Thoughts inside character's head.

rlayna · Dec 18, 2011

I tried quick search but I don't think I am using the write phrases. Anyway, when your MC thinks to herself, how is that written out/structured (not sure of the word) on paper? In quotes? Italics?

Ex. Sarza sat up quickly, hearing the sounds of birds chirping. “Damn!” she whispered softly putting her hand to her head. The sky was just beginning to lighten as she hurried out of bed and put her pants on. I should have been out of here before the birds awoke. < Thought is in bold, not meant to be said out loud.

Victoria · Dec 18, 2011

I write direct thoughts into the narration. Using quotes denotes speech, and italics get too busy and annoying for some folks. Also, I think it flows better to slip the thoughts in without any markers. Everyone is different, though.

Pacze Moj · Dec 18, 2011

I've seen it done five ways:

1. The giant gorilla-man swept Mona off her feet and dangled her over his open mouth. He licked his lips. Man, he thought, I sure do love me the taste of women.

2. The giant gorilla-man swept Mona off her feet and dangled her over his open mouth. He licked his lips. "Man," he thought, "I sure do love me the taste of women."

3. The giant gorilla-man swept Mona off her feet and dangled her over his open mouth. He licked his lips. Man, he thought, I sure do love me the taste of women.

4. The giant gorilla-man swept Mona off her feet and dangled her over his open mouth. He licked his lips. Man, I sure do love me the taste of women.

5. The giant gorilla-man swept Mona off her feet and dangled her over his open mouth. He licked his lips. Man, I sure do love me the taste of women.

Writers sometimes reserve quotation marks for spoken words, sometimes not. The last two examples are more efficient than the first three. If you don't use quotation marks or italics, it can be unclear who's thinking: giant gorilla-man or narrator?

leahzero · Dec 18, 2011

You have to use some kind of visual cue if it's third person. Italics (with or without tags like "he thought") is the most common way I've seen it done.

VoireyLinger · Dec 18, 2011

I use italics and my publisher prefers this as well. The other option I would use would be to keep it in third person but use the same wording, just switch out the pronoun. This can give a nice, deep POV.

One thing to watch is how many of these italicized thought phrases pop up. Too much can make the book feel cluttered and make them stand out, which can disrupt flow. I suggest you save them for emphasis points and keep the rest in third person narrative.

I don't use 'thought' tags because it should be obvious the character is thinking it, not verbalizing. If it's not, I rework the sentence so that it is. For me, it provides a tighter, cleaner manuscript.

Layla Nahar · Dec 18, 2011

Victoria said:
I write direct thoughts into the narration. Using quotes denotes speech, and italics get too busy and annoying for some folks. Also, I think it flows better to slip the thoughts in without any markers.

I like this way. I disagree that you have to use a cue. I think it's clear from the narrative. But that's just me.

Victoria said:
Everyone is different, though.

QFT

BotByte · Dec 18, 2011

For 3rd person, use italics and add a cue to the thought so readers don't get confused.

Bob ran out of his house. Why did I do that?, he thought.

If it's 1st person, you can skip it, if it doesn't directly quote from his mind.

I ran out of the house in a rush. I didn't know why I did that, but I did and for no reason.

Just keeps the standard italics and play around with it. Just make sure it works together with the flow of your writing style.

Terie · Dec 18, 2011

(pedantry on) Just please don't ever say, 'she thought to herself'. There's no one else one can think to other than oneself! (pedantry off)

Domino Derval · Dec 18, 2011

If I'm writing third-person, I tend to prefer:

She hurried out of bed and put her pants on. She thought/knew she should have been out of there before the birds awoke.

Unless the narrator tells the story from her P.O.V., in which case I'd go with:

She hurried out of bed and put her pants on. She should have been out of there before the birds awoke.

Terie said:
(pedantry on) Just please don't ever say, 'she thought to herself'. There's no one else one can think to other than oneself! (pedantry off)

Psychics, telepaths, wizards, certain vampire clans, gods, eldritch horrors...

Terie · Dec 19, 2011

Domino Derval said:
Psychics, telepaths, wizards, certain vampire clans, gods, eldritch horrors...

In which case, 'he thought' isn't usually the tag. Most SF/F authors dealing with that kind of thing use something else to distinguish a character's own thoughts from their mental communications to others...at least in the books I've read with telepathic communication.

The point is that lots of new (and even some experienced) writers say, '...he thought to himself', and it's just plain redundant.

SaronaNalia · Dec 19, 2011

The most common way I've seen it done is with italics. If I were you, I'd use them. I don't think any readers would question it.

kimberlycreates · Dec 19, 2011

I've seen this done with and without italics. I prefer the italics myself.

KSandoval · Dec 19, 2011

I'm with those who dislike markers. I feel integrating thought into the narrative make for a compelling, close, third-person narrative. I find italics disruptive and tagging things as 'so-and-so thought' always feels like hand holding to me. If you're in third-person limited, no one else can be thinking, so it feels obvious.

So this: Alissa's ex-boyfriend stood across the room. She thought, I'll hate him forever for what he did.

Becomes this: Alissa's ex-boyfriend stood across the room. She'd hate him forever for what he'd done.

Bufty · Dec 19, 2011

.

KSandoval said:
I'm with those who dislike markers. I feel integrating thought into the narrative make for a compelling, close, third-person narrative. I find italics disruptive and tagging things as 'so-and-so thought' always feels like hand holding to me. If you're in third-person limited, no one else can be thinking, so it feels obvious.

So this: Alissa's ex-boyfriend stood across the room. She thought, I'll hate him forever for what he did.

Becomes this: Alissa's ex-boyfriend stood across the room. [She'd hate him forever for what he'd done. This is not a thought - it's a narrator statement.

dangerousbill · Dec 19, 2011

rlayna said:
I tried quick search but I don't think I am using the write phrases. Anyway, when your MC thinks to herself, how is that written out/structured (not sure of the word) on paper? In quotes? Italics?

In my style, most thoughts become part of the narrative, since I write in first person. But when I want a thought to be expressed for emphasis, I use italics and shift temporarily to present tense.

Italics are okay unless they're overused.

JSDR · Dec 19, 2011

I don't know why but I have an aversion to including thoughts structured that way (in OP). I'm currently writing in 3rd person limited, and the example would look like:

“Damn!” she whispered ~~softly~~ <comma>putting her hand to her head. The sky was just beginning to lighten as she hurried out of bed and put her pants on. ~~I should have been out of here before the birds awoke~~She'd planned on leaving before the birds awoke. Too late now.

I use quotes strictly for spoken speech, and italics (since I write fantasy/sci fi) for other forms of communication. But if I was writing any other genre, I think I would do the same and just not use quotes/italics.

Also, I'm not a fan of the "he/she/they/it thought" tag. I feel like it's redundant or puts a distance between the character and the reader, slanting the POV to show the reader that they are not privvy to *all* thoughts of the character. Only certain ones.

smellycat6464 · Dec 19, 2011

i agree with basically all of the above
use italics to denote unspoken though, don't use tags to indicate its a thought, the italics do that for you. and keep the thinking to a minimum, unless the character is not participating in anything and is quite pensive in general

also, as a stylistic thing, try omitting "softly" its an adverb, and a tad redundant since one doesn't whisper un-soflty. great verb choice though!

Domino Derval · Dec 19, 2011

Bufty said:
This is not a thought - it's a narrator statement.

That's true, but it fulfills the same function in a way I think is more elegant. This is, of course, provided that the third person narrator is relatively close to the pantsless woman.

Terie said:
In which case, 'he thought' isn't usually the tag. Most SF/F authors dealing with that kind of thing use something else to distinguish a character's own thoughts from their mental communications to others...at least in the books I've read with telepathic communication.

The point is that lots of new (and even some experienced) writers say, '...he thought to himself', and it's just plain redundant.

Now I'm thinking to you.

Mackenzie · Dec 19, 2011

I write in third person and try to keep the first person thoughts to a minimum. Specifically, I and so forth in the sentence, which, to me, screams for italics, which interrupts flow. So, I use them like a dash of Tabasco every now and then. Separate short graph. Italics for emphasis.

BethS · Dec 19, 2011

BotByte said:
For 3rd person, use italics and add a cue to the thought so readers don't get confused.

Bob ran out of his house. Why did I do that?, he thought.

The italics themselves are a cue; you don't need both that and a 'he thought' tag.

To answer the question of the OP, my personal preference is for italics. Just don't overuse them.

rlayna · Dec 19, 2011

Thank you all very much!

I am not a fan of the 'she thought' phrase either and am leaning towards italics, especially since the character's thoughts aren't made known throughout the story.

Smellycat6464, thanks, great point about the whisper/softly thing.

Again thank you all!

SquareSails · Dec 19, 2011

Lots of good info here.

I know this wasn't OP's question, but I'm wondering for myself (forgive me, OP): Should the exclamation be after Damn! if the character is whispering?

dangerousbill · Dec 19, 2011

BethS said:
The italics themselves are a cue; you don't need both that and a 'he thought' tag.

Changing to present tense for the duration of the thought also nails it.

"He crept along the ledge toward the window. As long as no one looks out, I'll be fine.'

dangerousbill · Dec 19, 2011

SquareSails said:
Lots of good info here.

I know this wasn't OP's question, but I'm wondering for myself (forgive me, OP): Should the exclamation be after Damn! if the character is whispering?

If I hit my finger with a hammer when there are children or nuns around, I will whisper, but the exclamation mark will still be there.

Dreity · Dec 19, 2011

dangerousbill said:
If I hit my finger with a hammer when there are children or nuns around, I will whisper, but the exclamation mark will still be there.

I agree. Exclamation points don't necessarily indicate the volume of the word/s, but rather, the emphasis with which they are said.

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