Fan letters from kids--how do you handle them--especially the troubled teen

MJWare · Apr 10, 2012

I got an e-mail last night from a teen (jokingly) complaining that one of my shorts made him pee his pants.

He was an inspiring writer and we exchanged a few e-mails on honing the craft. However, I felt really uncomfortable about this--what would his parents think about him contacting some strange middle-aged white dude?

He wasn't troubled, but talked a little about run-of-the-milll teenage angst stuff.

This isn't the first kid to write me (though there hasn't been many, yet), but I imagine this is going to be more of a problem. And given the percentage of kids going through tough stuff, it's only a matter of time before I get contacted by a troubled one.

I know many here haven't published but if you have how have you handled this?

Even if you haven't published, there's a lot of kid knowledge hear and I'd be glad for any advice?

I love, love to hear for kids who read my stuff--it's really the only reason I publish (money is just a way to be able to write more, really), but I'm not sure about the whole talking to other people's kid thing.

Amarie · Apr 10, 2012

I've only gotten a couple of emails but I'm uncomfortable with it too. One weird thing happened after I did a Skype visit with a school. A kid sent me a message through Skype that he wanted to call. I just sent him a message back asked him to email, though he never followed through. I think it's much more of an issue with YA writers. I know some who do get kids who want to talk about their problems.

I guess if I have another case where someone wants to keep up a correspondence, which happened with a teen who contacted me because he wants to be a writer, I'd respond a couple of times and then plead family and work responsibilites. It would be true.

Maryn · Apr 10, 2012

[Imagine what you get when you public sexually explicit materials...]

I suppose what I'd do is what the parents of any troubled teen would want me to do. Be kind, be sympathetic, attempt to turn the conversation toward fiction, and make no concrete and specific suggestions for any actions. Even if you give rock-solid advice, it just seems like a bad idea.

Maryn, who doesn't reply to the sexually needy weirdos

Lillie · Apr 10, 2012

In the UK we have Childline, which is a free phone line for people up to the age of 19. They can get counselling and help and stuff.

Perhaps if there is something similar in the US, you could suggest that they phone there.

MJWare · Apr 10, 2012

I started this same thread on "that other forum I frequent" and several of the more successful writers say they converse with kids all the time. They just steer away from anything personal.

What I think I'm going to do is post a communications code of ethics on my webpage. Basically, I'll say, because I have no way of knowing the age of anyone who writes, I'll only discuss writing and literature. If parents don't want me conversing with their kids, just write me.

DavidBrett · Apr 12, 2012

Yeah, that's what I was going to suggest.

I've only written for the the kids site Neopets, and used to get my PM folder on there filled with reader mail almost every week, most of whom were young readers. Obviously, the answer to this problem was easier on there, as all I had to do to stop a long correspondence about writing from getting too personal was to say "I'm having an article on the writing craft published next week. Check it out."

So, maybe you could do something similar? Something like a short nonfiction eBook about writing (with a chapter on characters, another on plot structure, dialogue, etc) that you could make free or cheap, and that you could then link to every time a fan asked about the subject?

Otherwise, I'd say don't worry! Parents are obviously going to be aware that the books their children are reading are by much older people. If they had a problem with that in the first place, I doubt the kids would be able to get so far as to email you without their parents knowledge.

The authors I talk to on a regular basis are always visiting schools. So if parents are okay with thirty-something males personally visiting their kids, I'm sure emails aren't that big a deal to most of them.

Just my two-billion cents

Dave

Crane · Apr 13, 2012

Hey. I'm new to this forum, but the topic kind of struck me as fascinating, so I decided to throw in my two pence.

First of all, I think that the most important thing when it comes to talking with troubled people, and not just teens, is to remember that they're writing to you because they are looking for some kind of understanding and feel that you can offer it. Many times, when we feel that those around us won't get it, we would turn to someone we like and respect.

That said, when it comes to a writer/reader relationship, you need to ask yourself just how much guidance are you reasonably expected to provide. You cannot take it upon yourself to solve their problems on a person-to-person basis simply because it's realistic. If you're writing about particularly dark stuff (like Laurie Halse Anderson or Lauren Myracle), then it wouldn't be that far off left field that you put the topic on your blog/personal forum/discussion panel, and reply to comments.

The most important thing, when a troubled person contacts you, is that you try to facilitate conversation. Sign post, like the others said, towards cites and phone-lines that might offer immediate help. If the person is just worried about talking to someone closer to them about their problem, it would not be unreasonable to try and encourage them to open up to those closest to them. Most of the time, people need to feel validated, and the lack of confidence impedes conversation.

MsJudy · Apr 13, 2012

Crane said:
Hey. I'm new to this forum, but the topic kind of struck me as fascinating, so I decided to throw in my two pence.

First of all, I think that the most important thing when it comes to talking with troubled people, and not just teens, is to remember that they're writing to you because they are looking for some kind of understanding and feel that you can offer it. Many times, when we feel that those around us won't get it, we would turn to someone we like and respect.

That said, when it comes to a writer/reader relationship, you need to ask yourself just how much guidance are you reasonably expected to provide. You cannot take it upon yourself to solve their problems on a person-to-person basis simply because it's realistic. If you're writing about particularly dark stuff (like Laurie Halse Anderson or Lauren Myracle), then it wouldn't be that far off left field that you put the topic on your blog/personal forum/discussion panel, and reply to comments.

The most important thing, when a troubled person contacts you, is that you try to facilitate conversation. Sign post, like the others said, towards cites and phone-lines that might offer immediate help. If the person is just worried about talking to someone closer to them about their problem, it would not be unreasonable to try and encourage them to open up to those closest to them. Most of the time, people need to feel validated, and the lack of confidence impedes conversation.

I think this is a very good response. Someone who reaches out to a stranger over the internet is likely to be someone who feels alone, isolated, unable to safely confide face-to-face in the people they know. Connecting them to resources and letting them feel a little less alone can be a huge gift.

But be careful not to start thinking you're going to save them. Teachers and social workers have to figure out that balance: How to do what you can to help someone, but also protect yourself physically and emotionally.

little_e · Apr 25, 2012

Speaking as a parent, if my kid went through the effort of contacting an author they liked, and that author was kind enough to write back, I'd be THRILLED.
How often do kids get to interact with adults in roles other than authority figures? Kids need role models besides just their teachers and pediatricians, and who are they going to learn from about how the adult world works and their future lives of actually living in it? Other kids?

That said, how you respond to any troubled person depends on how comfortable you feel responding to troubled people in general. Other people's troubles can be a great burden, and you may perhaps feel comfortable saying something kind and then re-directing the person to a more appropriate set of resources, eg a suicide hotline or school counselor.

little_e · Apr 25, 2012

I should add that I may not be normal among parents.

ravenmuse · May 9, 2012

First, feel and appreciate the honor that your writing was authentic enough to reach out, connect and unlock the heart of a kid.

Second, bear in mind that it is often difficult for a kid to speak openly to the people around you. If (as a kid) you share a problem with an adult in your nearest vicinity (e.g bullying), you risk that adult intervening in the problem in way that may create further problems and sometimes makes things worse before they get better. By talking to an adult, who seems kind of cool, but has zero opportunity for direct intervention, the kid has the opportunity gain advice without risking commitment to a regime of problem solving. He/she can first weigh and consider the advice for themselves, without them surrendering their own power.

I'm not saying that talking to a distant role-model is better than to a close family member or teacher. I'm just saying that it may give the kid more of a comfort zone in the interaction.

Fan letters from kids--how do you handle them--especially the troubled teen

MJWare

Kidlit gang, Junior member.

Amarie

carpe libri

Maryn

I Tried

Lillie

practical experience, FTW

MJWare

Kidlit gang, Junior member.

DavidBrett

Alas, poor Yorick, he fed me 'nanas

Crane

MsJudy

little_e

Trust: that most precious coin.

little_e

Trust: that most precious coin.

ravenmuse