wordmonkey
10-27-2006, 08:32 PM
I found this on Craigslist and it struck me an humorous. I think there are lessons we can ALL learn here.
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1. Your title should be short and catchy, clever but not too clever, thematic but not too obscure, an instant snapshot of your characters and plot, unique, and easy to spell. NEVER use more than seven vowels.
2. Your story should grab the reader and rip out their guts in the first ten words. It used to be the first ten pages, and then the first ten lines, but we live in fast-paced times. Well-compensated executives don't have the time to read twelve, fifteen, or even fifty words before deciding whether your story is any good. Consider this example from a script that was quickly rejected:
FADE IN
EXT. GRAVEYARD - NIGHT
Young JOHNNY, just 8, stands alone beside the double coffin in which his parents have both been laid to rest.
This hackneyed script shows us nothing we haven't seen before - little kid, double coffin, graveyard - been there, done that. With a quick flash of screenwriting alchemy, lead becomes gold:
FADE IN
EXT. GRAVEYARD - NIGHT
Young JOHNNY, 8, stands beside a coffin - BOOM!
Now the reader jolts up in his chair. What just exploded? The little kid? The coffin? The entire graveyard in a fireball the size of ten city blocks? Although this story is an introspective period drama about a young orphan desperately searching for a scrap of love in a cold, cruel world, the reader is instantly hooked. They want to know more about this fireball - how hot is it? Does it instantly melt everything it touches? That would be really cool.
3. Be sure to bind your finished screenplay with a well-chosen brass fastener. The tines of the fastener must be just the right length for the thickness of your printed manuscript. Too long and they may stab the script reader, causing them to lose what little red blood they have left. Unscrupulous vendors prey on aspiring screenwriters with synthetic brass known as brassique. Cinema's most beloved films owe their success to really solid, genuine brass fasteners.
4. Scent your screenplay. It is well-known that appropriately perfumed scripts can subconsciously influence script readers through their extra-sensitive olfactory nerves. Never scent a comedy with, say, the smell of a thriller - or worse, vice versa. Filmmaking legend has it that Shane Black's script for Lethal Weapon was heavily soaked in Drakkar Noir cologne and James L. Brooks' As Good As It Gets gave off a musty aroma like a vintage clothes store.
5. Triple-check your margins. Your screenplay's left margin must line up exactly 38.1 millimeters from the edge of the paper. Today's script readers are more sophisticated than ever, often using both laser-guided and infrared technologies originally developed by NASA to separate the good screenplays from the bad.
6. Submit your screenplay to as many screenwriting competitions as you can afford. There are numerous contests to choose from and they all play a vital role in paying the mortgage for contest organizers. While your donation is not federally tax deductible, it is charitable nonetheless.
7. Keep writing. Even if you don't yet have a story in mind, continue to write and keep your mind agile. Experiment with different genres. Write a humorous letter to your landlord about how a series of comic mishaps prevent you from making the rent. Write a suspenseful mystery to your creditors hinting at your ever-changing whereabouts now that you no longer have a fixed address. Write a dark tragedy to your estranged spouse acknowledging the folly and pathos of your career choice and asking her to tell the children that you've drowned while performing a heroic rescue operation at sea.
8. Eat. If you ever land a face-to-face meeting with a studio executive, you need to look the part. A good screenwriter sits on his or her *** all day and you're not going to gain thirty pounds overnight so best start now.
9. Grab one of the empty beer bottles off your breakfast table and stuff the first three pages of your screenplay inside. Include a cover page with your contact information. Use duct tape and cork to seal the neck and pitch your script into a nearby ocean - preferably the Pacific, although some have reported the occasional success in the Atlantic. Don't bother launching your bottle into the Indian Ocean unless your script features at least ten song and dance numbers.
10. Find someone willing to accept money in exchange for pretending to read and care about your script. It can be difficult to locate such a service because so many screenwriters are busy working on high-paying projects around the clock all year long. So ask around. But be warned -- the satisfaction of receiving paid feedback from random strangers can become addictive. You may find you've spent your last dime on coverage, unable to enter any more screenplay competitions, and writing that tragic letter about your failed rescue at sea.
by Aaron Weiss (http://www.bordella.com)
----
1. Your title should be short and catchy, clever but not too clever, thematic but not too obscure, an instant snapshot of your characters and plot, unique, and easy to spell. NEVER use more than seven vowels.
2. Your story should grab the reader and rip out their guts in the first ten words. It used to be the first ten pages, and then the first ten lines, but we live in fast-paced times. Well-compensated executives don't have the time to read twelve, fifteen, or even fifty words before deciding whether your story is any good. Consider this example from a script that was quickly rejected:
FADE IN
EXT. GRAVEYARD - NIGHT
Young JOHNNY, just 8, stands alone beside the double coffin in which his parents have both been laid to rest.
This hackneyed script shows us nothing we haven't seen before - little kid, double coffin, graveyard - been there, done that. With a quick flash of screenwriting alchemy, lead becomes gold:
FADE IN
EXT. GRAVEYARD - NIGHT
Young JOHNNY, 8, stands beside a coffin - BOOM!
Now the reader jolts up in his chair. What just exploded? The little kid? The coffin? The entire graveyard in a fireball the size of ten city blocks? Although this story is an introspective period drama about a young orphan desperately searching for a scrap of love in a cold, cruel world, the reader is instantly hooked. They want to know more about this fireball - how hot is it? Does it instantly melt everything it touches? That would be really cool.
3. Be sure to bind your finished screenplay with a well-chosen brass fastener. The tines of the fastener must be just the right length for the thickness of your printed manuscript. Too long and they may stab the script reader, causing them to lose what little red blood they have left. Unscrupulous vendors prey on aspiring screenwriters with synthetic brass known as brassique. Cinema's most beloved films owe their success to really solid, genuine brass fasteners.
4. Scent your screenplay. It is well-known that appropriately perfumed scripts can subconsciously influence script readers through their extra-sensitive olfactory nerves. Never scent a comedy with, say, the smell of a thriller - or worse, vice versa. Filmmaking legend has it that Shane Black's script for Lethal Weapon was heavily soaked in Drakkar Noir cologne and James L. Brooks' As Good As It Gets gave off a musty aroma like a vintage clothes store.
5. Triple-check your margins. Your screenplay's left margin must line up exactly 38.1 millimeters from the edge of the paper. Today's script readers are more sophisticated than ever, often using both laser-guided and infrared technologies originally developed by NASA to separate the good screenplays from the bad.
6. Submit your screenplay to as many screenwriting competitions as you can afford. There are numerous contests to choose from and they all play a vital role in paying the mortgage for contest organizers. While your donation is not federally tax deductible, it is charitable nonetheless.
7. Keep writing. Even if you don't yet have a story in mind, continue to write and keep your mind agile. Experiment with different genres. Write a humorous letter to your landlord about how a series of comic mishaps prevent you from making the rent. Write a suspenseful mystery to your creditors hinting at your ever-changing whereabouts now that you no longer have a fixed address. Write a dark tragedy to your estranged spouse acknowledging the folly and pathos of your career choice and asking her to tell the children that you've drowned while performing a heroic rescue operation at sea.
8. Eat. If you ever land a face-to-face meeting with a studio executive, you need to look the part. A good screenwriter sits on his or her *** all day and you're not going to gain thirty pounds overnight so best start now.
9. Grab one of the empty beer bottles off your breakfast table and stuff the first three pages of your screenplay inside. Include a cover page with your contact information. Use duct tape and cork to seal the neck and pitch your script into a nearby ocean - preferably the Pacific, although some have reported the occasional success in the Atlantic. Don't bother launching your bottle into the Indian Ocean unless your script features at least ten song and dance numbers.
10. Find someone willing to accept money in exchange for pretending to read and care about your script. It can be difficult to locate such a service because so many screenwriters are busy working on high-paying projects around the clock all year long. So ask around. But be warned -- the satisfaction of receiving paid feedback from random strangers can become addictive. You may find you've spent your last dime on coverage, unable to enter any more screenplay competitions, and writing that tragic letter about your failed rescue at sea.
by Aaron Weiss (http://www.bordella.com)