Market for this mess

[msQTpi]

I've been toying with the idea of a book of comical advice letters. Could you tell me where and how I should start when I try to sell it?

Here is a sample of the type of letters the book will contain:

Advice from the Trailer Park Queen

Ginger Writes...

Dear Queen,

When my man comes home from a hard day of huntin' and fishin' he don't want no lovin' and huggin'. What can I do to get me some?

Ginger

Trisha, the Trailer Park Queen writes...

Dear Ginger,

Your is a common problem among those of our social standing. It seems that chasing after deer and drowning worms puts a damper on the sex drive of your average redneck. Rather than bore you with my theories behind their behavior I will get right to the cure.
If you meet your husband/cousin at the door in your sexiest tube top, cut-offs and a beer you are well on your way. It is also a good idea to have something playing on your 8 track that gets him in the mood, I recommend, "The Battle of New Orleans" as this always seems to get the attention of my man. Dabbing some shine behind your ear can sometimes help too, but you must be careful here as some men will get a little too wild with this approach, start with a very small amount to see how your husband/cousin reacts. If the reaction is more than you wish for, try PBR next time. I know it may be hard to believe, but washing up before he comes home may bring results that are surprising, especially if you use a beer rinse on your hair after you wash it. Painted toenails are a must, we all know that, but why not go get a new tattoo. Nothing says loving like a big Harley Eagle on your boob, or the words "Live or Die" in a nice ribbon on your butt. These things are rather appealing to men and do show how much you love them especially if you have his initials hidden in the art work. Do be careful, however, if you are just dating your cousin rather than being married to him and even then if you plan to later marry your uncle or someone else. Men tend to get a little funny if you have someone Else's name tattooed on your body, even if it is his brother's and you may end up having to have it redone every year or so to show your new beaus name.
If all else fails, remember there is always a family reunion around the corner. If your man can't rock the trailer wear your best tube top and cut-offs to the next one and see what happens.

Good luck,

Trisha
The Trailer Park Queen

[maestrowork]

Dear Trailer Park Queen,

Yo, cool thing you got. And hot too. Hey, question. My wife and I and our dog Choker just moved in this reeeal nice park, but we got a prob. See, the damn dog next door kept knockin up my girl. Chocker, not my wife. And now she's havin her babies. There aint no room 'round here for no baby dogs. My wife said puppy farms. I said let's shoot 'em for food. Whadaya say?

Remsey M.

[msQTpi]

Remsey M.,

No trailer dweller should fret over a few unexpected dogs. There is always room under the deck for a few more.
If, however, you are in need of the extra protein, I would advise using them as turtle bait. Turtle stew goes much further than fried pups and taters any day. And as an added extra benefit the shell can make a wonderful spittoon or a pot to plant your tomatoes in come springtime. My sister uses one for a slop pot, but you need to be pretty careful when choosing a turtle shell for that, one wobble and there is hell to pay.

Good Luck,

Trisha
The Trailer Trash Queen

[ChunkyC]

:rollin

I have no idear where to market such a thang, but I'd buy it!

[aka eraser]

Funny stuff :) .

I've written similar, spoof-advice columns as "Dear Blabby," a bitter, cynical, hard-drinking/drugging omnisexual for a fake, online newspaper. It's a neat idea Renee and they're fun to write.

A collection would be easier to sell to a pub if the column was already appearing somewhere and had generated a following. You might consider trying to interest a mag or newspaper to run them.

But you can always go the tried-and-sometimes-true, old fashioned way: write at least 20 or so sample letters and then do the query/proposal/sample route with publishers. Getting an agent to take a sniff would be tough I think, but ya never know...a great query and samples might knock someone's socks off.

A whole books-worth of similarly-themed letters might get old too fast. I'd consider mixing it up with recipes, make-up tips, how-to-tornado-proof your trailer etc. If you could team up with an illustrator/cartoonist, that might add some pizzaz too.

Good luck with it.

[RichMar]

I don't know either, but I'm willing to feed.

Dear TPQ,

My aunt died and left me and my wife a condo on Park Ave West in New York. We been thinkin what with all the hassle of always fixin our trailer it might be a good idea to move there insted, only we got some questions for ya.

One: you figure its got in door plumin?

Two: If we go don't ya think we'd be steppin down a little in class?

Three: Ya think they got a huntin lisens for that Center Park of theres?

Four: My two sons are 12 and 16 and already know the times tables. Ya think those school teachers there can keep up with my boys?

Five: Do they let you set coon traps in that there subways?

Truly,

A New Air

[msQTpi]

Thanks Frank,

Was your Blabby the same one I remember from Gibbleguts?

[msQTpi]

Dear New Air,

While the romance of living in such a far away place may seem appealing now, I'm afraid the new would wear off as soon as you got arrested the first time you went hunting in their fancy Central Park. Those city dwellers have no idea what it is to eat squirrel.

Yes, they will have indoor plumbing. If you decide to make the move you should take your children to the local Dairy Queen enough times to make sure they have a handle on using the new fangled fixtures. Otherwise their lack of training would cause real problems. They even expect you to clean up after your dogs there, I would hate to see the fine Jr would get.

As to your question of class, I am shocked that you would even ask. Any self respecting trailer dweller knows they are living just this side of heaven.

Your boys stand a much better chance getting the education God intended staying right where they are. Those city teachers would never even consider giving them time off for hunting, in fact they don't even offer the course "Huntin' & Fishin' 101" that is so prized in our local school system.

I am afraid the only thing a coon trap would catch in one of those subways would be a rat. And while I have heard you can cook them using the same recipes you would for a opossum I can't believe there would be near the meat.

If I were you, I'd just sell that fancy condo and use the money to add a second trailer to what you have. We have one duck taped and bolted to our back door. It's almost as good as a new double wide and we didn't have to bother with packing to move.

Good Luck Whatever You Choose,

Trisha
The Trailer Park Queen

[maestrowork]

I smell somethin good is cookin here, and it aint Choker.

[msQTpi]

Maybe it's the opossum and biscuits cookin' in the kitchen.

Can't let them gifts from God and wayward drivers go to waste ya know

[ChunkyC]

Dear TPQ:

Robbie-Bob McCoy here. I was just a wonderin' about somfin. The other day whilst listenin' to the radio, I heard mention of this thang called a IVY-LEE education. I was hopin' you'd know if they was talkin' about that nice lady my daddy took me to fer my fifteenth birthday, 'coz seems to me that were her name. Anyways, if that's her, I just wanted to tell the folks out there that a IVY-LEE education is worth every penny of the twenty bucks it'll cost ya.

[Yeshanu]

http://pages.prodigy.net/indianahawkeye/newpage12/1.gif

Ally warned me there was a new kid in town... :b

[msQTpi]

Dear Robbie-Bob,

I have heard of the type of education you are speaking of, but believe you misheard Ivy League as Ivy Lee.

My brothers Lester and Cletus both were "educated" in the "high arts" by a woman named Fast Sally out back of the VFW when they were about fifteen.

Ivy League actually refers to a school too and they do learn quite a bit about "screwing" there, but it is more in the line of when your local feed store buys pecans from you at .08 a pound and then sells them for $2.50 a pound.

You'd have to ask the folks waiting in line at the 7/11 in most bigger cities for job applications if their Ivy League education was worth it or not, but I'd say their dads paid a damn site more than your dad did for it.

Enjoy Your Education,

Trisha
The Trailer Trash Queen

[msQTpi]

Hi Yeshanu,

Why would you need to be warned? I swore I wouldn't touch anyones pudding. :(

Renee'

[sugarmuffin]

Dear Miss Tricia,

About six months ago, my cousins Tim-Bob and Jim-Bob moved into the double-wide next door. I started dating one of them (I think it was Tim-Bob), then one night after a few too many PBRs I realized that I was in bed with the other one. I could tell because they ain't twins down below. To put it real delicately, ma'am, one's a Oscar-Meyer and one's a bratwurst.

Anyways, now I'm pregnant, and I don't know which one's the daddy. Should I tell Tim-Bob that I slept with Jim-Bob? Whichever one I end up with is fine with me. Both would be best, I guess. Should I just move in next door if they ask me? And should I ever tell either one of them that their daddy might be my daddy too?

Sincerly,

Fanny Lulu (last name withheld)

[msQTpi]

Fanny,

Your is indeed a serious problem. Luckily you have given me a clue to an easy way out.

If you all share the same father then, traditionally, it is proper for you to give him the decision.

If it turns out that they are not your fathers sons, then I say honesty is the best policy. It is better to have it all out in the open now.

They may choose to share you, there is a family just like that in my very own trailer park, only it is a father/son rather than brother/brother situation.

Let's face it though Fanny, you are sitting on a goldmine. If they can afford a double wide then even if you don't marry either of them the judge should make them pay at least $50.00 a month!! Don't let that kind of money go to your head. Remember, the finer things in life can always be seen simply by looking out your living room window.

Take Care of Yourself,

Trish
The trailer Park Queen

[maestrowork]

Dear TPQ,

Walmart or Big Lots?

Doris

[msQTpi]

Doris,

Walmart...if I'm feeling rich, otherwise the Dollar Store or Family Dollar is where I do my shopping.

Trisha
The Trailer Park Queen

[ChunkyC]

Dear TPQ:

The other day, down to the hardware store, I heard my daddy and his friends talkin' about 'corn squeezin'. When I asked him what that were, he said it were what Aunt Petunia does to her feet when she's watchin' Wheel Of Fortune. I think he's shinin' me on. Can you tell me what 'corn squeezin' is?

Leonard T. Backwater

[ritinrider]

:rollin I needed a good laugh today. Thank ya'll so much.
Nita

[msQTpi]

Leonard,

Your Aunt Petunia may indeed do some 'corn Squeezin' while watching the "Wheel". Truth is I'd have to have done quite a bit of it to watch that myself.

"Corn Squeezings" or Shine is the elixir or medicinal concoction that your Granny uses when her bones get achy. It's the clear liquid kept in a mason jar that your Daddy uses to put a smile on his face and that worried look in your Mama's eye. It's the stuff the big boys are gathered around out at the backwater parties and the reason your Mama won't let you hang out with them yet.

Don't you worry. When you turn fifteen your Daddy will be sure to give you a sip when he takes you to get your "higher education" out back of the VFW.

Don't get ahead of yourself. Enjoy all the things you should be doing now. Before you know it you will be at a family reunion and see someone who makes you want to shack up for life. Believe me, it's all down hill from there.

Go fishing and forget about this for now,

Trish
The Trailer Park Queen

[Melina]

Renee, this is great stuff! I can't wait to hear about your success in getting it published!

***

[maestrowork]

Dear Trailer Park Queen,

i must be frank. my 16yo boy came home one day with a "friend," we'd call him "bobby". bobby's a doll and lives with his mama in another park but i suspect something's goin on between the 2 in room in the back of the trailer. the problem is when i confronted bobby he denied everything and then had relations with me to prove it. now my boy's not talkin to me. but I like bobby... he has a real nice job at White Castle and he makes 6 bucks any hour. not to mention he's a nice package if you know what i mean. i can see why my son is tight with bobby if my instinct is true. what's a mama to do?

much love,
White Castle Nanny

[msQTpi]

Norma Jean,

I don't know who you think you are fooling, but it aint me. The next time you try to pretend to be someone else in a letter you might not want to drown the dang thing in your awful "sweet honesty" perfume...and it may also be a good idea not to use the "Hooters" napkin as stationary even if you do need your boss Jud to help you write it.

You know Granny has her eye set for that boy! I only hope she was too busy with her customers to see what you were writing. You leave him alone. You know she has had problems with men ever since the tongue ring caused that terrible infection. Seems to me you would be happy that she is finally back in action.

As far as your son Beanie goes, we all know he swings in a different tree. Brag all you want about your conquests, we know different.

I'm gonna say an extra prayer for you at Sunday preaching. Maybe you should too.

I'm disappointed in you,

Trish
The Trailer Park Queen

[ChunkyC]

:rollin

[msQTpi]

Nita and Melina, thanks :D

This is fun :lol

Renee'

[msQTpi]

I have written two of what, for lack of a better word, I am calling articles, to add to the book now. They are as follows:

1. A Day in the Life of the Trailer Park Queen
2. Edna's Famous Funnel Cakes

Thanks so much for inspiring me to add other things Frank!!

I have never had such fun writing anything. I can't wait to start on my next one...I think I'll call it:

Useless, the Cat Empress of the World

[maestrowork]

Keep it coming, MsQTpi.

[ChunkyC]

I echo Maestro. You have a fan base already here at the Cooler. You go, girl!

[msQTpi]

Thanks Maestrowork and ChunkyC

Your encouragement means the world to me.

Renee'

[aka eraser]

Happy to have been of service Ma'am. :)

<eraser tips his toque>

[arrowqueen]

I'll add my tuppenceworth too. I thought it was great fun. You go girl! (Did I say that last bit right? Huh? Huh? Did I?)

;)

aq

[msQTpi]

Thanks Arrowqueen :)

Quote:
(Did I say that last bit right? Huh? Huh? Did I?)


sounds good to me :D

Renee'

[stormie267]

Gee, and to think that my husband would rather shop at the Dollar Store than Wal-Mart. Thinks the Dollar Store is on par with Saks. :rolleyes

Anyway, Renee, thanks for the laugh! You're good at the answers to the "questions." I occassionally stroll over from the other AB boards to see what's going on here. Glad I did!

[msQTpi]

Thank you Stormie

Can't say anything is on par with saks (I spell it sex though). Maybe you need a new pair of cut offs hon.

Renee'

[sugarmuffin]

Dear Miss Trisha,

A few months ago, me and my twin brother, Tim-Bob, moved into a new park and rented the trailer next door to my cousin, Fanny Lulu. Well, one thing led to another and me and Fanny started gettin real cozy, if you know what I mean. Well, the other day she told me that she was pregnant, which I don't mind, but then she told me that she also got cozy with my brother a couple three times. I can't believe my brother did that, and now I don't even know if I'm the daddy.

What should I do? Right now I can't stand the sight of either of them.

She's also been actin real strange around my daddy so I was worried there's somthin going on there, but daddy says I'm just gettin paranoid on account of Tim-Bob sleepin with my girl.

I woulda married her if I was the daddy, but how could I ever know? Me and my brother are identical twins.

Any advice appreciated, so long as you ain't slept with my brother.

Sincerely,

Jim-Bob Cooke

[msQTpi]

Sorry Jim-Bob,

I think I may have enjoyed the fancies of your brother once when I was traveling with the Fair. Isn't he the one who has all his teeth, or was that you?

Just in case it was neither of you here is what I advise:

Get a blood test. You never know, the father may be your Uncle, or hers. Before you let her make you a monkeys uncle, make sure there isn't someone else dancing with the organ grinder.

Good Luck,
Trish
The Trailer Park Queen

[maestrowork]

Dear TPQ,

My mother-in-law (aka Talulah, or biatch), now I love my cousin-wife a lot but I hate her momsy (btw, she's also my aunt on my mother's side, if you don't know already). Jimmini-cricket I just found out Talulah is preggy with my brother's child and she is staying with us until the child is born (my bro is a minor, still living with my mother). What a hateful son-in-law/nephew gonna do?

yours
Chaz (not my rael name)

[ChunkyC]

Deah TPQ --

If'n you accidentally drop yer change inta the spit-bucket on the bar, is it bad manners to reach in an' fetch it back, or should ya leave it fer the bartender seein' as it's also his tip jar?

[msQTpi]

Chaz,

Whenever I am in a similar situation I opt for the passive aggressive approach.
Rather than yelling and screaming (and therefore angering your wife) invite her mother with open arms, then mess with her head.
You will find that all parents, even trailer parents, are uncomfortable when faced with the truth of their children's sex life. Use this knowledge to send her running for the hills.
Pull the chaps from the back of your closet and wear them around the house. Hang that sex swing in the living room...and use it!! Watch porn during the dinner hour, in your chaps, hanging from your swing, leering at your wife and drooling.
If you play your cards right, you can probably have the trailer to yourself by the weekend.

Good Luck,

Trish

The Trailer Park Queen

[msQTpi]

Chunky,

Having been a waitress myself, I usually discourage anyone from helping themselves to their waitstaffs tips. However, if you have the coconuts to dive into that spittoon, knowing that Lester and Dub have been using it, the barkeep may find it amusing to see you flopping on the floor, so go for it.

Have Fun,

Trish

The Trailer Park Queen

[sugarmuffin]

Dear Trish,

What have you found to be the best bra-stuffing?

My sister asked me to ask you since she don't have no PC and isn't computer-literit enough to use mine. She says she uses the tanned hide from harvested roadkill but sometimes it smells during hot weather.

Any recommendations?

Fanny

[msQTpi]

Dear Fanny,

Since I am myself in need of advice on how to get men to look me in the eye while they are talking to me, I had to ask around to come up with an answer for your sister.

My neighbor, Verna Lee, says she's never gone wrong using water balloons, but you need to be careful in the winter because they tend to freeze.

My cousin Chester (don't ask) says he prefers to fill his balloons with Jello. He also adds that once he gets "out" he will be looking for a good job so he can buy some "real" ones and tried to get me to pay him for the advice.

People give big boobs a lot more credit than they deserve. Frankly I'd prefer to get rid of a few pounds off of each of my own. The only problem is, no matter how hard I look, I just can not find a podiatrist to help.

Good Luck,

Trish

The Trailer Park Queen

[maestrowork]

Dear Trish,

Whadaya think of penises?

Sugar

[msQTpi]

Dear Sugar,

I'm a big fan.

Trish

The Trailer Park Queen

[msQTpi]

I just set up my signature to show my blog...please take a look :b

Renee'

[ChunkyC]

Deah TPQ

The other day, ah came across a new fangled eatin' place over in Swampgas County that were sellin' a thing called a Chilly-dawg. Now, seein' as it were like near a hunnert degrees out, I thought that it would be mighty fine to cool off with somethin' chilly. So ah bought me one and chomped into it an' goldarnit it, the dang thing burnt the roof o' my mouth so bad that a cain't even chaw my tobacca no more.

Now, I heard about this lady who sued that Mickey D place fer spillin' coffee or somethin' like that a few years back, so I was wonderin' if'n I could do the same.

D'you think I got me a case fer suin' them hornswaglers?

Signed: Delbert T. Flintlock Jr.

[Al1801]

Dere Tralar Pakr Queeen!

It's okay fer them wiimin to mone abote not gettin' any huggin' lovin' an boy gal stuff ehen wee'uns come home from huntin' an' fishin' - how 'bout some home truths. man

Gotta tell ya 'bout my woman. Heck, I'm up at sparrow's whistle an out the door to seek food fer my fambly. Thar she is, cigaret danglin' outa 'er mouth, hair in rollers, one a them pins stuck in her eyebrow an' another uner 'er lip. Hail! no wonder I dont wanna kiss 'er. I still smart about the tattoo she wears on 'er arm "Ten Marines in One Night" She reckons it wuz about a kissin' booth she ran at state Fair. Yeah! Right!

So, out I go, me an ol' Dan, Fatso Smith an' Sailor Jones. Checkin' our traps an' hopin' like hail to brang home possum, squirrel or even some catfish fer supper.

When I gets home wadda I see. The woman with: cigaret danglin' outa 'er mouth, hair in rollers, one a them pins stuck in her eyebrow an' another under 'er lip. Same o'l sack she wore rhis mornin' -

Tell ya, me an' Sailor Jones are thankin' of goin' inter town ternight - hit a bar an' see real wimmin' dressed up all purty like an' smellin' like mom's magnolia tree.

I can't take anymore.
Hiram
Hiram Lincoln Bradley-Pitt III

[msQTpi]

Delbert,

You can sue anyone for pretty much anything nowadays.

If someone can get a buck they will try...and often they will win.

BUT

If I were you I would think long and hard about the guys you hang out with down at the Dew Drop Inn. I'm pretty sure they will rip you to shreds for not knowing what Chili is.

After all, how many Super Bowl Parties have you been to anyway? Every self respecting trailer park man I have ever known, knew that chili and PBR was, hands down, the best meal to eat in order to win the Fart Game.

During the Super Bowl, the Fart Game Olympics cause our local grocery store to run out of pinto beans and chili powder every year.

Come on now...you can tell me the truth, I won't tell anybody, honest. What really burnt your mouth?

Trish

The Trailer Park Queen

[msQTpi]

Hiram,

Before you do anything drastic, why not invite your cousin/wife to get all prettied up and come to town with you?

If nothing else it will give her incentive to take a shower and change her clothes. You could even bring her some perfume to wear that will make her smell like your "mom's magnolia tree".

Look at it this way. Even if it doesn't work, you know you tried. That will give you a moral standing when your uncle comes gunning for you if you decide to cheat on his daughter.

Trish

The Trailer Park Queen

[maestrowork]

Dear Trish,

I fallen for a, lets say, columnist who happens to live in a trailer closer to mine... lets call her Misha. needless to say Im head over heals with this lady and wouldve wild crazy pig sex with her if I could... how do I approach such lovely? I mean I aint bad looking and I inherited a rather nice endowment thanks to my old man, bless his sole. Quite a ladies man I am. But Im goin crazy nuts thinking about this, eh, Misha. What should I do?

lovingly yours,
Hank

[maestrowork]

Bump.

[ritinrider]

Darn! Thought Trish was back, it was just maestro bumping the thread up a notch. Oh well, maybe now that it's toward the top o'the heap she'll see and give Hank some advice. Mayhaps she knows a way he can get the lovin' he needs, or thinks he needs.

[msQTpi]

Hank,

I heartily advise you to rethink your amorous leanings.

We writers are not a stable bunch. We tend to be a bit flighty. Chances are, your "Misha" is a blubbering idiot. I'd be remiss if I didn't point out that I myself have an outstanding psyche bill that started in my early teens and has grown to insurmountable heights steadily through the years. Booney just throws the bills away as soon as they come in. We both sell blood to make the meager payments that we are able to offer each month.

Wild pig sex is certainly something you could look forward to if you hooked up with such a person, but would you really want the pig in the morning?

If you are still interested...

Use your huge endowment to buy a publishing company and bring her chocolates (and Gin). No writer could resist such an enticement.

Good Luck,

Trish
The Trailer Park Queen

[DTNg]

Dear Miss Trisha,

I hope you can help since you seem to have some good schooling in you. You must have graduated eigth grade! A smart lady like you has to know the answer. Me and my soon to be ex wife have a question that's been bugging us for a while. If we get a divorce would we still be brother and sister? I hate to think we might miss out on some of them family barbecues. Why Uncle Jethro's Road Kill Kee-Bobs are almost reason enough to stay married. But the Mrs is making me crazy. She's just letting herself go. I can't even get her to put her teef in before we go to the Pork and Puke for dinner. I mean, if she can't put teef in for a fancy place like that, what hope do we have?

Signed

Junior Bob Bodine

[ChunkyC]

Deah TPQ:

Ah have been pinin fer you from afar fer some time now, and ah caint hold it in no more. Actually, that's why I ended up fatherin three young'uns before I was old enough to read, but that's another story.

Miz TPQ, ever since I first readed yer rightins, I been havin pains in mah nether regions, if'n you know whut I mean. Ah ayam a southern gennlman, of good breedin, and have been lookin fer a gal like you ta share mah plantation wif. I got me a sixteenth of a acre, mah share of the Lazy Eye Ranch mah deah departed granpappy left to his granchillin, of which ah am one of em. If'n you think it might be lonely, there be seventy or eighty of us altugether livin on the two acres that usta be the ranch. We's all related, so it'll be jes fine. Fambly is every'ting, if'n you know whut ah mean.

So, whaddya say? Wanna live in luxury with a gentrified landowner? Jes say the word....

Rufus W. Clingbottom, ESQ.

[msQTpi]

Junior,

You shouldn't let something like a divorce keep you away from family reunions. How would you ever find the next Ms Right?

However, you should be sure the marriage is truly un-salvageable before you go down that road.

You say the Mrs refuses to wear her teeth when you take her to fine eating establishments, but does she at least still wear the tube top and shorty shorts that she trapped you with? Does she still pump her hair high and wear that attractive blue eye shadow? Do you still embrace her with a romantic headlock and wrestle her on the couch during the longer commercials? Do you still crank Skynnard up when you ride together in the pickup?

If these are no longer the habits of your loving union, maybe it's time to revive those old frisky feelings.

Try sneaking around with her at her parents trailer again. If you think ahead and come prepared you can still enjoy a good romp under the deck. Bring a bag of biscuits to distract the dogs, and a sleeping bag to cover the poop.

Surprise her with a romantic gift just to let her know you still care. Matching ball-caps or t-shirts don't cost a whole lot more than a couple of six packs...and while we're on that subject...a little shine won't hurt much either.

Remind her why she first got the screaming jean jiggles for you in the first place, and she may just remind you why you gave them to her.

Good luck,

Trish
The Trailer Park Queen

[msQTpi]

Rufus,

While the offer is indeed quite flattering, I must decline.

As you mentioned, family is everything. My dear husband, Booney, would never agree to such an arrangement unless you were his brother, uncle or daddy.

His truly,

Trish
The Trailer Park Queen