Dear John .. advice from the tundra

PorterStarrByrd · Feb 27, 2012

When all sane advice has failed, when the last fetid breath of hope has dissipated there remains one last option. The fuel that can make the dying ember of love into a roaring forest fire in the jungle of love or just cause it to burn your house down can be found right here.

John, a six time loser, (by official count only) is willing to help you with unparallel advice. Drawing from the Dear John Handbook he can provided advice and answers that are sure to change your luck in love.

When he is home, awake, sober, and thawed out you can count on a rushed reply. At other times it is in the generous nature of AW members to step into the breach and do their best to substitute for him

Even now he may be standing by for your “Dear John” letter .. or not

kayleamay · Feb 27, 2012

Dear Porter,

Please change your font. I can't read your post and you've given me a migraine.

Blurve,
Kaylea

PorterStarrByrd · Feb 27, 2012

Aha (and OK ...)
I've been successful in my foray in to love here ... haven't I?

kayleamay · Feb 27, 2012

Okay, I read your post. If I'm understanding you correctly, you have a frozen corpse in your home and you're considering burning your house down. I believe what you're needing is more cow bell.

*gives Porter back his pill bottle*

PorterStarrByrd · Feb 27, 2012

Thank dog that it's clear now ...

cray · Feb 28, 2012

dear ~~porter~~ john,

haggis and qw's luv is mushrooming. in fact it's blooming, burgeoning, expanding, exuberant, going strong, growing, in full swing, thriving, vigorous even.

how can you and silent rob reach the same level?

peace.

PorterStarrByrd · Feb 28, 2012

cray said:
dear ~~porter~~ john,

haggis and qw's luv is mushrooming. in fact it's blooming, burgeoning, expanding, exuberant, going strong, growing, in full swing, thriving, vigorous even.

how can you and silent rob reach the same level?

peace.

As with most difficult love relationships it would work best if I could take the easy way out and probably will. We will sign a mutual suicide pact in which I will solomly vow (snicker snicker) to follow him into the next life to begin our forever together. There COULD be a slight delay in our reunion as I need to finish living the good life first.

piece for you too.

Silent Rob · Feb 28, 2012

Dear John,

As you know, batteries (especially the canadiense ones) are known for projecting their own depraved desires onto others. As an international bearded loveman, might I ask whether you have any battery in you and, if not, whether you'd like some?

Effusive e-blurves,

Rob

PorterStarrByrd · Feb 28, 2012

Dear Rob
Replies of the acid sort are not becomingto you. Relax, close your eyes, and watch the swinging watch ...

You have not read any of the posts in this thread ...

*snap*

Love,
John

NinaK · Feb 28, 2012

Dear John,

A battery, a muppet and a beard,
perfect potential for a truly strange love triangle.

Nina

PorterStarrByrd · Feb 28, 2012

Dear Nina,

If you want to be loved (and obviously you do) you need to love.
Never look at triangles as strange. Each is unique and beautiful, something to be throbbed for. Think perhaps a chihuahua, a beach chair and a little acid. You might reach a new level of happiness with that.

A cool refreshing highly alcoholic beverage might grease the skids. I always recommend one of those as the quickest and surest route to love.

Love
John

NinaK · Feb 28, 2012

Dear John,

As a reputed aficionado of l’amour, your counsel is greatly appreciated. I have visualized your suggestion and decided to act on your advice regarding drinking copious amounts of alcohol. Perhaps then I will be ready for that new level of happiness.

You know me too well,
Nina

PorterStarrByrd · Feb 28, 2012

** marks notch on toilet seat**

PorterStarrByrd · Mar 1, 2012

** marks another notch just to enhance reputation**

Jaycinth · Mar 4, 2012

kayleamay said:
Okay, I read your post. If I'm understanding you correctly, you have a frozen corpse in your home and you're considering burning your house down. I believe what you're needing is more cow bell.

*gives Porter back his pill bottle*

barbecue sauce. under most conditions you can fix corpses with barbecue sauce

PorterStarrByrd · Mar 5, 2012

Dear Jay,
Though you don't appear to be asking for help I can tell that you CRYING for it. I can read between the line.

You are SO close with the barbeque sauce thing, though the corpse thing is a bit passe.

The first thing you want to do is read the label .. if contains, as some do, a great deal of some the the hotter peppers, it can cause a severe burning sensation on bare skin of someone you care about. Before applying it to sensitive areas, you may want to don latex goves. Make sure they are the kind that still have all of the fingers ... this will save you a great deal of pain.

Once that it is done activity will increase. It's sort of a 'play it by ear' thing from then on.

It will not solve all of your many problems, but you may be able to lick this one.

Feel free to consult me for follow-up advice, though I am not an EMT.

Love,
John

cray · Oct 18, 2012

dear universe,

dear world,

dear greece,

dear united states,

dear aw,

deer porter,

who came up with this crap?

who decided it was good?

who decided that they were going to try to tell us it's good even when it's sooooooo far from good it's not even funny?

why, all of a suddden, do people think this is something that people will eat

who did this to us?

why are there actual, real people in the world who eat this crap and then try to convince others that it's actually good and that it's real food?

are the greeks really involved in this at all. strike that, they propably are.

this has to be some sort of joke.

help me, porter. help everyone.
eliminate greek yogurt.

it sucks and i'm not sure wtf is going on in this world where people are trying to sell it to other people telling them that it's food and it's good when clearly it's not food and it's not good there must be some sort of international yogurt federation that is very powerful on the policial scene because otherwise we would be in this particular situation that we're in because

thank you,

cray

Dear John .. advice from the tundra

PorterStarrByrd

nutruring tomorrows criminals today

kayleamay

I'm on the phone.

PorterStarrByrd

nutruring tomorrows criminals today

kayleamay

I'm on the phone.

PorterStarrByrd

nutruring tomorrows criminals today

cray

Superior Life form

PorterStarrByrd

nutruring tomorrows criminals today

Silent Rob

Riff-Raff

PorterStarrByrd

nutruring tomorrows criminals today

NinaK

On the Beach

PorterStarrByrd

nutruring tomorrows criminals today

NinaK

On the Beach

PorterStarrByrd

nutruring tomorrows criminals today

PorterStarrByrd

nutruring tomorrows criminals today

Jaycinth

Your Cuddly Sociopathic

PorterStarrByrd

nutruring tomorrows criminals today

cray

Superior Life form