sentences without verbs

goldmund · Jan 28, 2012

Consider this hypothetical fragment:

She ran into the forest and looked around. Black trees. Ominous birds watching the intruder.

Now, in Polish this works perfectly. Ommiting a verb (The trees were black. Ominous birds were watching/watched the intruder.) is a nice effect because it lends immediacy to the scene and also enlivenes a paragraph.

I have noticed, however, that some American editors consider such practice odd. Maybe they don't tell me to cut, but they voice their doubts and generally, I think, consider it some frivolous oompha-poompha instead of a normal writing style. Is that right?

Xelebes · Jan 28, 2012

Are you writing for an American audience? I would say it is a perfectly fine example of staccato.

Dr.Gonzo · Jan 28, 2012

I see example of that in many books. It's fine for fiction.

Melhael · Jan 28, 2012

I think it depends on the effect you want to produce.

Your example is, I'd say, poetic. It is not standard, plain prose. But if poetic effect is what you're gunning for, then it's great. Effect achieved.

goldmund · Jan 28, 2012

Hm, maybe I was just clumsy and unclear in the stories in question, then.
Now I think of it, in my line of work (On-Air promos) it happens all the time:
One mission.
Two ninjas.
And 5 tons of semtex in a hijacked train!

LynnKHollander · Jan 28, 2012

Some American readers don't like it very much.
What's the definition of 'sentence' in Polish?
I would say the black trees and the birds are items in an informal list.
Are you seriously advocating ad copy as an example of good writing or good grammar?

pegasus · Jan 28, 2012

goldmund said:
She ran into the forest and looked around. Black trees. Ominous birds watching the intruder.

Seems fine.

Jamesaritchie · Jan 28, 2012

A sentence in fiction or nonfiction doesn't automatically need a verb, if it's given context from the previous sentence. You aren't breaking any rules of grammar by doing this.

I would tread lightly with such usage. It gets old fast, and like cayenne pepper, a little bit goes a long way.

Thought I should add a bit. While you can get away with such usage on occasion, you do have to be very selective, and you'll make American editors and American readers complain a whole lot less if you join sentences, rather than breaking too many of them up into verbless construction.

Arkie · Jan 29, 2012

Try this experiment. Take any page of your prose and delete 50% of the words. Take out all the prepositions, verbs, adverbs, adjectives and my guess is you will still be able to see the gist of the information you're trying to convey, on that specific page.

I learned the trick of spare writing years ago in the military messaging system, in receiving and writing message-formatted reports to command headquarters--providing a lot of key information in a very compacted space. But I don't like reading this style of writing and I suspect most other book readers don't either. I find sentences read best in the S-V-O format.

Gilead · Jan 29, 2012

The example given reads fine to me, but I agree with others that this sort of technique works best if used sparingly.

On the other hand, this thread also reminded me of Finch, by Jeff Vandermeer. The novel very heavily relies on that staccato style in an attempt to create a noirish, bleak feel. Example paragraph from Finch:

Elsewhere, bulbs burn fierce or dull, like mismatched cousins. Always, a ghastly yellow haze. A curling faded wallpaper that sometimes isn't. Smells that change by the hour, dictated by the currents in the basement. Walls knocked out. Old furniture piled high. A courtyard through the middle of the hotel. The basement is awash in water, an intrusion from the River Moth.

Interesting to read and I got used to it fairly quickly, but reviews indicate some found the style quickly irritating.

Jamesaritchie · Jan 29, 2012

Gilead said:
The example given reads fine to me, but I agree with others that this sort of technique works best if used sparingly.

On the other hand, this thread also reminded me of Finch, by Jeff Vandermeer. The novel very heavily relies on that staccato style in an attempt to create a noirish, bleak feel. Example paragraph from Finch:

Interesting to read and I got used to it fairly quickly, but reviews indicate some found the style quickly irritating.

Staccato style isn't really the problem. Count the verbs in the example you posted.

Gilead · Jan 29, 2012

Jamesaritchie said:
Staccato style isn't really the problem. Count the verbs in the example you posted.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to give the impression I thought the example I posted contained no verbs at all. I was using that paragraph to indicate a similar style to the sentences used in the original post. Remember that Finch keeps to the style used in that example paragraph for the length of the entire text.

I'm not sure what you meant by 'Staccato style isn't really the problem'. I didn't personally find it a problem, but those reviewers who commented unfavourably on the way the book was written said things like 'Sentences were too abrupt and exhausting to read' and 'The sentences are clipped and I often lost the train of thought' and 'Even worse was Vandermeer's particular voice, which seems to leave the verbs out of more than half of his sentences'.

Niiicola · Jan 29, 2012

Just to be clear, "Black trees" is not a sentence. It's a fragment, and it's not technically correct English. But that's not to say you can't do it. In fiction, you've got a lot of leeway. Some people are grammar purists, and that's why they're calling it out, but as long as you're not going overboard, you should be fine with this. It makes for a nice cadence and also has a strong impact. I tend to like this kind of stuff interspersed with complete sentences.

bonitakale · Jan 30, 2012

Niiicola said:
Just to be clear, "Black trees" is not a sentence. It's a fragment, and it's not technically correct English. But that's not to say you can't do it. In fiction, you've got a lot of leeway. Some people are grammar purists, and that's why they're calling it out, but as long as you're not going overboard, you should be fine with this. It makes for a nice cadence and also has a strong impact. I tend to like this kind of stuff interspersed with complete sentences.

Ditto this. Definitely not sentences, definitely okay if not overused.

It's useful, for instance, if the same scene is repeated more than once. (Tall oak. Robin's nest. Scarred rock. Three hours, and she was back where she had begun.)

Characters waking in a strange place, like a hospital, often note things this way--White sheets, white ceiling, curtains around the bed--not home. Rita's house? No.

But it does have the effect of a list. If there's no reason for the character to be listing things in his head, there's no reason not to use sentences. Usually. Most of the time. With exceptions.

tmesis · Jan 30, 2012

Niiicola said:
Just to be clear, "Black trees" is not a sentence. It's a fragment, and it's not technically correct English. But that's not to say you can't do it.

It's not so much incorrect as informal. In a fragment, parts of the clause are elided. It's known as ellipsis (not to be confused with the punctuation mark of the same name):

[There were] black trees [and] ominous birds watching the intruder.

But it's still grammatical, and it's still understandable without those words. The reader or listener just assumes them.

The distinction is useful, I think, because we can distinguish between sentences that make sense and are grammatical and sentences that don't make sense and aren't, e.g. There black trees ominous.

goldmund · Jan 30, 2012

Thank you people, I haven't thought about it this way (that the words are there, just omitted) and treating it as images.

LynnKHollander -- a copy is an idiocy maybe, but this idiocy buys my kid his boots. And we have -16 Celsius right now.

Jamesaritchie · Jan 30, 2012

Gilead said:
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to give the impression I thought the example I posted contained no verbs at all. I was using that paragraph to indicate a similar style to the sentences used in the original post. Remember that Finch keeps to the style used in that example paragraph for the length of the entire text.

I'm not sure what you meant by 'Staccato style isn't really the problem'. I didn't personally find it a problem, but those reviewers who commented unfavourably on the way the book was written said things like 'Sentences were too abrupt and exhausting to read' and 'The sentences are clipped and I often lost the train of thought' and 'Even worse was Vandermeer's particular voice, which seems to leave the verbs out of more than half of his sentences'.

I mean many writers use a staccato style, and are loved by millions of readers. Some readers love it, some don't. It's simply a matter of taste.

True sentence fragments will cause any editor, and most readers, to pause, and possibly reach for a rejection slip, or another book. Even staccato writing needs either complete sentences, or understood sentences, and not true fragments.

The problem is sentence fragments, staccato or not.

BrianKittrell · Jan 30, 2012

I've never liked the practice since it does violate the rules--a sentence consists of at least a subject, a verb, and a full stop punctuation. I don't usually enjoy reading it at length.

That being said, lots of popular writers do it. Lots of them get away with it, and lots of them establish fanbases that love the style. The same goes for the ones who don't use it.

My deeper opinion? When I see a new writer doing this, it's often to make their writing punchier without improving their craft. When done well, it can be pleasing, but when done out of laziness or a lack of skill, it really shows.

Edit to add: Inside dialogue/between quotes is a little different. People don't always speak with verbs (or a proper subject, and so forth), but the narrative should be treated differently than the dialogue.

LynnKHollander · Jan 31, 2012

goldmund said:
Thank you people, I haven't thought about it this way (that the words are there, just omitted) and treating it as images.

LynnKHollander -- a copy is an idiocy maybe, but this idiocy buys my kid his boots. And we have -16 Celsius right now.

~~AD copy, as in 'advertising'. "Winstons taste good like a cigarette should" ~~as grammar this sucks, but apparently it sold the brand.

goldmund · Jan 31, 2012

Yeah, I meant this sort of copy, I write film trailers for a living.

VoireyLinger · Jan 31, 2012

I do this all the time. A sentence fragment can help in setting tone and the staccato nature of broken narrative can add tension to a passage. My editor has never 'fixed' any fragments I've given her, so it's not a problem for her, either.

LynnKHollander · Jan 31, 2012

goldmund said:
Yeah, I meant this sort of copy, I write film trailers for a living.

In that case, I don't understand your comment. I did not mention money.

Mclesh · Jan 31, 2012

VoireyLinger said:
I do this all the time. A sentence fragment can help in setting tone and the staccato nature of broken narrative can add tension to a passage.

Agreed.

Ken · Jan 31, 2012

goldmund said:
Consider this hypothetical fragment:

She ran into the forest and looked around. Black trees. Ominous birds watching the intruder.

... if you want to streamline this particular sequence, I'd do this instead:

She ran into the forest ~~and looked around~~. Black trees surrounded her. And this third sentence is a bit out of whack --> (Ominous birds watching the intruder.)

You're switching subjects, from what she is doing to what the birds are doing in the course of a single paragraph. You're also describing her as 'she' at first and then as an 'intruder,' which is a shift in perspective from the narrator's to the birds'. I'd stick with the pronoun and keep it in the narrator's voice and say --> 'Ominous birds watched her,' or something of the sort.

ps The switch of tenses from past to present is okay, but again you are asking too much of readers to follow all these twists and turns. Space them out more with paragraph breaks and whatnot if you're going to employ them.

goldmund · Jan 31, 2012

LynnKHollander: I was under an impression that you were dissing copywriting as a source of craft learning. It is pretty crass, but some have to suffer doing it, is all I wanted to say.

Ken: ah thanks, but I don't care for these 3 sentences at all, it's not from a WIP or anything, just something out from a sleeve to illustrate the problem.

sentences without verbs

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Delerium ex Ennui

Wonderfully Irreverent

Indie writer

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practical experience, FTW

a reader's ear and a writer's heart

Twitchy

bibbidi bobbidi boo

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Writer

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Angel Wing Fetish

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It's too hot

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