Market for this mess

I've been toying with the idea of a book of comical advice letters. Could you tell me where and how I should start when I try to sell it?

Here is a sample of the type of letters the book will contain:

Advice from the Trailer Park Queen

Ginger Writes...

Dear Queen,

When my man comes home from a hard day of huntin' and fishin' he don't want no lovin' and huggin'. What can I do to get me some?

Ginger

Trisha, the Trailer Park Queen writes...

Dear Ginger,

Your is a common problem among those of our social standing. It seems that chasing after deer and drowning worms puts a damper on the sex drive of your average redneck. Rather than bore you with my theories behind their behavior I will get right to the cure.
If you meet your husband/cousin at the door in your sexiest tube top, cut-offs and a beer you are well on your way. It is also a good idea to have something playing on your 8 track that gets him in the mood, I recommend, "The Battle of New Orleans" as this always seems to get the attention of my man. Dabbing some shine behind your ear can sometimes help too, but you must be careful here as some men will get a little too wild with this approach, start with a very small amount to see how your husband/cousin reacts. If the reaction is more than you wish for, try PBR next time. I know it may be hard to believe, but washing up before he comes home may bring results that are surprising, especially if you use a beer rinse on your hair after you wash it. Painted toenails are a must, we all know that, but why not go get a new tattoo. Nothing says loving like a big Harley Eagle on your boob, or the words "Live or Die" in a nice ribbon on your butt. These things are rather appealing to men and do show how much you love them especially if you have his initials hidden in the art work. Do be careful, however, if you are just dating your cousin rather than being married to him and even then if you plan to later marry your uncle or someone else. Men tend to get a little funny if you have someone Else's name tattooed on your body, even if it is his brother's and you may end up having to have it redone every year or so to show your new beaus name.
If all else fails, remember there is always a family reunion around the corner. If your man can't rock the trailer wear your best tube top and cut-offs to the next one and see what happens.

Good luck,

Trisha
The Trailer Park Queen

Dear Trailer Park Queen,

Yo, cool thing you got. And hot too. Hey, question. My wife and I and our dog Choker just moved in this reeeal nice park, but we got a prob. See, the damn dog next door kept knockin up my girl. Chocker, not my wife. And now she's havin her babies. There aint no room 'round here for no baby dogs. My wife said puppy farms. I said let's shoot 'em for food. Whadaya say?

Remsey M.

Remsey M.,

No trailer dweller should fret over a few unexpected dogs. There is always room under the deck for a few more.
If, however, you are in need of the extra protein, I would advise using them as turtle bait. Turtle stew goes much further than fried pups and taters any day. And as an added extra benefit the shell can make a wonderful spittoon or a pot to plant your tomatoes in come springtime. My sister uses one for a slop pot, but you need to be pretty careful when choosing a turtle shell for that, one wobble and there is hell to pay.

Good Luck,

Trisha
The Trailer Trash Queen

:rollin

I have no idear where to market such a thang, but I'd buy it!

Funny stuff .

I've written similar, spoof-advice columns as "Dear Blabby," a bitter, cynical, hard-drinking/drugging omnisexual for a fake, online newspaper. It's a neat idea Renee and they're fun to write.

A collection would be easier to sell to a pub if the column was already appearing somewhere and had generated a following. You might consider trying to interest a mag or newspaper to run them.

But you can always go the tried-and-sometimes-true, old fashioned way: write at least 20 or so sample letters and then do the query/proposal/sample route with publishers. Getting an agent to take a sniff would be tough I think, but ya never know...a great query and samples might knock someone's socks off.

A whole books-worth of similarly-themed letters might get old too fast. I'd consider mixing it up with recipes, make-up tips, how-to-tornado-proof your trailer etc. If you could team up with an illustrator/cartoonist, that might add some pizzaz too.

Good luck with it.

I don't know either, but I'm willing to feed.

Dear TPQ,

My aunt died and left me and my wife a condo on Park Ave West in New York. We been thinkin what with all the hassle of always fixin our trailer it might be a good idea to move there insted, only we got some questions for ya.

One: you figure its got in door plumin?

Two: If we go don't ya think we'd be steppin down a little in class?

Three: Ya think they got a huntin lisens for that Center Park of theres?

Four: My two sons are 12 and 16 and already know the times tables. Ya think those school teachers there can keep up with my boys?

Five: Do they let you set coon traps in that there subways?

Truly,

A New Air

Thanks Frank,

Was your Blabby the same one I remember from Gibbleguts?

Dear New Air,

While the romance of living in such a far away place may seem appealing now, I'm afraid the new would wear off as soon as you got arrested the first time you went hunting in their fancy Central Park. Those city dwellers have no idea what it is to eat squirrel.

Yes, they will have indoor plumbing. If you decide to make the move you should take your children to the local Dairy Queen enough times to make sure they have a handle on using the new fangled fixtures. Otherwise their lack of training would cause real problems. They even expect you to clean up after your dogs there, I would hate to see the fine Jr would get.

As to your question of class, I am shocked that you would even ask. Any self respecting trailer dweller knows they are living just this side of heaven.

Your boys stand a much better chance getting the education God intended staying right where they are. Those city teachers would never even consider giving them time off for hunting, in fact they don't even offer the course "Huntin' & Fishin' 101" that is so prized in our local school system.

I am afraid the only thing a coon trap would catch in one of those subways would be a rat. And while I have heard you can cook them using the same recipes you would for a opossum I can't believe there would be near the meat.

If I were you, I'd just sell that fancy condo and use the money to add a second trailer to what you have. We have one duck taped and bolted to our back door. It's almost as good as a new double wide and we didn't have to bother with packing to move.

Good Luck Whatever You Choose,

Trisha
The Trailer Park Queen

I smell somethin good is cookin here, and it aint Choker.

Maybe it's the opossum and biscuits cookin' in the kitchen.

Can't let them gifts from God and wayward drivers go to waste ya know

Dear TPQ:

Robbie-Bob McCoy here. I was just a wonderin' about somfin. The other day whilst listenin' to the radio, I heard mention of this thang called a IVY-LEE education. I was hopin' you'd know if they was talkin' about that nice lady my daddy took me to fer my fifteenth birthday, 'coz seems to me that were her name. Anyways, if that's her, I just wanted to tell the folks out there that a IVY-LEE education is worth every penny of the twenty bucks it'll cost ya.

Ally warned me there was a new kid in town... :b

Dear Robbie-Bob,

I have heard of the type of education you are speaking of, but believe you misheard Ivy League as Ivy Lee.

My brothers Lester and Cletus both were "educated" in the "high arts" by a woman named Fast Sally out back of the VFW when they were about fifteen.

Ivy League actually refers to a school too and they do learn quite a bit about "screwing" there, but it is more in the line of when your local feed store buys pecans from you at .08 a pound and then sells them for $2.50 a pound.

You'd have to ask the folks waiting in line at the 7/11 in most bigger cities for job applications if their Ivy League education was worth it or not, but I'd say their dads paid a damn site more than your dad did for it.

Enjoy Your Education,

Trisha
The Trailer Trash Queen

Hi Yeshanu,

Why would you need to be warned? I swore I wouldn't touch anyones pudding.

Renee'

Dear Miss Tricia,

About six months ago, my cousins Tim-Bob and Jim-Bob moved into the double-wide next door. I started dating one of them (I think it was Tim-Bob), then one night after a few too many PBRs I realized that I was in bed with the other one. I could tell because they ain't twins down below. To put it real delicately, ma'am, one's a Oscar-Meyer and one's a bratwurst.

Anyways, now I'm pregnant, and I don't know which one's the daddy. Should I tell Tim-Bob that I slept with Jim-Bob? Whichever one I end up with is fine with me. Both would be best, I guess. Should I just move in next door if they ask me? And should I ever tell either one of them that their daddy might be my daddy too?

Sincerly,

Fanny Lulu (last name withheld)

Fanny,

Your is indeed a serious problem. Luckily you have given me a clue to an easy way out.

If you all share the same father then, traditionally, it is proper for you to give him the decision.

If it turns out that they are not your fathers sons, then I say honesty is the best policy. It is better to have it all out in the open now.

They may choose to share you, there is a family just like that in my very own trailer park, only it is a father/son rather than brother/brother situation.

Let's face it though Fanny, you are sitting on a goldmine. If they can afford a double wide then even if you don't marry either of them the judge should make them pay at least $50.00 a month!! Don't let that kind of money go to your head. Remember, the finer things in life can always be seen simply by looking out your living room window.

Take Care of Yourself,

Trish
The trailer Park Queen

Dear TPQ,

Walmart or Big Lots?

Doris

Doris,

Walmart...if I'm feeling rich, otherwise the Dollar Store or Family Dollar is where I do my shopping.

Trisha
The Trailer Park Queen

Dear TPQ:

The other day, down to the hardware store, I heard my daddy and his friends talkin' about 'corn squeezin'. When I asked him what that were, he said it were what Aunt Petunia does to her feet when she's watchin' Wheel Of Fortune. I think he's shinin' me on. Can you tell me what 'corn squeezin' is?

Leonard T. Backwater

:rollin I needed a good laugh today. Thank ya'll so much.
Nita

Leonard,

Your Aunt Petunia may indeed do some 'corn Squeezin' while watching the "Wheel". Truth is I'd have to have done quite a bit of it to watch that myself.

"Corn Squeezings" or Shine is the elixir or medicinal concoction that your Granny uses when her bones get achy. It's the clear liquid kept in a mason jar that your Daddy uses to put a smile on his face and that worried look in your Mama's eye. It's the stuff the big boys are gathered around out at the backwater parties and the reason your Mama won't let you hang out with them yet.

Don't you worry. When you turn fifteen your Daddy will be sure to give you a sip when he takes you to get your "higher education" out back of the VFW.

Don't get ahead of yourself. Enjoy all the things you should be doing now. Before you know it you will be at a family reunion and see someone who makes you want to shack up for life. Believe me, it's all down hill from there.

Go fishing and forget about this for now,

Trish
The Trailer Park Queen

Renee, this is great stuff! I can't wait to hear about your success in getting it published!

***

Dear Trailer Park Queen,

i must be frank. my 16yo boy came home one day with a "friend," we'd call him "bobby". bobby's a doll and lives with his mama in another park but i suspect something's goin on between the 2 in room in the back of the trailer. the problem is when i confronted bobby he denied everything and then had relations with me to prove it. now my boy's not talkin to me. but I like bobby... he has a real nice job at White Castle and he makes 6 bucks any hour. not to mention he's a nice package if you know what i mean. i can see why my son is tight with bobby if my instinct is true. what's a mama to do?

much love,
White Castle Nanny

Norma Jean,

I don't know who you think you are fooling, but it aint me. The next time you try to pretend to be someone else in a letter you might not want to drown the dang thing in your awful "sweet honesty" perfume...and it may also be a good idea not to use the "Hooters" napkin as stationary even if you do need your boss Jud to help you write it.

You know Granny has her eye set for that boy! I only hope she was too busy with her customers to see what you were writing. You leave him alone. You know she has had problems with men ever since the tongue ring caused that terrible infection. Seems to me you would be happy that she is finally back in action.

As far as your son Beanie goes, we all know he swings in a different tree. Brag all you want about your conquests, we know different.

I'm gonna say an extra prayer for you at Sunday preaching. Maybe you should too.

I'm disappointed in you,

Trish
The Trailer Park Queen

:rollin