysis. if their client needs meds then they send them to a quick 15 minute session with a psychiatrist just to validify the prescription.

hope that makes sense
rewrite on!

[Noah1]

"Validify?"

[GoneFishinJoe]

So much better then your first draft. Wow...great improvement. Way to Go!

How about giving "lady house" a Proper Name like

The "Champagne Lounge" or something like that. I'm not sure. I'm just thinking out loud here.

I think it's so much improved over your first go.

Well done.

j.

[Caroyles]

Another big revision.
May have grammar mistake so bear with me.
Thanks for reading and giving feedbacks.


INT. DR MYSTIC'S OFFICE - DAY

Miranda has a notepad with her. She leans back on her seat observing Gary. He looks down, clasping both of his hand.
* * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * MIRANDA
* * * * You want to tell me what is bothering you?
* * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * GARY
* * * * I...nothing...nothing is bothering me.
* * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * MIRANDA
* * * * Gary, I'm here to help you. I can't help you
* * * * unless you talk it out.
* * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * GARY
* * * * I...I just can't talk.

Miranda puts away the notepad.
* * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * MIRANDA
* * * * How about a friendly chat instead?
* * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * GARY
* * * * Friendly?
* * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * MIRANDA
* * * * What do you like? Sports? Games? TV?
* * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * GARY
* * * * How about guys?

Gary was expecting Miranda to be surprised. But she isn't.
* * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * MIRANDA
* * * * An interesting subject.
* * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * GARY
* * * * Do you have a boyfriend?
* * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * MIRANDA
* * * * No.
* * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * GARY
* * * * Ex?
* * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * MIRANDA
* * * * (thinks)
* * * * Yes. Had one.
* * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * GARY
* * * * Is he...handsome?
* * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * MIRANDA
* * * * An average joe...but he's a sweet talker
* * * * though.
* * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * GARY
* * * * Did he do something unfaithful?
* * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * MIRANDA
* * * * No...we don't love each other, so we broke
* * * * up.
* * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * GARY
* * * * (regretful)
* * * * I'm sorry.
* * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * MIRANDA
* * * * Don't worry about it. I'm fine.
* * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * GARY
* * * * Why do you share so much with me? You hardly know me.
* * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * MIRANDA
* * * * (a beat)
* * * * It's a part of my character. I always talk
* * * * out my problems. Even though there isn't a
* * * * solution to it, at least I feel better after
* * * * telling someone.

There was a moment of silence.
* * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * GARY
* * * * I'm obsessed about this girl.
* * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * MIRANDA
* * * * A crush?
* * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * GARY
* * * * You can say that.
* * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * MIRANDA
* * * * What's her name?
* * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * GARY
* * * * Ashley...she works in a lady house.
* * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * MIRANDA
* * * * A what?
* * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * GARY
* * * * A lady house....a house where you meet the
* * * * ladies.
* * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * MIRANDA
* * * * The lady house...okay.
* * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * GARY
* * * * She was sitting with six other ladies. They
* * * * were all pretty girls, but she...she just
* * * * took my breath away. Her eyes...her
* * * * smile...her smell...everything is still
* * * * etched in my mind.

Gary leans back on his seat. The tension that was with him earlier has been dispersed.
* * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * GARY
* * * * The sex wasn't the greatest but her words
* * * * were sweet. She always shower me with
* * * * compliments on my looks, body and even the
* * * * sex itself. I thought that for once, someone
* * * * knows how to appreciate me. That was
* * * * until...

Gary bowed his head down again.
* * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * GARY
* * * * I read the sex forums and...there is an
* * * * article that explains why do they compliment
* * * * men during the service.

Gary takes a glance at Miranda. She patiently waits for a reply. He is relieved to see that Miranda isn't disgusted by his story.
* * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * GARY
* * * * They did it so men will come back again.
* * * * Their words hold no sincerity. One even
* * * * quoted never ever trust the lady.
* * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * MIRANDA
* * * * You don't trust her?
* * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * GARY
* * * * Maybe. Do you think I should trust her?
* * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * MIRANDA
* * * * I can't answer that question, Gary. But
* * * * there's a way to help you in your
* * * * decision.
* * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * GARY
* * * * What?
* * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * MIRANDA
* * * * Ask her out for a stroll in a beach, a walk
* * * * in a park, somewhere peaceful where the both
* * * * of you can have a good talk. I always
* * * * believe that a change of setting will change
* * * * the way one talks.
* * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * GARY
* * * * Well, there's just one problem.
* * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * MIRANDA
* * * * What is it?
* * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * GARY
* * * * The pimp wouldn't let me take her out.

[desmas]

Why would the doctor be telling her past with her patiant?

At the end of the scene I don't know what was accomplished through all this dialogue.

With one sentence can you tell me the geft of your movie so I understand where you are going with it?