Rate this Dialogue(Revised)

Did a revision on the dialogue now.
Tell me your thoughts!


INT. DR MYSTIC'S OFFICE - DAY

Miranda and Gary sit facing each other. Gary has his head faced
down with both hands grasping each other.

GARY
I'm feeling for this person, this girl.
(a beat)
Her name is Ashley. I first met her at the
legal lady house.
(a beat)
Actually, it's a legal whore house but I would
prefer to call it the lady house.

Miranda nods.

GARY
So, she was sitting with six other ladies.
(a beat)
She really shines among them. Her beautiful
eyes were fixed on me. I felt seduced
instantly. You do know what was next,
right?

MIRANDA
Yes.

GARY
The sex wasn't the greatest but her eyes,
her fragrance, her words...they touched my
heart. They really did...and that's when the
feeling starts to grow. It gets stronger
with each visit...
(a beat)
But as the feelings get stronger...so is my
fear. There are lots of ugly stories about
them...Tons...and those horrible things that
they might do to...live a better life.
I'm in love...at the same time...in fear.

MIRANDA
Have you asked her how she feels about you?

GARY
No...I didn't dare to...

MIRANDA
Was it the stories or is there something
else you like to add?

GARY
Those stories were part of it...but what I
was afraid most was...rejection...I don't
want to taste rejection again...It's worse
than being conned.

MIRANDA
You tasted rejection before?

GARY
Yes...

Miranda looks at Gary. Gary looks up for a moment before
putting his head down again. He clasps both of his hands.

GARY
It was back in high school.
(sigh)
She was just an ordinary yet beautiful girl.
But I guess that I wasn't good-looking enough for her.

MIRANDA
Did she tell you the actual reason for rejecting
you?

Gary looks up and answered.

GARY
No, I never asked...I just assumed it was my
looks. I always believe it is.

MIRANDA
Why?

GARY
No one ever complimented about my looks.
Not even my friends will. No girls will
date me out and I don't approach to them
either...because I'm afraid....is this
abnormal?

MIRANDA
I won't say it is. Everyone is afraid of
something. Will you call someone who is
afraid of the dark, abnormal?

GARY
I will never do that!

Miranda smiles gently.

GARY
I'm sorry.

MIRANDA
When did you start visiting the...lady
house?

GARY
(a beat)
The day I got rejected....I went there
alone. I was having suicidal thoughts back
then because the pain really hurts me to the
core. But I thought if I had to die...I must
at least lose my virginity before I did...so
I went....
(a beat)
My first time wasn't that bad. It was with
someone who was rather gentle and sweet. But
the process was enjoyable...I think that's
when I stop thinking about committing
suicide. Visiting the lady house has become
a habit. I went there once a month to
release myself....but I have never fall in love
until this one...this special one...
(a beat)
Tell me, what should I do?

MIRANDA
(a beat)
You need to know how she feels about you.

GARY
But I can't stand another rejection.

MIRANDA
Then it will always be a mystery that twines
in your heart.

Gary was surprised by that answer.

GARY
(a beat)
How am I supposed to do that?

MIRANDA
Ask her out for a romantic dinner, tell her
how you feel. See how she reacts...if she
really rejects you...you can always see
me again.

GARY
Well, there's just one problem

MIRANDA
What is it?

GARY
The pimp wouldn't let me take her out.

My thoughts are the same as last time; that English is your second language and you'd do much better writing in your native tongue.

Also, I don't even understand the dialogue here, what it's saying, where it's going, or what story it's trying to advance.

doesn't matter what was said

the beats are very destracting. Beats should be precious. To convey a point where we should take weight of the moment. I'd hold on to them like it was your last hand grenade in Bastogne.

Also, don't be so quicdk to throw something else out there. If there are problems with these pages, no doubt we can all imagine what happens throughout the spec. Part of the fun of this writing gig is developing your own style, how your characters 'leak' information, breadcrumbs that can be followed throughout your story. If you leave loaves along the path most of us readers will be stuffed after a few pages.

Most often, what isn't said but understood becomes more powerful than OTN. The most important thing is to keep whaling away at it. gl

Re: doesn't matter what was said

Noah, try not to tell someone to "write in your native language." If you want to give advice, give supportive advice.

Remember the rules here: respect each other.

Thank you.

Mod.

Re: doesn't matter what was said

maestrowork

i agree with noah. not all advice is sugar sweet. it's not supportive to call this dialogue 'polished', it's misleading. this writer has a long, long way to go. for whatever the reason, this writing is gramatically and syntactically incorrect. this writer would be well advised to rethink writing as a profession (which is the assumption on this board).

if the writer is a hobbyist, well then, fine. but, that doesn't change any objective assessment. this dialogue is barely understandable.

maybe noah was too blunt, but that's his right. if english is this writer's second language, their skills need a lot of refining before they would be considered professional. to not say so would not be supportive. it would not show any respect.

perhaps you should get off your high horse and face reality. not everything is perfect. not everyone is naturally gifted. the only real way to improve is through honest assessment and working hard to correct faults. to do that, the faults must be identified

if you're so concerned about respect on screenwriting boards your services are needed, but not in this instance. there are plenty of rude childish posts everyday that you can address


zilla

how is noah's comment any different than

maestro suggesting in another thread to get a literary agent specializing in screenplays? I mean jees - that's some pretty horrid advice if not taken tongue in cheek.

Re: doesn't matter what was said

Maestro,

Noah, try not to tell someone to "write in your native language." If you want to give advice, give supportive advice.

Click to expand...

That wasn't an insult. It was an honest suggestion. Please learn the difference.

After reading this and the first batch of pages this person has posted, it's become quite obvious that either:

a) This person never graduated elementary school or

b) English is not this person's native language.

I'm more inclined to believe "b."

I see many foreign writers on messgeboards like this try to write scripts in English in order to "break in." And, it's always obvious, no matter how good their conversational English is, that it is not their native language. That fact shines through in their pages.

Therefore, my advice is for those people to try writing scripts in their native language and selling them to that country's film industry. If it's really good, it can later be translated.

If the person is English, then his/her main problem is a lack of basic grammar, punctuation, and sentence structure skills. I can't teach someone high school English on a message board. He/she should enroll in some classes and become better at basic writing before even thinking about trying to pursue an endeavor such as screenwriting.


That's all I was saying.

What was I supposed to say, "Wow, this is riddled with so many spelling, punctuation, grammar, and syntax mistakes that it has no chance of ever going anywhere...but good job! You're really getting there! Good luck with your work! Rewrite and repost! You're gonna sell someday!"?

No, because that would all be a lie...well...the second part anyway.

This person doesn't have a firm enough grasp on writing in general or even the English language to, at the moment, succeed as a writer.

Rather than giving this person false hope by telling them to work on his/her writing, I think it'd be much more beneficial to tell this person to go work on his/her English.

Re: doesn't matter what was said

Zilla,

English is my second language, too, so is it okay to tell me to stick to writing in my native language?

I don't think it's okay to tell a writer to quit writing something. It's okay to tell them "Hey, you need to improve your English skills and here's how you can do it." Besides, I have seen "native English speakers" who abuse the language, who don't know a thing about grammar and spelling and punctuation. I'd never tell those people to stop writing or learn another language. Learn and improve, yes, but not telling them "stick to writing in your native language."

I don't want people to sugar coat their critiques. But I honestly don't see anything constructive in Noah's comment. How about some specifics? How about how the poster can improve? How about a suggestion of improvement? You don't need to sugar coat that to be constructive.

Re: doesn't matter what was said

What is horrid about getting a literary agent? A friend of mine has optioned two of his screenplays through his agent. There are other ways to sell your screenplays, of course, and one is to get an agent. It certainly worked for my friend.

Re: doesn't matter what was said

How is telling someone who has no grasp whatsoever on the language in which he/she is trying to write to instead focus on writing well in their own language equivocal to telling them to "stop writing?"

You're wanting me to tell a person how to do gymnastics when that person barely knows how to crawl. My suggestion was, in essence, simply for that person to get good at crawling first before they even worry about doing a backflip.

You seem to have some issues, maestro, that go deeper than the hyperbolic crap you're shoveling in this thread.

Re: doesn't matter what was said

Ok...cool it people.

I didn't know that you guys are grammar sensitive.
I'm sorry about that.

Initially, I'm just throwing out my ideas and write it down on the computer.

I will now work on the grammar...so please chill it ok.
Anyway I have did a slight grammar revision and have posted it.
I would appreciate it if anyone bothers to read it again...but if not that's fine too.

I know that it will still sound bad and awkward or whatever negative things you can say. I am ready to take the critics.
But I ain't going to give up screenwriting.
NEVER!

Re: doesn't matter what was said

Car,

It's not just that "we" are grammar sensitive; it's that ANYONE who will ever read your script and is in a position of importance will be grammar, spelling, punctuation, and syntax sensitive.

I'm not saying that you should quit writing. I never said that. Maestro is putting words in my mouth.

My suggestion is that you either write this script in your native language and try to sell it to someone of the same language or...

...take some English, spelling, and language arts classes at the local university/community college before you try to polish these pages any more.

It's not just your writing/dialogue that is subpar, it is the very basic mechanics of your English writing. If you don't fix that, you will never be able to adequately correct the other mistakes within your pages.

Learn to walk before you try to run. Otherwise you're just wasting your time.

Re: doesn't matter what was said

Nope...coz some of them suggested about cutting down the therapist conversation. They didn't mention much about grammar. Not that I remember of.

Well if the grammar really offends you then I apologise beforehand.
Anyway, you just commented on the grammar. And then told me to write in my native language.

I was really surprise that you don't understand the dialogue because of the grammar. Although the grammar is wrong, I'm sure the idea of the dialogue hasn't been swayed.

Re: doesn't matter what was said

...take some English, spelling, and language arts classes at the local university/community college before you try to polish these pages any more.

Click to expand...

Noah, if only you had said that in the first place. Read your original post again. You didn't suggest that. You didn't suggest her getting any editing or polish done. You simply said:

"Write in your native language."

To me, that's a slam. If you didn't mean it that way, then you probably need to rephrase it.

And I agree with Carol: even with the grammatical and spelling errors, I got a sense of what she was trying to say. It's not like she was writing gibberish. There was logic in her dialogue -- maybe not as "good" as you'd like to see. But that's why she was here, to ask for advice and suggestions for improvement.

Peace.

Re: doesn't matter what was said

Thank you maestrowork for agreeing with me.
Coz from noah post, he don't seem to understand the dialogue. That's why I'm surprised.

Re: doesn't matter what was said

To me, that's a slam.

Click to expand...

That's your problem.

If you didn't mean it that way, then you probably need to rephrase it.

Click to expand...

I don't "need" to do anything.

This person is on here for advice.

Real. Honest. Straightforward.

Advice.

That's what I gave.

You didn't suggest her getting any editing or polish done.

Click to expand...

Yeah, because that won't help. It's not a matter of these pages needing an "edit" or a "polish." These pages and the language mechanics with which they were written are seriously and fundamentally flawed. No amount of "polishing" will correct that.

Maybe you're just thick-headed and that's why you're not understanding me.

My "suggestion for improvement" is for this person to write in whatever language he/she naturally speaks. If it is English, then this person needs to re-enroll in school and take some classes. However, why go through all of that trouble when this person can simply write the freaking script in his/her native language?

There is no amount of advice that I or anyone else could sanely give this person that will ever....EVER improve these pages, any of this person's other pages, or this person's writing in general until he/she learns the basic mechanics of the English language.

Re: doesn't matter what was said

Honestly, how many grammar mistakes did I make?
I'm very curious.

Is it so bad that you can't even make out the idea of the dialogue?

Am I making any grammar mistakes in this post?

Re: doesn't matter what was said

maestrowork

english is my second language, too. you're not being objective. this has nothing to do with it.

noah did not suggest the writer quit. he suggested they might do better (if english is their second language) writing in their native language. this is logical. it's a good conclusion based on what the writer posted.


z

Re: doesn't matter what was said

Caroyles, you can't see them? Here's 3 from the first page, without even looking hard:

Gary had his head faced
down with both hands grasping each other.

A legal whore house actually but I would
preferred to call it the lady house.

So, she was sitting there among with six
other ladies.

Carelessness? Maybe. But too much carelessness gives a bad impression.

-Derek
My Web Page - naked women, bestial sex, and whopping big lies.

Re: doesn't matter what was said

can people just simply be critical of someone else's writing without having to jusify it by being sensitive.

what scares me is i didn't see to grammar problems. lol. that's too funny.

vig

Re: doesn't matter what was said

Maybe you're just thick-headed and that's why you're not understanding me.

Click to expand...

Easy, Noah. This is the kind of thing that is pushing it.

Re: doesn't matter what was said

wow. if that is pushing it... then my belief that his inapropiate comment is 100%, true makes me manson.

vi

Re: doesn't matter what was said

Ok, I did another grammar revision.
Tell me if my grammar still sucks?

Am I making any grammar mistakes in this post?

Re: doesn't matter what was said

"mistake" should be plural.

Re: doesn't matter what was said

Vig: posting personal insults is pushing it. With that said; no one has been edited, nothing has been deleted, it is nowhere near that stage. I'm merely suggesting that folks don't get too worked up, and to stay on point.

As mods, both Maestro and I have a responsibility to try to keep things civil here, that's all.