I know this is silly but...

sol_ · Jan 21, 2012

Ok, I know this is really silly, but I want to get this out of my system...

For the best part of last year I have worked on a manuscript that is nearly finished. It's YA soft sci-fi. I'm really happy with the way it turned out and I'm considering the path of publication but there is something that is bugging me and won't let me go...

My dad (here's the silly part) is a literary connoisseur - or a snob, depending on your point of view. He is into the classics and literary fiction and poems and the beauty of prose. He instilled the love of reading and 'high' literature in me and I admire him so much and I'm so thankful for it. When in the mood, he's also into genre literature for a quick read, and he also loves hard sci-fi (another thing he taught me to love).

The ugly and silly thing about all of this is that I'm afraid to show him my work. It's YA (although written in a more literary style) and soft sci-fi/fantasy. I tackle big themes, but he's just not into fantasy and he won't be caught dead reading a YA book (apart from Catcher in the Rye, he adores that book). While my mother would be cool with it, since she's not a big reader and whatnot... I -irrationally - feel like it will be a double failure in his eyes... when all I want is to make him proud. I'm even thinking about writing a literary novel just to show him that 'I can do that too, Dad!'. And I guess I'm totally betraying my young age here.

So, how stupid am I? And... did anyone else feel this way, at the start? The crippling fear that your work won't be good enough for your friends/family? Is it normal? Any advice?

Tyrannosaurus Rex · Jan 21, 2012

I have the opposite problem: my parents, though avid readers, are too soft on me when critiquing my work. They tell me I'm a much better writer than I actually am.

Bufty · Jan 21, 2012

Afraid to show him?

I would be extremely hurt and horrified to learn my son or daughter were afraid to show me something they had done and were proud of, or ask my advice on an aspect of it where they thought I might be able to help.

Are you absolutely sure you are not prejudging your dad's reaction here?

If he's as educated as you say he is I am certain he will support his child's pride in any achievement, including the starting and finishing of a novel, which is quite an accomplishment for a young person.

I would be very proud of you.

Pick your moment, maybe with mum's help and you may be pleasantly surprised - I hope so.

On a separate issue, some time ago I told my son I was very proud of him and his family and what he had achieved. Some months later the subject cropped up in a roundabout manner and I mentioned in passing that he had probably been aware I was proud of him. To my amazement he said "No. Not until you said so, Pops" and it dawned on me that despite what I had felt and thought for decades, I had apparently never said the precise words that I was proud of him. I was sure I had, but not so, it seems.

Everybody wants their parents to be proud of them. I'm sure you will find that both of yours are.

Good wishes.

robjvargas · Jan 21, 2012

OK, first, second, and third to me is:

This ain't silly. These two people, as parents should rightly be, are the foundation of what you've become. That matters. And it should.

Now, having said that, do you REALLY think your parents would knock you so harshly that they wipe this out of you?

Of course not. They're going to be proud that you tried, and completed. You set out to do something, and you did it. That's a point of pride that they are going to highlight.

You're worrying about the unknown. But, really, it's not *that* unknown, is it?

Zaziki Sauce · Jan 21, 2012

Think of your target audience. Your dad might not like it (although he will be darn proud of you because finishing a novel is an accomplishment), but maybe your work will be adored by millions of readers. My dad just told me that I dream too much of becoming an author. But that is not going to stop me from writing

buz · Jan 21, 2012

So, how stupid am I? And... did anyone else feel this way, at the start? The crippling fear that your work won't be good enough for your friends/family? Is it normal? Any advice?

About as stupid as I am.

I can't offer you any sage words (but them's already been offered, and so early on, too--I'm sure there's more), but I will tell you I have a similar fear. Not quite the same, but...well.

The story I've written involves a lot of vulgarity. And obscenity. And sexual innuendo. It's also very, very strange. My mom is from a southern Baptist family. She would not be caught dead saying, writing or reading the word 'vagina' and thinks doing yoga is the extreme end of the 'unusual and exciting' spectrum. I would be absolutely mortified if she were ever to read it. I think she would think I was on drugs. I think she would try to stage an intervention. Seriously. I think she would be freaked the hell out.

At the same time, I know how much it would hurt her if she ever found out that I wrote a book and didn't tell her. Actively kept it from her, in fact.

So...I don't know. I have no solution. If only I could say "Mom, I wrote a book. I wanted to tell you because I know you'd want to know, but please for the love of God don't ever read it." But I can't. Because she'd go ahead and read it anyway. Impossible woman, let me tell you.

Anyway. As I said, none of this is an intelligent answer or advice, but I do understand where you're coming from.

jjdebenedictis · Jan 21, 2012

I'll take a different tack here.

You don't have to show your parents your writing. You don't have to tell anyone you know that you're writing at all.

You can quietly do this, and work toward publication, and when you get a book contract, then tell your parents that you're going to be a published author.

The jolt of that surprise will probably over-ride any inclination they might have to "help" by offering to critique your work.

I'm suggesting this as a possible way to handle it because I suspect what you're scared of is that your dad, whose opinions you respect, might not like what you've written simply because it doesn't fit his tastes. And that's entirely possible, given what you've said about his reading choices.

So if it feels better for you, don't even tell him you're a writer until you can show him objective proof that, even if it's not his cup of tea, you really are good at this. And then sincerely thank him for turning you on to literature in the first place.

He's going to be proud of you, regardless, but I understand how painful it can be to have someone you love offer an opinion that is misguided simply because they don't really understand what you're doing.

Zaziki Sauce · Jan 21, 2012

J.K. Rowling has regretted never telling her mother about Harry Potter.

dangerousbill · Jan 21, 2012

sol_ said:
The ugly and silly thing about all of this is that I'm afraid to show him my work.

1. Your father is a literary connoisseur and you expect that he'll apply the same standards to you that he applies to Cicero and Melville.

2. A family member is the last person to ask to critique your work. Put on his shoes: Suppose he trashes your work (justifiably), then what? Suppose he gives it a glowing review that isn't accurate, then what? That's a terrible position to put your own father in.

3. Finish your story and perhaps a round of edits before showing it to anyone at all, family or stranger. Critiques now can derail your thought processes at this delicate stage.

Tyrannosaurus Rex · Jan 21, 2012

dangerousbill said:
Finish your story and perhaps a round of edits before showing it to anyone at all, family or stranger. Critiques now can derail your thought processes at this delicate stage.

That's a piece of advice that would benefit me too. Whenever I write a chapter, I have a tendency to want to show it to people for critique even if the whole story gets scrapped later.

jaksen · Jan 21, 2012

You could approach it in a roundabout way, like hey Dad, what would you think if I told you I'm working on this novel and...

Don't show it to him right away. Get his reaction first. Let it sink in that hey, my kid is writing a novel. Talk about it with him. Tell him it's not exactly literary, but it's something you're proud of, that his influence (in encouraging an interest in literature) helped in the writing.

Tell him you'll show him - when you're ready.

Parents are our worst critics and our biggest cheerleaders and they can play both roles simultaneously. We'll always want to please them, but sometimes we simply can't.

In an aside totally unrelated to your situation, I wish my Dad had lived long enough to see me published. I can't even imagine how excited and thrilled he would have been.

(Oh, and if you are published, tell him that he'll be in the dedication.)

Buffysquirrel · Jan 21, 2012

Your doubts make perfect sense to me. But you never know what he'll say until you dive in and find out. Usually I find that suspense is more painful than knowing.

Usually.

Lifelongdagger · Jan 22, 2012

Hi Sol.

Not wishing to appear obtuse, but I'm wondering if your fear of showing your dad your manuscript has less to do with your manuscript and more to do with your relationship with your dad.

Good luck with the novel. And most of all, try and get to the stage where YOU are proud of your work. Get there, and the need for external validation - even from your own dad - will somehow feel that little bit less important.

All the best,

Ian

sol_ · Jan 22, 2012

Wow, thank you so much, everybody! I was feeling really pathetic about this and your words are helping a lot. Sometimes you have to get things off your chest, huh?

On a separate note, I'd like to add that my father isn't some crazy goatee-stroking turtleneck-wearing artistique snob... The poor man is the funniest and most unpretentious person ever, he just has terribly sophisticated tastes in literature. You could say he is narrow-minded, I guess. It's his prerogative, but it just makes life just that little bit harder for his writing offspring...!

Bufty said:
On a separate issue, some time ago I told my son I was very proud of him and his family and what he had achieved. Some months later the subject cropped up in a roundabout manner and I mentioned in passing that he had probably been aware I was proud of him. To my amazement he said "No. Not until you said so, Pops" and it dawned on me that despite what I had felt and thought for decades, I had apparently never said the precise words that I was proud of him. I was sure I had, but not so, it seems.

This is really sweet. Sometimes we leave the essential things unsaid.

jjdebenedictis said:
So if it feels better for you, don't even tell him you're a writer until you can show him objective proof that, even if it's not his cup of tea, you really are good at this. And then sincerely thank him for turning you on to literature in the first place.

You know, I have been toying with this idea. I have written my manuscript without telling anybody (just another writer friend), I could seek publication without anybody knowing too. I know I'd feel a lot more confident in my work if I presented it to him with a contract from a publishing house

Food for thought, thank you.

jaksen said:
(Oh, and if you are published, tell him that he'll be in the dedication.)

Buzhidao, I hope you find a solution to your problem too! Keeping my fingers crossed for you

By all means keep chiming in... This is really helpful. Thank you again.

randi.lee · Jan 22, 2012

dangerousbill said:
1. Your father is a literary connoisseur and you expect that he'll apply the same standards to you that he applies to Cicero and Melville.

2. A family member is the last person to ask to critique your work. Put on his shoes: Suppose he trashes your work (justifiably), then what? Suppose he gives it a glowing review that isn't accurate, then what? That's a terrible position to put your own father in.

3. Finish your story and perhaps a round of edits before showing it to anyone at all, family or stranger. Critiques now can derail your thought processes at this delicate stage.

I agree with critiques derailing your thought process. It's like telling someone the potential name of your baby before you give birth; should you receive negative criticism for a name you love you're more likely to scrap that name and go with something else.

As far as being afraid to show the work to your father: I can see where you are coming from. When I published I was terrified of showing my work to anyone I knew because writing is such a personal experience for me. Showing it to strangers was fine, but some of my family members still do not know I have a book on the market.

backslashbaby · Jan 22, 2012

I think I might know what you mean, because my dad is the same way, except he also hates the very literary work. He's an old school sci-fi snob, mainly. But the man always has a book in his hand and reads widely, even if he would never pick up my little genre out of choice.

And he is actually my best beta in the world

He's not at all interested in my genre usually, but he knows enough about writing that he knows what I'm shooting for.

The way we work it, he notes the parts he hates and tells me why. I disagree due to genre about a lot of those points, which he understands. The rest are awesome points that help so much.

I go to others to beta for the specific genre.

He doesn't like what I write very much. But he thinks I do it well, if that makes sense

It works for me. I'm glad he's tough and snobbish, because I don't get the fluff answers you can get from friends and family with him

I also have him reading works he'd never usually read so he can see what's done in my genre. It's all very methodical. Your dad might enjoy that, too, if you give it a shot. Or not

Good luck either way!

bearilou · Jan 22, 2012

I was terrified the first time I showed my mother something I wrote. She doesn't read the same genre I write in and I was afraid I'd get the 'that's nice, dear. you were always so talented. it's good to see you following your dreams' said through a froze, forced smile.

Should I mention this wasn't long ago? Should I also mention I'm no longer a spring chicken?

It happens to the best of us and you've gotten some sound advice so far. I simply want to wish you all the best luck and hope that you will receive a wonderful response.

Incidentally, my mom was very receptive and loving and she's my biggest cheerleader!

crunchyblanket · Jan 22, 2012

I get how you feel. I'm terrified to show my mum what I'm writing. And the weird thing is, my mum is open-minded, has always been supportive of my writing and is not a genre snob. I think it's a common feeling, that fear of your parents being disappointed.

Personally? I bet your dad'll be dead proud.

jjdebenedictis · Jan 22, 2012

I find it's actually better to not tell anybody that you're a writer. Because then, as years go by, you don't have to deal with the oft-repeated question, "So how's the writing going?"

Because "It's going" is usually the only thing I can say. The milestones that other people will be impressed by tend to come faaaaar apart, in this profession.

Layla Nahar · Jan 22, 2012

Agree w/ jjbenedictus & dangerousbill. I say keep it to yourself. Keep it to your fellow writers, or to others who can be either good cheerleaders, or who can offer feedback that can really help (like the SYW here)

Layla Nahar · Jan 22, 2012

crunchyblanket said:
Personally? I bet your dad'll be dead proud.

Maybe. But for every dead proud parent, I'd say there's two who will tell you it's not to late to go into accounting. (Which my friend's father *really* said when he announced his decision to specialize in digital recording. He works in Hollywood making a nice living now. The father is a PHd.)

HapiSofi · Jan 22, 2012

Sol, the authors who wrote great and monumental works of literary fiction generally wrote a lot of other stuff too. It's normal. It's how you learn. In a lot of cases, it's how the masterworks get written. Some writers know from the first word they set down on the page that they're writing their masterwork, but plenty of them discover it when they're partway through, or discover that the masterwork they thought they were writing isn't.

If your father is into literature as much as you say, I'm sure he knows that. I'm also sure that he'd be grieved to know you couldn't finish your book because you were too afraid of his reaction.

If all else fails, you can try swapping parents with me. I don't have to worry about parental reactions, because mine will reliably come up with some piece of horrible backhanded sabotage that sounds almost innocuous until the real meaning hits. If I cared enough, I'd hold up numbers like an Olympic judge: "Oooooh, good zinger, but not quite up to that masterpiece you delivered last year..."

Beyond anything else you can say about it, it's nice that you care that much what your father thinks.

Prawn · Jan 22, 2012

"Luke...I am your father. Let's see how you type with one hand!"

Lunatique · Jan 22, 2012

If I were in your shoes, I would simply tell him EXACTLY what you told us. Just open up and tell him how you feel, how nervous you are that you might disappoint him, yet you would love to have him as a beta reader and give you his feedback. Let him know that you do have aspirations to write literary fiction, but this current book happens to be YA and sci-fi, and he should read it knowing that.

sickmuse · Jan 22, 2012

buzhidao said:
About as stupid as I am.

I can't offer you any sage words (but them's already been offered, and so early on, too--I'm sure there's more), but I will tell you I have a similar fear. Not quite the same, but...well.

The story I've written involves a lot of vulgarity. And obscenity. And sexual innuendo. It's also very, very strange. My mom is from a southern Baptist family. She would not be caught dead saying, writing or reading the word 'vagina' and thinks doing yoga is the extreme end of the 'unusual and exciting' spectrum. I would be absolutely mortified if she were ever to read it. I think she would think I was on drugs. I think she would try to stage an intervention. Seriously. I think she would be freaked the hell out.

At the same time, I know how much it would hurt her if she ever found out that I wrote a book and didn't tell her. Actively kept it from her, in fact.

So...I don't know. I have no solution. If only I could say "Mom, I wrote a book. I wanted to tell you because I know you'd want to know, but please for the love of God don't ever read it." But I can't. Because she'd go ahead and read it anyway. Impossible woman, let me tell you.

Anyway. As I said, none of this is an intelligent answer or advice, but I do understand where you're coming from.

This is pretty much my feeling too. My mom still calls my girlfriend my roommate. I don't think she's ready to read a novel that involves atheists, let alone one with abortion and lesbian sex scenes. D:

I get nervous letting people who are important to me read my novel. I had an ex-girlfriend read a draft once and she was kind of snotty about it.

I was afraid to let my current lady see it, but she's amazingly supportive.

I know this is silly but...

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