Grieving Period?

mac3910 · Jan 16, 2012

The MC for my current WIP finds out that her family and friends are all gone and there's absolutely nothing she can do about it. I have her going kind of catatonic for awhile before trying to actually understand what happened. I'm just worried that she doesn't spend enough time grieving the loss after that and it makes her look a little sociopathic. Of course, I don't want the whole book to be my MC whining and crying because she has a lot to issues to get through in the story other than missing her family.

I guess my question is, what kind of grieving time would you consider acceptable? I know this is very dependent on the type of character, but I'd still like to get some general thoughts and opinions.

FrankiiGii · Jan 16, 2012

I think people bounce back a lot more quickly than is expected. If the character isn't going to lose control I would think even a few days of serious grieving could be respectable. Life goes on for those of us left behind and mourning becomes less evident as we begin resuming care of our responsibilities. Does that mean we're over it? I don't think so.

LilGreenBookworm · Jan 16, 2012

How old is the MC?

Elysium · Jan 16, 2012

Hmm. I had this same problem in my now trunked wip. The main character found her older sister dead and the book was supposed to be about her mourning, trying to find out why her sister killed herself etc. I never really lost anyone close to me, so I'm not familiar with grieving and mourning and so...me not really being an expert on that sort of thing...my MC is pretty much mourning throughout the entire book. She doesn't cry a lot but there are times when she can't help but think about her sister, and put on her clothes. She even thinks spending time with her sister's boyfriend will help her out, only it makes things worse.

But, yeah, it depends on what kind of character your MC is. Part of what I've learned from writing my wip is that people mourn without even knowing they're doing it. So let your character grieve and see where their grief takes you. Maybe they'll only outwardly show that they're grieving in a few scenes, or maybe more than a few.

It all depends on the character.

hyz · Jan 16, 2012

Grief doesn't always happen in one solid block of time right after the event happens. Sometimes grief happens a little bit a little bit over a long time, and sometimes grief doesn't happen for a long time after the event.

If there are plot points that your character needs to deal with, maybe they're the latter type -- maybe the grief won't really hit until much later, or when it's inopportune. Maybe they're the kind of character who doesn't feel things as strongly as other people do?

It all depends on the circumstances. Some people don't handle death well, and some people do. But to see all friends and all family gone permanently? That's going to probably stick around for most people for a long time. It might be something that keeps popping up, even when the character doesn't necessarily expect it.

mac3910 · Jan 16, 2012

My mc is 17 and she uses humor and sarcasm as a defense mechanism. I know that she feels the loss very deeply I'm just worried it's not coming off that way because she moves on to handle other issues in her new life. I'm just worrying that she comes off more crass than funny because of how fast she moves on.

I might be having trouble writing the character moving on quickly because personally I would take a long time to move on from that kind of loss. I might be standing in my own way. Damn these emotions!

wheelwriter · Jan 16, 2012

mac3910 said:
My mc is 17 and she uses humor and sarcasm as a defense mechanism. I know that she feels the loss very deeply I'm just worried it's not coming off that way because she moves on to handle other issues in her new life. I'm just worrying that she comes off more crass than funny because of how fast she moves on.

I might be having trouble writing the character moving on quickly because personally I would take a long time to move on from that kind of loss. I might be standing in my own way. Damn these emotions!

Maybe if you can work it in, have a few moments where a memory (of someone she lost) hits her. She's doing something and it makes her think of her family. Have her throw something across the room in frustration that she can't ask her best friend what she should do. Could she have something she carries with her that was given to her by someone she lost, and occasionally fiddle with it?

The bottom line is that there isn't one "correct" way to grieve. If it feels true to her and her personality, then whatever you're doing is probably fine, even if it's not how you, personally, would deal with the grief. I'm a hospice social worker, so feel free to PM me if you have a question and think I might be able to help.

Chasing the Horizon · Jan 16, 2012

A person can react to grief by throwing themselves into other engaging activities, by keeping themselves too busy with new things to feel the pain. Maybe she's not truly 'moving on' (which is a really stupid idea when it comes to grief, I don't believe it ever goes away, at least not without taking a huge piece of the person grieving with it), but simply moving forward to stay ahead of the pain and maybe because she doesn't know what else to do. This doesn't mean the pain has to ever 'catch up' with her. That's just a stupid pop-psychology cliche. But it will always be there, a darkness waiting for its chance to overtake her.

Losing everyone she cared about will also surely have an effect on how she relates to people from that point forward. Generally people who've experienced loss on that scale either cling to new people to avoid being alone, or make sure to keep people distant so that they never have to feel pain like that again. Sometimes these behaviors moderate towards something more normal over time and sometimes they don't.

It's really impossible to say more without knowing the details of what happened to your character's friends and family. From your posts I'm not even sure if they're dead or just permanently separated for some reason. I don't know if there would be reasons for you character to blame herself (rationally or irrationally), whether she might seek vengeance or try to take some series of actions she believes would honor their memories.

erin_michelle · Jan 16, 2012

Everyone's already given you great advice so I don't have that much to add.

Speaking from personal experience, my father passed away almost two years ago and the last time I actually cried over his death was at his funeral. For most people having that final goodbye begins the healing process. You never really get over losing someone and some days it's harder than others.

What really triggers people's emotions are things that remind you of that person you lost, like hearing a song that reminds you of them, or a smell, or--and this is always the hardest--sometimes you'll see someone that reminds you of that person. If you can somehow incorporate these things into the plot, it'll make it clear to your audience that, while your MC isn't a sobbing mess, their loss is still real, is still raw, and your character is still grieving.

L M Ashton · Jan 16, 2012

You've already received some great advice.

I know people who've lost entire families - siblings, parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, second cousins, and so on - from the tsunami of 2004. In this case, the two people I'm thinking of specifically were 23 and 24.

There's the intense grieving, shock, denial that happens in the beginning.

Then they discover all the ways their lives have changed - no longer having anyone to spend holidays with, to celebrate birthdays with, no longer having any family member to talk to. No family to depend on emotionally or financially. No family to visit. Their lives changed fundamentally, more so than a person who's lost one loved one (in general).

Grieving takes as long as it takes, and how long that is varies.

kuwisdelu · Jan 16, 2012

I would say it also depends on what you mean by "gone."

Did she witness them horribly slaughtered?

Did they die of a natural disaster?

Did they just disappear?

Did she end up in an alternative universe with no one she knows?

I'd expect a character to react to each above kind of "gone" differently. Some more dramatically than others.

Also depends hugely on what kind of person she is and what she's been through before this.

Taytortots · Jan 16, 2012

There have been a lot of good points in this thread, so I only have one more thing to saying, which is repeating a little.
I lost my father a little over a month ago. At first, it's heavy grieving, but even later on it hits you at the most unexpected times. Expecting a call, him pulling up to the driveway. I would make a grieving time, but add more throughout. You don't just forget that person, it just gets a bit easier.

William Randall · Jan 16, 2012

mac3910 said:
The MC for my current WIP finds out that her family and friends are all gone and there's absolutely nothing she can do about it. I have her going kind of catatonic for awhile before trying to actually understand what happened. I'm just worried that she doesn't spend enough time grieving the loss after that and it makes her look a little sociopathic. Of course, I don't want the whole book to be my MC whining and crying because she has a lot to issues to get through in the story other than missing her family.

I guess my question is, what kind of grieving time would you consider acceptable? I know this is very dependent on the type of character, but I'd still like to get some general thoughts and opinions.

IMO, there's no "getting over" a loss like that. It would constantly be in the person's thoughts, especially in the immediate aftermath. That doesn't mean it has to cripple the character from acting though. If there's a need to act, the character should act, but the loss would likely be prominent in the character's mind. Thankfully, you can prevent the MC from sounding whiny because you can pick and choose when those depressing thoughts surface.

Shakesbear · Jan 17, 2012

Do you know there are supposed to be 7 stages of grief? See here http://www.recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html

Sometimes grief can turn into a warm blanket and bring comfort.

SaronaNalia · Jan 17, 2012

I think you can continue to have her grieve throughout the whole book without it being constant. Her life is going on, and she has other issues to deal with, but perhaps there can be a few moments where she's left alone with her thoughts and misses her family.

veinglory · Jan 17, 2012

You can greive and still act, especially sensible actions like trying to find out what happened, doing what you need to for your own well-being, and expressing how you feel.

Also these days the 7 stages are not taken quite so literally. These types of things tend to happen but not always all or them and not always in that order.

mac3910 · Jan 17, 2012

Wow, the advice here is fantastic.

The idea of grief hitting at the most unexpected moments is something I hadn't really considered. I've been very fortunate at this point in my life to never have lost someone I was close with. The day to day feelings of grief are a bit of a mystery to me which is why I so much appreciate some of the personal stories and experiences. I definitely don't feel stuck anymore with having my character in bed all day, but actually having the opportunity to live even with the grief.

And just for clarification my MC is brought back to life in the future and everyone she knew has been dead for a few hundred years. There's no way for her to go back which is what I meant by "there's nothing she can do about it." I should have been more clear.

AWers deliver as usual!

William Randall · Jan 17, 2012

mac3910 said:
Wow, the advice here is fantastic.

The idea of grief hitting at the most unexpected moments is something I hadn't really considered. I've been very fortunate at this point in my life to never have lost someone I was close with. The day to day feelings of grief are a bit of a mystery to me which is why I so much appreciate some of the personal stories and experiences. I definitely don't feel stuck anymore with having my character in bed all day, but actually having the opportunity to live even with the grief.

And just for clarification my MC is brought back to life in the future and everyone she knew has been dead for a few hundred years. There's no way for her to go back which is what I meant by "there's nothing she can do about it." I should have been more clear.

AWers deliver as usual!

Wow, this scenario isn't what I was imagining. I think there could be an interesting dynamic between your MC's curiosity/fear of this new world and wishing one of her loved ones was there to brave it with her. It might be interesting to have her think of different people she lost depending on the situation, and which one of those people could help her most in the present.

LJD · Jan 17, 2012

My mom died traumatically 15 months ago.

An hour after I found out, I was on the phone with my boss, telling him I wouldn't be at work the next day, and wouldn't be able to travel for work the following week. I cancelled my hotel reservation. I called a few friends. I played boardgames with my boyfriend until three in the morning. You do what you need to do. The first few weeks were tough, but I was fairly functional. It never knocked me off my feet.

But things are never the same. You can never go back to the way things were. That, to me, was the surprise.

And it's little things that set me off...like my mom's handwriting. Clothes she gave me. News that I normally would have first shared with my mom. I watched The Descendants in the theatre, and that was a mistake. I was bawling at the end. Finding out she was the emergency contact on my passport, 9 mths later, and having to change that. Changing the contact info on my cell from "Mom and Dad" to "Dad"--I couldn't do it until a month later. I think about her every day.

I'd say it took several months to reach a "new" normal.

LJD · Jan 17, 2012

William Randall said:
IMO, there's no "getting over" a loss like that. It would constantly be in the person's thoughts, especially in the immediate aftermath. That doesn't mean it has to cripple the character from acting though. If there's a need to act, the character should act, but the loss would likely be prominent in the character's mind. Thankfully, you can prevent the MC from sounding whiny because you can pick and choose when those depressing thoughts surface.

Yes, this.

J.S.F. · Jan 17, 2012

LJD,

Sorry to hear about your mother. Mine passed away four years ago and I still think about her. Her words, her advice, her love for me and my sister, and for my family here in Japan. You never get over it--but you can function and carry on for what else is there? My father died over twenty-six years ago and I still miss him but life goes on.

As for the character missing his/her family, it all depends on their relationship. In my novels, the MC is shocked, naturally, but carries on anyway, and at the end, they always remember the one they lost, or friends they lost along the way (if they're worth remembering, that is).

From one (ex) Torontonian to another.

Literateparakeet · Jan 18, 2012

Great responses.

What I have noticed is that teenagers seem take death harder than adults, or perhaps they just don't hide their grief as well?

I have a theory though that teens do have a harder time coping with loss because at that age they don't expect anything bad to happen to them, ever. They generally haven't experienced serious loss yet. And they are still developing the coping skills that help one get through something like this.

Most importantly, I think you can show your MC's grief as others have said through the little unexpected things, that bring a wave of grief washing over her.

LJD · Jan 19, 2012

Just wanted to add that you might find this website helpful:
http://www.hellogrief.org/topics/teens
(many articles about teens and grief, some written by teens)

I think the question of how long of a grieving period is acceptable is a bit...odd. If you read the articles on that website, one of the most common things you see is that people expect you to be "over" it in a few weeks or months, when that is not true at all. But yeah, you can move on and live your life. It's just that there will always be reminders...

Also, I asked for recommendations for YA books with characters dealing with grief. See: http://absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=213055&page=2

mac3910 · Jan 20, 2012

You're right that "acceptable" isn't the proper term for the question I was asking. I really appreciate the advice about the grieving process. I definitely have a better sense of direction for the story I want to tell. I especially appreciate those who shared their stories of personal loss.

lizbeth dylan · Jan 20, 2012

I agree with what everyone else has said, different people handle it different ways. We lost my dad almost 2 years ago. His death was expected after a long illness and in many ways, a relief. What hurt most was the loss of the relationship with him. I knew he was out of pain and that was comforting but there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of him or want to talk to him or show him something. It lessens with time, but is still there.

My mother and most of my sisters grieved for several months but now feel much like I do. One of my sisters, however, is still grieving and has a lot of depression about his death.

Then a dear friend lost her husband from brain cancer just 3 months after diagnosis. A week after the funeral, she had a new job, bought a new car and started remodeling their house so she could sell it. She was extremely grief-stricken. Those who were closest to her knew it, we could see it and hear it in her voice. But the rest of her community seemed to think less of her because she appeared to move on so quickly. What they didn't realize is she is a very private person about her feelings, very strong in character and spirit. So she grieved alone in private. Many didn't realize that the day to day living didn't stop after her husband's death. She was suddenly a widow with no income, a lot of bills and a car that was nearly several years old with 150K miles on it. She grieved but still did what she had to do.

Grieving Period?

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