Is this sentence incorrect?

Draíocht · Mar 5, 2012

I'm rereading my first three chapters before I send them to an agent that has requested them. However, everytime I get to this sentence, I have to pause and reread. For the life of my, I can't figure out if it reads wrong, or if my nerves are making me look and find faults where there are none.

Does this sound incorrect?

"With each step that he took across the glossed marble floor, malice and hatred trickled towards him..."

Might it be the sentence structure, the use of 'that' or is it something else?

Thanks for all input.

Brickcommajason · Mar 5, 2012

I don't see it as gramatically incorrect, but it's awkward. Convoluted. Wordy.

I'd fiddle with it some. Losing "that" would be a plus.

Just MHO. Ignore me if you think I"m full of it.

HoneyBadger · Mar 5, 2012

With each step, malice and hatred trickled towards him, puddling on the glossed marble floor.

or, to make things way easier

With each step, malice and hatred trickled towards him.

I don't think it's technically wrong, it's just not as right as it could be.

Draíocht · Mar 5, 2012

No, I agree. Something doesn't sit right with me and I'm getting bambuzzled with where the problem lies. I think I should probably reword it entirely.

Thank you both!

llamafarmer · Mar 5, 2012

Seems fine to me. I'm no grammarian, but in this case I'd guess the 'that' would be necessary so that the sentence doesn't sound too confusing, otherwise it may seem like you're going to say he was carrying an object across the 'glossed marble floor', and when it turns out that he's not it may sound a bit awkward? I could be completely wrong here, though. In fact I think I must be, lol. Anyway, if I were writing it I'd keep it as it is.

Gilead · Mar 5, 2012

Draíocht said:
"With each step that he took across the glossed marble floor, malice and hatred trickled towards him..."

Might it be the sentence structure, the use of 'that' or is it something else?

Thanks for all input.

1) 'Glossed'? Glossy, maybe. I suppose glossed could be used like that but it sounds odd to me.

2) I don't like the malice and hatred 'trickling'. It conflicts with the measured tread implied by the first half of the sentence. Do the malice and hatred stop trickling between steps?

3) The sentence could be rearranged as 'Malice and hatred trickled towards him with each step he took across the glossed marble floor'. I don't think that helps it much, though.

Bufty · Mar 5, 2012

The 'that' isn't required.

The sentence is out of context and I have no idea what image you are trying to create in the reader's mind by '...malice and hatred trickled towards him'.

He's obviously getting closer to something or someone but that phrase is odd.

Maybe rewrite the whole sentence, aiming for clarity through simplicity by saying what you mean.

Good luck.

ETA- ooops - crossed with your response. I think you are right to rewrite it.

owlion · Mar 5, 2012

"The sense of malice and hatred grew with each of his shaking steps."

Or something. I'm not quite sure what the character should be feeling in the scene, but maybe put the description of the floor in a different sentence a bit earlier?

blacbird · Mar 5, 2012

Brickcommajason said:
I don't see it as gramatically incorrect, but it's awkward. Convoluted. Wordy.

I'd fiddle with it some. Losing "that" would be a plus.

Just MHO. Ignore me if you think I"m full of it.

You're not. It's exactly what's wrong with the sentence. It's trying too hard to sound writerly. I find that fault often to be a problem with sentences that sound awkward or grammatically incorrect, including in my own first drafts.

Now, we don't know the context, but "malice and hatred trickled toward him" from -- where?. I don't much like the verb "trickled", either; "oozed" sounds a little more sinister.

caw

Jamesaritchie · Mar 5, 2012

You can drop "that". The only thing I see wrong with the sentence is that it's a bit over the top, a bit overly dramatic, verging on purple.

It's a case of no one, not ever a narrator, really talks this way.

folkchick · Mar 5, 2012

"Malice and hatred built with every step he took across the polished, marble floor."

Susan Coffin · Mar 5, 2012

"With each step that he took across the glossed marble floor, malice and hatred trickled towards him..."

That does not belong in the sentence. I agree with those who say it's too wordy, and also agree that it's close to purple. I cannot see what you are trying to describe. Would it be better to write something about him in relation to the hatred and malice? For example, "He walked across the marble floor, malice and hatred churning inside of him." Not that exactly, but something more clear?

I think you might be trying too hard. Keep it simply is usually best. Always aim for clarity in your writing.

Susan Coffin · Mar 5, 2012

folkchick said:
"Malice and hatred built with every step he took across the polished, marble floor."

A good clear sentence, in my opinion.

BradCarsten · Mar 5, 2012

Draíocht said:
"With each step that he took across the glossed marble floor, malice and hatred trickled towards him..."

As everyone else has already said, the rhythm should improve if you loose "that"

Personally I like the sentence, but if its bothering you, then rather go with your gut.

Titan Orion · Mar 5, 2012

Draíocht said:
"With each step that he took across the glossed marble floor, malice and hatred trickled towards him..."

blacbird said:
It's trying too hard to sound writerly.

I agree with this.

IMO, if someone could feel malice and hate trickling toward them with each step, the type of flooring wouldnt register right there. If it were me, Id move the glossed marble floor mention to an earlier sentence. And the "that" as has been said before.

Also, malice and hatred are very close in meaning. Its not quite a repetition, but almost.

"Blah blah blah marble floor and whatnot as he strode into the room. With each step, he could feel malice trickling towards him..."

... but I think "with each step" fits in a place where something is getting worse, stronger, etc so with each step, more malice?

im probably thinking about this too hard

BethS · Mar 5, 2012

Draíocht said:
Does this sound incorrect?

"With each step that he took across the glossed marble floor, malice and hatred trickled towards him..."

Well, "that" is unnecessary. "Glossed" is also a little odd sounding. Glossy, maybe? Or polished?

Where is the malice and hatred coming from? How do they "trickle"?

That part sounds like you're trying too hard.

ClimbingMountains · Mar 5, 2012

Here's my shot at it:

"Trickling across the marbled floor, malice and hatred glided forward with each step he took..."

or

"Trickling across the marbled floor, malice and hatred advanced forward, emulating his steps... "

Or "Gliding", "Rushing", "Slithering"

Correct me if I've mistaken malice and hatred for characters : /.

Susan Coffin · Mar 5, 2012

ClimbingMountains said:
Here's my shot at it:

"Trickling across the marbled floor, malice and hatred glided forward with each step he took..."

or

"Trickling across the marbled floor, malice and hatred advanced forward, emulating his steps... "

Or "Gliding", "Rushing", "Slithering"

Correct me if I've mistaken malice and hatred for characters : /.

In my opinion, the above wording also verges on wordy and purple and sounds just as confusing as the original sentence.

While I suspect this trickling of malice and hatred is metaphorical, I can't figure out how either (or both) trickle at all. Neither are external, they are internal reactions, if you will, to something bigger than anger and malice.

While the above is my opinion, I could be way off in my assessment.

HistorySleuth · Mar 5, 2012

It is a bit wordy. I agree, you don't need "that" and do you need "glossed" I wonder? Marble floors in themselves are usually glossy, so I already have the visual. How about just rearranging the sentence and leaving out a couple words?

Like:

Malice and hatred trickled towards him with each step he took across the marble floor.

RobJ · Mar 6, 2012

Would need to see it in context to understand the intended meaning.

jeffo20 · Mar 6, 2012

Definitely agree on the 'that'. Lose 'that' for sure.

But I also wonder if part of the problem is the double movement. The protagonist is moving - he's taking steps towards something. And then you've got malice and trickling toward him. I think it works better if he's doing the moving, and he senses/feels/whatever the malice and hatred waiting for him.

Draíocht · Mar 6, 2012

Changed it last night. Thanks for all suggestions.

brianjanuary · Mar 6, 2012

I think it's reading wrongly for you because malice and hatred shouldn't be "trickling". Maybe something like "he felt a wave of malice and hatred". Also, "gloss" as an intransitive verb means "to become shiny", so I think you might be better served with a word like "polished" or "gleaming"

jaksen · Mar 6, 2012

Draíocht said:
I'm rereading my first three chapters before I send them to an agent that has requested them. However, everytime I get to this sentence, I have to pause and reread. For the life of my, I can't figure out if it reads wrong, or if my nerves are making me look and find faults where there are none.

Does this sound incorrect?

"With each step that he took across the glossed marble floor, malice and hatred trickled towards him..."

Might it be the sentence structure, the use of 'that' or is it something else?

Thanks for all input.

My take, belated as it may be...

Once you pause to describe the floor, you pull my attention off the character and the fact that malice and hatred are moving toward him. (Or that he's approaching someone or something full of malice and hatred.)

Describing the floor might work better in a different scene, if you feel it necessary to even mention the floor. As a writer, I'd want the reader in suspense, or at least wondering, what was going to happen next. In that case, what the floor looks like is the least of the character's worries.

Drop the that, too. And I didn't know malice and hatred could trickle.

ClimbingMountains · Mar 6, 2012

Purple is my favorite kind of color.

Susan Littlefield said:
In my opinion, the above wording also verges on wordy and purple and sounds just as confusing as the original sentence. While I suspect this trickling of malice and hatred is metaphorical, I can't figure out how either (or both) trickle at all. Neither are external, they are internal reactions, if you will, to something bigger than anger and malice.

While the above is my opinion, I could be way off in my assessment.

Is this sentence incorrect?

Draíocht

Brickcommajason

HoneyBadger

terribly loud, emotionally distant

Draíocht

llamafarmer

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Gilead

Bufty

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owlion

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blacbird

Jamesaritchie

folkchick

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Susan Coffin

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Susan Coffin

Tell it like it Is

BradCarsten

practical experience, FTW

Titan Orion

Demigod of Order

BethS

ClimbingMountains

Susan Coffin

Tell it like it Is

HistorySleuth

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RobJ

jeffo20

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Draíocht

brianjanuary

jaksen

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ClimbingMountains