2 writing questions

DeVeaux (1993) looks at how critical response to “Black, Brown and Beige” shaped Ellington’s compositional development. DeVeaux also argues that although initial reviews were largely negative, the case has been overstated. He cites Down Beat editor Levin who obtained a recording of the concert and listened to “Black, Brown and Beige” six times before offering his opinion. Levin admonished fellow critics who didn't hear form and continuity, blaming the performance and lack of repeated listenings instead of Ellington’s writing. Peress (1993, 2004) approaches “Black, Brown and Beige” from the vantage point of conductor and orchestrator. He relates meeting with Ellington and subsequently directing a performance of his orchestration of the piece for symphony orchestra and big band; featuring Jon Faddis and the Carnegie Hall Jazz Band. The positive critical and public response to Peress' presentation also repudiates claims that “Black, Brown and Beige” was a compositional failure. Knauer (1990) looks at “simulated improvisation” in “Black, Brown and Beige,” a technique elaborated upon in “Methods” that essentially consists composed material that sounds improvisatory. Finally, Zenni (2001) provides an overview of Ellington's multi-movement suites before conducting an in-depth analysis of the Togo Brava suite, making the case for Ellington's ability to write "thematic references, motivic variations and sonata developments" (9).

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A few notes (this won't be exhaustive):

What does this sentence mean?

Awkward. Possible revision: He cites Levin, a Down Beat editor who obtained a recording of the concert and listened to “Black, Brown and Beige” six times before offering his opinion.

Insert the word "a" before "conductor and orchestrator"?

The semicolon should be a comma. Of what piece? I assume you mean "Black, Brown and Beige," but that's not entirely clear. The sentence is clunky.

You want to write that because it's better.

Put an "of" after consists. Remove "essentially."

You can omit "finally" altogether. You don't need anything there. "[A]nd conducts" is much better than "before conducting."

The writing is stiff and turgid, and your sentences should be shorter.

As to the whole tone.

I ain't real smart but I read pretty fair for only having a sixth grade education.

Can you write this so I can enjoy it without having to struggle to understand it?

Maybe put more story into it. You know the "show don't tell" thing.

Bufty strolls in, blinks, gulps, then slowly backs out and softly closes the door.

Incidentally, are these WIP wordcounts for real, SomethingorOther? Scary, man, scary.

trumpetology said:

Hi Something,

Thanks for taking a look at this! In response to question #2 you say "because it's better." But I guess I'm confused since that would make it passive voice. Am I missing something?

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Neither are in the passive voice. The structure of both sentences is "agent verbs [patient]." One passive form would be "[patient] was verbed by agent."

A. The positive critical and public response Peress’ presentation received also repudiates [...].

B. The positive critical and public response to Peress' presentation also repudiates [...].

The difference in quality is not huge. A "sounds" better to me, but you could use either one.

Bufty said:

Bufty strolls in, blinks, gulps, then slowly backs out and softly closes the door.

Incidentally, are these WIP wordcounts for real, SomethingorOther? Scary, man, scary.

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trumpetology said:

Ah, I get it. Thanks. I am struggling to get a decent understanding of grammar!

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Consider reading "Eats Shoots and Leaves"

Something:

Your posting formats drive me crazy and I can't bear to read them. There are plenty of less flashy ways to indicate emphasis and quoting than using multicolored fonts.

caw

Noted.

Well, trumpetology, I can't say if this is your lucky or unlucky day, but I am a peer reviewer for a number of academic journals and, well, look out below! (All meant constructively and with best intentions, but blunt.)

DeVeaux (1993) looks at how critical response to “Black, Brown and Beige” shaped Ellington’s compositional development.

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This can be made less jargon-y. For example: DeVeaux (1993) looks at how the critics response to "Black, Brown and Beige" shaped Ellington's development as a composer.

DeVeaux also argues that although initial reviews were largely negative, the case has been overstated.

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What does "also" refer to? What case is overstated? Do you mean to say "DeVeaux argues that the initial reviews, though largely negative, had far less influence on Ellington's future work than has generally been assumed?" Or do you mean something else?

He cites Down Beat editor Levin who obtained a recording of the concert and listened to “Black, Brown and Beige” six times before offering his opinion.

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This reads to me as if a transition is missing. Something along the lines of "Moreover, some of the contemporary criticism was strongly positive. One such critic, -------- Levin, editor of Down Beat, admonished fellow critics who didn't hear form and continuity in the work. After repeatedly listening to a recording of the concert, Levin blamed the performance, rather than Ellington’s composition, for the ----------- ?

Peress (1993, 2004) approaches “Black, Brown and Beige” from the vantage point of conductor and orchestrator.

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Another clunky transition. Peress is not another critic, right? And as far as I can tell, you are about to move from critical response to audience response as a gauge of how BB&B was received? So you need to make that clear. Also, is the concert you are about to describe the same one that Levin reviewed?

He relates meeting with Ellington and subsequently directing a performance of his orchestration of the piece for symphony orchestra and big band; featuring Jon Faddis and the Carnegie Hall Jazz Band.

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This sentence says that Peress directed (do you mean conducted?) a performance of Ellington's (or do you mean Peress'?) orchestration. I'd suggest something simpler like "After meeting Ellington in ______
on -------------- Peress conducted a performance at Carengie Hall of BB&B, orchestrated for symphony and big band."

The positive critical and public response to Peress' presentation also repudiates claims that “Black, Brown and Beige” was a compositional failure.

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A fine example of academic jargon. I'm not even sure it makes sense, as public responses are rarely great judges of great composition (Rite of Spring?). Also, you've already said there were negative reviews of the piece. So, do you mean, "This performance met with positive critical and audience reponse, strong enough to weaken any claim that (earlier?) negative reactions to the piece necessarily influenced Ellington in his development as a composer."

Knauer (1990) looks at “simulated improvisation” in “Black, Brown and Beige,” a technique elaborated upon in “Methods” that essentially consists composed material that sounds improvisatory.

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Is this supposed to follow from the paragraph above? Do you mean to say that Knauer and Zenni's research are somehow showing that BB&B had a direct influence on Ellington's later work? If so, I think you need to make that connection more clearly, e.g. "Knauer's research shows that Ellington's use of "simulated improvisation" (composed music that sounds improvised) in BB&B was used even more extensively in Methods. " [And it would help if you had made it clear earlier that this technique was one that the critics rejected initially, if so.]

Finally, Zenni (2001) provides an overview of Ellington's multi-movement suites before conducting an in-depth analysis of the Togo Brava suite, making the case for Ellington's ability to write "thematic references, motivic variations and sonata developments" (9).

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What does the reference to the overview add here? I'd go straight to Zenni analyzing the Togo Brava suite, if that is where he makes "the case for Ellington . . ."
As for this: "Ellington's ability to write "thematic references, motivic variations and sonata developments" it lacks connection to your premise. You start by saying you are refuting the argument that negative criticism of BB&B had an influence on Ellington's future composition (I think.) Here, you seem to be saying that the critics of BB&B were wrong, because this musicologist has shown that Ellington could compose in a sophisticated and technically expert fashion. But while it may be so that the critics were wrong, that doesn't mean they didn't influence the composer. So either this doesn't add to your argument or you need to make a further connection. Mainly, you need to show, as you did with Knauer, that Zenni identified ways in which BB&B influenced Ellington's later work.

Ketzel said:

Well, Something or Other, I can't say if this is your lucky or unlucky day, but I am a peer review for a number of academic journals and, well, look out below! (All meant constructively and with best intentions, but blunt.)

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The thread-starter is trumpetology.

Oops, sorry SomethingOrOther, my mistake. I will correct my post.

trumpetology said:

Hi,

I typically share and edit over in "memoirs," but I'm having some issues with my dissertation and though maybe the nonfiction people could help me out. I appreciate any and all feedback! Thanks

Here are the questions both are highlighted in the text:

1. how do you end a list of statements without "Finally" or "Lastly" since it is not that type of list?

2. Why do I want to write “The positive critical and public reponse Peress’ presentation received also…”

DeVeaux (1993) looks at how critical response to “Black, Brown and Beige” shaped Ellington’s compositional development. DeVeaux also argues that although initial reviews were largely negative, the case has been overstated. He cites Down Beat editor Levin who obtained a recording of the concert and listened to “Black, Brown and Beige” six times before offering his opinion. Levin admonished fellow critics who didn't hear form and continuity, blaming the performance and lack of repeated listenings instead of Ellington’s writing. Peress (1993, 2004) approaches “Black, Brown and Beige” from the vantage point of conductor and orchestrator. He relates meeting with Ellington and subsequently directing a performance of his orchestration of the piece for symphony orchestra and big band; featuring Jon Faddis and the Carnegie Hall Jazz Band. The positive critical and public response to Peress' presentation also repudiates claims that “Black, Brown and Beige” was a compositional failure. Knauer (1990) looks at “simulated improvisation” in “Black, Brown and Beige,” a technique elaborated upon in “Methods” that essentially consists composed material that sounds improvisatory. Finally, Zenni (2001) provides an overview of Ellington's multi-movement suites before conducting an in-depth analysis of the Togo Brava suite, making the case for Ellington's ability to write "thematic references, motivic variations and sonata developments" (9).

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A few notes, if I may.

1) When you're listing quotes or ideas from a series of authors who basically support the same general idea, it is allowable to paraphrase what they say and then give credit. That might be a way to get rid of the "Finally" if you're worried about that.

2) Also, while I understand what this paragraph is saying, it is rather confusing. The sentences after "The positive and critical..." seems rather disjointed. Granted, I'm only seeing a partial of the paper here, but simply listing what people said and not relating it back to the topic at hand can be a bit problematic.

3) In answer to your second question, about why you want to write the bold portion of the text, I'm not entirely sure. What you have written there is very much like many of the technical and scientific papers that I have reviewed over the years. Perhaps while doing your research on this project has led you to start mimicking some of the writing style you ran into while doing your research?

Laura

See, I understand what Ketzel and Lseeber wrote.

I know the standard is to "Use the fewest words possible" but for folks like me who are fond of Duke Ellington but hate digging through super dense writing a couple of extra words make the whole thing clear and easy to understand.