Dialect in children's books?

First, I really hope you change the name Schlepperman.

About dialect. I think the first example (“Oy, that’s too bad.) works. I think the second example might be okay once, but to carry it through the story is too much. Maybe you could do something like

“Vot’s da news of da bank robber, eh?”

It took a moment for Butch to understand Mr S's thick German accent. “He’s still on the loose.”

But then after that just write Mr S's dialogue with normal English spelling. You've established that he speaks with a heavy accent. Reading a whole bunch of phonetic spelling is annoying and I think it will confuse less fluent readers.

There is a difference between using a foreign word here and there and using phonetic dialect spelling. I think that 8-10 year olds could handle a foreign word or phrase more easily than phonetic spelling. I used to work with below grade level 4th grade (9 year olds) readers and they would have given up fast if they had to read too much like “Vot’s da news." Also, if you use a lot of dialect, it almost sounds as if you are parodying the Jewish guy, and that may not be what you intend for this character.

Vot’s da news of da bank robber, eh

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- that really cracked me up. Sorry, but I find written dialect funny. Fortunately, you're at a stage where you can experiment and see whether or not you can find a way around it looking silly or insulting (not that I was). Seriously though, I think attempting dialogue can break an otherwise good novel. Minnette Walters is a highly respected UK thriller writer, that is, she was until she released a novel called "Acid Row", which is a genuinely good book, but she attempted to put loutish dialogue in, and it just came across as silly and totally shattered the illusion she had so far managed to create.

The problem with dialect and accents is that the person who has the accent doesn't think they are saying "vot is da time?", but think they're saying the words correctly. But what is worse, is phonetically written accents create a big hiccup for the reader.

A possible alternative might be:
As Schlepperman paid, he asked if there was news of the bank robber.
his thick German accent made "what" sound more like "vot".

Butch shook his head. "He’s still on the loose."

Fortunately, you're at a stage where you can experiment

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by this, I simply meant that you seem to be in the planning stage, and have the advantage of experimentation. Don't mean to sound patronising. That's the trouble with email and forums; it's hard to get a tone of voice across.

I think the problem with dialect is that written, it so often comes out looking like a parody of itself. I mean, how many of us cringe when reading Gone With the Wind? "Oh, Lawsy, Miz Scahlut, I don' no nuffin' 'bout birfin' no babies!"

I like the idea of pointing out early that the character has an accent:
“How’s your papa?” asked Mr. Schlepperman in his thick German accent. “I haven’t seen him on the train since he broke his leg.”

Another option is to insert the occasional word -- like your verklempt example above -- just to remind us that he is German:
“Oy, that’s too bad. So now it’s just you?” said Mr. Schlepperman. "Such responsibility for someone so young, ja?"

Writing dialect scares me. I think that when it works, it tends to have the different rhythm of that speaker. For instance, the emphasis in a sentence shifts. The internet can help if you want to do some research on a dialect, unique words, vowel changes, whatever. The only time I'd be comfortable writing dialect is if I was used to listening to someone speak that way. Then the rhythm flows.

I had a couple of quibbles with your example - sorry, I haven't checked share your work, yet, so someone else might have quibbled before me.

"Oy, that’s too bad" sounds American/modern to me. "Oy, sad, sad," or something like that calls up (for me) the accompanying headshake. And "sonny", is that in dialect? Would he say "my boy"?

I think you're brave putting your work up for criticism, and that you've raised an important point. I read once that the end of the rainbow goal is to be able to recognise each character from their dialogue without any other identifier. Dialect is part of that, but it's a tool which scares me because it thumps in with hobnail boots. Then, again, subtlety can be over-rated

Jen

The inclusion of verklempt or a ja looks to be far more effective. Another trick is to use unusual grammar and take notice of the way europeans/eastern europeans put subject and action in reverse. The only example I can think of right now (just woke up) is the UK advert for Forrero Roche "With these Forrero Roche, you are really spoiling us"

POV is a real minefield. The best trick I know is to think of your scenes like video games, where the camera is following your MC about their world. If the camera can't see it, they can't see it. If the MC doesn't think it, you can't tell the reader. Like that other beast, "show, don't tell" it's gotta be kept on a tight leash.

Grey