How to make it clear who's speaking

Morwen Edhelwen · Feb 6, 2012

So I'm working on The Lady's Got Potential and am up to the bit where Che overhears a conversation between the politician he works for (Eva/Evita) and her husband.
The first post I made of the conversation contained the critique that it was hard to know who was speaking. So how do you make clear a) the number of people in the conversation, and b) who's speaking when someone refers to the other person by their name, without confusing readers?

dpaterso · Feb 6, 2012

Kinda tricky without seeing a couple of example paragraphs. Can you quote 'em here, or link to another post somewhere else?

-Derek

Morwen Edhelwen · Feb 6, 2012

I'm talking in a general way. (Wouldn't posting paragraphs here move it to SYW?)

dpaterso · Feb 6, 2012

No problem with members posting short samples to explain what they mean when they have a question.

The easiest way is to use "said" which to many is an invisible word. Or, insert a minor action in the same paragraph that identifies who's speaking in the paragraph. Just for fun example's sake,

"So how," Morwen said, "do you make clear a) the number of people in the conversation, and b) who's speaking when someone refers to the other person by their name, without confusing readers?"

"Kinda tricky without seeing a couple of example paragraphs," Derek said. "Can you quote 'em here, or link to another post somewhere else?"

"I'm talking in a general way," Morwen said. "Wouldn't posting paragraphs here move it to SYW?"

Derek shook his head. "No problem with members posting short samples to explain what they mean when they have a question."

...is that what you meant?

-Derek

Morwen Edhelwen · Feb 6, 2012

ha ha ha yeah something like that

Morwen Edhelwen · Feb 6, 2012

More seriously, here's the sample ("him" refers to the President):

Señora Valverde asked, “What about the fact UFCO’s paying him? CIA operatives’ve been spotted on security footage from the Presidential Palace at all hours. Where else would he get all the money and resources to make all those dirigibles? Not to mention the androids- artificial genes cost an arm and a leg. It’s only a-”

Her husband finished the sentence. “- matter of time before there’s a coup. Eva?”
She turned around and looked him in the eye. “Juan.”

dpaterso · Feb 6, 2012

I followed that just fine.

-Derek

Morwen Edhelwen · Feb 6, 2012

thanks.

Baconbits · Feb 6, 2012

Morwen Edhelwen said:
More seriously, here's the sample ("him" refers to the President):

Señora Valverde asked, “What about the fact UFCO’s paying him? CIA operatives’ve been spotted on security footage from the Presidential Palace at all hours. Where else would he get all the money and resources to make all those dirigibles? Not to mention the androids- artificial genes cost an arm and a leg. It’s only a-”

Her husband finished the sentence. “- matter of time before there’s a coup. Eva?”
She turned around and looked him in the eye. “Juan.”

(Him) refers to "The President" but not her husband? I wasn't very clear on that by the last two paragraphs.

I'm figuring you're in third person pov. You just have to make sure the reader is clear as to who is speaking to who, like that last sentence I can't tell if she is speaking to her husband or the president or they are one in the same person.

There's been on occasion that I've read a book and I got lost in the dialog between two people because of a lack of tag lines. I try to vary between what I use when writing dialog, since my work tends to be heavy on dialog, I try to combine it with internal perspective (since I write first person pov,) external action, speech patterns, what is actually be said, and tag lines. I use tag lines usually of said and asked, every now and then retorted and responded, whispered and yelled, but that's about it. I just try to make sure it is clear to the reader who is speaking. If in doubt I add a tag just to be sure. If it isn't needed later I take it out.

slashedkaze · Feb 6, 2012

It's probably better to use a lot of tag lines rather than risk confusing the reader. I find it really frustrating when I read a book and have to go back over chunks of dialogues because I don't know who said what, while thinks like 'said X' can clear that up without drawing too much attention. If you fear your reader will become confused because there's too many characters, maybe you can sum up parts of the dialogue? I don't know the exact situation here.

Buffysquirrel · Feb 6, 2012

The problem for me always lies in the 'he said she said' game. That's when there's lots of unattributed dialogue, and I end up running my finger down the lines going, okay, he said that, she said that, he said.... More than once I've discovered that way there's simply a line of dialogue missing, so it goes he said she said she said he said.

You can also give your characters ways of speaking that make them recognisable, and then you can start leaving out attributions. I have a character who rambles and rambles, and you always know when he's talking....

BethS · Feb 6, 2012

Morwen Edhelwen said:
More seriously, here's the sample ("him" refers to the President):

Señora Valverde asked, “What about the fact UFCO’s paying him? CIA operatives’ve been spotted on security footage from the Presidential Palace at all hours. Where else would he get all the money and resources to make all those dirigibles? Not to mention the androids- artificial genes cost an arm and a leg. It’s only a-”

Her husband finished the sentence. “- matter of time before there’s a coup. Eva?”
She turned around and looked him in the eye. “Juan.”

You said "him" refers to the president--and is the president her husband? Because that's what the pronoun suggests. If "him" is not her husband, then it needs to be made clear who "him" refers to.

Rooke · Feb 6, 2012

I think part of this problem ( and maybe other SYW submissions ), is that when only given a sample of the work, it isn't entirely established what characters are actually present in the scene to be carrying on the dialogue ( as opposed to the full work ).

...
Her husband finished the sentence. “- matter of time before there’s a coup. Eva?”
...

It's not setup in our minds as readers of only a sample, that the husband is there - whereas in the full scene, we probably know the husband is there and so will be ready to attribute dialogue to him.

So it may not necessarily be you or your writing.

You could give a short summary of the lead up to the scene, or list the participating characters ( like you sort of have for the President ) ...

Orianna2000 · Feb 6, 2012

When there's a conversation between more than two people, it can get tricky. You need to make it clear who's speaking at all times by using "said" tags, as well as action tags.

"I don't know what to do," Marta said.

Jack stepped forward. "Did you try talking to him?"

"Of course I tried talking to him!" She crossed her arms and began to pace. Her long skirt whispered with every step. "He wouldn't listen."

"You'll have to find a way to make him listen," Luke said.

"But how?" Marta shook her head. "You know him--the man's as stubborn as a donkey."

"And not nearly as handsome," Luke added with a snigger.

John heaved a sigh. "We could call in Alex. He always listens to Alex--"

"Alex is in Bermuda," Luke interrupted. "Won't be back for another six weeks."

"I'm doomed," Marta said. She clenched her fists, twisting the delicate fabric of her skirt. "We'll never convince him on our own and we haven't time to wait for Alex to return."

You see how it bounces between them? You always know who is saying what, but without an endless series of "he said" and "she said".

One other thing I wanted to mention, just a quick critique of your example paragraph: when you're indicating interrupted speech, you want to use an em-dash, not a hyphen. An em-dash is basically a double dash (--), though some word processing programs will automatically turn a double-dash into a long dash, which is prettier. Technically, you can choose to put a space on either side of the em-dash or not, but it's important to be consistent. You should probably also put the tag after the interrupting speech, not before, just so it flows better.

". . . It’s only a-”

Her husband finished the sentence. “- matter of time before there’s a coup. Eva?”

". . . It’s only a--"

"--matter of time before there’s a coup," her husband finished. "Eva?"

Hope this helps!

Edited to Add: You might want to check out the book Dialogue by Gloria Kempton. It's been a big help to me.

Bufty · Feb 6, 2012

I can't say I know what they are talking about from the excerpt, but as far as who is speaking goes there's nothing wrong with it except for the lack of clarity re the 'him'. As originally written, the 'him' refers to the husband.

Morwen Edhelwen said:
More seriously, here's the sample ("him" refers to the President):

Señora Valverde asked, “What about the fact UFCO’s paying him? CIA operatives’ve been spotted on security footage from the Presidential Palace at all hours. Where else would he get all the money and resources to make all those dirigibles? Not to mention the androids- artificial genes cost an arm and a leg. It’s only a--”

Her husband finished the sentence. “- matter of time before there’s a coup. Eva?”

She turned ~~around~~ and looked ~~him~~ the President in the eye. “Juan.”

Morwen Edhelwen · Feb 6, 2012

BethS said:
You said "him" refers to the president--and is the president her husband? Because that's what the pronoun suggests. If "him" is not her husband, then it needs to be made clear who "him" refers to.

Her husband does become president, but he's not president yet. The man referred to in this dialogue is the current president.

slb · Feb 6, 2012

You can also put in action from the participants. Someone coughed, raised his/her voice, shuffled feet, drank something. This way, you'll avoid a lot of tag lines but still denote the speaker. Is the listener also watching or unable to see the speakers? The answer can determine some of the action and help the reader keep track of the speakers.

IceCreamEmpress · Feb 6, 2012

"He said" is often far more invisible than "he shuffled his feet." Don't go overboard in replacing dialogue tags with action beats, because at its most extreme, reading becomes as exhausting as watching a tennis match.

Cavalier · Feb 6, 2012

I avoid "He said/she said" myself. Using actions to describe what they are doing whilst they are conversing is a good way to make the banter a little more realistic. Also, and I have a hard time with this one myself, if there's more than one person in a paragraph ('X gave Y a cookie before turning away. "It's raisin oatmeal," he lamented.' Which one lamented?) to keep the direction. Alter sentence structure if necessary. ('Giving Y a cookie, X turned away. "It's raisin oatmeal," he lamented.')

Morwen Edhelwen · Feb 7, 2012

Thanks, Cavalier!

RobJ · Feb 7, 2012

IceCreamEmpress said:
"He said" is often far more invisible than "he shuffled his feet." Don't go overboard in replacing dialogue tags with action beats, because at its most extreme, reading becomes as exhausting as watching a tennis match.

Agreed.

SerialWriter · Feb 7, 2012

dpaterso said:
I followed that just fine.

-Derek

so did I

The Seanchai · Feb 8, 2012

I just typically use he said/she said. Soemtimes I'll insert action beats just to mix it up. I find this works well for me. I also am fond of names--especially since I write lesbian novels and she can refer to either of the girls.

How to make it clear who's speaking

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