When a husband doesn't want his wife to have a career...

I would say it boils down to his self esteem. If he has a healthy one he would encourage his wife's wanting a career.

If not, he may not want her out in the 'real world' for fear she'll meet someone else or perhaps succeed in things he has not. Or, could be a control issue. She's dependent upon him because he holds the 'purse strings'.

I know of women whose husbands have money and they set their wives up in business. If it succeeds--great--if not, it's a tax write off.

Sometimes it's a religious issue.

Not that that was ever an issue in my marriage,
Chac

The city nearest me has a sizeable Italian-American population, with many 20- and 30-somethings born here to parents from Italy. While the younger generation seems fully American in every way, surprising numbers of the guys consider it an insult to their manhood if their wives work.

It seems to be a blue-collar thing, mostly. The more educated men are as enlightened as anyone about the benefits of a woman working if she wants to or if her income is needed. But those blue-collar guys feel that 'their woman' working is a slap in the face, an announcement that he isn't a good enough provider. It doesn't seem to matter if her income is necessary, or provides extras they both enjoy, or if she just loves what she does.

Maryn, whose daughter dated guys like that--but not for long

If you're looking for a good and comprehensive answer to this question, you might examine it from the basis of cultural anthropology.


I live in Asia, and I can assure you that many men do not want their woman to work, and in turn, many women do not want to work. But, over here, the modern world and economics conflicts with traditional mores.

Anthropology will tell you this, and much more. As a westerner who has lived overseas for a total of 16 years (to date), I can tell you that there is a lot more to this than the easy answer provided by the famous and much
over-rated, US-generated 'pop psychology'.

ATP

There are still men that do not want their wives to work. Probably everyones idea of this stems mostly from folks in areas where they live? It isn't uncommon at all in my area for women not to work because their husbands do not want them to. Of course, others (men) insist on it.

Some Reasons:

Can't make enough for it to be worthwhile. This is true especially in small town areas where there aren't well paying jobs. If you have more than one child, expenses for day care, clothing, gas, etc. would eat up more than the wife would bring home.

Some guys do not deal well with their wives making more money than they do.

I've noticed men who's Moms worked are more receptive to their wives working in many instances. . .if their Mom didn't work, then they may be more reluctant.

I've worked with women in the past who have worked solely for their own spending money. Every cent they made went for their pleasure, trips, clothing, etc.

Sometimes not wanting their wives to work boils down to the plain old control issue.

Fern said:

Sometimes not wanting their wives to work boils down to the plain old control issue.

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Bingo.

This is an abusive trait. When you see this going on in a marriage, it's only a precursor to things to come. Or things already going on.....

No flames, please. I consider myself an authority on abusive behaviors and the victims of them.

The most obvious reason, and the one I immediately thought of, was childcare, but I see you do not mention children and I assume they are childless. In that case, in the Western world, I'd put it down to self-esteem, the feeling that he has to provide, which in turn is a handed-down attitude.

In other societies, of course, women are glad when they don't "have" to work, and a man might be amazed that she would!

The control issue boils down to money: when a woman is dependant on the man for money, she wil have to ask before she does anything. If she is earning her own, she aquires the confidence of not having to ask. Money in our society equals independence, and also status. That's a big one.

I have to agree with Aruna.

She said the first thing that popped into my mind also when reading the tread starter.

Another reason could be jealousy - perhaps he's afraid she might meet attractive men! Especially if she is pretty.....

As an aside, do you think that women with a handsome husband don't worry about him being tempted/ensnared by other women from the office or other place?

I have had a local woman say to me in passing, that as a woman, you (she) would choose a man that might be a little handsome (?!), but not so handsome as to have to worry about other women trying to catch him!!

And don't most affairs for men occur with someone from either the workplace or other directly work-related place?

Domesticity - children, patterned existences, mortgage, thickening/dropping bodies - and all its trappings has a way of squelching the romance from a relationship.

ATP

My dad didn't want my mom to work (and she didn't have a burning desire to work, either,) because he wanted her to be available to do things with him when he was off.

He owned his own business (car dealership) and wanted her to be available for vacations, golfing, etc.

eldragon said:

My dad didn't want my mom to work (and she didn't have a burning desire to work, either,) because he wanted her to be available to do things with him when he was off.

He owned his own business (car dealership) and wanted her to be available for vacations, golfing, etc.

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That's the cutest reason I've ever heard!

Olivia McPhee said:

This is an abusive trait. When you see this going on in a marriage, it's only a precursor to things to come. Or things already going on.....

No flames, please. I consider myself an authority on abusive behaviors and the victims of them.

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I believe it CAN be an abusive trait, but isn't ALWAYS an abusive trait. Sometimes its simply what they were brought up believing.

Some of this behavior is also generational.

Back in the day (early 70's), my dad felt that it would have reflected badly on him if my mother worked. The men that he socialized with were able to "support" their families. My dad could too, but my mom wanted to do something productive once the kids were at school. My dad wanted her to be fulfilled but was almost mortified of the stigma of what the other men in his social circle might think.

The social aspect may be stronger than we think.

PS. My mom went and got her career and has been plugging away ever since and my dad loves it! And she has been a huge inspiration to her daughters who grew up in a "man's world".

My husband doesn't want me working outside the home - he'd like me to be at home to see him off in the morning and welcome him home at the end of the day. If we have kids, he'd like me to be home to care for them.

Thing is, I'm in complete agreement with him.

This is not about abuse or control or money or temptation.

This is about wanting less stress and a more genial, happy household.

This is also about what works for us, and you don't have to agree with it, but to call it abusive or controlling is missing everything that's great and fantastic about our lifestyle choices.

Yes, he's Asian - Sri Lankan - but he's also lived in other parts of the world like Saudi Arabia and the US, so he's not completely Sri Lankan by culture. He's been westernized to some degree. I'm Canadian.

I supported myself for a lot of years, and it's tiring. I don't want to do it anymore. I hate the stress associated with working. I'm more than happy to piddle around the house doing this or that or whatever. Now he works from home, and we're in each other's faces 24/7, and it works far, far better than I would ever have expected.

Abusers were brought up believing abuse was acceptable. It's a learned behavior. If both parties agree on one career being enough for them, that's great. I meant it's abusive from the standpoint, "I want a career" - "No, you can't have one".

Olivia, thank you for clarifying your thoughts. It wasn't clear that that was what you meant from your first post.

jen.nifer said:

Okay, this is regarding the idea of a husband not wanting his wife to work and establishing possible reasons why. And if the wife opposed the idea, (she wants a career - crazy wife eh?) then what would the likely reaction be from the husband...

I know that this idea can be common in oldskool European men... but it is rare for modern men to have such a view yeah? Even when the husband is filthy rich, sometimes the wife would have no need to work but it'd be a case of the husband not expecting her to and then leaving it at that. What kind of a modern man wouldn't understand if his wife wanted that sort of fulfilment?

(By the way, I'm thinking that the character of the husband makes enough for the two of them and is not expecting her to work.)

What I am really trying to establish is what would trigger a man to get upset over something like this. Is it a low confidence thing? Is it because he'd only want to be the sole provider? Is it because he'd be competitive? Or is it just downright silly for a guy to get upset in the first place over something like this -- and am I trying to make an old cultural idea work in a new world where it won't?

Your thoughts appreciated.

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Nothing old world about this. There are still millions who believe the woman's place is home raising the children, that if you want to have kids, the raising of those kids should not be passed off to strangers. Kids are the number one reason husbands want wives to stay home. And the number one reason why millions of women want to stay home.

Many men who have very good careers also want the wives home helping them with the career in the belief that doing so helps them both, though this is less common.

There are also millions who wnat the wives to stay home for religious reasons. . .something many women also believe.

And, of course, there are millions of working women who wish they could stay home. Not every woman wants a job, let alone a career. From polls I've seen, I'm not even sure the majority of women want careers or jobs. What they want is money.

I'm not even convinced the majority of men do, either. For most men and women, working is about the money, and if they won the lottery they'd never work again.

quidscribis said:

I supported myself for a lot of years, and it's tiring. I don't want to do it anymore. I hate the stress associated with working. I'm more than happy to piddle around the house doing this or that or whatever. Now he works from home, and we're in each other's faces 24/7, and it works far, far better than I would ever have expected.

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Olivia, I am in complete agreement with you. I hated going out to work. I was a single mother for a few years, and I really longed to be at home while my son was small, and envied the woman who took care of him in her home. When I moved in with my husband and had a second child I was so relieved I didn't have to go back to work - I never did again.
But James is right, that the main reason for working is money. I do not like taking money from my husband, or being dependent on him. But I guess that's because of his attitude towards money, which is quite different to mine. If I happened to have a very rich husand, whom I didn't have to beg for my own money, I wouldn't mind not earning my own.
If I did not have children, I would also want to stay at home; there I am my own boss. It's only once I stayed home from work that I found the time and the motivation to write seriously, and that became my real work.
Living in third world, especially Asian, cultures, does change ones attitiude towards women and work, that's why I made this distinction. A man wanting to be the sole breadwinner is not "wrong", it's just outdated in Western countries. But that too is a learned attitude.

When I first stayed home from work there was a great deal of condescention towards me from my former female colleagues; they treated me as someone who had suddenly turned stupid. But in fact I loved being at home with my kids. Every minute of it was precious.

aruna said:

When I first stayed home from work there was a great deal of condescention towards me from my former female colleagues; they treated me as someone who had suddenly turned stupid. But in fact I loved being at home with my kids. Every minute of it was precious.

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And many of these took the 'mommy track', preferred it, and have effectively removed themselves from the workforce. Industry is doing all it can to entice these women back to the workforce. Some very professional and skilled women are taking up the offers, but only for part-or half-time.

ATP

When we were first married, my wife and I worked up to three jobs each. Our goal was to save as much money as we could. She had the better job.
When she got pregnant my attitude was that "No wife of mine and Mother to my kids should have to work", meaning of course raising a family was a full time job unto itself for her.

This thinking was due to my upbringing in the late '50's and 60's. Dads worked and Moms stayed home.

Alas, it was not to be for a Tradesman in the late 80's and 90's. Within a year it became clear that I could not shoulder the costs alone. We were barely scraping by and our choices were either debt or two-income household.

We decided to amend our thinking and instead we shared all responsibilities. This eased the burden.
She reminded me for years that she was an Officer of a firm which became the lagest privately owned Mechanical Contractor in FL. This was the job I asked her to quit. She jokes that she wouldn't have to work now if I let her work then.

On the other hand, early success does not equate to later happiness. Despite our financial struggles we had an enourmous amount of fun and happiness together, the key word being: together.

Early success may have easily ruined what we have now. Our climb up was extremely slow but steady. Only now do we see the fruits of our labor. We are not rich (yet) but we are living pretty well. All signs point to an early retirement in which I intend to pursue a writing career. That's why I am in no hurry now.

The moral question is: Which choice would have been a mistake? My Wife and I are happy and together. Not a single one of our friends or family are together or happy. Some are rich. Some are homeless now.

The bottom line is we made the first decision as we made the second decision: Together.

edited to correct the "Dad's worked and Mom's " error. jeepers

My parents split up when I was three, because my father wanted my mother to stay home, and she wanted to go out to work. She was one of the first and most outspoken feminists in the whole country, and actually she is not the maternal type at all. I can't remember her ever cooking a warm meal for me. I was placed with aunts and grandmas when she was at work.
I grew up full of envy for children who had a mummy at home. My great heroine was the very donestic mother of my best friend, who had one of those kitchens where there was always a meal being cooked or something nice for all of us. A warm and loving woman. My mother was a civic leader and highly respected but I felt very lonely. Even now in her 80's she is full of energy and always talking to people on the phone about this and that, trying to change society for the better. She told me she plans to retire at 90.
I would have been happier if she'd stayed home and been there for me, but she's just not the type; she needed to be actively engaged. Probably she should not have had children (I was the only one). She was one of the first women in the whole country to be divorced, it just wasn't done in those days (1954), and I used ot be ashamed of being a one parent child. My father remarried and had four sons with someone who stayed home.
Anyway, I swore that when I had children I'd be there for them when they were young, and for the most part it worked out. But I seem to have inherited my mother's lack of domesticity; I can't cook (but I do try!) and I put off housework till the last minute.

character trait or visible consequence

Commonly this behavior is a characteristic of the husband’s possessiveness. However, it could also be that the wife getting a job (maybe causing them to move, or having only one car, etc) would demand the husband quitting his or finding a new job with new cronies. Then again the myriad of earlier mentioned explanations are also plausible. The reason is not necessarily negative, as there are definitely guys out there who would like nothing better than to sit at home and flesh out their beer bellies while their wives work 40 hours a week to sustain their Budweiser-infused existence. The proposed conflict could also be not just that the wife wants to work, but what work the wife wants to do. But for the purpose of story, I would choose whatever best fleshes out the story line, something that is not based solely on an imbedded character trait but also on the more visible consequences of the wife’s prospective career.