The following post is meant ONLY as a self-denigrating humour attempt caused by my own ineptitude. Sheesh, Veinglory scared me so bad I have suddenly become politically correct conscious (humour here).
I had an urge to try my hand at writing romance novels so I talked my wife into borrowing a bunch of books from one of her girlfriends. I read every one of those books in order to catch a glimpse as to what constitutes "romance" - and I must admit I don't think I can write in this genre. I read at least twenty different author's books and they all read the same.
Are women out of their minds when they write this stuff? I studied phrases like: "His swollen manhood pressed against her" _ now just what is a man's hood and how did it get swollen. I am a sixty-two year old male and never have I discovered any semblance of a hood anywhere on my body, and if I did have a hood I sure wouldn't want to cause it to get swollen.
"His thumb pressed against the center of her universe, causing waves of ecstasy to course through her breast." - Now this is a good one! Center of her universe - what is that? And using his thumb? Either I am more naive than even I thought or the female body has things going on I never heard of.
"He held her in his strong masculine arms, his muscles rippling with the desire to kiss her." - This one is really a no-brainer, since it is obviously a male holding a female even I can figure out that "his" means male - so logically I would presume "masculine" would be a given. Now I have managed to kiss a few ladies in my time, but I can never recall a single instance when my masculine muscular strong arms rippled with desire to kiss someone. I can remember when my lips seemed to have a life of their own as they came into contact with her lips - but they certainly did not ripple.
I won't even attempt to list the various sentence structures used to describe the sexual act itelf, but almost every single one of them made me chuckle with amusement. What is it with the feminine mind which can turn a most enjoyable interlude into a cataclysmic sensual orgasm simply because some unshaved ruffian smiles at her and she thinks she can win his heart by holding back? I don't know, but I believe romance novels are way beyond my ability. Do women actually believe this stuff? If I attempted to "romance" my wife the way men do in these stories she would throw me out in a second.
Many, many years ago I was hitch hiking across the country and landed a job near Franklin, Kentucky at a truck stop. At this truck stop there were at least six "waitresses" at all times on duty. This puzzled me for a few days until I learned they were waitresses only when they were not busy in one of the bedrooms with customers. I was young back then and felt I had arrived in a young man's concept of true heaven. As I worked around the place cleaning, washing dishes, mopping, short order cooking, pumping gas into the big rigs, I was allowed to partake of the various pleasures the ladies offered - and at no charge. I even was allowed to give massages, do their hair, etc., learning all kinds of fantastic things during my tenure at that truck stop. Not once, I mean not even once, did any of those ladies ever act like women do in romance novels - never. I would have stayed there forever if some redneck bubba sheriff hadn't raided the place, at which time I moved on.
I had an urge to try my hand at writing romance novels so I talked my wife into borrowing a bunch of books from one of her girlfriends. I read every one of those books in order to catch a glimpse as to what constitutes "romance" - and I must admit I don't think I can write in this genre. I read at least twenty different author's books and they all read the same.
Are women out of their minds when they write this stuff? I studied phrases like: "His swollen manhood pressed against her" _ now just what is a man's hood and how did it get swollen. I am a sixty-two year old male and never have I discovered any semblance of a hood anywhere on my body, and if I did have a hood I sure wouldn't want to cause it to get swollen.
"His thumb pressed against the center of her universe, causing waves of ecstasy to course through her breast." - Now this is a good one! Center of her universe - what is that? And using his thumb? Either I am more naive than even I thought or the female body has things going on I never heard of.
"He held her in his strong masculine arms, his muscles rippling with the desire to kiss her." - This one is really a no-brainer, since it is obviously a male holding a female even I can figure out that "his" means male - so logically I would presume "masculine" would be a given. Now I have managed to kiss a few ladies in my time, but I can never recall a single instance when my masculine muscular strong arms rippled with desire to kiss someone. I can remember when my lips seemed to have a life of their own as they came into contact with her lips - but they certainly did not ripple.
I won't even attempt to list the various sentence structures used to describe the sexual act itelf, but almost every single one of them made me chuckle with amusement. What is it with the feminine mind which can turn a most enjoyable interlude into a cataclysmic sensual orgasm simply because some unshaved ruffian smiles at her and she thinks she can win his heart by holding back? I don't know, but I believe romance novels are way beyond my ability. Do women actually believe this stuff? If I attempted to "romance" my wife the way men do in these stories she would throw me out in a second.
Many, many years ago I was hitch hiking across the country and landed a job near Franklin, Kentucky at a truck stop. At this truck stop there were at least six "waitresses" at all times on duty. This puzzled me for a few days until I learned they were waitresses only when they were not busy in one of the bedrooms with customers. I was young back then and felt I had arrived in a young man's concept of true heaven. As I worked around the place cleaning, washing dishes, mopping, short order cooking, pumping gas into the big rigs, I was allowed to partake of the various pleasures the ladies offered - and at no charge. I even was allowed to give massages, do their hair, etc., learning all kinds of fantastic things during my tenure at that truck stop. Not once, I mean not even once, did any of those ladies ever act like women do in romance novels - never. I would have stayed there forever if some redneck bubba sheriff hadn't raided the place, at which time I moved on.
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Most of the bookstores I know classify her in fiction, mystery, or even horror. She also writes as Elizabeth Peters, and she's an Egyptologist as well I believe.