Deadpan - Acceptable dialogue tag or not?

CharacterInWhite · Mar 1, 2012

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But the fact that you’d live off of KD for a week just so you could get proper electronics to bomb me is flattering,” he deadpanned.

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A beta reader dinged me for using it. I'm like 99% certain I read it in Speak and The Fault in Our Stars.

Yay or nay, AW?

Devil Ledbetter · Mar 1, 2012

If you're using "said" to tag the other 95% of your dialogue, I'd think you could totally get away with something like this.

Every once in a blue moon a dialogue tag more telling than said is needed. When to whip one out is a judgment call.

kuwisdelu · Mar 1, 2012

It falls flat without any context. I can't tell much about the style from one sentence. It could work, but there's not enough to indicate whether it is or not.

Rubay H. · Mar 1, 2012

I liked it. *shrug*
But I would only use it once.

CharacterInWhite · Mar 1, 2012

Rubay H. said:
I liked it. *shrug*
But I would only use it once.

I use it again like 200 pages later.

Glad to know it's not a hard rule or anything. When I say "dinged" I mean the response was more or less "You can't do that."

jjdebenedictis · Mar 1, 2012

I'd use it. It's arguably not a real word ("deadpan" is; "deadpanned" isn't), but I've used made-up words before and stand by that as valid art--if it's done sparingly and with precision.

cathyfreeze · Mar 1, 2012

Have no problem with it. Have more of a problem with the rather over-mouthful of what he says, but can't really ding *that* without context.

EDIT: Although...the whole thing about deadpanning, imho, implies, for me, brevity, for some reason. Otherwise, the joke has too long to stew. Hrm.

cat

leahzero · Mar 1, 2012

"Deadpan" just means devoid of expression. It doesn't specify brevity.

CharacterInWhite · Mar 1, 2012

At least my MS is in a good spot if this is my greatest crisis.

Cacophony · Mar 1, 2012

I liked the image it created in my head. I'd see no reason to pull it.

dangerousbill · Mar 1, 2012

CharacterInWhite said:
A beta reader dinged me for using it. I'm like 99% certain I read it in Speak and The Fault in Our Stars.

Yay or nay, AW?

I've seen it many times.

dpaterso · Mar 1, 2012

Use it? Without hesitation, in the right instance.

Use it for this sentence? Hmm, I dunno. The line doesn't feel as if it benefits from the said bookism. Makes me wonder why the beta reader dinged it. On general principle (said bookisms = "bad") or because it didn't fit the dialogue.

-Derek

Shuemais · Mar 1, 2012

I liked it -- it's original enough to me that I would let it pass by without a second thought.

If you like it, go for it.

little_e · Mar 2, 2012

I winced when I read it. Personally, I wouldn't use it, but as people have pointed out, a lot depends on the context.

quicklime · Mar 2, 2012

CharacterInWhite said:
A beta reader dinged me for using it. I'm like 99% certain I read it in Speak and The Fault in Our Stars.

Yay or nay, AW?

maybe part of the problem is deadpan usually brings to mind a sort of monotone rather than the emotion perhaps expected....in your case, you put "me" in italics, which suggests an emphasis that sort of clashed with the term "deadpan" to my eye.

BethS · Mar 2, 2012

CharacterInWhite said:
I use it again like 200 pages later.

Please reconsider that. It's unusual enough that one use is sufficient for an entire novel. If you use it a second time, it's going to lose whatever credibility and punch it had, and it will start to look ridiculous.

As to its use in the example you gave--it's hard to tell without context. Deadpan is generally used in the context of humor: someone says something very funny or delivers a punchline with a completely straight face. From what little I can tell, the sentence in the OP doesn't seem to qualify.

Susan Coffin · Mar 2, 2012

It's the sentence structure that bothers me. It's too long and I have a hard time believing he said such a long sentence in a deadpan manner, unless the character is a robot or something. Just a suggestion:

"You’d live off of KD for a week just to get proper electronics to bomb me," he deadpanned. "How flattering."

Really, I like the word deadpanned.

The Seanchai · Mar 2, 2012

Seems people have their own opinions on this, but I say don't use it. It just didn't work for me. I'd prefer "said, with a deadpan expression" or something over "deadpanned", to be honest. Just my opinion though

hvysmker · Mar 2, 2012

[FONT=&quot]But the fact that you’d live off of KD for a week just so you could get proper electronics to bomb me is flattering,” he deadpanned. [/FONT]

Deadpan is NOT a speech tag. If you had written "[FONT=&quot]just so you could get proper electronics to bomb me is flattering,” he said, deadpanning," you'd have been okay.

It's an action, a facial expression, but not one involving speech. The same as saying, "he laughed." Laughing or giggling are verbal but not forms of speech. You can't deadpan a sentence any more than you can giggle one. You can "say" something while giggling, though.

Charlie

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Ketzel · Mar 2, 2012

I don't like using "deadpan" as a verb because it does raise the kind of questions people up thread are pointing out. For some it implies a poker-faced telling of a joke, for some it implies a punchy retort delivered in a low key way, etc. Also, I tend to be conservative with grammer and usage, so made-up verbs catch my ear in a bad way. I'm wondering it this would have the correct effect:
"But the mere fact that anyone would live off KD for a whole week just to save enough money for electronics to bomb me is, of course, immensely flattering," he said.

buz · Mar 2, 2012

maybe part of the problem is deadpan usually brings to mind a sort of monotone rather than the emotion perhaps expected....in your case, you put "me" in italics, which suggests an emphasis that sort of clashed with the term "deadpan" to my eye.

This.

As far as "deadpan" in general...I've seen it used as a dialogue tag, but it's awkward-looking to me. I'd be fine with a one-time (necessary) use; more than that and it would become obnoxious, I think.

Quentin Nokov · Mar 2, 2012

hvysmker said:
Deadpan is NOT a speech tag. If you had written "[FONT=&quot]just so you could get proper electronics to bomb me is flattering,” he said, deadpanning," you'd have been okay.

It's an action, a facial expression, but not one involving speech. The same as saying, "he laughed." Laughing or giggling are verbal but not forms of speech. You can't deadpan a sentence any more than you can giggle one. You can "say" something while giggling, though.

Charlie

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This.

I thought it was odd because it's an action not a verbal tag as Charlie stated. To said, 'he said with deadpan expressions' I can O.k. it, but I can see where your beta says 'no'. To me it doesn't work, but others say they like it. So right now I think you have to focus on the rules of writing and judge whether or not you want to break it for your voice to come through.

Also, to use it 200 pages later is leery, but it's your novel and you're the ultimate judge on its content, we're more like the jury, I guess.

BethS · Mar 2, 2012

After having thought a bit about this, I'm coming back to add this:

If the character is saying something humorous in a deadpan way, then please do NOT explain that he is deadpanning, or saying it in a deadpan way. That's as bad as saying, "he joked" or "she teased." It sucks the humor right out of the dialogue when you stop to explain to the reader that something is funny. It's as annoying as a dig in the ribs. It's like the author winking to the reader. "Look! I just wrote something funny!"

Don't. Ever. Do. This.

DeaK · Mar 2, 2012

I like it. My only issue with it is the italicised 'me'. Deadpan means expressionless, and italicising implies expression.

BRDurkin · Mar 2, 2012

I've seen it used more than once before. It didn't bother me when I read it. I probably wouldn't use it in my writing, but more for stylistic reasons than anything else.

Deadpan - Acceptable dialogue tag or not?

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