quere letter

Disclaimer: My opinion is not worth much on this subject.


But .. eerk.

1. Check the spelling & typos. Several typos lept out at me while reading it.

2. "Your companies production record has the great success I have found lacking elsewhere."

That sounds very 'brown nose'. It sounds so vague it seems just a generic statement.
It's like saying "Your production record is better than Spielberg, Pixar etc" - which is clearly wrong.

3. "My current idea" ... "My project idea"
If it is just an idea than it is almost worthless. Ideas are two a penny. Is it a screenplay?

Also, I know others will disagree, but I'm not sure I see the point in having a complete synopsis but not including it.

If they are interested, they might as well get the script mailed to them and skip the synopsis. After all, the synopsis could be great but the screenplay still terrible.

The total avoidance of the word 'screenplay' seems like you haven't written it yet.

Good luck,

Mac

Also, assume they know how voice mail works, you don't need to explain this. Nor do they need to know that you check phone and email messages frequently throughout the day.

I'd kick off the query letter with a straightforward explanation,

This is a pitch for a new high concept reality TV show with wide audience appeal.

That's your major selling point. Don't hide this away under "GENRE" -- stick it right in front of their noses so they see it right away and know what they're dealing with.

-Derek
My Web Page - naked women, bestial sex, and whopping big lies.
Take the critiques you get with a grain of salt. Invariably, some of the critics will be kooks, bitter curmudgeons, or complete fools. ~odocoileus

as quere letters go, it's the best I've ever read.

i've always thought query letters as a way to pitch out your idea as fast as possible on paper. So i'd think maybe to try and lose all the extra mumbo jumbo in the beginning. Give one line introduction on your script, then head straight to the logline or short synopsis.

i dunno. Just my idea of it.

clandis88 said:

I have found your company listed on (source), and researched information regarding your companies work. Your companies production record has the great success I have found lacking elsewhere.

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It's company's not companies. You pull that nonesense with a bona fide production company and your letter will be unceremoniously tossed. Plus, if you're sticking with that wording, you don't want to use the word company/company's three times in the first paragraph.

As for the wording, I see what you're doing here but so will the company. It is a bit much. No harm in complimenting them on their company or their work but something less suck-up along the lines of, "I loved your show SpeedMonkey and feel my script FunnyBitch is the kind of work you're looking for. FunnyBitch is the story of..." FYI, this is not exactly as I would word it but it is along those lines. You have to understand that back in the days of writing query letters, I could spend daaaaaaaaaayyyss coming up with the right wording. It's the first and only chance you have to speak to these people. It has to be better than perfect. I got a meeting with a UK prodoco based on a query - well, no, I got a request for a script based on a query and a meeting based on the script but at the meeting, I asked about my query letter and the exec told me she found it to be confident, borderline cocky but she really liked that. So that just goes to show you that querying is a massive sh*t-twister and you have no idea how people are going to perceive your work. The best you can do, the least you can do, is make it brief, sharp and professional. And as long as we're being professional...

clandis88 said:

CONTACT INFO: I can be reached at (email address), or at (123) 456 7890 any time, day or night. If my voice mail picks up, the greeting will say you have reached (123) 456 7890, please leave a message. I check both phone and email messages frequently throughout the day. You may also contact me at

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This reeks of desperation. Be cool and professional. Put your contact details on your letter just as you would if you were writing to anyone else. These people are smart enough to be able to find your address and phone number if they want it. You don't need to tell them that you have a cell phone in case your landline goes down and that you are going out right now to buy a second battery that you will keep on constant stand by charge in the event that the first ones dies and they're trying to call you.

I mean, come on... "I can be reached... any time, day or night?" What are you, a screenwriter or the suicide hotline?


I'm not trying to be mean, I did find your letter endearing but just tone it down, OK? You know, the most important part of any query letter is the bit you didn't ask us for help with! You can write the best letter in the world but unless the details of your pitch are up to scratch, it won't matter. Are you sure your logline is the best it can be?

So, I'm guessing you were born in 1988, and you turn(ed) 18 this year?

While there's nothing wrong with starting as young as possible, a good college education can give the aspiring writer the polish he or she needs to make a truly professional presentation.

Your presentation so far hasn't been professional. Spelling errors, grammatical errors, and typos can and will be held against you. This is partly because many of the gatekeepers have degrees from the better public and private universities, and they tend to judge everyone and everything by the standards of those institutions. It's also because the marketplace is extremely competitive, and the gatekeepers are looking for reasons to discard your proposal/pitch/script.

It's not that people who can't spell or don't use correct grammar can't be great storytellers and have great ideas. It's that most of these people will be disqualified before they really get a chance to show what they can do.

All that said (Don't you love lectures from self appointed experts? ) )
Check out these links for query letters:

http://www.twoadverbs.com/sc/forum/viewforum.php?f=31

http://www.ibiblio.org/cdeemer/cfs0302.htm

It's "query."

It's wordy. The opening paragraph is too long. The closing/contact info paragraph is too long. And I can only guess that your synopsis would be too wordy as well. Cut, trim, and be concise.

Nix the whole first paragraph and start with the hook of what you are selling.

And ditto on most of what everybody else said.