First chapter introductions

In general, it's better to focus on beta-reader response than on their suggestions on how to fix things (unless they are experienced writers or editors). What you can take away from this, I think, is that the readers felt confused by the dream opening. Their suggestions about how to make it less confusing are kind of irrelevant, imo.

Interesting question. I think this is debatable. There are some who will say that action without any orientation isn't any better than no action to start a chapter. If the reader doesn't care about your character or is not invested in your character, they may not care that they're running for their lives, etc.

The setting you posted was about the dream, right? Dreams are pretty weird, so you can put anything in there that you want. Why is she trying to get out of the hallway? To go to her graduation? To go on a date? To fight a dragon? That might also be a interesting way to do the dream sequence and put some humor in there, if that's your thing. If she was stuck in the hallway trying to get to a date with Ryan Gosling, for instance, you could talk about how the spiderwebs on the walls were getting caught in her hair and clothes, or about how the slime oozing down the walls were getting on her bracelets which she had bought to bring out her eyes.

Honestly, I like learning about the appearance of the MC, but I don't want it to be forced on me. I want to know if the MC is 40 or 15 within the first few pages (I got 100 pages into one book before I realized the MC was a girl. That took some getting used to). Don't completely neglect the appearance, but you don't just want to dump it on the reader like a bad fanfiction, either. Just enough so the reader can start to flesh out the MC on their own.

What your betas are reacting to is this:

What the hell does her hair/eye color matter to the story?

What was Huckleberry Finn's hair/eye color? Tom Joad's? Frodo Baggins's? Zeena Frome's? Oliver Twist's?

If any of these were mentioned in the stories, they passed by me without notice. Which means they didn't matter.

Write stuff that matters to the story. Jettison stuff that doesn't.

caw

goldhorse said:

I've searched for this and haven't quite found what I'm looking for yet so please don't flog me.

So, I've had a few people read my YA SF/Fantasy WIP and I've had mixed reviews about the first chapter. It starts in a dream. (cliché right?) The MC has a terrifying experience and wakes up (yay, more clichés).

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Does the reader know immediately, from the first sentence, that this is a dream?

Because if not, this reader is going to be pissed to discover that all the excitement was nothing but a dream.

OTOH, if I know it's a dream from the start, I also know it's not real, and therefore I'm not going to care what happens in it, no matter how suspenseful and scary.

Either way, it's a non-starter.

Occasionally, there are brilliant, wonderful exceptions to this. But they're also very rare.

As to your other question--

You can mention her first name in the first sentence or so, and use the pronoun thereafter.

Use only such descriptions of her as would flow naturally in the situation. This would be true for any POV character throughout the book.

goldhorse said:

My dilemma?

How many times have you noted your eye and hair color while terrified or thought of yourself in the third person?

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If you're writing in third person, it's not her doing the description. The narrator, whoever it is, is telling it.

Granted, it's important to know the color of her eyes because they will change later. However, is it imperative that I do this the first chapter?

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Maybe, maybe not. You don't have to tell immediately, but you also don't want the reader to get an image in their mind only to smash it with new information.

Do I sacrifice some of the action and my "hook" so you know her name and the fact that her hair is unmanageable?

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No. You can easily mention those facts without sacrificing anything.

I don't think it's necessary to stop the action to insert a description of your MC. The way I handled this with my second novel was to incorporate the MC's description into the action. As she's running for her life in the beginning of the first chapter, strands of strawberry-blonde hair fly into her face. She catches a glimpse of the male MC and notices nothing but his blue eyes. Small details, but they slip into the action so that you hardly notice them. Perhaps you could try something like that?

These days, readers don't want every detail of the character's appearance. Leave some things to the imagination. Pick a handful of "important" details and try to make them interesting. Instead of sticking with the standard, "She was short, yet curvy, with long brown hair and green eyes," try something that will make her appearance stand out. If the details are imperfections, all the better. Hair that frizzes around her head like a halo. A nose that's decidedly "Roman", if you're being polite. A smile that's crooked, yet genuine. A scattering of freckles that no lemon juice will ever fade.

Make sure the descriptions are things that the MC would actually notice about herself. Very few people bemoan the fact that they're petite or taller than average, unless they're very short or tall, and then it would probably only be an issue when they can't find clothes that fit, or when they can't reach the dishes on the top cupboard shelf, or when they bang their head getting into the car. As an example, if she's short, she might notice her height when a tall friend hugs her and her head only reaches his armpit. Then she might laugh at herself a little. Or you could describe it without having her notice, just say that she tucks her head against his chest, implying that she's short and he's tall, without drawing attention to it.

Similarly, few people look into the mirror and think, "Wow, my eyes are very green this morning." I actually happen to be one of them, because my eyes change color between blue and green. I pay attention to what color they are when I look in the mirror, because it fascinates me. (Eyes that truly change color are very rare.) But a normal person is more likely to be scanning for new blemishes, pimples, dry skin, food on their teeth, etc. That's why it's better to avoid the cliche of having your MC look in the mirror when you describe them.

Just as a side note, be very careful with using a dream as your opening sequence. It's frowned upon for a reason. Readers don't like investing themselves in a scene, only to learn that it didn't matter, none of it was real. Just something to keep in mind, as you're writing and revising.

It's not imperative to know her eye colour until it matters and it only matters once it's changed -no?

If her eyes change colour why not mention it when she becomes aware of it. Maybe someone else notices and comments or tells her.

Stijn Hommes said:

If you're writing in third person, it's not her doing the description. The narrator, whoever it is, is telling it.

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Only if you're writing in omniscient. Otherwise, there is no narrator in third-person POV. Everything is filtered through the mind and senses of the POV character.

I disagree.

There is a narrator in Third Person POV - he may maintain a low profile and be unobtrusive, or better still - invisible, but he exists. It's you.

BethS said:

Only if you're writing in omniscient. Otherwise, there is no narrator in third-person POV. Everything is filtered through the mind and senses of the POV character.

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Bufty said:

I disagree.

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What fun. <rubbing hands together> Bufty and I disagree on something.

There is a narrator in Third Person POV - he may maintain a low profile and be unobtrusive, or better still - invisible, but he exists. It's you.

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First, that could be said of any novel written in any POV. The writer is certainly the overall narrator, the mind that invents the story and refines it, and the voice that communicates it. At the same time, the writer's voice is like light thrown through a prism, refracting into the voices and perceptions of the POV characters.

Second, in close/limited/intimate (choose your favorite adjective) third-person POV, the conceit* is that all narration, thoughts, and experience are that of the POV character, either rendered directly (through dialogue or internals) or indirectly (narration and exposition that represent the character's knowledge or feelings, even if not written as direct thoughts). I.e., one could simply change the pronouns to first-person and it should work as first-person POV with few to no changes.

*This is the conceit I use to both read and write third-person limited. YMMV.

.

BethS said:

What fun. <rubbing hands together> Bufty and I disagree on something.

=Bufty
There is a narrator in Third Person POV - he may maintain a low profile and be unobtrusive, or better still - invisible, but he exists. It's you.

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First, that could be said of any novel written in any POV.

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Nope - First person POV doesn't have a narrator other than the POV character.

Omniscient again has no narrator other than the Omniscient POV narrator.

Bufty said:

.

Nope - First person POV doesn't have a narrator other than the POV character.

Omniscient again has no narrator other than the Omniscient POV narrator.

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OK, is this going to be one of those times when we each stand in the corner and see who can shout the loudest?

Though this may be a case of us each looking through the same window, except from different sides of the glass.

When I say that the writer narrates all stories, regardless of the POV, what I mean is that not only is the writer writing the words, the writer's voice and style pervade the writing. A writer with a distinctive voice is highly recognizable from novel to novel. You can tell Hemingway from Faulkner. Diana Gabaldon from Nora Roberts. Doesn't matter what POV is used, or how nuanced and individual it is. The author, however invisible, leaves her tracks on the story.

In the world of the story itself, the ostensible narrator of first-person is (obviously) that character. The omniscient narrator can show more variety--he or she can be the author himself, or an invented storyteller, or a character observing the story, or an amorphous, all-pervasive presence more felt than seen. But behind the narrator pulling the strings is the author pulling the strings.

Third-person limited is like first-person, except "translated" into third-person. There is no separate narrator apart from the POV character; otherwise it would be a form of omniscient. Or egregious authorial intrusion.

goldhorse said:

Thank you everyone for your feedback. Lots to think about. It seems like most of you don't really care what your character looks like (haircolor, eyes, etc.) Maybe I'm just jumping the gun.

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Personally, I do care what characters look like. At least the basics. I don't need to know height and weight, unless that's important to the plot somehow. Unless otherwise told, I'll assume that a woman is petite, yet curvy, and that a man is tall and well-toned. If that's not the case, I want to know. Aside from that, I want to know hair color, at a minimum. If they're brunette, I can guess that their eyes are brown, because that's the most common. If not, then perhaps it should be mentioned because it's unusual.

But like I said, a few unusual features will go a lot further than your standard "mirror image" description.

#1: I can't ditch the dream sequence. You don't know it's a dream but when she wakes up, you find out that this is not the first one she's had. The dreams are important to the plot line and she has them through most of the story. I don't want to piss my readers off but I'm not sure if starting at a different place is better. Something I need to look at. My readers didn't seem to care that it was a dream, only that they didn't "know the character"

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I can only speak for myself, but it would annoy me greatly to find out that the entire opening sequence was only a dream. If I can't trust that reality is "real" from the start, then why should I trust anything else in your novel?

In one of my novels, the MC has recurring prophetic dreams. I could have opened the story with her dreaming about a major event that was about to happen to her. It would "fit" with the theme of her having these frequent dreams. But it wouldn't make for the best novel. Nor would describing each and every dream she has. I let the readers follow along with two of her dreams, enough to convey the idea that they're sharp and intense and surreal. For the rest, I either summed up the gist of the dream, or I mentioned it after the fact, when she sees it coming true. A light bulb goes off and she realizes, "I've seen this before. I've dreamed this."

Anything more than that would be overkill--at least for my novel. Yours could be totally different, of course. I'm just sharing what worked for me.

#2: Looking in the mirror... OMG she does! Only she notices that her eyes are bloodshot and she's got really dark circles under them from lack of sleep and her hair is in a knot. I think those are things most normal people notice in the mirror, right? Should I go more cliche than that? "Her mousy brown hair was in a huge knot...again."

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Avoid cliches! I think you can get away with the mirror if she's only noticing her bloodshot eyes or her tangled hair. Not sure if I'd use both, but you'll have to rely on your beta readers to tell you if the scene works or not. As far as dark circles under her eyes, that's pretty cliched, too. I've only ever known one person who actually got dark circles under her eyes. It was mainly due to allergies, not fatigue. Just something to consider, maybe do some research on first.

I have a scene in one of my novels where the MC looks in a mirror, but it's brief and her appearance isn't the point of looking in the mirror. She's just had a cut on her neck stitched up and the doctor gives her a pocket mirror so she can see. When she first glances in the mirror, she notices how pale her skin looks (due to exhaustion and blood loss) and how her eyes stand out. Then she angles the mirror downward and examines her new stitches and the scene moves on.

goldhorse said:

Should I go more cliche than that? "Her mousy brown hair was in a huge knot...again."

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No, no, no. Do you look in the mirror and think, "My golden blonde hair is in a huge knot"?

The way you had it (without "mousy brown") was fine.

However, opening with that dream is probably not. Can you start with something else, and then add the dream later?

If I didn't have eye color as a supporting plot point (two brown-eyed people had blue eyed babies, and oh, look! That kid next door, why, he's the only guy around with blue eyes, so pay attention to that!) I wouldn't have them at all.

Ditto hair color. And with one exception, the (1st-person) POV characters don't mention their own physical traits in a concrete way. For example, the female POV character thinks she's fat. She's not, and it's reinforced through the other POVs that she's not, but it's indicative of her mental state that she thinks it's true.

Whatever you do, don't do this: As I ran away from him, my pale blonde hair flew into my verdant green eyes, then I tripped, the blue denim of my pant's leg snagging on the root of an old oak tree.

One way to describe a person, though, is when said person is comparing himself/herself to someone else. Damn, the guy had height, ought to play for the NBA. Nearly seven foot for Chrissake, topping me by a foot and a half.

Or, So what if she dresses that way, who cares? So she's got money and can afford a stylist and la-di-dah. My hair's clean and so what if the best I can do is a lousy ponytail? I dress okay and I'm not overweight - which I think she is, by the way, but all they can see is her chest. So damn it, is that the reason all the jocks in school are always looking at her?

Of course, that words best for younger people, as it's common for them to compare themselves to others - or at least I did and I used to see kids doing this all the time. (I was a teacher.) It's less common for older people (or characters), although my mum, who's 89, still does this when we take her out to eat. (See that woman over there? She has no teeth. Well, I still have all of mine!)

A characters looks will not get me invested or help me care about the character. However, some people have a hard time imagining what things look like and need you to tell them, so just throw it in there as you are telling the story. It's not hard to drop a bit of description without jarring the scene.

Things that help me care about a character.

1. A few paragraphs showing a down to earth, cool personality.
2. The character having real issues I can relate to: lost job, sucky parents, being bullied, etc.
3. Wanting change desperately. Wanting something badly.
4. Helping someone or an animal in need and must sacrifice in order to do it. They risk losing their job to save a cat, for example.