using suddenly or...?

similan · May 3, 2006

Using suddenly just doesn't look right to me.
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INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

man gets up from bed to bathroom, eyes still closed, scratches his behind then reaches for the doorknob, SUDDENLY knob turns into a hand then the door morphs into a nightmarish fiend.

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INT. HELICOPTER - NIGHT

Stray dog maintains vistual as he overtakes Lead dog. SUDDENLY, he sees commotion inside Lead dog's cockpit, rapid muzzle flashes then both men slump forward.[font=&quot]

[/font]

[font=&quot]STRAY DOG[/font]

[font=&quot]What the hell? [/font][font=&quot]
[/font]

[font=&quot]SUDDENLY, Lead dog's aft sliding door blows out and tumbles away. Something leaps out, lands on the tailboom of of Stray dog's helicopter. He hears something claws its way towards the cockpit. He stares at the door when SUDDENLY it's ripped open. Something crawls inside...

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EXT. PARK - RAINING - NIGHT

Seven Angels dance in the rain. SUDDENLY, one of the Angels hears a cry from afar. She tells the other to stop and listen. [/font]

BOY

Hi my Angel, I know I've been bad but if you're there...

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In a horror story, I'd hate to repeatedly use suddenly in one script as I did mine. So how do I write those many moments where things happen in an abrupt manner? Even if it's not a horror as shown in the last example. English is my second language, so please help me out.

EDIT:

Also, in the second one, is it ok to say "something crawl inside"? Or do I need to be more specific even when it's not clear to the pilot what he's looking at?

Thanks

[font=&quot]

[/font]

clockwork · May 3, 2006

My two cents;

Adverbs in screenplays are usually to be avoided. They often get in the way and have the effect of diminishing the power of the actions taking place.

How about stressing the action instead of the 'suddenly' moments:

Yours;

Stray dog maintains vistual as he overtakes Lead dog. SUDDENLY, he sees commotion inside Lead dog's cockpit, rapid muzzle flashes then both men slump forward.

How about;

Stray dog maintains vistual as he overtakes Lead dog. Commotion inside Lead dog's cockpit. Rapid MUZZLE FLASHES. Both men slump forward.

And yours again;

[font=&quot]Seven Angels dance in the rain. SUDDENLY, one of the Angels hears a cry from afar. She tells the other to stop and listen.

How about;

[/font][font=&quot]Seven Angels dance in the rain. One of the Angels hears a CRY from afar.

The line--

She tells the other to stop and listen.

--doesn't make a lot of sense because surely she would just do this through the dialog. Eg. ANGEL: Stop and listen!
[/font]
I don't capitalise words in the text descriptions myself. (Except for introducing characters, of course.) I just write it as normal. Plenty of writers do capitalise words and they do it well but it's not my cup of tea.

But your instinct about the suddenly stuff is pretty accurate. A few here and there won't ruffle the feathers but limit their use. You can probably see that they are pretty redundant anyway. They add very little to your pacing.

clockwork · May 3, 2006

similan said:
EDIT:

Also, in the second one, is it ok to say "something crawl inside"? Or do I need to be more specific even when it's not clear to the pilot what he's looking at?

Thanks

I'd go for something more specific without nailing it down. Say, "A black shape crawls inside," or "something quick and slimy" or "a shadow passes over Stray Dog." Give us something at least.

Btw, what the hell is this story about? Angels and fiends and monsters inside airplanes and helicopters taking guys out and jumping around and ripping things open and stuff. Sounds pretty freaky. :scared:

similan · May 3, 2006

Thank you! It bothers the heck out of me so much that I waste minutes staring at the monitor, contemplating if I should use it.

So I don't have to emphasize the action and just write, door bursts open and be done with it. The reader will understand that it should scare the heck out of the character standing next or near it.

Phew, that's a load off my chest.

Really, thanks! I'm the type that if I am uncertain, I cannot, refuse to move on...maybe it's my ADD. heh

EDIT:

They are three separate stories. The helicopter one is done. I posted portion of it for a feed back here.

http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?p=563307#post563307

The hand one is what I am working on now called The After Effect. Angel one I wrote for my daughter. It's a short story/poem.

clockwork · May 3, 2006

Ah, gotcha. I was gonna say... it sounded like three random scenes from some epic 3 hour Nightwatch/Wings of Desire/Underworld crossover

Yeah, trust your instincts and if you can't trust your instincts, remove the offending word/phrase anyway and see how it reads without it. Chances are it'll be better. Less is more is a good way of doing it.

And yeah I remember your previous post but I got to it a bit late and everything had been pretty much said.

Good luck!

similan · May 3, 2006

clock_work9,

Thanks again. Much appreciation for your help. And good luck to you as well.

Cheers

using suddenly or...?

similan

clockwork

In the zone...

clockwork

In the zone...

similan

clockwork

In the zone...

similan