Hollywood Agent Conundrum

gromhard · Jul 5, 2006

Howdy Y'all,

A little history, I moved to Los Angeles, hat in hand, three years ago with only a finished screenplay(CopThriller/Action) in my screenwriting arsenal. I read the books, I sent out the query letters to fifteen different agencies and I waited 9 months for the returns to stop coming. The responses were of three types. 1. "LIT DEPT CLOSED" most of them or 2. "Not at this time." I got three of those and then 3. Nothing, no return envelope, no response, nada, zilch.
Okay, undaunted I got a job in the entertainment industry. I've been an extra on over 100 television shows and over 25 movies.
I also kept writing, bringing my total of pieces to 3 full length Action/Adventure screenplays and two television episodes(Family Guy and The Shield, more for resume than submitting, the books say to write spec scripts of current shows).
I even wrote a short script, fifteen pages which I donated free-of-charge to a college student for his student film. Don't know what happened with all that though, he stopped calling.
I published 3 poems and 3 short stories in lit zines to up my credentials too.

So three years later, failed connection after failed connection, I go again to submit query letters to agents, this time sending out 30. I got a Hollywood Ross Report and submitted to most all the LA agents who accept screenwriters. I let them know in my query a little about me and a little about my work, highlighting my newest screenplay, 23 Hour War. I send the letters off. The first returned within one week marked "Literary Department Closed."
The rest....no word, no nothing. Six months, 30 letters and nothing. Now I know what you're thinking, "Oh he must have spelled very poorly in his query letter or shown a marked disregard for grammar." Nope and Nope. I even had friends proofread my queries, and not only that but I am published, I do know my way around grammar when I need to.
Maybe you think I didn't include a SASE, I did with TWO stamps a piece just incase they raised the postage. I live in Hollywood, half the letters were addressed in my very own zip code.
Now I've run out of the savings I came out here with. You can't really make a living being an extra. I am beginning to accrue debt and debase my credit. I always told myself "3 years, if you can't make it happen for you then pack up and go home."
Three years later though and not a single damned person out here has so much as read a single one of my screenplays. No one's asked to read them, or even to send out a god damned treatment. I have so many treatments written for the same god damned scripts hoping someone, anyone out here will just so much as give me a chance...but they haven't.
I can handle it if my work sucks. I can handle it if I'm just not a good writer, or don't write good screenplays or even if I just don't pitch projects well. But this..........can I go home like this? Without a single agent ever so much as asking for a treatment or synopsis or script...NOT ONE.
I've wasted my youth, the last three years of my life, all my money...what the hell am I doing wrong???

-Gromhard on the Sunset Strip

Writer1 · Jul 5, 2006

Off the top of my head...if after several years of querying, no one wants to read your scripts, there can ONLY be two reasons.

1) Your stories aren't THAT original/compelling/interesting...

If NOT #1 above...

then

2) Your queries are poorly constructed.

Why not post some loglines, queries, and/or pages for us to take a look at?

clockwork · Jul 5, 2006

Yikes. I feel for you, I really do. I have to say it's unusual to get nothing back at all from 30 query letters. That to me suggest one of two things;

1. Your query letter is so awful that it is uncermeniously tossed without further ado.

2. There is some kind of physical problem regards the postal system/return address/postage. I know you think you've covered all that but I would suggest a quick check to ensure everything is fine. Have you tried sending a letter to yourself, for example, to see if it turns up? That may sound patronising but I mean it with all due respect. It would be awful if someone down the street had some responses because of an address anomoly.

As for the first possibility, might I request you post your query letter here so we can take a look?

Finally, and this is Monday morning quarter-backing but I find that setting time limits to achieve something as complex as becoming a screenwriter is almost always a bad idea. Setting yourself a deadline to succeed is actually setting yourself a deadline to fail. I realise there are financial issues at stake as far as your concerned, but if you decide to give it another go, I'd urge you not to set yourself a date to achieve your goals. Instead, tell yourself that you will stop at nothing, no matter how long it takes, to succeed.

There are some that would say even six months is not an outrageously long time to wait for a response. I think you should have had something by now but I wouldn't give up just yet.

Let's take a look at your query letter to rule out that possibility.

odocoileus · Jul 5, 2006

Check out twoadverbs.com, and chrislockhart's blog http://twoadverbs.blogspot.com/ He's got the real deal on query letters, breaking in, etc.

Also filmdiva on what you need to get an agent, The Big Submission:
http://filmdiva.blogspot.com//

gromhard · Jul 5, 2006

Thanks for the replies Clockwork and Writer1. I wish I could say the problem is with the postal service but it's not. I routinely send out and recieve responses back from poetry and short story journals and the like.
Here's one of my query letters. The others I've sent out are all along this vein.

Kind Agents and Readers at The Morgan Agency,
Hello, my name is Greg Harding and I’m a writer who has been living in Los Angeles for the last three years. I’ve written three full length feature screenplays that I think are ready for representation.
1. 23 Hour War- 101 Pages: Action/Prison Est. Budget < 100,000$
Rick Cruz a young Department of Justice Agent agrees to go undercover into the depths of one of California’s worst Super Max Prisons. Inside it’s a new world where he’s forced to fight and make gang alliances just to survive…

2. Dealers- 120 Pages: Action/Crime Est. Budget 1-5mil$
Four friends, recently laid off from corporate work decide to turn to dealing drugs to get by. They’ll deal only what they need and only as long as they need to, at least that’s how it starts….

3. Piper- 120 Pages: Action / Suspense / Horror Budget: 1-5 mil$
A violent, crime ridden city’s mayor makes a deal with a mysterious man to end the crime wave. The man does, by hunting down the gangs and drug dealers one by one. When he comes for his payment, the mayor tries to wash his hands of the entire affair. The killer then decides it’s time to begin to pick the city’s police officers off, one by one…

I know this letter might sound cheesy but I’m trying to get your attention in the shortest way possible. I can easily send off treatments or the full scripts to any of those three. You should know, I am not married to any of these ideas. I’m always willing to re-work and re-write, whatever it takes to make you and me a little change.

Currently I’m working on a feature dramatic comedy in the vein of American Beauty, a guy coming to terms with his place in the grown-up world and hopefully in a week or so I’ll begin my fourth action script which I’m currently thinking up involving Matrix/Equilibrium type kung fu and sci-fi.
Please if you like any of my ideas give me a call, write me back, summon me to your office. Also if you need a writer for other ideas or for TV then I’d love that too. My dialogue is top-shelf and my plot work is impeccable. I’m a writer, just give me something to write.
Thanks for your time!

--And then my address and phone numbers. I mean a query is supposed to get you in the door. I might not be the best query writer around but it doesn't seem that anything in the query is so indicative my being a poor writer. We're talking agents here. And to top it off the screenplays are good. ANYTHING brought down to a log line sounds like crap.
I have friends who have script agents who haven't even COMPLETED a single script yet so it's not like these people are THAT discerning. Also Writer1 are you like a screenwriter...if so how did you get in the door?

odocoileus · Jul 5, 2006

Yeah or maybe you could assume in three years of time I have done my own homework and know pretty much all that a blog or some website can tell me.
If YOU know what I'm doing wrong then tell me but please don't just tell me to read someone else's diary.

You're giving me a few ideas.

Anyway, I directed you those bloggers b/c they are experts, they have verified industry experience in the areas you were asking about.

clockwork · Jul 5, 2006

My gut reaction to your query.

Too much information. By the end I had forgotten what scripts you'd told me about because there were too many ideas to keep track of.

Your loglines are, in my opinion, not really even loglines. They are teasers, little snippets of information that do not provide an acurate picture of your overall ideas.

"Rick Cruz a young Department of Justice Agent agrees to go undercover into the depths of one of California’s worst Super Max Prisons. Inside it’s a new world where he’s forced to fight and make gang alliances just to survive…"

What's this guy's goal? Who's he going into get dirt on? What stands in his way? What is at stake despite the obvious? Your logline is a concept that hasn't been fleshed-out. I'm not saying your script is too but if your work is as good as you say then your logline is massively under-selling it.

The common 'missing link' of all your loglines is a clear sense of conflict. You set up situations that are ripe for drama but you do not let us in on the specifics. I don't want to to have to imagine the possibilities inherent in four guys selling drugs or a vigilante going after the mayor. You need to tell me what our hero is going to be up against, what he stands to lose, why we should care.

"I know this letter might sound cheesy but I’m trying to get your attention in the shortest way possible. I can easily send off treatments or the full scripts to any of those three. You should know, I am not married to any of these ideas. I’m always willing to re-work and re-write, whatever it takes to make you and me a little change.

Currently I’m working on a feature dramatic comedy in the vein of American Beauty, a guy coming to terms with his place in the grown-up world and hopefully in a week or so I’ll begin my fourth action script which I’m currently thinking up involving Matrix/Equilibrium type kung fu and sci-fi. Please if you like any of my ideas give me a call, write me back, summon me to your office. Also if you need a writer for other ideas or for TV then I’d love that too. My dialogue is top-shelf and my plot work is impeccable. I’m a writer, just give me something to write."

I thought this was you talking to me and the other posters after your query letter had ended. This is not good stuff to put in a query letter. It gives the impression you are desperate, clawing and a bit of an amateur. Now, you may be those things (nothin' wrong with that) but your query letter cannot create that impression. A query has to be master-crafted, professional, respectful of the world you are entering. It will likely be read once and once only. It must zing from the first word to the last.

Yours needs work, absolutely no question about it. I can see (at a stretch) why it's possible no-one has responded to your letter. Browsing through the links posted above would be a great start.

Query letters are the one chance, the only chance, you have to get your foot in the door. When I was drafting my query letters I would spend days and days pouring over the wording, making sure they were as appealing as I could make them. There is a craft even to something as seemingly banal as drafting a query.

Also; I feel a query should detail one script and one script only. It should be your best piece, reflective of your skills as a writer. An agent reading through your three loglines and the little blurb about is likely to say, "Well. Send me the best one." Rather than offer a choice, spend the extra few lines telling that agent why this one piece is the best you've got and that it will be worth their time to read.

I hope this helps. Feel free to request elaboration. There are many skilled hands here at AW's screenwriting forum who will help dissect and improve your loglines if you ask nicely.

Don't take it personally. There are good query letters and there are bad. Better to fix yours now and try again than to never know the difference.

clockwork · Jul 5, 2006

gromhard said:
I might not be the best query writer around but it doesn't seem that anything in the query is so indicative my being a poor writer. We're talking agents here. And to top it off the screenplays are good. ANYTHING brought down to a log line sounds like crap.
I have friends who have script agents who haven't even COMPLETED a single script yet so it's not like these people are THAT discerning. Also Writer1 are you like a screenwriter...if so how did you get in the door?

Addendum-- You've got most of that ***-backwards.

Agents are discerning. More discerning than you'd ever like to believe. Understand that a lot of the time when reading a query, they are not looking for reasons to select you as they are reasons to reject you. The smallest trigger (bad spelling, poor logline construction, desperation or a thousand other ticks and whistles personal to that agent) can send you to the waste-basket.

"Anything brought down to a logline sounds crap." Perhaps. But that's the deal and you have to play by their rules. You can, at least, do your best to construct the best logline they've heard. In a minefield of unknowns and changing variables, that is something you have absolute control over - the words the agent will read.

razormoney · Jul 5, 2006

Gromhard

I think we all feel your pain.

Have you tried entering any of your scripts in a contest? I entered the first screenplay I ever wrote into a contest and it won an award. From now until eternity I can say I'm an "award-winning" screenwriter. It may not be much, but it sure could spruce up a query and get the agency's attention.

There are about a zillion festivals held in and around LA that you could submit your scripts too. Your proximity also allows you to actually attend the festivals, many of which have writing workshops and presentations by produced screenwriters. I know it costs a few bucks, but at least you will get something for your investment. Also, some of those festivals are great for making industry contacts. You never know -- do your homework and find out which ones are best for your needs. Heck, a limited number of contests even offer feedback/coverage as part of the entry fee.

I also just found a company called "The Screenplay Agency" that operates on a "no fee" basis and only gets paid if you get paid. I haven't seen it mentioned in these forums so I am not sure if anyone has had any positive experiences with them, so take my words with a grain of salt. Make sure (like I am) that they are legit before you commit to anything.

I would appreciate any info on "The Screenplay Agency" if anyone reading this thread has any good info on them.

Good luck G-man.

Razor

gromhard · Jul 5, 2006

Wow thanks Clockwork and Razor. This is the kind of stuff I was looking for. I'll spend a day or two writing new query letters with your information in mind.
And Odo, sorry you saw that, as you can see I deleted it but not quickly enough, apparently. I have a bit of a smart mouth on me sometimes.

WritingFool · Jul 5, 2006

Gromhard..I hope I can shoot you straight without you taking it too personal.

Everyone will do anything and everything for a chance to show how talented they feel they are, but how many are truly ready for a chance?

Your first test that shows if you have a glimpse of writing talent is going to be in your ability to not only gather a readers attention in those very descriptive words that are going to be able to sum up your ultra amazing concept within 25-35 carefully choosen words -- but its also going to have to involve describing a very marketable story.

If you had the writing skills you boasted about, then you left them somewhere before you started writing your post. Im not trying to keep you down, I wish you and everyone in here only the best of luck, and a chance to prove their talents -- but right now my friend, it doesnt seem like youre ready. Youre query shows you dont have an understanding of the rules that Hollywood goes by.

If anyone reads past that first Big Red Light, well then its your concepts themselves.
"they'll deal drugs and everythign they need to...but thats only the start"

That shows immaturity. As a writer and as a story. Even though youre not aiming to high with your estimated budget amounts, it still shows plain and clear your a NOOB who feels he doesnt have to learn the rules of the trade because he wants to do it his way. That also hints of sloppy, and unable to rewrite, meet deadlines in an effective time.

I can say theres 2, and more, very gifted writers that Ive seen here, who daily have displayed their own gift for writing. Joe and DPAT. Theyve put in much more time effort than you have, and they havent been signed -- that I know of, by an agency. Joe got optioned I know that much. But you dont have even half of the talent they have, so dont you dare whine about how its been 3 years for you.

I know 3 years seems alot of time and with nothing to show for it, but how can you really put a timeline on achieving a goal that holds too many uncontrollable circumstances, and much too much competition to it.
This isnt like saying I want to climb Mt whatever in 3 years, and Im going to -push myself this way and set deadlines, then its ultimately up to you and how deep you are willing to dig within yourself to push yourself to your goal.
This is screenwriting, where everyone wants a chance, many have wasted many more than 3 years and still didnt get what they hoped for.

A friend very dear to me is still striving after 7 years AFTER graduating from film school, working temp jobs, and lives paycheck to paycheck trying to keep his dream alive, and its almost sad to think that recently Ive made more headway than he has, and I havent paid as much dues as he has.

You gave 3 years of your life...I hope you dont think it was for nothing.
In that time you were writing, right?
You have been developing your skill, and maturing as a writer--one can only hope.
Perhaps youve banged on the doors and they werent opening. Well a different opportunity has presented itself to you -- the contest circuit.
You feel you have what it takes .. well. prove it.
Get your butt a job, to compliment your extra salary, you work weekends nights overtime to earn them entry fees, and you write re-write and rewrite some more, until you get the attention you believe you deserve.

Contests will give you a good reflection about just how good your writing is.

So, a new challenge for you presents itself today.
Youve come this far, to give up now well, would say two things about you.
Writing isnt your true passion, and you dont deserve the break you feel you do...cause you havent paid enough dues, and havent mastered a craft that cant be mastered in 3 years by just anyone who feels they want to write stories.

So I hope you keep fighting, and I wish you lots of luck if you stay with it.
If we can help, we are always here.

Call it tough Love

Just know youre going to get an aweful lot worse if you ever do get your foot in the door.

I knew I should have PMed this to him..hey dpat...if you can...delete this and send it private to him.

ShawnW · Jul 5, 2006

Dude, I have been exactly where you are. I washed out after only three months. The first two were some of the best in my life. The last was definatly the worst.

I moved from Alaska to California - WITH A JOB! I'd been doing GC contract art for three years. A company I respected and did alot of work for, offered to bring me in full time if I was willing to relocate. I packed up my wife and kid and was there before they could change their minds.

Two months later the company folder.

I spent the last month in a roach infested hostil down town. We spend our last $600 to get a cab and a plane to Albuquerque, where we lived with my father for three months. I was working graveyards at a gas station, tring to get back on my feet... My wife took my kid and left me.

I've never been that low man.

Now, I'm doing great. I still make no money, but I have a job I enjoy, and I pour my heart and soul into my art every night. I've accepted that I wasn't ready, that I may never be ready.

I've accepted that there are too many people out there, who may not have the passion that I do, but are simply gifted beyond my abiliteis.

So now I do this for myself.

For the past three years I've worked on CG models, developed a story, shot thousands of photographs, developed a comic book, and am now working on a screenplay.

When it's done I'll create a pre-vis fop the entire picture using the art from the comic. I'll make it amazing. If that's the closest it gets to film I can still die a happy man.

My vision will be a reality, if only to myself and my friends. That's enough for me.

I haven't given up, and I'm not telling you to give up, but when the decision comes, know that life goes on in either direction.

As long as you do what you love, you'll never fail.

^My sappy two cents, but I mean every word of it. You'll be okay man.

Boo_Radley · Jul 5, 2006

A couple things...

1. Say I'm an agent. I'm reading your query. What's this? You're including estimated budgets. Whose estimate? Can you back it up? Where did you come up with those figures? I want to know. If all it is, is speculation on your part, well...it's your business to write, not to tell me how much it would cost. What if I got a name actor attached to it? Tom Cruise charges 20 mil a flick. So much for you 100K budget. Leave what you think the budget would be out of it; leave that up to the producer I'm going to show your script to.

2. Anytime you query, you are querying about your "latest" script. Not the one before it. Not the one you're going to write next. Save them for their own query letters. You want that agent/studio/producer/exec to salivate over this one story. If they say they want to read it, send it to them. If they don't like that particular script but think you've got skills, THEN they'll ask you what else you have.

3. "I know this letter might sound cheesy but I’m trying to get your attention in the shortest way possible. I can easily send off treatments or the full scripts to any of those three. You should know, I am not married to any of these ideas. I’m always willing to re-work and re-write, whatever it takes to make you and me a little change. -- This is pandering, bro. You're coming off as desperate, more willing to connive or cajole than write the best script you possibly can and let your work speak for itself. Saying you're willing to rewrite is both ludicrous and an insult; if you're at all serious about this business, OF COURSE you'd be willing to rewite. But saying you're willing to rewrite is like telling the reader that you have no faith in your own material.

4. Currently I’m working on a feature dramatic comedy in the vein of American Beauty, a guy coming to terms with his place in the grown-up world and hopefully in a week or so I’ll begin my fourth action script which I’m currently thinking up involving Matrix/Equilibrium type kung fu and sci-fi. -- Again, say I'm an agent. "What do I care what you're currently working on? I can't sell something that's not there yet. Wait...how many scripts have you written? Four? Well, anyone in this biz knows most screenwriters don't even hit their stride before the sixth or seventh one. Oh, what's this...great. More Matrix stuff. That is SO 1999..." Leave every single bit of that out. There's a section of your query where you should list any credits you have; if you don't have any, no worries. Don't worry about the "credits" part, and most definitely to not sell your inexperience.

5. Please if you like any of my ideas give me a call, write me back, summon me to your office. Also if you need a writer for other ideas or for TV then I’d love that too. My dialogue is top-shelf and my plot work is impeccable. I’m a writer, just give me something to write. -- The first half of this, again, is pandering. In the second half you come off as conceited. And you're not a writer yet...in this biz, you're not a writer until someone's paid you money to buy one of your scripts. Until then you're an amateur, you're aspirant, you're looking to break in. You're unproven. My dog can tell me he's a cat all he wants, but until I've seen him meow and crap in a litter box, I don't believe him for a second.

Keep in mind I'm not attempting to be rude. Just trying to give you an idea of what your query letters look like to industry pros who read tons of these things every week.

If you really want to impress someone with a query letter, you need to grab their interest. Query letters are quite often just as difficult to write as your script itself. Draw me in with your logline or concept. Give me a paragraph of your basic story to chew on. If you have any special qualifications (if your script is about a fireman and you just retired from the fire department, that's a qualification) or any past professional experience (if you've been optioned or purchased before, by whom? Oh, this script was in a contest? How did it do?), let me know. Then thank me kindly for my time and be sure to include your name, address and phone number in case I want to request your script. No, no, thank you...for such a wonderful and appealing query letter.

Best of luck. Keep writing.

- Lon

gromhard · Jul 6, 2006

What's the point of writing query letters if no one is going to respond either thumbs up or thumbs down? I more think query letters aren't done anymore.

I mean, I was being kinda tongue-in-cheek with the "why haven't they responded" it's quite obvious why they haven't responded. Whether or not I'm a good writer or the letter sucked is besides the point. They're unprofessional individuals.

I gave them SASEs to respond with, I left a local telephone number. I don't care if they liked or didn't like the ideas I'm making the accusation, they're NOT READING THE LETTERS.

Can anyone here tell me that in the past 2 or 3 years they've recieved word back while querying Hollywood Agents.
I thank everyone (except tough love Fool

) for their query letter and contest advise but the question is still driving me bonkers...are they even READING query letters anymore?

If you haven't tried to write a Hollywood lit agent in the last few years then don't respond. If you have, I want to hear exactly what happened.

Grom

dpaterso · Jul 6, 2006

Sorry, I got no advice, I just want to say there are some friggin heart-rending stories here.

Useless stats: out of the 100s of queries I've submitted over the last couple of years, I've received maybe a half-dozen replies (via email, and usually from polite European prodcos). From the 7 or 8 requested screenplay submissions... no replies. Nada. Landfill.

Useless and oft-repeated "facts": they say prodcos and agents get 100s of queries each week, they read 'em and toss 'em if they don't ding a bell, no time for replies even if there's SASEs. Friggin rude, but that's the harsh way of the world, apparently.

-Derek
My Web Page - naked women, bestial sex, and whopping big lies.
Take the critiques you get with a grain of salt. Invariably, some of the critics will be kooks, bitter curmudgeons, or complete fools. ~odocoileus

gromhard · Jul 6, 2006

dpaterso said:
Sorry, I got no advice, I just want to say there are some friggin heart-rending stories here.

Useless stats:

I could KISS you. Those stats were ANYTHING but useless. That's all I wanted to know, was I the only one this happened to? Now I know I'm not alone.

clockwork · Jul 6, 2006

gromhard said:
What's the point of writing query letters if no one is going to respond either thumbs up or thumbs down? I more think query letters aren't done anymore. I mean, I was being kinda tongue-in-cheek with the "why haven't they responded" it's quite obvious why they haven't responded. Whether or not I'm a good writer or the letter sucked is besides the point. They're unprofessional individuals.

The thing is, and I mean this with all due respect, your query letter was not professional. If you can't be professional in your approach, why should they be professional in their reply?

I don't mean to suggest you threw your letter together without a thought. I don't mean you're flippant. I don't mean you don't care about your work or the idea that you want someone to represent you. I mean your letter does not present you the way you probably think it does. It is unfocused and wordy. Your loglines are poorly constructed. You reveal too much about yourself.

I know you have a short temper and I don't want to reap the whirlwind so let me outline what I think is a good query letter. Bare in mind, there is no magic formula for this but there are a few things that every good query letter should contain.

1. Utter professionalism. There are folks who get away with funny or goofy letters but they are an absolute crapshoot. You are writing to someone you have never met, whom you supposedly respect and who you are asking to take time out of their hugely busy schedule to read something that could turn out to be a waste of time. That necessitates the tone of your letter; confident, enthusiastic, respectful.

2. One script logline/synopsis. A paragraph that explains the story, sets up the main character and his journey, the obstacles to that journey, what is at stake and a general idea of tone/audience. These are an art form unto themselves.

3. I would always put in a line or two about why you are writing to this person, why you have chosen them. Tell them where you heard about their agency but keep it brief.

4. End positively. Reiterate your belief in your work and your desire to get it made.

5. Be professional. Worth mentioning twice.

So, against my better, non-spoon-feeding judgement, a good query letter might go something like;

***********************************************

Dear Mr. Kersh, (always, always send it to an individual, never Sir/Madam)

I have recently completed a screenplay for a feature film entitled 23 Hours War. Per your company's listing in The Writers' and Artists' Yearbook, (or whatever) I feel this is the type of work you may be looking for.

When Rick Cruz, a young Department of Justice Agent agrees to go undercover inside of one of California’s worst Super Max Prisons to root out the details of an imminent terrorist attack, he is thrust into a violent world of murderers, rapists and crooked cops. As Rick forms an unlikely allegiance with the prison's 'White Pride of Virginia' group and the particulars of the terrorist plot are revealed, word begins to circulate amongst the prisoners: an undercover cop is amongst us. With time running out and the bad guys closing in, Rick must find a way to stop the attack without revealing his true identity.

(This is obviously not your story and something I quite literally just threw together but you should be able to see how revealing enough of the plot suggests the promise of conflict and drama. It also more firmly establishes tone/audience and leaves the reader hanging just enough to want to know more.)

As well as 23 Hours War I have also written two other feature film scripts and two television pilots, one of which was recently placed in the semi-finals of the 2006 International Screenwriting Competition.

(Or something to show them you have other ideas and are prolific in your writing. Do not talk about these projects though. That will distract from the synopsis above. Simply state you have more work to come.)

23 Hours War, I feel, is a unique and engaging script that an audience would find gripping and dramatic. If you would like to read it, I will happily sign your standard release form and get you the script as soon as possible. In any case, thank you for your time and kind consideration.

Yours sincerely/Best wishes/Kind regards

Me.

******************************

It's not gold but it's getting there. Starting with this outline and modifying the details, accenting the structure to suit your work would be a great next step. I hope, at least, you can see the differences between this one and yours and why this one is more likely to get you responses. I'd urge you to try querying again.

Agents are reading query letters, they are always keeping an eye out for new talent but your letter absolutely, positively, without a doubt must zing, zing zing.

clockwork · Jul 6, 2006

ShawnW said:
Dude, I have been exactly where you are. I washed out after only three months. The first two were some of the best in my life. The last was definatly the worst.

Shawn, I have nothing but respect for people who go through a hell like that and come out as positive and upbeat as you.

God bless ya.

xhouseboy · Jul 6, 2006

razormoney I also just found a company called "The Screenplay Agency" that operates on a "no fee" basis and only gets paid if you get paid. I haven't seen it mentioned in these forums so I am not sure if anyone has had any positive experiences with them said:
An absolute scam. Avoid like the plague.

Boo_Radley · Jul 6, 2006

What he said. Lots of threads around here which explain how the Screenplay Agency (or whatever they're calling themselves this week) is a complete and total scam. It's like the Milli Vanilli of literary agencies.

dpaterso · Jul 6, 2006

The Bewares and Background Check board has a thread on The Screenplay Agency:

http://absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=20359

-Derek
My Web Page - naked women, bestial sex, and whopping big lies.
Take the critiques you get with a grain of salt. Invariably, some of the critics will be kooks, bitter curmudgeons, or complete fools. ~odocoileus

WritingFool · Jul 6, 2006

Gromhard, everyones tossed in a few pointers about how to help you with your query. I only hope that youre story doesnt have as many holes as your query, because sometimes no response is better than the blatant response you can get from some people whom you contact time and time again.

You seem very naive about the business you are trying to get into, and that could be a good thing if youre not too sensitive on criticism.
But you will have to form the thickest skin, and not be so tempered should you meet adversity, or rejection.
This is a business where people dont think less of you, they just dont even think about you unless you can do something for them. you are less then a spec of dust to them. Todays buddy is tomorrows enemy, and its all cut throat what have you done for me today.
So if youre whining about how unprofessional a lack of response is, I say you might have to wake up and look around-cause you are as far from Kansas as you can get.

Secondly. Do you know the road you are choosing to take is probably the most difficult.
Youre trying to hunt down an agent!
Hmmm..thats no easy task.
Yet you seem to think you are going to somehow stand out from the many many individuals who contact them (sorry to have to add) with more writing ability.
Its time to try a different approach -- otherwise you can waste another 3 years banging your head against the Agents closed door.

If youre stories are as good as you say, then youll have absolutely no trouble placing or even winning a few contests.
Thats when you'll see how the agents will be more interested in what youre doing. Theres no ands ifs or shortcuts around that -- this is probably the only card you can play right now.

Do you know just how hard it is to get an agents attention, is my question to you?

Through this struggle, I only hope you continue to write, study and rewrite.
Good luck!

We're all rooting for you believing it or not!

razormoney · Jul 6, 2006

Thanks DPAT

For the info on The Screenplay Agency. That entire thread is very interesting and informative.

Have I said lately how much I love this forum?

Razor

Writer1 · Jul 6, 2006

gromhard said:
Here's one of my query letters. The others I've sent out are all along this vein.

Kind Agents and Readers at The Morgan Agency,
Hello, my name is Greg Harding and I’m a writer who has been living in Los Angeles for the last three years. I’ve written three full length feature screenplays that I think are ready for representation.
1. 23 Hour War- 101 Pages: Action/Prison Est. Budget < 100,000$
Rick Cruz a young Department of Justice Agent agrees to go undercover into the depths of one of California’s worst Super Max Prisons. Inside it’s a new world where he’s forced to fight and make gang alliances just to survive…

2. Dealers- 120 Pages: Action/Crime Est. Budget 1-5mil$
Four friends, recently laid off from corporate work decide to turn to dealing drugs to get by. They’ll deal only what they need and only as long as they need to, at least that’s how it starts….

3. Piper- 120 Pages: Action / Suspense / Horror Budget: 1-5 mil$
A violent, crime ridden city’s mayor makes a deal with a mysterious man to end the crime wave. The man does, by hunting down the gangs and drug dealers one by one. When he comes for his payment, the mayor tries to wash his hands of the entire affair. The killer then decides it’s time to begin to pick the city’s police officers off, one by one…

I know this letter might sound cheesy but I’m trying to get your attention in the shortest way possible. I can easily send off treatments or the full scripts to any of those three. You should know, I am not married to any of these ideas. I’m always willing to re-work and re-write, whatever it takes to make you and me a little change.

Currently I’m working on a feature dramatic comedy in the vein of American Beauty, a guy coming to terms with his place in the grown-up world and hopefully in a week or so I’ll begin my fourth action script which I’m currently thinking up involving Matrix/Equilibrium type kung fu and sci-fi.
Please if you like any of my ideas give me a call, write me back, summon me to your office. Also if you need a writer for other ideas or for TV then I’d love that too. My dialogue is top-shelf and my plot work is impeccable. I’m a writer, just give me something to write.
Thanks for your time!

--And then my address and phone numbers. I mean a query is supposed to get you in the door. I might not be the best query writer around but it doesn't seem that anything in the query is so indicative my being a poor writer. We're talking agents here. And to top it off the screenplays are good. ANYTHING brought down to a log line sounds like crap.
I have friends who have script agents who haven't even COMPLETED a single script yet so it's not like these people are THAT discerning. Also Writer1 are you like a screenwriter...if so how did you get in the door?

The most I've accomplished is to option a screenplay....from a blind query to a prodco in LA.

zeprosnepsid · Jul 6, 2006

As noted, your query needs work. Also, the reason you are probably not getting responses is because as soon as they see you are querying more than one screenplay they probably throw the whole thing out. They really may not be reading it. There's a certain set up for queries and if yours isn't set up correctly, it's probably not being read.

Loglines may be boring, but it comes down to what a production company is looking for. The intern opening up your queries will probably start with the logline or genre of your script. If it's not what they're looking for, they'll throw it out. You are not psychic, you cannot know what they're looking for, but if it's not easy for them to tell by a quick glance at your letter what your script is then they'll throw it out.

Make it as easy on yourself as possibly by querying correctly.

As for being in Los Angeles, here are a few things. What would you do for work when you go home? I doubt it isn't anything you can't do in Los Angeles. Get a real job and you'll be able to stay 3 more years at least.

Second, why are you in Los Angeles? If you haven't made any contacts in 3 years then you may as well be writing and sending out your queries from Idaho. Make connections. It's not hard. Did you go to the LA Film Festival? Do you write at coffee houses? (At least you can be with other miserable writers). As an extra you should have met a lot of other people trying to make it in the industry. Exchange e-mail addresses, stay in touch. A friend of mine was out of work for a few years and now she's a story editor. If I could ever finish a script, I know several people, over the readers heads, that I can give it to. You could easily too. Make friends or there's no reason to be in LA.

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