Writing difficulties from external sources [balancing family/work/writing]

The biggest thing is going to be getting actual support from the DH, which means the two of you find a way to carve out some uninterruptible 'novel time' each week. You're editing now - how did you manage to write it in the first place?

Hmm, yeah, this is going to involve some negotiation with the DH. Either that or hire someone to babysit/clean a few hours a week.

I'm not married and i dont have kids so take my advice with a grain of salt, but i'm a full time chemistry major, which several learning disorders, have a part time job, a boyfriend of 5 years, and a sick mother who I have to help on the weekends. My life for the last 4 years has been hectic as hell, but I've completed 6 books in that time by staying up later every night to write. I'm an insomniac anyway because of stress, and because they is no way to study for everything in a normal hour day. But i take all that time i could be sleeping into interruption-free writing time. Yeah, it leaves me wanting to punch myself in the face the next morning as i guzzle down coffee to keep my body moving, but I get a good word count. The only reason i'm up now at 7:30 am on a sunday is because I didn't sleep last night.

Now yes this is an extreme, and its not for everyone, but maybe it could help to stay up an hour or two later at night every night, and drink an extra cup of coffee in the morning. Anyway, good luck with your edits and i wish you the best of luck figuring this out!

I know what you mean. Writing is the only dream I have left in life. You clearly already put in a ton of dedication, your dream will come true soon enough!

Kate,

Mr. Aggy and I have similar issues (though the specifics of the time breakouts are different). It's a hard row to hoe when your loved one isn't as keen on the writing/editing push as you are. And that is something that you're going to have to figure out.

That being said, there are a few things to consider.

1. Less sleep. As the mother of a three and a half year old with a very small apartment full of cats and dogs, I totally understand how important sleep is. I also know that coffee helps and that setting aside just one night a week to take and extra hour or two WON'T kill you. Doesn't mean you'll feel fresh the next morning, but it is doable.

2. Finding extra time. This always seems impossible, but there is almost always some place to cut out doing something else or to manage how you do something else and get more free time. I cut out almost all my TV watching. Period. (There are a couple of shows I'll watch if it's a brand new episode, but I don't just sit down to watch anything and I don't watch reruns of ANYTHING. Internet usage is also a big one I'm still trying to figure out how to manage.) I also found that if I start laundry first thing in the morning I wind up with less wasted time later in the day. Same goes for running the dishwasher right after dinner and emptying it before bed. (Of course, then it broke so now it's all hand wash. >_<) Once I started really focusing on it, I found ways to get the same amount of stuff done around the house in less time. (Organizing how I pick up stuff around the house into a specific pattern, doing things in the same order EVERY DAY so that it becomes routine and so on.)

3. Talking it out with the Mister is a must. I can't say the writing thing is always smooth. Mr. Aggy still gets frustrated over how long the whole writing/editing/publishing thing takes. But we negotiated how to make time for me to do it. Part of that meant being calm but firm about the time he takes doing things that have nothing to do with the running of the household. (Unlike me, he watches TV a lot. It helps him unwind. I pointed out that writing is my way of unwinding. It's important not to seem like you're attacking him about the things he likes to do though.) There is no perfect solution if a spouse isn't "on board" with one's writing but I've found being specific about what I'm asking for is helpful. Not just "I need time to write," but "I need an hour every other night/three hours once a week/whatever works for you." You might also point out that more time now means you get this project out the door sooner and (in theory) means more time for him down the road. (Don't mention that whole "Now I'll write a second novel" bit. )

4. Even though slow progress sucks a limp one, you have to remember that you won't die if you don't finish that novel right this second. (Seriously, I tell myself this multiple times a day.) You seem to be making steady progress and that's a hell of a lot more than many aspiring authors can say. The important thing is to keep going. Every little bit does add up.

Don't give up. You can get this done.

Aggy, had a 300 word day yesterday

Well, first of all, it if takes two months to edit the manuscript, it takes two months. That's really not an inordinate amount of time for revision.

I don't know how old your children are, but you can arrange for a babysitter a couple afternoons a week? What about a Mother's Morning Out program? Would your husband consider giving you one evening a week?

Ultimately, you may have to resign yourself to writing in these small chunks (and you should congratulate yourself for even trying; I sure didn't, but waited until my oldest went to kindergarten before I got serious about writing), knowing that one day all the young 'uns will be in school and you'll have more time.

KateM said:

How do you balance writing and family and work? How do I create an environment at home that allows me to get something accomplished?

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The trick, as others said, is to carve out extra time without ruining your health, mental or physical.

First, talk with DH. Tell him you need two substantial writing sessions each week to accomplish your goals. One session could be during the day. For that you could hire a babysitter. Or if money is tight, see if you could trade with another stay-at-home parent--you take their kids one afternoon, they do the same for you.

Then, negotiate for one evening with no DH time. Even better if he could take care of the kids that evening to give you a longer session. And take that evening writing session away from home--in a library or a coffeeshop--so that DH or kids don't constantly interrupt you. They won't mean to, but they will, especially at first.

Daddy-Daughter Sundays are my saving grace. My husband and I are separated, though still live (happily- more so than when we were "married") under the same roof, and Sundays are when the kids are all his. I still nurse the baby and swoop in for major crises, but I get a whole day to catch up on housework and write.

I cannot recommend Daddy-Kid Sunday (or Saturday, or Wednesday, or whatever works for you guys) enough.

Does DH demand all your spare time? (Sorry, the way you phrased that leapt out, maybe that's not quite what you meant)

In other words, if you aren't running the house, you spend all your time together? What do you do in this time? Watch TV? Chat? Knit? D) Do you do what he wants, or what you want, or do you negotiate?

You do have to spend time with your other half. But all of it? You have to want to spend that time too.

Negotiate. Everyone needs time for themselves. Everyone.

I write in the evenings - I'm still here, in the same or next room as the Old Man. He doesn't mind - actually he enjoys that he gets to watch programmes that I find boring without me rolling my eyes or trying to steal the remote, or to spend time playing on the computer/whatever else without me telling him off for it. Hell, I've been know to tell him to 'sod off to the pub for a couple of hours will you?', and he never says no!

So we don't spend all our time right there together, doing the same things (that would be ultra boring for us both). We both get me time, and then the time we DO spend together is more fun, because we have stuff to talk about, and it feels more precious too.

Maybe you could couch your negotiations in those terms? That he'd get more time to do things he wants that you don't want to? That a bit of absence makes the heart grow fonder? As the old song says, how can I miss you if you won't go away?

^Yes! My roommate and I "spend time together"/"hang out" while I work on my novel, and she watches TV. She'll even joke like "I'm watching [tv show] if you want to come not watch it with me." Laptops for the win. Maybe he would find that a suitable compromise?

You don't need a LOT of time, just some uninterrupted chunks that will allow you to be more productive. But, I see where your problems are and I'm sorry it's so frustrating. The unfortunate thing is that people can't really tell you how to manage the dynamics of YOUR relationship. You and your husband need to do that yourselves.

My husband is a musician and plays his guitar 1-2 hours 4-5 days a week. When he's playing, I watch our child. When I'm writing, he watches our child. It's a pretty even trade-off.

We are both in school as well and I work full time.

But (and this is the key) our marriage is not based on spending hours upon hours together ALL.THE.TIME.. Because of our busy lives and interests, we have to plan time together, we have to carve it out and it's more about quality than quantity. It's taken us a while to get into the groove and find a method that works for both of us, but I feel we've gotten very close. It's not perfect.

At one point, I do remember telling him, "look, it may seem like I'm not doing a lot when I'm writing or editing, but I am. I need time here. The more uninterrupted time I get, the faster I can get through what I want to do today."

If you've been at this since 2001, then he has to know you're serious about it. If he doesn't, then maybe you need to reiterate that?

I will say that I don't get "awesome" sleep. I do a lot of my writing at night after my couple time and right before bed. I also, like you, take my manuscript everywhere and edit where I can.

I hope you get more time! Sending you good mojo.

I have five children, a husband, and a full-time job. For me, hubby being super supportive is the #1 reason I'm able to do anything at all.

The reality is, I had to make changes that actually hurt at first. I gave up television. I didn't like the feeling of being sucked in anyway, so not a big loss. I also gave up a little of my sleep by getting up earlier every day. Sometimes it's only fifteen minutes. Usually, it's an hour before my entire family wakes up.

Now, the early mornings are my prime writing time. I can churn out a ton of words in that solid hour because I know it's probably the only hour I'll have that day to really focus on it.

I also bring my laptop with me to work. I have an hour lunch break, so days where I really don't get any sleep and getting up early isn't possible, I'll try to write in the car on my lunch break.

Either way, I wanted to cheer you on. It's tough to run a house, work and still find time to write. Even if you can only find fifteen minutes here and there, KEEP AT IT. Sooner or later, you *are* going to finish.

I do not envy you your schedule.

I had a similar one, with three kids (youngest is retarded/autistic and now a young adult), a husband with a three hour commute (total) who arrived home around 9:00 PM most weekdays, and I had a full time job.

My husband was always supportive, got to throw that in here. Even before I got that first check, he knew writing was serious and has always treated it that way. At the present time my writing income pays for a second home we have on Cape Cod. Tell me he doesn't like that.

Here is what I did:

Woke up at 4:00 AM each day. Wrote for an hour, maybe more, then got ready for work and left the house by 6:00 AM. (It was his job to bring the children to daycare and my daycare provider put my children on the bus. The youngest also went to public school, from age 3 and will stop going at age 22.)

I guess I reset my biological clock. I went to bed at night shortly after all three children were asleep. Many nights my husband came home to find us all asleep.

I wrote on weekends. I limited housework - my house was cluttery but not dirty. Husband helped with chores on the weekends and he did ALL the food shopping. All of it. He still does it to this day, even though I am retired and could certainly do it.

I think it's all about priorities, looking at your day and scheduling in writing like a kid schedules soccer practice or a spouse says he has to golf on Sunday. Your needs are as important as theirs, and that is what writing must be - a need that must be fulfilled.

I'm all sorts of confused. Sorry to take away from the original subject, but I wrote this huge post in here about half an hour ago, but I don't see it. It still shows up on my "find all posts" in my profile, but it's not here. Does anyone else see it?

amlptj said:

I'm not married and i dont have kids so take my advice with a grain of salt, but i'm a full time chemistry major, which several learning disorders, have a part time job, a boyfriend of 5 years, and a sick mother who I have to help on the weekends. My life for the last 4 years has been hectic as hell, but I've completed 6 books in that time by staying up later every night to write. I'm an insomniac anyway because of stress, and because they is no way to study for everything in a normal hour day. But i take all that time i could be sleeping into interruption-free writing time. Yeah, it leaves me wanting to punch myself in the face the next morning as i guzzle down coffee to keep my body moving, but I get a good word count. The only reason i'm up now at 7:30 am on a sunday is because I didn't sleep last night.

Now yes this is an extreme, and its not for everyone, but maybe it could help to stay up an hour or two later at night every night, and drink an extra cup of coffee in the morning. Anyway, good luck with your edits and i wish you the best of luck figuring this out!

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Wow.

I'm also a Chemistry student, but I'm only in my second year. How do you do it? I mean I still write, but I'm not really publishing(self or otherwise). I wanted to wait a little bit. Simply because I was afraid to get placed under contract and then have trouble living up to that contract due to school and other things. In that meantime I was going to try to perfect my writing skills as best as I could.

FabricatedParadise said:

I'm all sorts of confused. Sorry to take away from the original subject, but I wrote this huge post in here about half an hour ago, but I don't see it. It still shows up on my "find all posts" in my profile, but it's not here. Does anyone else see it?

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Just checked, I'm not seeing any of your posts moved or deleted or whatnot, sorry. It still shows up in your find all posts by? So can you select that post? Or right-click on the URL and paste it here?

-Derek

Silver-Midnight said:

Wow.

I'm also a Chemistry student, but I'm only in my second year. How do you do it? I mean I still write, but I'm not really publishing(self or otherwise). I wanted to wait a little bit. Simply because I was afraid to get placed under contract and then have trouble living up to that contract due to school and other things. In that meantime I was going to try to perfect my writing skills as best as I could.

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Its really hard. Like i said i cut out sleep to find time for writing when i'm free from school work. So like those first few days after I just took a test in my hardest class. Alot of the time i cant write for weeks and months because school is just too much. Breaks are my major busy time writing. I'm actually not published or anything either though. But i need to write to keep my stress down.

Good luck, I wont lie to you, it gets much much worse with classes Junior year, but if your really good with math dont worry. (I'm not)

Yep, "communication" is one of those really obnoxious bits of advice everyone and their mother gives you - worse than "show, don't tell" - but turns out to be a pretty nifty thing.

I had to use the same technique with carving out writing time that I used with carving out wedding planning time. My husband doesn't respond to generally worded things like "We need to plan this wedding!" or "I just need some time alone to write!" He needed us to work out more specific time frames and such, like, "Next Wednesday, when you come home from work, we're going to figure out what tie you want to wear and what kind of cake we want." or "Every weekday from 3-5pm is uninterrupted writing time."

I'm happy you worked something out, and I hope it continues to work out.

I'm a part-time register monkey at Kmart, but I have plenty of DVDs to watch and video games to play, and I have a huge backlog of VHS tapes to go through and convert what I want to DVD-Rs. Then there's fan-editing movies and watching other people's videos.

But I do manage to get writing time in there. It's been about 2-3 months, and I'm just about done with my first short story, so I figure I'm making good progress, and the later stories in the series should come easier.

I'm glad the DH understands and is giving you the time you need. I'm lucky to have a very supportive husband, although I sometimes have to remind him he's supportive. I'm in the same boat as you - a very busy life, kids, husband, errands, etc.

I actually have my days free but I find I lack creativity in the morning hours. My creativity comes out at night, so I have to work with the hubby to understand why I'm not writing during the day when I have all this free time and why I need to do it at 10 PM at night.