I need a stronger first sentence

smiley10000 · Aug 9, 2006

My short story starts:

It was my week to open.

I want the reader to know my MC is opening up the 'office' but I don't want them to know what line of work she's in yet.
I can't think of a way to get rid of that awful, weak verb "to be"!

Any help would be GREATLY appreciated...
:Headbang:

10000

blacbird · Aug 9, 2006

Have her actually do something, like unlock the door. Perhaps more to the point, have her do something that at least hints at the core issue, or tension, of the story, such as unlock the door and slam it angrily if she's annoyed at having to open.

caw.

smiley10000 · Aug 9, 2006

Thanks Blacbird...

10000

Mayor of Moronia · Aug 9, 2006

Well....I find that whispering or screaming usually gets people's attention, compelling them to wonder what is going on! Maybe a drive-by shooting and car chase before arriving at the office. But NO tip-toeing through the tulips. Maybe one shoe is caked with dog crap, or gum, she's tracked from the parking lot to the office door. Or she suddenly realizes the seat of her lovely white skirt has a BIG red bulls-eye. As Gomer would say "Surprise! Surprise!"

Jamesaritchie · Aug 9, 2006

smiley10000 said:
My short story starts:
I want the reader to know my MC is opening up the 'office' but I don't want them to know what line of work she's in yet.
I can't think of a way to get rid of that awful, weak verb "to be"!

Any help would be GREATLY appreciated...
10000

There's nothing at all wrong with the word "was." It's a perfectly good word, and writers of scared of it without cause. If it was her week to open, then it was her week to open.

Siddow · Aug 9, 2006

I agree with James, don't be scared of was. Used sparingly, it's very effective while being unobtrusive. I only notice it when overused. If every other sentence contains 'was' or 'had', then re-consider.

OTOH, I just had to point out the irony of you asking about a weak opening, and the sentence in question contains the words "week" and "open". Subliminal message, anyone?

Mayor of Moronia · Aug 9, 2006

To be, or not to be, that is the question....

It worked for Shakespeare, so whats the problem?

'Mac' Max Graham · Aug 9, 2006

smiley10000 said:
My short story starts:
I want the reader to know my MC is opening up the 'office' but I don't want them to know what line of work she's in yet.
I can't think of a way to get rid of that awful, weak verb "to be"!

Any help would be GREATLY appreciated...
10000

HI! Smiley
" For the next bloody week my lover will not be a very happy person, as I will be arising early from our bed to open the office for business."

Someone has to be unhappy because of having to get up early just to open an office. or, create conflict between your MC and the dogs and cat anything but total acceptence of having to open a door for the next week.

Sorry for suggestion, but when in your situation I try to imagine the most outlandish, horrific fate worse than death. put it into words and then disect until the only thing left ... is a decent start. or you could take two asprins and throw the typewriter in the bin.

Good luck smiley.

smiley10000 · Aug 10, 2006

Siddow said:
OTOH, I just had to point out the irony of you asking about a weak opening, and the sentence in question contains the words "week" and "open". Subliminal message, anyone?

Cute... Rather depressing, but cute...

Thanks everyone for your suggestions.

James, I understand that 'was' is not evil. But I just didn't want to start the story with a weak sentence. I needed something with more punch :box:

In the end I left it. It works with my character. She is more of a soft quiet no complainer anyways...

10000

proteomica · Aug 15, 2006

On Friday, they gave me the key, told me to come in early this week and open. They said il like it was an honour or a promotion or came with a ****ing red balloon. All i knew is that it meant getting up an hour earlier.

smiley10000 · Aug 16, 2006

Interesting how everyone complained about the getting up early part... my MC has a night job :tongue

I guess writers just aren't morning people...
:e2zzz:

10000

Flapdoodle · Aug 16, 2006

Jamesaritchie said:
There's nothing at all wrong with the word "was." It's a perfectly good word, and writers of scared of it without cause. If it was her week to open, then it was her week to open.

Well said - I've seen a few people here make comments like "remove 'was'" which seems to me to be totally unjustified. You only have to pick up a few books and see that many of them begin with sentences of the form "X was Y" or "It was X".

Mike Coombes · Aug 16, 2006

Jamesaritchie said:
There's nothing at all wrong with the word "was." It's a perfectly good word, and writers of scared of it without cause. If it was her week to open, then it was her week to open.

A agree. Maybe you should be worrying aabout the sentence that follows.

Jamesaritchie · Aug 16, 2006

smiley10000 said:
Cute... Rather depressing, but cute...

Thanks everyone for your suggestions.

James, I understand that 'was' is not evil. But I just didn't want to start the story with a weak sentence. I needed something with more punch

In the end I left it. It works with my character. She is more of a soft quiet no complainer anyways...

10000

I don't think "It was my week to open" is a weak sentence. Any sentence is a good one if it makes the reader want to read the next sentence.

Flapdoodle · Aug 16, 2006

Jamesaritchie said:
I don't think "It was my week to open" is a weak sentence. Any sentence is a good one if it makes the reader want to read the next sentence.

I've actually nicked it for a story I just started, as I thought it was quite a nice opening.

smiley10000 · Aug 16, 2006

Flapdoodle said:
I've actually nicked it for a story I just started, as I thought it was quite a nice opening.

HEY! Do I get a cut if you sell it?

No? How about a rep point at least?

10000

Dekomposer · Aug 16, 2006

The opening needs to be strong such as 'it was the best of times, it was the worst of times' I haven't got a clue what your short story is about, perhaps you should try and be a little more informative.

Flapdoodle · Aug 16, 2006

smiley10000 said:
HEY! Do I get a cut if you sell it?

No? How about a rep point at least?
10000

What points???

(I only did a couple of a paragraphs - I was thinking of what could follow on! I'm trying to think up the rest of it.)

smiley10000 · Aug 16, 2006

Flapdoodle said:
What points???

(I only did a couple of a paragraphs - I was thinking of what could follow on! I'm trying to think up the rest of it.)

Rep Points... check out this lthread it will explain everything...

You need a pot twist for my story? hmmmm. Burglary in the store? She's fired? She gets to fire someone? Attacked in the wee hours of the morning? Sleeps in on the day before X-mas? Aliens abduct her on the way to work? She falls in love with the taxi driver? It's difficult as I don't know what genre you write in...

Good luck!
:e2writer:

10000

P.S. Thanks everyone! The story was finished and submitted. No need for more advice...

Flapdoodle · Aug 16, 2006

smiley10000 said:
Rep Points... check out this lthread it will explain everything...

You need a pot twist for my story? hmmmm. Burglary in the store? She's fired? She gets to fire someone? Attacked in the wee hours of the morning? Sleeps in on the day before X-mas? Aliens abduct her on the way to work? She falls in love with the taxi driver? It's difficult as I don't know what genre you write in...

Good luck!
10000

P.S. Thanks everyone! The story was finished and submitted. No need for more advice...

I've actually just worked out a plot, except my idea of "open" is not an office. It's altogether more gruesome, and probably rather sick.

smiley10000 · Aug 23, 2006

Flapdoodle said:
I've actually just worked out a plot, except my idea of "open" is not an office. It's altogether more gruesome, and probably rather sick.

Good, I'm happy for you!

I think,
:e2chain:

10000

Flapdoodle · Aug 23, 2006

smiley10000 said:
Good, I'm happy for you!

I think,
10000

LOL... I actually changed the first sentence in the end... But you provided the impetus for a 6200 word epic! I'm amazed at how little can inspire. :hooray:

I need a stronger first sentence

smiley10000

What do we do? We write...

blacbird

smiley10000

What do we do? We write...

Mayor of Moronia

Jamesaritchie

Siddow

I'm super! Thanks for asking

Mayor of Moronia

'Mac' Max Graham

Requiescat in pace

smiley10000

What do we do? We write...

proteomica

smiley10000

What do we do? We write...

Flapdoodle

Mike Coombes

Guru

Jamesaritchie

Flapdoodle

smiley10000

What do we do? We write...

Dekomposer

Flapdoodle

smiley10000

What do we do? We write...

Flapdoodle

smiley10000

What do we do? We write...

Flapdoodle