How do I get better at knowing people?

1. Gain a reputation among your friends and acquaintances as someone trustworthy, able to keep a secret, and willing to listen to their problems.
2. Wait until they confide their secret relationship worries, angst, and troubles in you.
3. Observe their behavior, now fully aware of their thoughts and state of mind.
4. ???
5. Profit.

I was told to 'interview' them. A long list of Q&A as well as a full back story of the life of the character. Its a long process, but the better you understand them, the more real they seem.

Hope this helps!

(unless you actually mean 'real' people. Then, I have no idea. )

Sigmund Freud, he had an unfurnished house
he was a very nosy fellow, so it seems
he had all his friends stand around all day
and tell him their secrets and their dreams

they stood around all day until they got fallen arches
they said, "my feet are killing me! ouch!"
I said, "Sigmund, don't you realise, you've got a gold mine here!
go out and buy yourself a leather couch!"

Chorus:
and that was...
Good Advice!
Good Advice!
Good Advice costs nothing and it's worth the price!
I'll remodel you if you'll only listen to
my Good Advice

-- Allan Sherman

A couple years ago, I was having a few drinks with a high school friend. He mentioned that Pete, another of our acquaintances, was attending his same church. Back in high school, Pete was very religious. The type of religious heavily influenced by talk of the Rapture, the role of Israel in the end days, and the hellbound status of significantly more than 99% of the population. In fact, pretty much the entire world wasn't just mistaken, they were out to tempt him from God. This didn't prevent him from being your friend or hanging out with the group, but that's just how the world was to him.

I asked if Pete had calmed down on that stuff at all.

My friend thought about this and replied, "He still doesn't like that others have different views from him. But at least he accepts that other people do have different views."

I nodded and agreed that it was progress.

I started out doing a degree in psychology many years ago but I found that all we did in the first year was talk about rats in cages and conduct meaningless experiments. I chose psychology because I wanted to find out what made people tick, but by the end of that first year I realized I had learnt far more about human psychology from my English lectures than I ever had in pscyh 101.

All this is just a long-winded way of saying if you want to find out what makes people tick read, read, read - and then read some more!

Everybody wants something. We are all driven by our dreams and desires. Give your characters clear goals and motivation (as Shakespeare did for his characters) and they'll seem more human. They may also start moving around when you're not looking. Watch out for that.

-Derek

Work behind the bar in a good 'local' type of pub/bar, where there are regulars.

Believe me, you will find out more than you want to know about the depths of the human soul. Well, the pissed human soul at least....

I am only half joking - you really will find out a LOT about people.

satyesu said:

What makes them tick, if you know what I mean. Like Shakespeare. He knew people. His characters seem really human.

Click to expand...

Are you saying your characters are not human?

The way to know people is to engage in stories with them.
The question and answer is usually quite a good idea.
Don't be shy of askig people about their life/pastime/books and general knowledge things.
Once you got one topic even if it is not something you enjoy or share yourself it can tell you a lot about them.

IdiotsRUs said:

Work behind the bar in a good 'local' type of pub/bar, where there are regulars.

Believe me, you will find out more than you want to know about the depths of the human soul. Well, the pissed human soul at least....

I am only half joking - you really will find out a LOT about people.

Click to expand...

Haha...not a bad idea.
Bar is usually hectic though and alcohol canflow too much.
I know I workdfe in few and I never use to have time haha..

watch people

read a handful of psych books...I liked "Passionate Couples" and "Mating in Captivity"......I tend to be of the opinion a lot of personal interaction is based on sex/coupling anyway (mom'll like that, should she ever read this thread ).....seriously they sound like sex books, and are, but a lot of the psych seems to transfer. There were a few other books I read too and can't remember, which you can pm me if you like and I can dig out, but reading is secondary to watching/interacting, and asking "why?"

If you live in any big city, go out, sit at a park or a bench. Watch people. Listen to their conversations, study their clothing and walk. You can learn a lot from people just by how they dress, walk, and talk.

Read psychology books by all means, but be careful which ones you choose. Some are 'pop' psychology and aren't necessarily all that accurate. They like to take small differences between, say, men and women that are interesting to psychologists but not perhaps all that significant, and make huge great mountains of pseudo-meaning out of them.

There are also fascinating books you can get in which people recount their dreams or their sexual fantasies. Not books of dream interpretations, but simply, 'I had this dream'.

i will absolutely agree with buffy about which books; I read one that was a collection of bullet-points, a page per gross over-generalization, and that one was utter crap. Most of the good ones ALMOST feel like a waste of time, because on actually reading what they say, you're like "well, duh," its so intuitive...then you realize you hadn't really looked at it that way before though

Read fiction. That's the primary method by which we learn to take on other POVs.

I think you know people better than you think you do. Some things are just logical. For example,

Betray a secret someone told you. Will they get angry? Oh, yeah. How will that anger manifest? Hard to say. They might betray something in return (something you REALLY didn't want known). They might slash your tires. They might egg your house. They might start a bad/false rumor about you. You know this is true but it's up for you to determine how your CHARACTER will respond.

Here's a helpful list someone once gave me that's really helped develop a character's backstory so you know how they'll respond to a given stimuli:

Answer these questions for each character you need to make rock on the page (don't worry if you're not writing a contemporary character. Just change the "apartment" to "cave" or "rocket" and the influences of society into those in your world):

1. Character Name.
2. Where did character grow up?
3. Choose three clubs/sports the character was involved in in high school (if they went to school.)
4. What is a quirk (such as spinning hair around a finger when nervous, etc.?)
5. When decorating an apartment, where would your character shop?
6. What role does money play in your character's life (is a 20" b/w television just as good as a 50" HD flat screen?)
7. Inspiration for Character (i.e., character from a movie, fairy tale, story, etc.)
8. Possible physical features like scars, tattoos, etc.
9. How do you see the character (i.e., sterotype, caricature)
10. Possible conflicts in personality (i.e., likes to watch sports, but hates to PLAY them.)
11. Possible need for change.
12. Values and beliefs (church-going, would the character steal if starving? )
13. How beliefs and values clash (would the character steal if sufficient reason? What is that reason?)
14. What do they need in a mate?
15. Who is the worst person for them to fall in love with?
16. What makes the character emotionally dangerous (seeing someone strike a child, etc.?)
17. What is it about the character that makes it impossible for him/her to simply "walk away" from the crisis of the plot?
18. What does the character most admire about their best friend?
19. What drives the character insane about their best friend?
20. How does the plot help the character learn a lesson or grow?
21. What is the error in thinking during the plot (i.e., thought they could trust someone untrustable, so didn't spot the danger, etc.?)
22. Why do they hold this belief?
23. As a result of this belief, what do they need to learn?
24. What is keeping them from learning it?
25. What are the ways the character tries to "cheat" to keep from having to grow?
26. What event in the external plot forces the character to either grow or change?
27. Pinpoint your character's greatest fear.
28. What is your character's greatest secret?
29. What is your character's best childhood memory?
30. What is your character's WORST childhood memory?

These are the sort of things that Shakespeare was brilliant at. He introduced just enough of the character's past to let the reader know they have one. The prime ingredient in any good book is the reader's belief that before the book opened, the character existed: they were born, they had a childhood, friends, enemies, family, sucky things happen, terrific things happen, etc. The crisis or point of the book is going to interrupt that life.

Good luck!

quicklime said:

read a handful of psych books...I liked "Passionate Couples" and "Mating in Captivity"......I tend to be of the opinion a lot of personal interaction is based on sex/coupling anyway (mom'll like that, should she ever read this thread ).....seriously they sound like sex books, and are, but a lot of the psych seems to transfer. There were a few other books I read too and can't remember, which you can pm me if you like and I can dig out, but reading is secondary to watching/interacting, and asking "why?"

Click to expand...

I have been reading psychology books lately, too. I picked particular ones that were relevant to my novel after completing my third draft. I found that the books were sort of...affirming, I guess, in that what I had imagined for my characters fit quite well with what I've been reading in the psychology books. They also have given me inspiration for other characters. (The two books I've picked up most recently: Motherless Daughters and Toxic Parents.)

I think a character's motivation and past are two of the key elements.

satyesu said:

What makes them tick, if you know what I mean. Like Shakespeare. He knew people. His characters seem really human.

Click to expand...

I have a new friend that is one of those people who is just electrifying. She is always the center of attention. I noticed she asks an abundance of questions, always very informative and piggybacking the previous question. But she does it well...without sounding trite. Its almost like she's a talk show host, but not in a cheesy way.

I'm usually somewhat quiet/shy, so it takes me awhile to get into conversation with people, but I've since tried this tactic myself and it actually seems to work. I've found out more about many of my friends that way.

I've read a bunch of psychology books, but I think these help most when dealing with mentally ill characters. Most people have pretty simple, and pretty basic, motivations.

I believe interacting with as many people as possible, friends, family, and most of all, strangers, is the best thing a writer can do.

Book learning is good, but it can't replace real world interaction.

What James said. I think observing and honestly listening to others is the best way. When I really need to get in the heads of certain personality types, I go for the books. I bought THE SOCIOPATH NEXT DOOR by Dr. Martha Stout specifically for a character I was having trouble understanding. She is my character but I couldn't understand the 'why' of what she was doing. The book explained it perfectly and helped me add richer layers to the character.

In addition to everyone else's suggestions-- think about the character you know best: yourself. Really work to understand yourself, why you do what you do, how you express who you are, where your issues come from and how you deal with stuff. It isn't straightforward and it's a never-ending process, but as I've got to understand myself and my shades and nuances, the shades and nuances of my characters have gotten better [I can't think of a better way to phrase that last part of the sentence... still drinking my coffee, hehe!].

Then try and understand the people closest to you. Really think and try to understand and see how all the things they do and think link together-- especially when they don't seem to. Try to discover the layers.

Once you have a good grasp on the complexities and contradictions of real people, you'll also be able to see and understand the complexities and contradictions of the best characters.

I agree that interacting with others is the best way to "know' people. Go out and become a part of a community and see all people as your teachers. We all have some pretty basic needs in common, yet we are different because of our experiences, what we want out of life, and how we deal with life in general.

It's also important to see all people as valuable and part of the human race whether they are rich or poor, have ten homes or no home at all, etc. etc. (this would include all the juxtapositions society has created to separate people).

Become involved and you will learn much.

Haruspicy.

I've read about so-say mentally ill characters who were obviously assembled from the DSM-IV and weren't so much people as a collection of symptoms. So I'd say a lot depends on how you use the information you find.

Just pay attention to people as you go about your daily life. People standing in line to pay for groceries, or at a book store, or talking as they shop in a supermarket. I wouldn't stare or follow anyone around, but just listen as life moves around you.

Think back to school experiences - school is a constant chain of interactions with young people, teachers, adult staff, etc. It's constantly moving and changing even if you are merely an observer at times, not a participant.

Having a job, the same thing. Attending a wedding, going to church, visiting a friend in the hospital, visiting a family member at a nursing home, and so on, and so on.

If you're a recluse, watch TV. Or read a lot.