OCD Reading

DamnStraight · Feb 21, 2012

Sparked by an other post...

I want to write fiction, but I'm having a hard time reading it. I understand there is great value in reading, but I've never been great at it.

I have OCD. It causes intrusive anxious thoughts about reading while I'm reading. I'll start worrying I'm not comprehending the story, not visualizing every detail perfectly, or I'm missing something important. I'll start worrying that I can't read. The thick block of pages start to intimidate me. The worrying is obviously hindering the comprehension, but it's difficult to stop.

This also causes me to back track by a couple sentences or paragraphs. I'll reread until it makes sense. Eventually, I'll get frustrated, the book becomes a chore, and I have to give up. This is almost exclusive to fiction. I read a lot of non-fiction alright.

I have SO MANY books that I haven't read. (OCD also causes obsessive collecting). It makes me feel guilty that I have all these books. I feel that my reading goal isn't to enjoy the story, but to get through books. (an intrusive thought. I do enjoy a good story with good characters).

Makes me question my motivations to read and write, which is questioning who I am as a person.

I don't know if anybody has insight, but I have a strong urge to tell this forum.

quicklime · Feb 21, 2012

hmmm......

i don't understand your OCD, although I have a few tendencies towards it I'm not sure it would even be enough to register on any sort of scaled test (everyone has a few quirks). So I"m not going to say "man the hell up," because I assume it isn't that simple. BUT, if you don't read a lot it IS going to make it harder to write well and be aware of the tropes, cliches, and genre expectations out there. So I do believe you need to read, or at least really, really, really should.

reading your post makes me wonder: how can you possibly write? granted, everyone is different, but generally speaking this is where "regular" people if anything drive themselves batshit with second-guessing and freaking out. If you can't read a chapter without obsessing over what you may be missing, how many pages you have left, etc., how do you manage to sit down at a blank page and fill it, without thinking of the fact you still have to add another 79,750 words after that, or worrying that you're going to fail, or whatever else?

I only ask because it sounds like you can control your obsessions there...

Gilead · Feb 21, 2012

The danger might be that you're building up reading as something that has to be done as a part of becoming a writer, rather than something you do for fun. Which means you put it off as something that resembles work, and then feel guilty about all the things you 'should' have read by now, and that you perhaps feel you now need to cram into your head to make up for lost time.

That you can still read non-fiction might indicate that you don't see that form as something you aspire to make a career out of, so you don't feel so much pressure to read it 'properly'.

Do have the same anxiety when watching television? Story is still involved there, after all. Or are you able to relax more because of the difference in medium?

soullesshuman · Feb 21, 2012

I have high anxiety, I understand your worry. However, most importantly that you can't let your anxiety control you (especially to such a degree). I imagine if you struggle so harshly in reading, I worry if this high anxiety and OCD will influence your writing as well.

CaroGirl · Feb 21, 2012

How do you manage with novels that are very short, or even short stories or novellas? It sounds like you're intimidated by the length and it gets worse as you go. If you were to read something shorter, you'd be halfway done before you knew it, which might encouraging rather than off-putting.

DamnStraight · Feb 21, 2012

When I write there is constant rereading and rewriting before I can continue.

DamnStraight · Feb 21, 2012

Gilead said:
Do have the same anxiety when watching television? Story is still involved there, after all. Or are you able to relax more because of the difference in medium?

Watching TV and movies: I'm in my head analyzing characterization, theme, or something abstract. I could miss a lot of details. Like I'll never know the name of characters or parts of what is being said or what is happening exactly.

It doesn't cause much anxiety. I think its like you said about my relationship to books.

dpaterso · Feb 21, 2012

DamnStraight said:
When I write there is constant rereading and rewriting before I can continue.

Me too! Drives me nuts. Not to belittle your problem. Just saying, that in some respects, you're not unique.

-Derek

DamnStraight · Feb 21, 2012

quicklime said:
hmmm......

i don't understand your OCD, although I have a few tendencies towards it I'm not sure it would even be enough to register on any sort of scaled test (everyone has a few quirks). So I"m not going to say "man the hell up," because I assume it isn't that simple. BUT, if you don't read a lot it IS going to make it harder to write well and be aware of the tropes, cliches, and genre expectations out there. So I do believe you need to read, or at least really, really, really should.

reading your post makes me wonder: how can you possibly write? granted, everyone is different, but generally speaking this is where "regular" people if anything drive themselves batshit with second-guessing and freaking out. If you can't read a chapter without obsessing over what you may be missing, how many pages you have left, etc., how do you manage to sit down at a blank page and fill it, without thinking of the fact you still have to add another 79,750 words after that, or worrying that you're going to fail, or whatever else?

I only ask because it sounds like you can control your obsessions there...

I do worry that I'm going to fail. That's why I don't write as much as I should. I avoid that too. When I do write I'm feeling fairly confident. When I'm done writing that confidence diminishes.

soullesshuman · Feb 21, 2012

Just wondering, are you working on this OCD with a therapist or something? It could help if you present this to your therapist/psychologist/etc

DamnStraight · Feb 21, 2012

dpaterso said:
Me too! Drives me nuts. Not to belittle your problem. Just saying, that in some respects, you're not unique.

-Derek

I'm sure that's not exclusive to OCD, but OCD might have its own intensity.

Terie · Feb 21, 2012

Not sure if it will help, but have you tried listening to audiobooks? You can't go back to 'reread' very easily, but on the other hand, you don't have a pile of pages filled with blocks of text to bother you. It might be worth a try.

DamnStraight · Feb 21, 2012

soullesshuman said:
Just wondering, are you working on this OCD with a therapist or something? It could help if you present this to your therapist/psychologist/etc

Yes I am. I've discussed my writing issues. I'm going to talk about reading the next time I see him. This website is sort of supplemental therapy. Not this thread, I feel bad about bringing this up, but exposing my work to criticism is part of the behavior modification therapy.

DamnStraight · Feb 21, 2012

Terie said:
Not sure if it will help, but have you tried listening to audiobooks? You can't go back to 'reread' very easily, but on the other hand, you don't have a pile of pages filled with blocks of text to bother you. It might be worth a try.

I might give this a go.

Layla Nahar · Feb 21, 2012

DamnStraight said:
Yes I am. I've discussed my writing issues. I'm going to talk about reading the next time I see him. This website is sort of supplemental therapy. Not this thread, I feel bad about bringing this up, but exposing my work to criticism is part of the behavior modification therapy.

Why feel bad about bringing it up? Especially if you are trying something to make your situation easier

I'd like to offer something that I hope can help with criticism, as in, posting your work on SYW. When you learn from people how they reacted to your work, rather than calling it 'criticsim', call it feedback, and think of it as an opportunity to improve, rather than as any kind of judgment. It is just people reacting to your work.

DamnStraight · Feb 21, 2012

Layla Nahar said:
Why feel bad about bringing it up? Especially if you are trying something to make your situation easier

I'd like to offer something that I hope can help with criticism, as in, posting your work on SYW. When you learn from people how they reacted to your work, rather than calling it 'criticsim', call it feedback, and think of it as an opportunity to improve, rather than as any kind of judgment. It is just people reacting to your work.

It's intrusive. It's like having two thoughts at the same time. I know it is irrational, but I feel that nobody wants to hear my problems and I'm wasting their time.

Feedback is a good way to put it, but I do have a good attitude about SYW. I don't have a problem with criticism. I actually have a pretty thick skin. My problem is that I am my harshest critic, leading to avoiding writing and creative pursuits in general. When I critique myself, it's not rational or constructive. If I expose myself to others, I will get a more realistic idea of my skills, and have the ability to grow as a writer.

Theo81 · Feb 21, 2012

Right down at the bottom of the main board page, you'll find a link to the "Conquering Challenges" section of the board. It's password protected like SYW (the password is "serenity"). If you ever need support, or just a place to vent, the good and helpful folks down there always have a ready ear - no need to apologise for it, there or here.

I've got two ideas, I've no idea if either will suit.

The first is that reading/writing just may not be your thing. I know your OCD is not unique to this activity, but it *sounds* (and only that) as though you are forcing yourself to do this because it's what you "want" to do. We had a thread recently about the difference between wanting to be a writer and wanting to write. Most of us fall into the second category (but I imagine very loosely. I think most of us just write. It's what we do.)
If writing is your thing, you'll do it. If it isn't, you won't. There's plenty of things I have idle inclinations towards - I don't do them, but I know I would if I wanted them more than I want what I actually do.

It's a big thing to grasp, the idea that it's okay not to do stuff. If it's what you want, you'll do it...eventually. Don't beat yourself up about anything. It's all good.

The second idea is in-line with Terie's suggestion - books take many forms, maybe you haven't yet found the one right for you. What are you reading? Do you enjoy it, or is it something you feel you "ought" to read?

Maybe you could "read along" a book with the audio. Maybe short stories are better for you. Maybe read the books of films you've seen. Maybe try graphic novels. It's about finding a way to process the information in a way that's best for you.

If something is too difficult - or becomes damaging to you or to the other areas of your life - it's important to take a step back from it. Don't force yourself to do stuff because you "ought"; it's counter-productive. :Hug2:

jaksen · Feb 21, 2012

I've taught children with OCD and ADHD. What I would tell them is to read for fifteen minutes and stop. (They would set a timer.) Just read, in a quiet location (I realize a lot of kids read in noisy houses, but I'd tell these kids to try to find a quiet spot.) for that length of time. Then do something else.

Eventually they'd learn to go for 20 minutes or half an hour. Mind you, they are reading a science book, not literature, but they'd find if they did the same thing with a history or literature reading assignment, it also worked. They needed 1. timed reading and 2. quiet.

I would also suggest you read some short novels, with simple or minimal plots. Some of my students with reading issues loved the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. Some read the original script - written like a play.

Reading plays is also another option. You can find them in the library. It's mostly dialogue, with stage directions to give you a sense of location, time, etc.

But whatever you do, don't give up. My sister has ADHD (adult) and can only read brief stretches - 20 minutes at a time. But she still reads and enjoys it.

Archerbird · Feb 21, 2012

DamnStraight said:
Sparked by an other post...
I don't know if anybody has insight, but I have a strong urge to tell this forum.

It's probably not the best advice, but I think you'll just have to do it. I used to read like you, and one day I got so mad that I told myself to not care if I understood or not. To just read the damned thing and get it over with. It helped alot (although I've been obsessing about page numbers after that..ugh). You're in charge, not that shite.

Anyway, just wanted to say that you're not the only one in here with that kind of thing. I don't really have any good advice.

BethS · Feb 21, 2012

DamnStraight said:
When I write there is constant rereading and rewriting before I can continue.

That's actually normal for a lot of writers, including me.

DamnStraight · Feb 21, 2012

Archerbird said:
It's probably not the best advice, but I think you'll just have to do it. I used to read like you, and one day I got so mad that I told myself to not care if I understood or not. To just read the damned thing and get it over with. It helped alot (although I've been obsessing about page numbers after that..ugh). You're in charge, not that shite.

Anyway, just wanted to say that you're not the only one in here with that kind of thing. I don't really have any good advice.

No, I think that's good advice. Maybe I'll read a book like you said, and read it again to see if i can get more from it.

M. Scott · Feb 21, 2012

Just remember, the book isn't going anywhere. If you're afraid of missing anything, it's not unusual to overlook a few things. Rereading can be a joy in itself. Try to read through once, then, if your OCD deems it necessary, give the work another read through.

shaldna · Feb 21, 2012

jaksen said:
I've taught children with OCD and ADHD. What I would tell them is to read for fifteen minutes and stop. (They would set a timer.) Just read, in a quiet location (I realize a lot of kids read in noisy houses, but I'd tell these kids to try to find a quiet spot.) for that length of time. Then do something else.

Eventually they'd learn to go for 20 minutes or half an hour. Mind you, they are reading a science book, not literature, but they'd find if they did the same thing with a history or literature reading assignment, it also worked. They needed 1. timed reading and 2. quiet.

This is a really good suggestion. Gradually you can build up the length of reading, and also, eventually, vary the other distractions around you.

As has already been mentioned - the overcoming challenges board is full of amazing people who simply burst with support and understanding, so you could find some folks with similar issues there who might have more advice to offer.

DamnStraight · Feb 21, 2012

Thanks for all the suggestions. I'm going to read Fahrenheit 451(180 pages), not obsess about the details, and focus on the story. I'll set a goal of 20 minutes at first.

cara · Feb 21, 2012

I agree with the above posters. Also, why not watch films? They work in a similar way to novels, so you can study the structure, character and world building and so on, but you just need to adapt it for paper.

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